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Correct. It's just practicing being at ease with casual conversation, with being friendly. To some, this comes naturally. To others, it doesn't.
Yeah, and I tried to clarify that by editing my post, because the OP claims he isn't a "nervous wreck" when he asks out women but he has no success. But he still could benefit from practice with casual conversation, etc even if he doesn't get particularly nervous or shy. Especially since he does admit he has lack of confidence, which would imply that having casual conversation with a girl he's trying to date could be hard for him.
Oh no. Not at all. Especially if you're a woman. I think a woman who is slightly above average (a 6) would have 6 or 7 out of 10 men physically attracted to her at least. We're talking about pure physical attraction but nothing works without that.
For men, the numbers are lower, but still, an average looking guy should have no problems PHYSICALLY attracting many women.
The further you are away from average, the tougher it will be.
Even if 60-70% of guys think a woman is attractive, there would still be various reasons why a substantial percentage of those would not be interested in dating her.
And you admit the numbers are lower for guys seeking women to be attracted to them.
Even if 60-70% of guys think a woman is attractive, there would still be various reasons why a substantial percentage of those would not be interested in dating her.
And you admit the numbers are lower for guys seeking women to be attracted to them.
Yes. But the guys would also have to deal with various reasons outside their looks for which women would not want to date them.
So for a guy quite far from average, and having to clear both hurdles, it's quite a task.
For an average woman, those hurdles are relatively easy to clear. We're not talking about the hurdle or finding the right person to settle down with. We're talking about being able to get women attracted to you by the age of 31.
Yes. But the guys would also have to deal with various reasons outside their looks for which women would not want to date them.
So for a guy quite far from average, and having to clear both hurdles, it's quite a task.
For an average woman, those hurdles are relatively easy to clear. We're not talking about the hurdle or finding the right person to settle down with. We're talking about being able to get women attracted to you by the age of 31.
Bottom line is that it's a numbers game for the vast majority of men, not just the OP.
I am.....he's told me the best way to overcome this is to actively approach and engage women. He said we can talk about negative thoughts & limiting beliefs all we like but nothing beats the power of action. From this he said I should then look at how things go in a positive way and that any rejection is not a bad thing and that it should be looked upon as a learning experience.
Your therapist is right on the money here. It might be a bit harder for you because you're 31 years old and thus possibly more "set in your ways" than the typical 18-25 year old...but learning and adapting from your experiences is doable at any age.
I suggest lightheartedly actively engaging people in general. Other guys, women you're not attracted to, and of course those you are attracted to. You need to get comfortable and more self-confident in various casual social situations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jayhopethismeeturstandard
Yes, give up. It reliefs a lot of pressure that you place on yourself. Just be free and let what happens, happen.
This guy has a point, BrunoMars. I don't agree with literally "giving up"...but it's probably a good idea to take a step back and free your mind from focusing so much on women and sex. You may be coming across as desperate and that's not a good vibe to project. Try not to think so much about this stuff. Just get out there, do fun stuff (sports, travel, whatever your interests are), try some new things that interest you (get out of your comfort zone), and be social with all sorts of people as previously mentioned. The idea is that you need to get to a point where you're happy with yourself and enjoying life. That draws other people of both genders to you...most people want to be around those with a positive fun vibe. Someday (and yes it may take awhile due to your height and inexperience), a woman will suddenly express interest in you b/c she's digging your personality...once that happens, explore that opportunity, it might lead to dates and beyond.
I think that is what's meant by the popular quote "finding someone when you least expect it" or "finding someone when you're not really looking".
As the title suggests. 31, never had a girl friend, still a virgin.
My height (5"4) and looks probably go against me but I wouldn't say I'm completely ugly - say below average. If personality/confidence is the most important trait its maybe fair to say I'm lacking in self confidence/self-esteem but I'm not a nervous bumbling idiot. Everyone who knows me says I'm not shy and fairly outgoing. It's difficult to be super confident when you have a past with no success. I signed up for online dating yesterday - got friends to vet my profile etc.......messaged 9 women so far, 7 haven't replied.....26 have viewed my profile......nothing.
