Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I honestly do not feel talking about it will change the situation. He is not the problem; his family is. He defends his wife. What else can he do? The only solution is to allow him to have a separate life with his family without judgement. His parents must have done something right otherwise the OP would not have married him. I watched my friend go through this for over ten years. It is demoralizing. Stay away and his genuine family members will seek you out.
If you feel that the "only solution" is to allow him to have a separate life with his family w/o judgement, then how is the OP supposed to let him know that is what he can do without talking to him?
It is a marriage... and there's something that deeply affecting both of them in different ways. Of course they need to talk about it. The problem is he is handling it bad. They cannot control the MIL and Aunt, they can only control themselves. Why is he taking the admonishment phone calls, engaging in arguments? He already knows their position, knows they don't want to deviate from it and will use any measure to punish him (and his family) for bucking the fold. He needs to either cut off his family, not engage with his mother nor aunt (or their tactics) but only be around those who "accept" them... whatever.
As it is, the whole family sounds awful, even the harmless ones... I wonder what the OP's husband gets out of associating with such weak characters who won't even do right by him?
If you feel that the "only solution" is to allow him to have a separate life with his family w/o judgement, then how is the OP supposed to let him know that is what he can do without talking to him?
It is a marriage... and there's something that deeply affecting both of them in different ways. Of course they need to talk about it. The problem is he is handling it bad. They cannot control the MIL and Aunt, they can only control themselves. Why is he taking the admonishment phone calls, engaging in arguments? He already knows their position, knows they don't want to deviate from it and will use any measure to punish him (and his family) for bucking the fold. He needs to either cut off his family, not engage with his mother nor aunt (or their tactics) but only be around those who "accept" them... whatever.
As it is, the whole family sounds awful, even the harmless ones... I wonder what the OP's husband gets out of associating with such weak characters who won't even do right by him?
I wondered that, too. The moment they slip into the derogatory stuff, he should immediately say "Sorry - conversation just ended. You cannot talk about my wife like that" and hang up. He might have to do that a few times, but it would eventually end those type of calls.
I am a 35 y/o Black woman who has been married to a 36 y/o White man for 5 years. We have twin daughters (three years old). DH's family are a mixed bag. DH's generation and younger are very nice, but the older generation is where things get hairy. FIL is a great guy; very laid back and has always been kind, respectful and open-hearted. MIL is not so great. She has been staunchly against our relationship from the get-go, afraid of what people will think, so on and so forth. DH's family is Southern upper middle class, and interracial relationships among the older folks there are seen as "trashy for people of their social standing." I wish I were exaggerating, but this is the exact phrase I have heard used. DH and I accepted long ago that, it being hard to teach old dogs new tricks, the older folks are free to believe as they choose as long as they treat me with respect. They have begrudgingly done so since we have been together, but only to my face. Here is the problem: I underestimated the amount of stress their shenanigans can cause, even long distance (we live over 1500 miles away). The worst offenders are my MIL and her sister, who are hyper vigilant about making sure their friends & neighbors do not find out about DH "and his Negros." A neighbor who asked about me was told I was a housekeeper. There are no photos of my daughters in my MIL's home, but tons of photos of DH's nieces and nephews. When we came to visit about a year ago, MIL nearly had a heart attack b/c FIL wanted to take the DDs for a picnic by the lake where he plays golf because there would be lots of ducks (one of the twins absolutely LOVES birds). She was worried one of her friends would be there for lunch or something and discover her secret. MIL and her sister are constantly calling each other or meeting to fuel each other's outrage about DH and I's marriage/family. Afterward, DH always gets an admonishing phone call, which turns into an argument or him hanging up on one of them, and him being in a bad mood for a few days afterward. DH has missed two of his close cousin's weddings (He was invited to both, but I was not. DH's aunt did not want a "Black face ruining the photos." Cousins were not happy about this, but their mother controls the purse strings so what she said ruled). My family has never been invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas (just DH), though it is "okay for us to drop by a couple days after." This is just the tip of the iceberg, but you get the picture.
