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NOTHING is wrong with these guys. YOU did not communicate your desire to sing. STOP blaming other people for things they didn't do. No one can read your mind even if you have a guitar case.
I could have read their minds -- or at least I would have considered they might want to have their turn. I would NOT have assumed everyone wants to hear me, and not them.
Strange that this makes you so angry. But maybe you could refer to my theory, in an earlier comment, about why some people always blame the person who was disrespected.
I could have read their minds -- or at least I would have considered they might want to have their turn. I would NOT have assumed everyone wants to hear me, and not them.
Strange that this makes you so angry. But maybe you could refer to my theory, in an earlier comment, about why some people always blame the person who was disrespected.
"Everyone?"
There were 3 people there, no? And your guitar never came out of the case?
I know I am asking for it by posting about this here. I know I will advised to get professional help, right away, because there is something wrong with me. I will be told I am making a big deal out of nothing, I obviously have a severe personality disorder, etc., etc.
I know I will feel worse for posting here. But I am really angry and there is no one right now I could talk to about it.
I think I discovered one big way that people can make me angry. And this time I even expressed it, in a kind of subtle way, which maybe they didn't even notice.
I really hate being treated like I don't exist. I am quiet and not assertive, so maybe very assertive people think I want to be ignored?
This is what happened: Tonight I went to an open mic by myself, for the first time. I have been performing at open mics for a year or so, but always with someone else, never alone. In case you never heard of an open mic -- it's where anyone can come in and perform music. Usually at a library, or coffee shop, or bar.
This was a library. I had practiced A LOT over the past couple of weeks. I had 3 songs I wrote myself that I wanted to sing and play. This was a big deal to me.
Well no one showed up except me and two guys, and the person who was running it. They had not bothered to publicize it at all, so almost no one came.
But I thought, oh well, at least I will get to play my songs for the 3 of them.
The two guys who showed up I will call Ned and Ted. The guy who runs it is Fred.
We were just sitting around talking, waiting to see if anyone else would show up. Finally I said "Are we going to have the open mic anyway, even though hardly anyone is here?"
Ned decided to sing a couple songs. The same ones he sings every time, and they are long. Then Ted did a couple. Back to Ned. It went back a forth for a while. I listened politely, applauded, said "Beautiful! Did you write that?" Etc. I did what you're supposed to when others are performing.
Fred looked at me once and asked if I were going to play. I just made a "who knows?" gesture, and looked over at Ned and Ted. My guitar was right there in its case. It was no secret that I did not come just to listen.
So finally Fred starts putting on his coat, like it's time to leave. I started putting on mine. They finally asked me if I wanted to play something. I said "I did want to, but the time has passed." They said "Go ahead," and I said "No, I don't want to hold you all up" and I grabbed my guitar and walked out, fast, without saying good bye.
I didn't want to pretend I wasn't angry, and say "Good night guys, it was great listening to you!" But I didn't want to start expressing how I felt, because whatever I wanted to say would not come out nice.
So, this long story is supposed to illustrate how I personally feel about being ignored. It was even worse, because it was a waste of my time, and I was tired and had a lot of things to do. Instead I wasted 2 hours and got angry.
Is it NORMAL to feel this angry if people ignore you and forget you exist? Yeah, I know they finally remembered I was there. But for a long time they were just caught up in their little egotistical worlds.
No, this does NOT happen to me all the time. As it went on and on and on I could hardly believe it was happening.
Of course, they didn't know I had practiced like crazy for 2 weeks, or that it was important to me. But it should have been perfectly obvious I was there to play and had as much of a right to as they did.
And, of course, there are many other open mics, at other places, that do get publicized, and my practicing these songs was not wasted.
I should also mention that Fred, the guy who runs it, is over 80 years old and maybe a little out of it. Normally I would blame the person running it for not interrupting the egomaniacs who would not stop playing and give me a chance. But I can't really blame Fred because he's had strokes and might not be aware of everything all the time.
He asked you if you were going to play and you were non-commital. Why the who knows gesture, why not just say yes? He interpreted your gesture perhaps as indecision or no, and assumed the night was over. You had another opportunity when he put his coat on...instead of putting yours on you should have said "I'm going to play now, would love it if you stayed.
You sound like you have no assertiveness skills and just want others to read you and know what you want. I do not think you were ignored, I think you were in your head and personalizing everything in your head. You shrugged, he took the shrug as no or you might or might not...he invited you to play in that moment and it seems like you passed your turn by shrugging. Again why didn't you just say yes and pick up your guitar and go play?
You are welcome. I'm also an amateur musician, never wanted to be paid, just did it for the enjoyment. I've performed in church, at old age homes and hospitals, at public ceremonies, at benefits and cocktail parties, and once at Brooklyn College at a Christmas show. I'm 71 and it's been about 15 years since I performed in public, but my musical outlet for the past 5 years or so is to record music videos and put them on youtube. Sometimes I record them of myself singing and playing, mostly a friend records their parts and we combine the tracks in editing. There's not a lot of recognition but some family and friends see them and I've gotten to be a better player and there's a feeling of satisfaction in learning, performing, recording and editing a song and posting for others to see. My wife thinks they are terrible but my friend and I enjoy making them, and we usually can count on a few facebook likes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good4Nothin
Good4Nothin is a joke. It's because I stopped working full time (thank God!) and have more time for music. And we know that musicians are not productive members of society! Anyway, just kidding.
