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Oh, I would love to, and if there is something I can do to make it happen successfully, I will. He and I compliment each other in so many ways, we made vows to one another, and he is the father of my children. I think we both made the mistake of thinking if we just take a stand, eventually they would fall in line, but things are only escalating. I know he does not share with me exactly how much of a toll this is taking, but it is written on his face, in his body language, and in his terrible mood. He is becoming a different person: a much angrier, short-tempered one. I notice it and WORSE: the girls notice it. Eventually they will be old enough to understand what is going on, and I am afraid of how it will effect their self-esteem. If things are this tumultuous now, what toll will this have taken on our family a decade from now? Is it worth hanging in there if it means he breaks down from the nonstop drama?
I don't think he can wrap his mind around their mentality nor, honestly, do I think he can handle it.
Hate to say it, but if he is becoming short tempered to his wife and daughters because of his bigoted mother and aunt - he may not be worth keeping. I think it's time to sit him down and tell him your concerns for your marriage, his immediate family, and, most importantly, your daughters' self esteem. She is ashamed of her own flesh and blood granddaughters. That is so horrible that I can't get my mind around it.
He may have once been part of that "loving" family (loving you as long as you do what is told) - but he married a woman and had children - that's where 100% of his allegiance goes now - not to mommy and her nasty bigotry. Honestly, it sounds like that whole family has been weakened by generational money. They all turn from their principles (if they ever really had any) if one of the two harridans shakes the purse. They are nice to your face, but most likely agree with mommy and aunt to their face - not necessarily because they dislike you, but because of the money.
You shouldn't have to put up with his short temper - you didn't cause it. Bluntly, he should not have married outside his race and had biracial children if he didn't have the cojones to play the long game. He owes his daughters better than that.
I would never let my daughters anywhere near that woman. They are going to notice that their pictures aren't up with the others. They are going to notice the preferential treatment given to the others. They are going to notice that she is ashamed of them.
The good news is the mother and aunt will eventually die, hopefully sooner than later.
I am a 35 y/o Black woman who has been married to a 36 y/o White man for 5 years. We have twin daughters (three years old). DH's family are a mixed bag. DH's generation and younger are very nice, but the older generation is where things get hairy. FIL is a great guy; very laid back and has always been kind, respectful and open-hearted. MIL is not so great. She has been staunchly against our relationship from the get-go, afraid of what people will think, so on and so forth. DH's family is Southern upper middle class, and interracial relationships among the older folks there are seen as "trashy for people of their social standing." I wish I were exaggerating, but this is the exact phrase I have heard used. DH and I accepted long ago that, it being hard to teach old dogs new tricks, the older folks are free to believe as they choose as long as they treat me with respect. They have begrudgingly done so since we have been together, but only to my face. Here is the problem: I underestimated the amount of stress their shenanigans can cause, even long distance (we live over 1500 miles away). The worst offenders are my MIL and her sister, who are hyper vigilant about making sure their friends & neighbors do not find out about DH "and his Negros." A neighbor who asked about me was told I was a housekeeper. There are no photos of my daughters in my MIL's home, but tons of photos of DH's nieces and nephews. When we came to visit about a year ago, MIL nearly had a heart attack b/c FIL wanted to take the DDs for a picnic by the lake where he plays golf because there would be lots of ducks (one of the twins absolutely LOVES birds). She was worried one of her friends would be there for lunch or something and discover her secret. MIL and her sister are constantly calling each other or meeting to fuel each other's outrage about DH and I's marriage/family. Afterward, DH always gets an admonishing phone call, which turns into an argument or him hanging up on one of them, and him being in a bad mood for a few days afterward. DH has missed two of his close cousin's weddings (He was invited to both, but I was not. DH's aunt did not want a "Black face ruining the photos." Cousins were not happy about this, but their mother controls the purse strings so what she said ruled). My family has never been invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas (just DH), though it is "okay for us to drop by a couple days after." This is just the tip of the iceberg, but you get the picture.
How do I deal with DH's mounting stress and moodiness every time one of his family members acts up? I have watched a happy, carefree man turn into a very stressed and angry one. He stands up for me and our DDs every single time and always has, but I know he is battle-weary, and just wants his life back. He won't say it, but I know he misses being with his family and friends from back home. Unfortunately, I have started to have thoughts that maybe it is best if the girls and I leave him. I do not want my daughters to grow up being exposed to my DH's poisonous family. I don't want them feeling as if they caused their father to be estranged from his own family that he was once a happy part of. To be fair, most of DH's family do not seem to feel the way that MIL and her sister do, but no one but my DH has ever openly objected to their obnoxious and hurtful behavior. Thus, I feel their silence makes them complicit. I was raised to speak up when someone is being mistreated, and would never tolerate anyone in my family treating another human being poorly. I love my husband, but he deserves peace, and so do my girls. Any advice?
