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Your argument is not really about money. It should be about communication.
Communication with your husband, that is. You need to sit down and talk with him about expectations. I understand some of the dynamics that go on with divorced parents and why he may not want to intervene and be seen as the bad guy, but he needs to. It goes with the territory when you've formed a new family. You two need to come to some understandings and then he needs to talk to his boy about how things are going to go. First up, no inviting the girlfriend without prior permission from you, THE PARENTS.
You know, when I was a kid, we never got movie concessions. It wasn't in my family's budget either. We lived! We each had enough to stop at the local drugstore and buy a small package of Milk Duds or Good 'n Plenty to put in our pocket to take into the theatre and that was it. Your stepson hasn't been told that movie food is not in the budget. You've paid before: Why wouldn't he ask for it? He needs to be told what to expect – "No, we will not be paying for concessions". And it will be up to him to impart that information to the girlfriend if she is going to come – that is, be INVITED. If he wants to earn money for that express purpose, he can spend it that way.
The kid has the power right now.
You are putting the blame for your resentment on the other parents, the girl, your stepson, money, "etiquette" ... everywhere but where the problem lies. The problem is the lack of communication and agreement between you and your husband. Start there. You'd better start getting on the same page or this is just the beginning of your step-woes.
We established what is customary is for the person inviting to pay.
Yep I was raised this way as well and made myself feel better about it by thinking this. BUT when I sent mine with others, I always gave them money for admission/food/whatever; sometimes the other parents refused it and other times they accepted it. I can say I can count on two hands the amount of times a kid who came with us had money on him/her to pay for themself. Many of the outings were p expensive (movies, museums, indoor arcades, go karts, laser tag, many restaurant outings etc etc) esp X 3-4 kids.
I never really minded, I just wondered why I was the only one ashamed and embarrassed to send mine empty handed.
Your argument is not really about money. It should be about communication.
Communication with your husband, that is. You need to sit down and talk with him about expectations. I understand some of the dynamics that go on with divorced parents and why he may not want to intervene and be seen as the bad guy, but he needs to. It goes with the territory when you've formed a new family. You two need to come to some understandings and then he needs to talk to his boy about how things are going to go. First up, no inviting the girlfriend without prior permission from you, THE PARENTS.
You know, when I was a kid, we never got movie concessions. It wasn't in my family's budget either. We lived! We each had enough to stop at the local drugstore and buy a small package of Milk Duds or Good 'n Plenty to put in our pocket to take into the theatre and that was it. Your stepson hasn't been told that movie food is not in the budget. You've paid before: Why wouldn't he ask for it? He needs to be told what to expect – "No, we will not be paying for concessions". And it will be up to him to impart that information to the girlfriend if she is going to come – that is, be INVITED. If he wants to earn money for that express purpose, he can spend it that way.
The kid has the power right now.
You are putting the blame for your resentment on the other parents, the girl, your stepson, money, "etiquette" ... everywhere but where the problem lies. The problem is the lack of communication and agreement between you and your husband. Start there. You'd better start getting on the same page or this is just the beginning of your step-woes.
Thank you. This is very helpful. He isn't my son, and he is overall a good kid, but I leave the disciplining to my husband b/c I don't want to discipline and be seen as the bad guy … cuz he can legit say "you're not my mom" and well, he'd be right. I'd rather not deal with disciplining and let my husband do it.
His son has not lived with us until this year, so my husband I think is trying to make up for lost time and not saying 'no' too much to him … mostly too, where he lived before this was not a good situation. My husband wants to make the kid's time here a positive experience … and I don't blame him, I do understand. On the flipside, just b/c we have a lot more money than his mother where he was previously living, he has to know we are by no means rich and money is not unlimited. It's difficult b/c there is an obvious income difference and he is aware of it. So he thinks we can do all these things, and I don't think he realizes when you add another person to the mix, costs add up.
I know my husband is going to need to talk to him @ some point and lay down ground rules.
This sounds like more a marital issue than parenting. You don't really seem happy that your stepson came to live with you. But if you marry someone with younger kids, you should imagine that you could get the kids for one reason or the other.
You say you are scrapping by then later say you are not. Which is it? And buying $300 wedding gift is not the norm anywhere. You buy what you can afford.
My kids are much younger but we've frequently taken their friends with us to places and always paid and my kids go out with their friends families and those parents also pay.
He hasn't said anything but that doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. I think he knows being with her makes his son happy so he just goes with it.
And as long as it doesn't get out of control, that's probably the right attitude to take. I know that if my siring days were in my rearview mirror, I would do anything I could to help my son land the best girlfriend (and as I see it, the best mother to my future grandchildren) he could. I feel like that's my biological duty. Within reason of course. I'm not going to let myself and wife go hungry so my C-student son who smokes weed can take his girlfriend to Universal Studios.
This sounds like more a marital issue than parenting. You don't really seem happy that your stepson came to live with you. But if you marry someone with younger kids, you should imagine that you could get the kids for one reason or the other.
You say you are scrapping by then later say you are not. Which is it? And buying $300 wedding gift is not the norm anywhere. You buy what you can afford.
My kids are much younger but we've frequently taken their friends with us to places and always paid and my kids go out with their friends families and those parents also pay.
$300 a couple is the norm for NYC / NJ / Westchester / LI etc etc NYC metro area. $150 single, $300 couple. And I stated earlier, we go to weddings like once a year, so this is an one-time expense not recurring. And we're not 'buying' gifts … it's cash in an envelope.
Actually $300 is on the low side of standard. When we got married, we got around $350-$400 from most couples.
Still I don't see how a one-time wedding expense is relevant …
Yep I was raised this way as well and made myself feel better about it by thinking this. BUT when I sent mine with others, I always gave them money for admission/food/whatever; sometimes the other parents refused it and other times they accepted it. I can say I can count on two hands the amount of times a kid who came with us had money on him/her to pay for themself. Many of the outings were p expensive (movies, museums, indoor arcades, go karts, laser tag, many restaurant outings etc etc) esp X 3-4 kids.
I never really minded, I just wondered why I was the only one ashamed and embarrassed to send mine empty handed.
#noshameintheirgame
I always sent my kid with money. I was the divorced mom with a modest income and we lived amidst some very well-off two parent families. And some very poor ones.
If the other parents insisted on paying for my son, that was fine – but he was prepared. I was going to do everything in my power to help my kid not to be labeled as a mooch. Or the "divorced kid."
When other kids went with us sometimes and if I had asked them or told my son they could come, I expected I would probably pay. And did, unless there was an agreement otherwise beforehand.
I remember one little kid that came to our house every day after school for months. I'd feed him at dinnertime. Finally, I'd drive him home. No one ever seemed to be looking for him. Sometimes I got a little resentful thinking, "Again?" – but geez, that poor kid. It wasn't his fault.
People live by different standards that you often don't share and you have to do what you can to best navigate the minefields.
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