How do I deal with DH's mounting stress and moodiness every time one of his family members acts up? I have watched a happy, carefree man turn into a very stressed and angry one. He stands up for me and our DDs every single time and always has, but I know he is battle-weary, and just wants his life back. He won't say it, but I know he misses being with his family and friends from back home. Unfortunately, I have started to have thoughts that maybe it is best if the girls and I leave him. I do not want my daughters to grow up being exposed to my DH's poisonous family. I don't want them feeling as if they caused their father to be estranged from his own family that he was once a happy part of. To be fair, most of DH's family do not seem to feel the way that MIL and her sister do, but no one but my DH has ever openly objected to their obnoxious and hurtful behavior. Thus, I feel their silence makes them complicit. I was raised to speak up when someone is being mistreated, and would never tolerate anyone in my family treating another human being poorly. I love my husband, but he deserves peace, and so do my girls. Any advice?
Do MIL and her sister know that it is 2014, not 1954? Wow, they say "Negroes" still?! They don't want black people in photos?
I would just tell them that them being bitter won't change your relationship with your husband. Cut to the chase. Their bigotry and attitude is not OK at all and definitely not appreciated. What do they hope to accomplish with their hate?
Be thankful you live 1500 miles apart. Can you imagine if you were in the same town? All the stress is not worth it for your DH IMHO.
Cut them off if they cannot come to some sort of compromise. Tell them they can say whatever they want behind you and your DH's back, but you INSIST on respectful treatment in person. If not, it is over. It must be like stepping back in time. Hope you and your DH have better days ahead....with or without the MIL and her sister.
I've been there, and it took me a very long time to realize this issue was twofold.
1) I was not going to tolerate my MIL's BS. I was polite, very firm, and if she cast aspersions (which happened frequently) I would correct her immediately in a firm, but non-confrontational manner.
2) I realized that my MIL was my DH's mother, and expecting him to "choose sides" was unfair, and wouldn't end well for anyone. I do not interfere in their relationship, but expect him to firm with her too when it comes to me and our family. No derision or jibing is tolerated, any gossip about me is unacceptable, and he shuts it down immediately. Either we are all included unconditionally, or we decline gracefully.
Thankfully she is very fond of the kids, so there is that. I don't honestly know what I would do if it were different.
I do think your DH needs a very serious, direct talk with her. She needs to know that she is not just disrespecting you, but she is disrespecting her son and his family, and that is just not acceptable. Getting it all out and clearing the air is hard, but it beats stewing and stress.
I know it sounds weird, but I don't respond emotionally to my MIL, it just makes me and the situation worse.
I'm not in an IR but my some of my in-laws don't like me. I won't get into the reasons why. My husband would get moody whenever they would have a family gathering because he knew there may be drama. I finally told him to go by himself. I don't mind. I can stay home and relax. This solved the problem. I suggest the same for you.
I use to have the fantasy of all of our families mingling together but it's not gonna happen. Life is short. Create a separate world.
There was never a truer statement spoken! Now if only I could put certain members of his family on a deserted island somewhere (WITHOUT A PHONE!), I'd be fine with the in-laws lol.
This is such a simple problem.
1: Blood means NOTHING. Conduct and character are all that matter.
2: All relatives who are behaving badly should be written off and never talked to again.
3: Screw the money. Let them shove it where it belongs. You make whatever money you need to raise your kids to adulthood. After that, let them make their own money.
4: If this is an inherently gossipy red-neck family where the good ones talk to and about the bad ones, minimize contact with everyone. You husband shouldn't be talking to his family all that much anyway. A couple of holiday calls here and there that should last 15 minutes. Then it's done.
I hate to say it, but the fact that this is a problem is your husband's fault. He doesn't have to involve himself with these lowbrows; he is choosing that behavior. Nobody needs evil family members. Trash them! Stop visiting them. Stop talking to them. Stop talking about them. When someone brings one of them up, tell that family member that the subject of any of the evil family members is off limits and of less than no interest.
I missed part of your post. I agree with the others. Definitely do NOT leave your husband. (plus being 1500 miles apart gives you some distance thank goodness. Always remember that).
I forgot to add, do not leave your husband over this.
