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When they arrive, give them 1 roll of Toilet Paper and tell them when it's gone they should be also.
That's always worked for me.
Guest should never stay beyond 3-5 days. After that it's bad for everybody.
Ha ha, good idea!
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikitakolata
OP, all I can really say is that I feel for you. My in-laws have many of the same qualities as yours. My MIL is very selfish and a bit of a bully; she is SO MEAN to my FIL that it shocks me the way she treats him. He can be a bit of a dope, but man, she is harsh.
We had a scenario where my MIL was staying at our house a couple nights a week for 2 years. Supposedly she likes me, but it's hard to tell from my side. I'm a little afraid of her, honestly. So, basically, I felt like a prisoner in my own home for 2 years. It was a huge problem and my husband and I had the same argument about it every Thursday night for that entire time. I couldn't take it; I started planning to be away on the nights she was there, which was ridiculous.
So, I feel your pain. I don't understand why they would come "to see their grandchildren" yet not keep them home from day care or even pick them up. I really think your wife should confront her parents, but if she's like my husband, she's probably a little afraid of her mother and doesn't want to hurt her feelings (even as MIL tramples all over yours). My family sounds like yours, OP, and is very different from my in-laws. If this situation were reversed and my parents were being unreasonable (it's happened), I would just tell them to knock it off and that would be the end of it. But, my husband does not have that kind of relationship with his parents and, apparently, cannot talk to them about much of anything. It's sad, really.
Anyway, just know you're not alone. I think the only solution is to try and convince your wife to talk to her parents. Offer to do it with her if that will help. In my case, our weekly "visits" from my MIL only ended when she retired from her job (she was commuting from Milwaukee to a job that was transferred to Chicago). In two years she never bought groceries, washed the sheets from her bed, cleaned her bathroom (she had her own dedicated bedroom and bathroom), etc. it was a painful experience.
Edited to add: when I posted about my MIL experience, plenty of people told me to "get over it" as well. I don't understand why I should be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home due to an unwelcome "guest" for years on end. I will never understand this "old people are untouchable" view some people have. An old person can be rude an intolerable, just like a young person and being old is not an excuse for bad behavior, IMO.
I believe my wife tries, but her mom gives her a guilt trip that she is an elder and that I should just deal with how her mom behaves. When my wife has had issues with my parents, I talk to my parents and resolve it. My parents understand and change the behavior. I don't understand why some people think older people are untouchable either. I definitely treat older people with more respect out of general courtesy (I have an old woman who was a complete stranger a ride home from a doctor's office after she was waiting for a cab for over 45 minutes. She wanted to pay me, but I refused). This woman wanted to pay me for my kindness and for helping her out. I respected that and was happy to help her because she wanted to repay me for my kindness. My relationship with my in laws is different. I will give and give and they will only take. When they do give back it is a whole to do.
When my in laws are at my house I try to avoid them because my MIL will want to talk my ear off and the conversation tends to focus about money or how much something costs and because she likes to get close to me (close talker) I try to avoid it. My FIL is a generally nice person and if it were not for my MIL I would have an excellent relationship with him. I just have a hard time understanding why he puts up with being a door mat.
I'm gonna suggest something radical, which I'm sure will get a few panties in a wad especially for those who think nothing's wrong with being a martyr for 10 years running.
I would do a few things.
First off, and this is important: have one last conversation with your wife about making some changes etc. and if you get zero response again, proceed with phase 2.
I would accidentally let the dog out of the room a number of times. Just forget to put him back after a walk and stuff like that. You can just say "ooops" if someone gives you grief for it.
I would choose the week of their visit to become re-acquainted with your own friends and some other perhaps neglected aspects of your own life. Schedule a couple nights with the guys, go get a massage or a haircut, maybe even go to a ballgame or something either alone or with your kids. That will get you away and also tie up your car.
