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I'm African-American and my wife is Ukrainian, her in-laws accept me and my family accepts her but her family refuses to tell neighbors and friends that she lives outside of the country. They did this long before I was in the picture only because if the neighbors found out that she lives abroad they would treat her family as outcasts, it sounds stupid but it is still a hold over of Soviet mentality. I would say that the reason they aren't inviting OP to family functions is because of their concern about the neighbors but that doesn't seem to be the case. The way that they are treating her suggests that she's not accepted as well as her children.
OP needs to stand by her family and her husband should cut his family off until they are respectful enough to accept his family, if they never do then he can live with the fact that he stood by his wife and kids and his extended family made the decision not to be respectful. To invite him to weddings but not her is flat out disrespectful. Honestly if I were OP's husband, I would cut off contact, change my phone number, move (if possible) and send out a family photograph to as many of my parents neighbors as I possibly could and never look back.
Like others I think its hilarious that MIL believes others don't know about you in her town, especially if its a small town.
That being said, there are basically two ways to handle this, confrontation or living your own life, taking the high road and ignoring MIL and Aunts craziness. You and your husband need to talk about what you want to do and how you want to handle this going forward. If you need help to do that, theres no shame in getting a therapist to help you sort it out.
Your H may need some therapy do deal with them anyway when it comes to setting boundaries. He grew up with this dysfunction, and its not just the racism......theres a heavy element of control that he's probably dealt with his whole life.
My guess if it wasn't your skin color, it would be something else with MIL.
I would at least be loud and proud enough in that town, that the ridiculous pretense that you don't exist can no longer be justified lol.
I am not a big fan of cutting off family and I don't think anything is served by expecting other people in the family to go to war on your behalf. Great if they stand up for what is right, but imo whatever the issue is, the more people you drag into it the more drama there will be.
I would encourage a relationship between your kids and their grandfather....facetime, phone, send pics, etc. Maybe MIL will want in on that and come around through your kids. Maybe not.
Your husbands in a tough spot; he does need to have your and your kids backs; leaving him or demanding he cut off his family imo doesn't really resolve the issue. I definitely think he should stop answering the phone everytime they call if its creating so much stress.
Ultimately, with difficult families, you have to decide what your boundaries are and learn to enforce them calmly in a way that minimizes the drama crazy family tries to start. Its never going to be a Rockwell painting, so you have to let that expectation go.
I am a 35 y/o Black woman who has been married to a 36 y/o White man for 5 years. We have twin daughters (three years old). DH's family are a mixed bag. DH's generation and younger are very nice, but the older generation is where things get hairy. FIL is a great guy; very laid back and has always been kind, respectful and open-hearted. MIL is not so great. She has been staunchly against our relationship from the get-go, afraid of what people will think, so on and so forth. DH's family is Southern upper middle class, and interracial relationships among the older folks there are seen as "trashy for people of their social standing." I wish I were exaggerating, but this is the exact phrase I have heard used. DH and I accepted long ago that, it being hard to teach old dogs new tricks, the older folks are free to believe as they choose as long as they treat me with respect. They have begrudgingly done so since we have been together, but only to my face. Here is the problem: I underestimated the amount of stress their shenanigans can cause, even long distance (we live over 1500 miles away). The worst offenders are my MIL and her sister, who are hyper vigilant about making sure their friends & neighbors do not find out about DH "and his Negros." A neighbor who asked about me was told I was a housekeeper. There are no photos of my daughters in my MIL's home, but tons of photos of DH's nieces and nephews. When we came to visit about a year ago, MIL nearly had a heart attack b/c FIL wanted to take the DDs for a picnic by the lake where he plays golf because there would be lots of ducks (one of the twins absolutely LOVES birds). She was worried one of her friends would be there for lunch or something and discover her secret. MIL and her sister are constantly calling each other or meeting to fuel each other's outrage about DH and I's marriage/family. Afterward, DH always gets an admonishing phone call, which turns into an argument or him hanging up on one of them, and him being in a bad mood for a few days afterward. DH has missed two of his close cousin's weddings (He was invited to both, but I was not. DH's aunt did not want a "Black face ruining the photos." Cousins were not happy about this, but their mother controls the purse strings so what she said ruled). My family has never been invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas (just DH), though it is "okay for us to drop by a couple days after." This is just the tip of the iceberg, but you get the picture.
How do I deal with DH's mounting stress and moodiness every time one of his family members acts up? I have watched a happy, carefree man turn into a very stressed and angry one. He stands up for me and our DDs every single time and always has, but I know he is battle-weary, and just wants his life back. He won't say it, but I know he misses being with his family and friends from back home. Unfortunately, I have started to have thoughts that maybe it is best if the girls and I leave him. I do not want my daughters to grow up being exposed to my DH's poisonous family. I don't want them feeling as if they caused their father to be estranged from his own family that he was once a happy part of. To be fair, most of DH's family do not seem to feel the way that MIL and her sister do, but no one but my DH has ever openly objected to their obnoxious and hurtful behavior. Thus, I feel their silence makes them complicit. I was raised to speak up when someone is being mistreated, and would never tolerate anyone in my family treating another human being poorly. I love my husband, but he deserves peace, and so do my girls. Any advice?
