Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What a difficult situation to be in! It must be tremendously taxing to be in a constant state of angst with your mother in law. From what you've posted, I highly doubt your mother in law will ever embrace either you or your interracial children. I would never recommend withdrawing from family members, but I agree w/the poster above about limiting your time/exposure to her. She has a serious problem, and her racist thoughts/actions will only continue to cause problems between you and your husband. Why allow your precious, innocent children, to be exposed to that?
I once was in a long term relationship with a white man whose upper class parents did not accept me because I am black. It was an extremely painful and draining situation to be in. I now am dating someone whose family loves and accepts me, wholeheartedly.
I'll be praying for you b/c I do believe that this may cause some strain on your marriage. There's truth in the saying that when you marry someone, you're marrying their family .
I really don't know what to say. I can't believe that the "younger generation" didn't speak up for you when you were introduced as "the housekeeper" or when you and your children were not invited to the cousins' weddings and holidays or there aren't photographs of all of the grandchildren in the house, etc.
However, I would really have to wonder why his other relatives didn't stand up for you against his sister and mother. Perhaps they really aren't as accepting as you think that they are.
During the housekeeper incident, only my DH, FIL, MIL and I were there (at their home). My DH does not gossip amongst his family as far as I know (tries to keep drama to a minimum). I'm sure MIL did not spread the word either (it would make her look bad).
The younger generations of his family are fine with me. The girls and I (along with DH of course) have been invited and gone to many events at their homes with no issue whatsoever, and enjoyed ourselves.
OP- I feel for you- it's painful reading your post. Please don't leave your husband over this- then the crazies in his family will have won. Your hubby loves you- imagine how strong he had to be inside to marry you despite his upbringing and knowing the way his family is. Your children need a father in their day to day life. Don't make them suffer because of the fools in DH's family. That's a lose-lose for everyone.
I'm amazed that the younger relatives in your hubby's family and your FIL all give in to the women in the family. No one seems to have a backbone.
Since you live so far away from his family, how often is it that he does get to see his them? Perhaps take the advice of a previous poster and let him visit them alone once in a while.
Could you also sometimes visit together and stay at a motel with a pool, etc. Then invite the younger relatives over for some swimming, maybe all of you go on a picnic, take in some local attractions. Do this without having the older relatives around or being in the older ones' homes. Do you think the younger relatives would show up if invited ? It's terrible compromise to have to make, but your kids should know their cousins on their dad's side of the family.
Could you also work on your hubby. Right now, he is letting his female relatives make him miserable. He's waiting for something to happen , like nasty phone call, then reacting to it. Being reactive is not a good position to be in. He may need to lay down the law with his mom and aunts, sister, etc. He's got to let them know in no uncertain terms that they are not to call him to disparage you, his choice of marriage, his children etc. He's got to answer the phone and ask the reason for the call. The second the call goes off the rails, he's got to hang up without arguing. What they are doing now is baiting him. Every time he listens to their nonsense gives them a hint that maybe they can pry him away from you. He'll need to let his family know that bad mouthing his wife is not permitted , it's not a reason for them to call.
The other thing I don't understand is why you are kept hidden from his family's neighbors and friends. Why hasn't your hubby taken you next door and introduced you and the kids to his parent's neighbors when you've visited ? Why doesn't he take you and the kids to the lake to feed ducks. Surely he'll run into someone he knows and introduction can be made. Is every male in that family terrified of the females ?
Next time hubby goes home to visit without you, make sure he has lots of photos of you & the kids in his phone. Then he's got to have the guts to start showing those photos to everyone-- family, neighbors & friends alike in his home town. The secrecy needs to end. He's an adult- he's got to start acting like one. I don't know what power his mom & aunts hold over the family, but they are not super human, they're just people ( very flawed people). .