I felt very disrespected. This kind of thing does happen a lot when you're an amateur musician. Maybe professional also. We play music because that's what we love doing, but egos can't help getting involved.
It was my ego that was making me angry, and feeling disrespected. In general, I know those are dangerous feelings for me. I always struggle with it, and I think it's human nature. As someone who tries to live a spiritual life, I am very aware of this ongoing battle.
But I can't be more than human, and I can't help wanting to be respected, and appreciated. I work very hard on music. Even though it's just a fun hobby for me, I take it very seriously.
Anyway, thanks for reading my post and for contributing in a respectful way!
I could have read their minds -- or at least I would have considered they might want to have their turn. I would NOT have assumed everyone wants to hear me, and not them.
Strange that this makes you so angry. But maybe you could refer to my theory, in an earlier comment, about why some people always blame the person who was disrespected.
If you want what you want to happen, you have to communicate it like everyone else. Mind reading is not anyone's obligation. I don't think you were disrespected, that's the point.
You sound a lot like my ex, he was passive-aggressive and expected everyone to behave in a certain way, and to just know what he wanted. He was aggressive but never assertive in a normal way. We'd go to dinner and he spent the night fuming cause he didn't think his fries were done enough cause he liked them well done. Did he order them well done? NO. Did he blame the waitress for not instinctively knowing he wanted them well done? YES. He always had problems with coworkers, friends, and even strangers. I ended up being very co-dependent (like telling waitresses after he ordered that he wanted his fries well done, lest he ruin our entire evening in his head silently fuming.
He goes through life in his head looking for offenses in people, looking for reasons to be offended, looking for evidence he's being disrespected by people, and when you look for something all the time, you tend to see it all the time.
Oh, and he thinks he's the nicest guy in the world, and no one appreciates him. He thinks because he offers to help someone move, that it makes him nice, but if the helpee doesn't show appreciation in the way HE thinks they should, he gets mad. It could be weeks later, and he'll ask the guy a favor, and if the guy can't do it, he's all "I gave up my Saturday to help him move!!!!" and become instant victim. No one appreciates me, waaaaah!
All the "nice" things he does have secret IOUs attached. It sounds like because you said nice things to them, they 'should have' responded to you a certain way. You're mad they didn't model your behavior, but you didn't model theirs which is actually communicating with people.
Obviously you do better in situations where there are rules in place so you don't have to do ANYTHING but take your turn. I'm imagining what you might do in a body building contest at the end when you have to out-pose your competitors and elbow your way to the front or you won't even be seen! You would stand in the back and not even pose, pouting that no one gave you a chance! Now, now, don't worry - this is just an example - I know it doesn't relate to you in the slightest. There is always some difference that means it doesn't apply to you and your situation.
That night you had it EASY - they even asked you...there were only TWO other guys there just shooting the shte and you still wanted them to beg you to play so that you could feed on their enthusiasm. Performers PERFORM - even if the crowd isn't applauding or giving you an ovation the whole time.
And even so - it sounds like you make the rounds - that is just one crummy place...just one crummy night. How do you get through life when one experience has such a huge effect on you after having many other GOOD experiences? You should be a pro at this and you sound like a child after their first kindergarten recital....
I have no psychoanalysis to add; but I would just not play to that small an audience. Then you won't run into that trouble, hopefully. The larger, more formal set-ups take proscribed turns, as most of us have seen.
I see how you've defended your "handle" but really it kind of mocks you before you even get a post read. I saw another poster change a "put-down" handle and it's a big improvement. Names say a lot, despite what we might have "meant".
There is no reason to see a psychiatrist if you don't need medication. They are more expensive than other kinds of psychotherapists.
And no, they won't force drugs on you. But lots of patients are convinced that's what they need, because that is what most psychiatrists believe in. Patients usually trust their doctors.
Psychiatry has become drug-crazed. I know you like drugs SuzyQ but there are many reasons to be VERY wary of them.
How do you know what "most psychiatrists believe in"? Virtually all of them do psychotherapy to some degree or another. They have to.
How do you know what "most psychiatrists believe in"? Virtually all of them do psychotherapy to some degree or another. They have to.
I doubt you know what virtually all psychiatrists do.
And it depends on what you mean by psychotherapy.
Hardly anyone thinks that serious mental illness can be cured just by talking. Especially since no one knows what causes mental illness.
The goal is usually just to suppress symptoms.
People who are not mentally ill and just have normal problems they want to talk about don't usually go to psychiatrists. There is no reason to, unless you have a serious mental illness and want the symptoms suppressed with drugs.
This is all well known SuzyQ, so I don't know why you don't know it, or why you want to argue about it.
Psychiatrists don't force drugs down patients throats, but they are likely to encourage them to take drugs, since that is the main thing they can do to help anyone.
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