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The advice is great, but the OP has already gotten the vapors just imagining saying "no" or "let's do something different" to her mother. She's not going to change a thing because she's allowed herself to be a doormat for a controlling mother. And controlling people will use anything they can to stay in control--guilt, threats, silent treatment, shaming, hysteria. It works because a controller can't control without volunteer victims, and this 81 yr old momma has several to boss around.
We're talking about adult women with families of their own who are seething in resentment over being 'forced' into doing mother's bidding and not getting to spend time with their extended family during a big holiday.
OP, until you learn how to say a nice version of "no" and stick to it, you will ultimately continue this dance for the rest of your mother's life.
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Hmmm. I'm not completely understanding the logistics here.
It seems if you rent a hall to serve the dinner, you'd bring the food cooked and it would just need to be warmed? Like, you can get those disposable aluminum storage platters and bring the food ready to warm in the oven? Between those and a few large crockpots to warm and serve things like sweet potatoes and green bean casserole, etc., this doesn't seem like there would be a lot of on-site work. Then at the end you can pack back up your empty crock pots, throw away the aluminum serving trays (or transport your leftovers back home in them). It seems you could get those nice heavy clear plastic plates that are disposable, and bring nice metal cutlery that you toss back in a plastic bin to put in the dishwasher at home.
I do get what you're saying, though. My sister and I ran a family reunion for 60+ people every year for about 10 years and no one would offer to take it over, so we just stopped holding it and now we do something fun with just our branch, about 25 people. There were definitely people who would come and eat every year and do nothing at all to help out, and in fact not even acknowledge us necessarily. Buh bye.
This is one of the husbands. Many of us are very busy setting up tables, chairs, place settings, bringing out food, helping out in the kitchen. We aren't just sitting around watching the women work! Out of town cousins OTH...not so much!!
I'm the OP. I called mom today and told her that my sister-in-law (main chef) just can't do it anymore. We rely on SIL because of her catering background, but she has lost her enjoyment of large events. I told mom that I am STILL exhausted from the Thursday dinner, and mom admits she is also still tired and had 2 naps today before 9:00 am. I asked her what we can do differently and she said "maybe we can make the potatoes a day early." What SIL and I want to do is a completely different menu, one where everyone brings a dish. Sure...it would be a smorgasbord and no turkey with stuffing, but what's wrong with that? It's about the conversation, isn't it? Especially at our age. But, mom is reluctant to give up the traditions...(she inherited this dinner from her MIL), and she scoffs at her friends who go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I'm afraid my SIL is going to have a melt-down, especially since my sister and other SIL are of little help. I'm beginning to realize how stubborn and controlling my mother is....but in the nicest "little old lady" way.
I'm the OP. I called mom today and told her that my sister-in-law (main chef) just can't do it anymore. We rely on SIL because of her catering background, but she has lost her enjoyment of large events. I told mom that I am STILL exhausted from the Thursday dinner, and mom admits she is also still tired and had 2 naps today before 9:00 am. I asked her what we can do differently and she said "maybe we can make the potatoes a day early." What SIL and I want to do is a completely different menu, one where everyone brings a dish. Sure...it would be a smorgasbord and no turkey with stuffing, but what's wrong with that? It's about the conversation, isn't it? Especially at our age. But, mom is reluctant to give up the traditions...(she inherited this dinner from her MIL), and she scoffs at her friends who go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I'm afraid my SIL is going to have a melt-down, especially since my sister and other SIL are of little help. I'm beginning to realize how stubborn and controlling my mother is....but in the nicest "little old lady" way.
She can't do it, unless you allow her to do so. Tell her that next year it is a pot luck & every single attendee/family is to bring a dish. Someone will have to be in charge of the pot luck lists, if she is emailing you recipes, maybe she can do that, & don't let the out of town cousins freeload anymore either.
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Originally Posted by Lamppy
I'm the OP. I called mom today and told her that my sister-in-law (main chef) just can't do it anymore. We rely on SIL because of her catering background, but she has lost her enjoyment of large events. I told mom that I am STILL exhausted from the Thursday dinner, and mom admits she is also still tired and had 2 naps today before 9:00 am. I asked her what we can do differently and she said "maybe we can make the potatoes a day early." What SIL and I want to do is a completely different menu, one where everyone brings a dish. Sure...it would be a smorgasbord and no turkey with stuffing, but what's wrong with that? It's about the conversation, isn't it? Especially at our age. But, mom is reluctant to give up the traditions...(she inherited this dinner from her MIL), and she scoffs at her friends who go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I'm afraid my SIL is going to have a melt-down, especially since my sister and other SIL are of little help. I'm beginning to realize how stubborn and controlling my mother is....but in the nicest "little old lady" way.