Chillipepper is right. You will have to lead separate lives. Allow him to go to his family without you. Those who are opened minded towards your relationship can visit you. This will allow him to have the best of both worlds. It will also give you some peace as well.
Wow. I am just floored by this. What year is this?
I really am at a loss for words. Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this.
Unfortunately, it is very much a real reality. I have a friend in the same situation. The only difference is that he will not defend her. I had a small peek into her life and I could not do it. It is too much. She just stays away.
. MIL is not so great. She has been staunchly against our relationship from the get-go, afraid of what people will think, so on and so forth. DH's family is Southern upper middle class, and interracial relationships among the older folks there are seen as "trashy for people of their social standing." ?
I'm so sorry you are going through this and as a southerner I know exactly what generation and comments you speak.
My suggestion for you would be to fight fire with fire.
For his next birthday, take out an ad in the local paper wishing him a happy birthday and include the most recent family photo.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and as a southerner I know exactly what generation and comments you speak.
My suggestion for you would be to fight fire with fire.
For his next birthday, take out an ad in the local paper wishing him a happy birthday and include the most recent family photo.
Oh Heck no. She shouldn't be trying to add on stress to her husband who's already dealing with the situation badly. Fighting fire with fire does nothing but fuel it even more.
She needs to talk to him about how he's handling it and they need to figure out another way to handle it that would make it easier for them to deal.
I honestly do not feel talking about it will change the situation. He is not the problem; his family is. He defends his wife. What else can he do? The only solution is to allow him to have a separate life with his family without judgement. His parents must have done something right otherwise the OP would not have married him. I watched my friend go through this for over ten years. It is demoralizing. Stay away and his genuine family members will seek you out.
I've been there - it's amazing that things like that happen still. Don't let it get to you. Live your life with your family the best that you can. It's a little disappointing that your husband's family (the normal ones) doesn't take more of a stand for you but that is a tough situation to be in. Unfortunately when it is close to home a lot of people aren't as emotionally strong as you would think they would be.
Enjoy the family members that you get along with and forget about the others. If your husband feels that he still needs to interact with them don't put yourself or your children in a stressful situation, let him go without you if he feels it is necessary.
When it comes down to it there is a whole litany of reasons people can dislike you. You aren't alone in your situation. That doesn't fix it, but I think sometimes people bow to family pressures when really it is the family that are the nutjobs. If you were in a normal place out in public and one of those situations was unfolding, who would be embarrassed of their actions? Who would get glares from a room full of people? Not you. They would.
There isn't much more to it than that. It's disconcerting to find that your family (or his), who should be the most supportive, are not. Just let it go. It's not worth worrying yourself over and certainly not worth exposing your kids to people who are really, truly not worth being around. Leaving your husband isn't going to solve anything either. You have kids. They don't evaporate when you get a divorce. He didn't choose his family but he did choose you and your kids. MIL doesn't depend on him, but your kids do.
I just wouldn't ever again stay at the inlaws' house or go to their home for gatherings. Do not spend holidays with them - create your own holidays in your own home with your own friends.
You said you live 1500 miles away so I am confused how this is something causing so much stress for hubby. He should fully well know what is going on and why . . . and if he got cut off from the $$$ years back . . . there shouldnt' be any reason for him to be so conciliatory to his family, anyway. I mean - that pretty well showed how highly they regarded him.
So I guess I am failing to see how this is causing daily problems.
Talk to hubby and get a game plan in place.
1. Never stay in their home again. Never go for holidays and thus, for holiday gatherings. Do holiday gatherings in your own home. Visit during the holidays, if you must, but not ON holidays (Christmas Day, Easter, July 4th, etc)-- that way you can see friends but will be able to avoid the dinners at the inlaws (or Aunt's) home.
2. You seem to have accepted that some people are bigots and that isn't going to change. So there really is nothing else to be "done" in this situation. They are who they are.
3. Live your life as a couple and family 1500 miles away from these people and stay in touch with those who wish to stay in touch. If your hubby is still tied up with his mother/father by frequent phone convos, just cut back on those. He shouldn't be so wrapped up in their lives that it affects his daily life with you and his children (which is perplexing, unless he is talking with these folks regularly).
Enjoy your family! A wonderful hubby who loves you and beautiful children! You don't need the inlaws in order to have a good life so minimize their affect on your lives.
BTW, the FIL sounds like a nice guy. Too bad he isn't able to be the grandfather to your kids that he would be otherwise. Is there any way he alone could come visit?
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