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This is a subject I see all the time. I really understand both sides of the arguement. You can't have your kids live in a bubble while they are kids. They have to have some degree of independence. I also understand the concern that something may go wrong. The chances are slim but there is still that chance. I have a son and sleepovers are as common as drinking water at my house. It's pretty much the same way at most of his neighborhood friends house. For me the saving grace is all of the kids have cell phones so the parents are only a phone call away. I have a co-worker who never ever let her daughter do sleepovers at friends or relatives house. When she went off to college she called home in tears every night to the point they had to go get her. She is now going to the local community college while staying at home. My co-worker can't understand what the problem. Everybody has to find a comfort level with their kids. I'm certainly not the one to tell a person what is right or what is wrong. Just understand that they will not be kids forever and giving them some independence now can pay off later.
We have to do what we think best. I do allow my kids to group sleepovers, such as parties, sleepaway camp, band overnights, etc.
There's just something about being alone in a house with unkown parents that concerns me. I guess its safety in numbers.
Also, here's something mothers of young girls should think about---if there's a TV in your home, I'm sure they've seen that Girls Gone Wild commercial. Despite all parental controls, it sneaks through. It shows girls doing disgusting things, obviously in a college dorm or hotel room. I did discuss this with my daughter and told her this is NOT what older girls do on sleepovers, etc.
We would never think our daughters would do such things, but don't forget, this is the age of experimenting, and they are easily influenced by what they see on TV. I can see things getting carried away at a party then someone just starts doing such things. I told my daughter nice, normal people don't do such things, regardless of what she sees on TV. I told her its worse than eating a dogs vomit.
I think all mothers should discuss this with their daughters, and sons, too. They will see it. It would be tragic if they somehow thought it was ok.
My DD (15) really didn't start wanting to do sleepovers until middle school, by then I didn't have much of a problem with it even if I didn't know the family that well. I was sure she would call me if she needed to come home and tell me if anything weird was going on. She has always been and still is somewhat of a tattletale even on herself. My DS (11) on the other hand I would worry about him not wanting to speak up if something didn't seem right. His BF lives 3 houses down and I know their family very well and so far that is the only place he has asked to spend the night at.
I would never worry about someone spending the night at my own house for the OP's stated reasons that's a little paranoid I believe.
So what are you going to do? Lock them up until they're 18 and then let them loose in the big bad world by themselves? That father could have easily shown porn to the kids at noon on a Saturday so really play dates should be out completely because you just never know.
Truthfully the kids handled it correctly. They told their parents and no one was seriously hurt, hopefully someone called the cops on the father.
But that's me, I've been known to enjoy a nice glass of wine with my neighbors while the kids play or watch a movie. Someone call CPS!
I didn't mean to make it sound as though enjoying a glass of wine or something is horrible. I too enjoy a nice glass of wine, when we have friends over with their kids... I am aware however,of several households where the drinking gets a little "out of hand" and the ones hosting the others have other neighbors children spending the night....
I just feel that is a little obnoxious to be playing drinking games while you are suppose to be the supervising adult..... that is all.
My DD (15) really didn't start wanting to do sleepovers until middle school, by then I didn't have much of a problem with it even if I didn't know the family that well. I was sure she would call me if she needed to come home and tell me if anything weird was going on. She has always been and still is somewhat of a tattletale even on herself. My DS (11) on the other hand I would worry about him not wanting to speak up if something didn't seem right. His BF lives 3 houses down and I know their family very well and so far that is the only place he has asked to spend the night at.
I would never worry about someone spending the night at my own house for the OP's stated reasons that's a little paranoid I believe.
Perhaps it might seem paranoid to you, but they actually prompt kids to see things this way. At a school talk about "stranger danger' they specifically used the example of a sleepover, what would you do if you were at a sleepover at a friend's house and their father/brother/uncle got up in the middle of the night and did things that made you uncomfortable? Of course, a hundred hands shot up with the answer TELL SOMEBODY!