Buy yourself dinner each night. Yep. Grab something on the way home from work and walk in, plop yourself down, and eat wherever you choose. Better yet, if it's a night of picking up your kids, get them take out too and have your own little mini-meal together.
This will at a minimum force your wife into confronting the issue in ways she has never done before. It may also **** off your MIL and guess what...GOOD! Go home. And if, sadly, your wife chooses your MIL over you and your kids, well better to know now. I would not suggest this AT ALL if this charade hasn't been going on for 10 years with no signs of abating.
Is there an ethnic dynamic involved? If so, you might be SOL. I have noticed that in some cultures, the parents expect to be catered to.
My friend's DIL is Lebanese Catholic (as opposed to Lebanese Muslim, if that makes a difference). She is first generation and has several sisters. All of the sisters are expected to chip in for mom's every need and want, including a Mercedes and a Miami high rise. The girls do it unquestioningly. My friend's DIL is no pushover either, and fortunately is a highly paid executive.
Why is it necessary for them to stay so long? Houseguests are like fish after 3 days they both stink. I would gently tell them its difficult with the kids and dog for them to be at your home for a week, or any other other excuse they will not hurt their feelings.
It is very kind of them to make dinner but what is the problem with picking up your children or helping out in some other way.
Since I am an animal lover I wouldn't confine my dog for anyone. May I recommend Benadryl or any other allergy medication. I find it odd that she doesn't have a reaction just being in your home. There is no way you can eliminate
pet dander and fur that completely, just something for you to think about.
Although I don't have a dog right now I do have 4 cats and if someone is allergic I would recommend they stay at a hotel.
Wow, I'm surprised to see so many hateful comments here directed at the guests.
I was raised to treat guests in your home with great hospitality. I would NEVER expect them to buy their own food, do chores, or pick up kids from school. They can lounge on the couch eating bon bons for a week for all I care; it's their vacation/trip/visit.
When my in laws or other guests are here, I wait on them hand and foot to make sure they enjoy their stay. This includes, grocery shopping for extra special foods, cooking gourmet meals, making sure they have an extra comfortable guest room, always refilling their drinks, etc. I cook all the meals, clean all the dishes and cater to them. I even buy locally made gifts for them to take home - things that are special to my area that they cannot find back home, as a parting gift/care package. I even do their laundry the night before they leave, so they don't have to return home tired with bags of dirty clothes.
i agree w/ a poster that this seems like cultural differences may be adding to the tension. by any chance is your family and our wife's family from two different cultural or ethnic backgrounds?
^^ and i ask b/c my MIL is VERY traditional to her customs (i.e. her son is king and i should cook/clean 100%) and that added to the tension when she visits. hence, the 5 day MAX rule.
Well, I sure don't expect guests to act like they live here. I wouldn't even want them to, really, because I'm a bit territorial. I had my two brothers here last year and all I wanted was for them to relax and enjoy a good visit. If I needed help with something like take out the garbage or lift/move something then they were more than willing. But I would never expect them to partake of all the tasks we do in our home. They're guests. And if I spend time visiting someone, I'll help with a little bit but, quite frankly, do not try to pretend that I'm living there.
However, families are raised differently in how they do things.
Why is it necessary for them to stay so long? Houseguests are like fish after 3 days they both stink. I would gently tell them its difficult with the kids and dog for them to be at your home for a week, or any other other excuse they will not hurt their feelings.
It is very kind of them to make dinner but what is the problem with picking up your children or helping out in some other way.
Since I am an animal lover I wouldn't confine my dog for anyone. May I recommend Benadryl or any other allergy medication. I find it odd that she doesn't have a reaction just being in your home. There is no way you can eliminate
pet dander and fur that completely, just something for you to think about.
Although I don't have a dog right now I do have 4 cats and if someone is allergic I would recommend they stay at a hotel.
LOVE this!
Especially the part about houseguests like fish after 3 days.
And I would never, NEVER confine my pet. Allergic? Don't stay with me. Period.
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