Like others I think its hilarious that MIL believes others don't know about you in her town, especially if its a small town.
That being said, there are basically two ways to handle this, confrontation or living your own life, taking the high road and ignoring MIL and Aunts craziness. You and your husband need to talk about what you want to do and how you want to handle this going forward. If you need help to do that, theres no shame in getting a therapist to help you sort it out.
Your H may need some therapy do deal with them anyway when it comes to setting boundaries. He grew up with this dysfunction, and its not just the racism......theres a heavy element of control that he's probably dealt with his whole life.
My guess if it wasn't your skin color, it would be something else with MIL.
I would at least be loud and proud enough in that town, that the ridiculous pretense that you don't exist can no longer be justified lol.
I am not a big fan of cutting off family and I don't think anything is served by expecting other people in the family to go to war on your behalf. Great if they stand up for what is right, but imo whatever the issue is, the more people you drag into it the more drama there will be.
I would encourage a relationship between your kids and their grandfather....facetime, phone, send pics, etc. Maybe MIL will want in on that and come around through your kids. Maybe not.
Your husbands in a tough spot; he does need to have your and your kids backs; leaving him or demanding he cut off his family imo doesn't really resolve the issue. I definitely think he should stop answering the phone everytime they call if its creating so much stress.
Ultimately, with difficult families, you have to decide what your boundaries are and learn to enforce them calmly in a way that minimizes the drama crazy family tries to start. Its never going to be a Rockwell painting, so you have to let that expectation go.
Hey. To whoever left this "rep" on my profile without leaving your name (uncool on so many different levels, by the way):
Quote:
if I could, I would alert your family that you regularly post info and photos about them here. I'd be upset if my mom or mother in law did this.
You don't need to worry about my family. My family is fine with me posting this information on this forum. There is absolutely no way that they can be harmed in any way by me doing so.
If YOU don't want YOUR family members to discuss YOUR family, then take it up with them. As for my family, frankly our agreements are not your business.
And please feel free to put me on "ignore" if my comments irritate you. I don't believe they are against forum rules.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 02-25-2014 at 09:18 AM..
Hey. To whoever left this "rep" on my profile without leaving your name (uncool on so many different levels, by the way):
You don't need to worry about my family. My family is fine with me posting this information on this forum. There is absolutely no way that they can be harmed in any way by me doing so.
If YOU don't want YOUR family members to discuss YOUR family, then take it up with them. As for my family, frankly our agreements are not your business.
And please feel free to put me on "ignore" if my comments irritate you. I don't believe they are against forum rules.
Whoa. I enjoyed the photos of your well-blended family!
I have a biracial niece (I say she is the most adorable kid in the world because she got only the best of each side!) and I have grandparents that aren't as accepting towards her. It's sad, so it is nice to see a happily blended family! (even the dog looks happy to be a part of it!)
Whoa. I enjoyed the photos of your well-blended family!
I have a biracial niece (I say she is the most adorable kid in the world because she got only the best of each side!) and I have grandparents that aren't as accepting towards her. It's sad, so it is nice to see a happily blended family! (even the dog looks happy to be a part of it!)
Thank you so much.
I am sorry that your grandparents are denying themselves the joy of a relationship with your niece. I do hope that the rest of your family surrounds this child with love - it sounds like you do and I think you are both lucky to have each other.
Wow, just got another weird - and of course anonymous - "rep" comment - and here it is:
Quote:
your family photo looks like an orphan house. "Congrats"
Coupla things to note:
1. Whoever you are - the fact that you don't sign your name to such comments is very telling - and cowardly. Way to hide behind a computer screen! "Congrats."
2. Your negative "rep" has thankfully been more than negated by the many truly positive rep comments I've received regarding this thread.
3. Several of the people in the photo actually ARE adopted - from Korea, where they were living in orphanages in poverty. Does that make them less valuable as people? Is the fact that they were ophans prior to being adopted by loving families make them less beautiful or less of a blessing? I don't think so.
Also sorry to hear about your situation. I am also a black women married to a white man but have been very welcomed into his family and would be beside myself ifI had to deal with this.
Sadly, I think its best that you and your husband limit your time and interaction with the MIL. If she is soo embarrassed of her family, your children should not be subjected to her. I'd make time for the FIL but not waste too much with the MIL and sister. Clearly they have their issues. I would try and keep it theirs.
Wish I had better advice. They are missing out. Not you and your girls.
Good luck!
I keep hearing people say older people are against IR relationships. How old is old? I was a product of parents from the Hippy generation and they are very open. My folks, aunts and uncles are 60s closing on 70 and they are all open to IR realtionships. Older IR relationships are more common than ever.
I keep hearing people say older people are against IR relationships. How old is old? I was a product of parents from the Hippy generation and they are very open. My folks, aunts and uncles are 60s closing on 70 and they are all open to IR realtionships. Older IR relationships are more common than ever.
My parents are in their mid 70s and they had no problem with interracial relationships - and still don't. THEIR parents' generation (raised and well into adulthood prior to the Civil Rights Movement) had more of an issue with it, but guess what - THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW.
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(even the dog looks happy to be a part of it!)