Well, that just prompts kids to do so regardless of the situation. We don't know people very well in our neighborhood, I'm not setting ourselves up for such accusations. True, when I was a kid sleepovers were common, but they weren't prompting kids to see sexual abusers in every situaiton. I can just see if my daughter got on the voleyball team and another girl didn't then she comes to our house for a sleepover, next thing you know we're being accused of doing something that made them "uncomfortable".
We live in a witchhunt society, to ignore that is not facing the reality we're in nowdays.
Yeah, my teenage son does sleepovers, has been to summer camp away from home, been away on school trips and has gone on vacations with other families. I will never be fully comfortable with him being away from home, but it's something he needs to do to learn independence and something I need to learn to deal with. He likes to go and I suffer with separation anxiety.
Most times I know the families. He has spent the night with a couple of kids where I don't even know the kid much less the parents - as least personally not know them - I've heard of them or read about them in the media or whatever. That may be the nature of the beast of having a kid in private school. The families are so spread out, you don't always get to know the parents personally. Even when I drop him off at their houses for the sleepoevers, sometimes only household staff is present, no parents.
So far, nothing bad as happened. He has told me stories that make me cringe, however, and one of his classmates was killed when he went on vacation with another family (car accident), so I know bad things can happen. There's a neighbor kid who had a classmate kid spend the night and the classmate molested the little brother of the host kid. So, yeah, the potential is there. I know one time we had a kid go out of town with us one weekend and when we dropped the kid off at his house on Sunday his mother was literally falling down drunk. After that I never let my son spend the night over there anymore although I really like that mom. She just drinks too much.
Just because I let mine spend overnight time with other families, doesn't mean anyone else should let their kids. You got to do what is right for your own family. Sometimes you can't fathom it when they are early elementary grades, but then when they become teens it becomes more normal. Cell phones are really great for these type things.
We started out with Sleepovers with our Girl Scout troop. My husband went to his mom's and took the dogs. (It is a rule...no guys) We load up on chocolate and pizza and the whole troop comes over and all the moms are invited if they wanna come. That was 2nd grade. Then the next year we had it with just me and my assistant leader around...no one thought anything about it. Most of the girls in the troop had been practically living at each other's houses for a couple of years anyway. I know my daughter and my asst. leader's daughters do.
We had sleepovers at our house with multiple girls and if it is a "troop function" no guys and extra mom's around. We have sleepovers with basically the same crowd with me and hubby around too. It really don't matter to me, I know them, I know their parents. There are some houses I don't allow my daughters to sleep at, I don't trust the parents/older Sib's/crowd parents hang out with to be a good influence and responsible for my children. There are several I do trust.
My daughters have been to a 1-2 week Girl Scout camp for several years. They don't go "freely" to others house and I definitely wouldn't leave them with "household staff" that I didn't know anyone or the parents. That is just me. I haven't and won't let them go on a vacation with someone's family. They don't have cell phones. I either trust them or I don't. They can ask to use the home phone.
I don't allow other children to spend the night here, I don't want the risk that we would be accused of doing something "weird". They prompt kids to invent such stories, I was spending the night camping and Billy's Dad got up in the middle of the night and made me uncomfortable............hey, that's all that's needed to ruin someone's life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marylee54
We don't know people very well in our neighborhood, I'm not setting ourselves up for such accusations. True, when I was a kid sleepovers were common, but they weren't prompting kids to see sexual abusers in every situaiton. I can just see if my daughter got on the voleyball team and another girl didn't then she comes to our house for a sleepover, next thing you know we're being accused of doing something that made them "uncomfortable".
We live in a witchhunt society, to ignore that is not facing the reality we're in nowdays.
Marylee, I understand your wariness, but I'm curious about what you're afraid of. You say that you worry about accusations of "doing something weird" or making someone "uncomfortable." You don't think parents are going to press for details? They're not going to call the cops and say, "Arrest them, quick! They did something weird!" Or even if they did, the cops would want to know why.
What kinds of things are weird to do around children or can make them uncomfortable?