Lamppy, this is Monday night. Are you truly still exhausted from last Thursday where you had to serve a meal to 60ish people?
I suspect you aren't still tired. I'm guessing it's still on your mind, and you're still frustrated.
I posted upthread about an easier way to do this. There is no reason to give up on traditional food -Thanksgiving food is pretty easy to prepare ahead, and cheap, and easy to transport and would do well reheated.
But, mom is reluctant to give up the traditions...(she inherited this dinner from her MIL), and she scoffs at her friends who go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I'm afraid my SIL is going to have a melt-down, especially since my sister and other SIL are of little help. I'm beginning to realize how stubborn and controlling my mother is....but in the nicest "little old lady" way.
There's a saying that applies quite well in this situation: "there are no victims, just volunteers."
Until each of you find your spine and use it to stand up and say "no more," nothing will ever really change.
She can't do it, unless you allow her to do so. Tell her that next year it is a pot luck & every single attendee/family is to bring a dish. Someone will have to be in charge of the pot luck lists, if she is emailing you recipes, maybe she can do that, & don't let the out of town cousins freeload anymore either.
I think the mom just needs to be taken out of the equation. If she is given the authority to email people recipes, she’s just going to foist the responsibility on someone else and make them miserable. If it’s pot luck, people should be able to bring what they like and/or bring something that they can cook and cook well in larger quantities. Why does it need to be a traditional menu? I think part of the whole point of this thread is that it is time for the traditions to change and the new generations to come in and incorporate dishes they like, which might include dishes that are non-traditional or more innovative takes on the classics. There is nothing wrong with that if it’s just one dish out of many.
I'm the OP. I called mom today and told her that my sister-in-law (main chef) just can't do it anymore. We rely on SIL because of her catering background, but she has lost her enjoyment of large events. I told mom that I am STILL exhausted from the Thursday dinner, and mom admits she is also still tired and had 2 naps today before 9:00 am. I asked her what we can do differently and she said "maybe we can make the potatoes a day early." What SIL and I want to do is a completely different menu, one where everyone brings a dish. Sure...it would be a smorgasbord and no turkey with stuffing, but what's wrong with that? It's about the conversation, isn't it? Especially at our age. But, mom is reluctant to give up the traditions...(she inherited this dinner from her MIL), and she scoffs at her friends who go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. I'm afraid my SIL is going to have a melt-down, especially since my sister and other SIL are of little help. I'm beginning to realize how stubborn and controlling my mother is....but in the nicest "little old lady" way.
If your mom said "maybe we can make the potatoes a day early" that is no solution to the real problem and it demonstrates that she's losing her grip on the reality of the situation and it's too much for her to deal with. It's time for the rest of the family to step up and take charge of how these big family dinners are going to go down so that everyone contributes and everyone gets enjoyment from it.
A suggestion for you. You don't have to go without the turkey and stuffing and it would be sad if you did because the turkey and stuffing (and gravy) is always the shining high-light of any thanksgiving meal. You said in an earlier post that "Mom makes the stuffing and turkey". It's her party and she wants to plan it her way and get accolades for it. So have her continue to provide only the turkey and stuffing (the jewel in the crown) while everybody else each brings a separate dish of the other accompanying foods. If everyone provides something different there will actually be more food than usual and you can plan an overall menu with a greater variety of foods for everyone to choose from, plus you'll have leftovers for people to take home after a fabulous feast done up smorgasbord style.
Lamppy, this is Monday night. Are you truly still exhausted from last Thursday where you had to serve a meal to 60ish people?
I suspect you aren't still tired. I'm guessing it's still on your mind, and you're still frustrated.
I posted upthread about an easier way to do this. There is no reason to give up on traditional food -Thanksgiving food is pretty easy to prepare ahead, and cheap, and easy to transport and would do well reheated.
Best wishes.
Well, there was also the 6 hour drive, the preparation for the musical performance (we always have a talent show), and the long conversations with SIL....so, yeah.....still tired.
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