DH's Aunt and Mother do wield power because Aunt has her hand deep in the family money. From what I understand, there are various trusts set up by DH's great-grandparents and grandparents that benefit DH's generation, as well as our children, and eventually their children, etc. DH's Aunt is co-trustee of all of them along with some money management firm. The money management firm lets Aunt do whatever she wants as long as they get paid. DH's family also owns a couple strip malls/office buildings and the revenue from that funds them as well. Unfortunately, DH's generation were all born and raised into the trust fund life. None of his siblings or cousins are self-sufficient, though some are worse than others. Three are in their mid to late twenties. The two that got married were in their late twenties at the time and could not come close to affording the weddings they had on their own. DH and I met in graduate school, and he was old enough by far to take care of himself when Aunt cut him off upon learning of our relationship. FIL was very upset and offered to pay for DH's last year of school since the trust was no longer paying tuition, but DH refused. He opted to take out student loans instead. Everything we have is from our own income. His siblings/cousins were all shocked and have "no idea how he did it", especially with the terrible economy being what it was/is (even though none of their lifestyles have felt the effect of the down economy, I think hearing about it so much has scared them even more about trying to stand on their own two feet).
My own parents and I find it funny that DH's Aunt finds me to be the "gold-digger" when I have worked since I was 14 and supported myself since 19, yet ALL of her children (as nice as they are) are in their late twenties and early thirties, working part-time on and off ("on" when they get bored and "off" when work gets too annoying), as well as their spouses. Yes, I am THE only full-time working spouse out of DH's entire generation, but they are the "good Christian mates that God provided for her children, nieces and nephew", and I am the "gold-digger." Goooooooooooo figure. BTW, I have no problem with stay at home moms/dads (just in case someone thinks I am implying that). Besides, I only consider one of the other spouses to be a SAHM, because she is the only one that actually looks after her own children and tends to her own home.
DH's Aunt turned up the nasty once she realized cutting the purse strings would not make DH come running home, defeated by the big bad world. This level of nastiness is what I naively failed to anticipate.
BTW, I don't think DH is keeping us a secret. All of his friends from back home have met and socialized with me, and every one of them has treated me like any of the other friends and wives. On the occasions we go to visit (about twice a year), we make it a point to have lunch or dinner with as many of them as we can. I don't want to make it seem like everyone there is after me and my girls with pitchforks and torches. However the two that are, can cause quite the stir.
Absolutely do not do this. Your husband is fighting for you every step of the way. For him to lose you because you quit will destroy him. Stand with him.
[if you leave him he will not be at peace]
Oh, I would love to, and if there is something I can do to make it happen successfully, I will. He and I compliment each other in so many ways, we made vows to one another, and he is the father of my children. I think we both made the mistake of thinking if we just take a stand, eventually they would fall in line, but things are only escalating. I know he does not share with me exactly how much of a toll this is taking, but it is written on his face, in his body language, and in his terrible mood. He is becoming a different person: a much angrier, short-tempered one. I notice it and WORSE: the girls notice it. Eventually they will be old enough to understand what is going on, and I am afraid of how it will effect their self-esteem. If things are this tumultuous now, what toll will this have taken on our family a decade from now? Is it worth hanging in there if it means he breaks down from the nonstop drama?
I will say I can take their idiocy in stride a lot easier than he can. After all, I've been in this skin for over three decades and they aren't the first bigots I've met and they won't be the last. It's just part of being Black in the United States. However, this whole "Black Sheep" thing is new to DH. I think it's one thing to know generally that being treated poorly for a random, arbitrary reason sucks. It's a whole different story to actually experience it, especially over a long period of time. I don't think he can wrap his mind around their mentality nor, honestly, do I think he can handle it.
There's truth in the saying that when you marry someone, you're marrying their family .
There was never a truer statement spoken! Now if only I could put certain members of his family on a deserted island somewhere (WITHOUT A PHONE!), I'd be fine with the in-laws lol.
How sad we are reading a post like this in 2014. I wish your husband could not take his "old" family so seriously. I don't know what else to say, except that I hope you reconsider leaving...don't let them win.
Why is your husband still in contact with his family? If my family treated my children and my spouse like second-class citizens they would no longer be my family, wealth or not.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
BTW, I have no problem with stay at home moms/dads (just in case someone thinks I am implying that). 
Besides, I only consider one of the other spouses to be a SAHM, because she is the only one that actually looks after her own children and tends to her own home. 
This level of nastiness is what I naively failed to anticipate. 