It's very easy for people to say your husband should sever ties with his mother, this is a decision that he needs to make for himself. I don't think this is a healthy solution for him or your marriage in the long run.
Absolutely do not do this. Your husband is fighting for you every step of the way. For him to lose you because you quit will destroy him. Stand with him.
[if you leave him he will not be at peace]
^^ This. If you leave, you will condemn your husband to a lifetime of "I told you so/that's what you get hanging out w/trash" by his racist mother and sister. If you love him, you cannot do this -- especially if it's supposedly for his sake.
Sending hugs to you, OP. Don't try to "protect" your husband. If you feel his estrangement from his family is wearing him down, consider talking with him about it and asking him if that's the case, and what he'd like to do about it, if anything. Perhaps you both might decide it would be best for him to go back home alone for several trips. Or not. The key is, you two have to got to talk about it. Don't assume you know what he thinks and know how to resolve the situation. Talk with him. Yes, I'm sure you're right when you say he's upset about the whole thing. But how would *he* like to address it? Does he think he'd be happier if he went back home alone? And how would you feel about it? If you're OK with it (or not), tell him, because if you don't, he may be assuming things and basing decisions off of those assumptions. Same goes for you (as for everyone else).
Talk things out, be brave and open about sharing your ideas and feelings w/o fear of upsetting anyone or putting pressure on the other person. It's not about telling anyone what to do, but more about sharing feelings and ideas and being upfront about one's personal limits. Talk about options and come to a compromise you both are happy with, and go for it.
Your husband sounds like a good-hearted, strong man. You sounds strong, too. But part of being strong is also knowing when to be open and vulnerable (to those who care). That is what you two must do. Good luck to you and your family.
Why is your husband still in contact with his family? If my family treated my children and my spouse like second-class citizens they would no longer be my family, wealth or not.
Cutting off contact with a family, even one so evidently misguided and disturbing, is a big step. Based on the OP, I imagine that the husband has at least considered it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns
Hate to say it, but if he is becoming short tempered to his wife and daughters because of his bigoted mother and aunt - he may not be worth keeping. I think it's time to sit him down and tell him your concerns for your marriage, his immediate family, and, most importantly, your daughters' self esteem. She is ashamed of her own flesh and blood granddaughters. That is so horrible that I can't get my mind around it.
He may have once been part of that "loving" family (loving you as long as you do what is told) - but he married a woman and had children - that's where 100% of his allegiance goes now - not to mommy and her nasty bigotry. Honestly, it sounds like that whole family has been weakened by generational money. They all turn from their principles (if they ever really had any) if one of the two harridans shakes the purse. They are nice to your face, but most likely agree with mommy and aunt to their face - not necessarily because they dislike you, but because of the money.
You shouldn't have to put up with his short temper - you didn't cause it. Bluntly, he should not have married outside his race and had biracial children if he didn't have the cojones to play the long game. He owes his daughters better than that.
I would never let my daughters anywhere near that woman. They are going to notice that their pictures aren't up with the others. They are going to notice the preferential treatment given to the others. They are going to notice that she is ashamed of them.
The good news is the mother and aunt will eventually die, hopefully sooner than later.
I agree that he can't become short-tempered with his family and take out his frustrations on them. Perhaps some marital counseling and/or honest conversation could resolve that problem and help you move forward as a family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodlife36
I honestly do not feel talking about it will change the situation. He is not the problem; his family is. He defends his wife. What else can he do? The only solution is to allow him to have a separate life with his family without judgement. His parents must have done something right otherwise the OP would not have married him. I watched my friend go through this for over ten years. It is demoralizing. Stay away and his genuine family members will seek you out.
His actual family (husband, wife, and kids) have real problems--his anger and frustration resulting from ongoing contact with his birth family. He is not living a separate life with his birth family 1500 miles from his wife and children. He must learn how to manage whatever relationship he wants to continue with his birth family without burdening his relationship with his family. Again, I suggest counseling. Find a therapist who specializes in mixed-race couples. Figure out your own family situation, and let him work out his birth family issues at his own pace. You don't want to make him choose between your family and his birth family, and he seems to be in the process of learning how little his birth family thinks of him anyways.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