Walking around naked
Bathing or using the bathroom with the door open
Talking about sex
Watching porn or movies that their parents might find inappropriate
Having audible sex or fooling around where they can see you
Swearing
Fighting
Things like these seem to be common sense not to do around other people's children. (Most of these aren't appropriate to do around any children, but households vary--some families do have kissing, rated R movies, swearing, some sex talk.) I can see your hesitation about other people's homes, but if you don't do those things, what is someone going to accuse you of?
What's your policy on sleepovers? In general, we don't allow them. The world's too crazy now, unless I know the family very well I just don't feel comfortable allowing my daughter to spend the night.
And, I don't allow other children to spend the night here, I don't want the risk that we would be accused of doing something "weird". They prompt kids to invent such stories, I was spending the night camping and Billy's Dad got up in the middle of the night and made me uncomfortable............hey, that's all that's needed to ruin someone's life.
Also, I insist on knowing where my children are. tonight my daughter wanted to spend the night with a neighbor, I said no, because I don't know them. But she's a policewoman. so what, that doesn't mean she's above reproach. Then I found out later the other child was alone all night, her policewoman mother works nights and leaves her daughter alone. Sorry, I don't think two girls alone in the house is a responsible situation. Policewoman or not, I set the rules and limits, not the neighbors.
So, just in general, do you allow sleepovers? I think they're way too risky, you never know what could go on in someone else's house, and you're opening yourself up for false accusations if you allow sleepovers in your home. That's just my stance, I would appreciate hearing how other parents view it!
I commend you for this post...I think it's a very good topic to discuss...
Sleepovers can be a positive experience for children...but, I also believe the key word is responsible parents.
It's very good that you are involved and refuse to allow two girls alone while the parent is at work and agree with you wholeheartidly.
In my son's day, I did allow sleep overs, but knew the kids and their parents and that to is key to being a responsible parent, it to be involved and know the parents of the kids your child is frequently spending time with.
I have friends at work who closely monitor the parents of other children, by being involved in their child's social lives and getting to know the parents of those children.
Children are exactly that, children and to assume that they are responsible enough to make responsible decissions on their own behalf is not always going to be fruitful and safe.
When you speak of risk, that to, should be taken into consideration, b/c even the most well intended responsible parents might change completely if something were to happen to their child while in your care. It's a different world today...
Did you know that one of my friends at work told me, that some of their child's school friends, parents allow boys and girls sleep overs in their home? And I'm talking 10 - 15 year old kids? That they are against and I can't help but agree with.
I have never had a problem with sleep overs, but even in the most monitored situations, one can not be totally sure and secure that something might happen. Then again, on the other hand, if a parents are well acquainted with the child's parents who are having the sleep overs, and feel safe, then I don't see a problem with it.
Also, this is a personal decission which all parents have to make, we cannot all agree to feel the same way, as in everything in life, every situation is different, as is, every individual.
I suppose you have to decide which works best for you and your child...
but first and foremost, should be the child's safety and welfare, and I don't believe this police woman is thinking rationally, as there is all kinds of mischief these girls could get into without adult supervision. Peer pressure and all...plus, you never really know people. I grew up in a very trusting time period, very small town. We didn't worry about things like this, but unfortunately, today, it's a different world, and I'm thankful for the time I raised my son in...plus, my son's parents were extremely communicative with each other and always there for activities, parties, sleep overs, etc.
Perhaps it might seem paranoid to you, but they actually prompt kids to see things this way. At a school talk about "stranger danger' they specifically used the example of a sleepover, what would you do if you were at a sleepover at a friend's house and their father/brother/uncle got up in the middle of the night and did things that made you uncomfortable? Of course, a hundred hands shot up with the answer TELL SOMEBODY!
Well, that just prompts kids to do so regardless of the situation. We don't know people very well in our neighborhood, I'm not setting ourselves up for such accusations. True, when I was a kid sleepovers were common, but they weren't prompting kids to see sexual abusers in every situaiton. I can just see if my daughter got on the voleyball team and another girl didn't then she comes to our house for a sleepover, next thing you know we're being accused of doing something that made them "uncomfortable".
We live in a witchhunt society, to ignore that is not facing the reality we're in nowdays.
We've always lived in a witchhunt society and I still think that seeing things in that kind of light is being too paranoid.
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