I definitly can't do anything about my height, nor much about my looks if thats the problem so I've always figured its my confidence and personality I need to work on. I'm even seeing a therapist who practises CBT to try and change any negative thinking or limiting beliefs I have. I've read up on trying to be playful/funny/cheeky/flirting etc as well.
By my counting I've asked out/fancied 38 women in my life time......they've all said no. I've only ever successfully initiated a kiss with 3 women ever, the other times its always been the women.
Millions of men meet up/hook up with women every single day - I have a friend whos slept with over 40 women, another whos had about 12 girl friends...but me, 31 and nothing? Why am I so different? I really don't believe I'm that un-desirable.....but I'm beginning to wonder. There are some tings in life people will never do - be a professional sports player, get that job they wanted, have kids......is it also true to say that plenty of people will just live live forever single? Do a google search and you'll find plenty of stuff on men in their 50's & 60's totally single.
Its crazy how uncommon this is to the point its almost laughable. Should I just give up & accept it? Anyone got any ideas or experience with/met anyone similar who's turned this around?
First off at 5'4 most women will find that height to be unattractive. You said you are below average so yes that is ugly. Personality/confidence is NOT the most important thing (Women say that to make them seem less shallow).
What you need is Status, friends as social proof , social skills, a nice hair cut and dress style. With that said, unless you are of VERY high status YOU WILL NOT get a hot girl even if you update your life. If you are a 4 in life, upgrading your life will just turn you into a 5 meaning you can only get girls that are between 3-5 in looks. Now if you were a short celeb it can turn you from a 4 to an 7-8 simply because you have crazy status women love.
First off at 5'4 most women will find that height to be unattractive. You said you are below average so yes that is ugly. Personality/confidence is NOT the most important thing (Women say that to make them seem less shallow).
What you need is Status, friends as social proof , social skills, a nice hair cut and dress style. With that said, unless you are of VERY high status YOU WILL NOT get a hot girl even if you update your life. If you are a 4 in life, upgrading your life will just turn you into a 5 meaning you can only get girls that are between 3-5 in looks. Now if you were a short celeb it can turn you from a 4 to an 7-8 simply because you have crazy status women love.
One of smartest post that I read ever. To hell with all that confidence and alpha things. It is introduced to fool females so they go with ugly man. He is ugly and have bad job but he is alpha or Seinfeld "bad boy". Good for man that is actually possible to fool females.
Your therapist is right on the money here. It might be a bit harder for you because you're 31 years old and thus possibly more "set in your ways" than the typical 18-25 year old...but learning and adapting from your experiences is doable at any age.
I suggest lightheartedly actively engaging people in general. Other guys, women you're not attracted to, and of course those you are attracted to. You need to get comfortable and more self-confident in various casual social situations.
This guy has a point, BrunoMars. I don't agree with literally "giving up"...but it's probably a good idea to take a step back and free your mind from focusing so much on women and sex. You may be coming across as desperate and that's not a good vibe to project. Try not to think so much about this stuff. Just get out there, do fun stuff (sports, travel, whatever your interests are), try some new things that interest you (get out of your comfort zone), and be social with all sorts of people as previously mentioned. The idea is that you need to get to a point where you're happy with yourself and enjoying life. That draws other people of both genders to you...most people want to be around those with a positive fun vibe. Someday (and yes it may take awhile due to your height and inexperience), a woman will suddenly express interest in you b/c she's digging your personality...once that happens, explore that opportunity, it might lead to dates and beyond.
I think that is what's meant by the popular quote "finding someone when you least expect it" or "finding someone when you're not really looking".
I agree with this guy here.
Now, I'm not ancient by any means and had my share of boyfriends along the way, but I didn't really figure things out till I was about 39 or so and wasn't in a relationship at all - for a long time.
Real life practice with people is more than just practice, it's life. Enjoy everything you can, whenever you can. The girlfriend equation is a tough nut to crack. There are women of all kinds who wish for a boyfriend as much as you wish for a girl. You just need to keep circulating and you'll probably meet one in some crazy place you weren't looking.
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