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My current girlfriend isn't someone who I just met and moved right in with. I've known her for 6 months and we became friends before we decided to get romantically involved.
The fact that within a month of your ex-fiancee's accident you were living with a new girlfriend has to look suspect to your friends. I'm sure they've seen the scenario before (like there's a good chance most people on this forum have) where a "friendship" that's forming involves a lot of deep, meaningful conversations, coffee or drinks together with just the two of them, boundaries starting to blur, some "innocent" cuddling or outings together, but only becomes officially a relationship once the "committed" one breaks it off with their previous flame. It's not cheating in a purely technical sense, but it's not exactly being honorable to the commitment one made either. Usually when something moves as quickly as what you've described, some of the groundwork was laid during the "friendship" period, and I'm guessing that's what some of the friends who will no longer speak to you are thinking.
The fact that within a month of your ex-fiancee's accident you were living with a new girlfriend has to look suspect to your friends. I'm sure they've seen the scenario before (like there's a good chance most people on this forum have) where a "friendship" that's forming involves a lot of deep, meaningful conversations, coffee or drinks together with just the two of them, boundaries starting to blur, some "innocent" cuddling or outings together, but only becomes officially a relationship once the "committed" one breaks it off with their previous flame. It's not cheating in a purely technical sense, but it's not exactly being honorable to the commitment one made either. Usually when something moves as quickly as what you've described, some of the groundwork was laid during the "friendship" period, and I'm guessing that's what some of the friends who will no longer speak to you are thinking.
My girlfriend and I kept is strictly platonic until my breakup. But yes, I suppose you could say we did lay the groundwork for what could turn into a romantic relationship. I would say a good deal of relationships start out as friendships. But it wasn't until my ex got injured/injured herself that I realized my girlfriend was someone who would support me and love me through difficult times. She knew my situation looked bad to others, regardless of what was really going on. She was very loyal to me when it seemed like everyone else in the town had made me out to be the bad guy.
My ex could never accept that I could have a female friend. She used to go crazy on me when she found out I was hanging out with her or if I was talking to her. I work with my girlfriend, so we would see each other quite a bit. But like I said, we were only friends at that time. My ex was completely irrational though. She had it in her mind that I was cheating and nothing I said would change her mind.
The fact that within a month of your ex-fiancee's accident you were living with a new girlfriend has to look suspect to your friends. I'm sure they've seen the scenario before (like there's a good chance most people on this forum have) where a "friendship" that's forming involves a lot of deep, meaningful conversations, coffee or drinks together with just the two of them, boundaries starting to blur, some "innocent" cuddling or outings together, but only becomes officially a relationship once the "committed" one breaks it off with their previous flame. It's not cheating in a purely technical sense, but it's not exactly being honorable to the commitment one made either. Usually when something moves as quickly as what you've described, some of the groundwork was laid during the "friendship" period, and I'm guessing that's what some of the friends who will no longer speak to you are thinking.
I guess this is why I'm one supporter.
I moved that fast with my BF. Our love hit us hard and fast. We worked together for over a year prior. We talked, we joked, but there was nothing between us (I was married, he was in a LTR). I never even looked at him in that way. Ever. Even after he broke up with his GF, because I was married, he never looked at me in that way. Once he found out I got divorced, only then did he get interested (I still wasn't). Not until he asked me out did the chemistry between us show itself. It was like C4. Inert until you add the detonator. And then BOOM!
I dunno. There was nothing that you listed above to describe what happened with me and my BF. Nothing at all. So I'm not sure why it has to follow that route that you're describing. If people assume that's the route it always takes, that's just sad. CD is so cynical and I'm a pessimist.
ETA: oh well, seems like OP just kinda admitted to it being like that, or could have been.
My girlfriend and I kept is strictly platonic until my breakup. But yes, I suppose you could say we did lay the groundwork for what could turn into a romantic relationship. I would say a good deal of relationships start out as friendships. But it wasn't until my ex got injured/injured herself that I realized my girlfriend was someone who would support me and love me through difficult times. She knew my situation looked bad to others, regardless of what was really going on. She was very loyal to me when it seemed like everyone else in the town had made me out to be the bad guy.
My ex could never accept that I could have a female friend. She used to go crazy on me when she found out I was hanging out with her or if I was talking to her. I work with my girlfriend, so we would see each other quite a bit. But like I said, we were only friends at that time. My ex was completely irrational though. She had it in her mind that I was cheating and nothing I said would change her mind.
And... here's another reason your friends and family are smelling something rotten. Your ex-fiancee sensed something was up... and it turns out she was right! What do you want to bet she confided in a friend or your sister before the accident that she feared you and this girl were getting too close and doing it under the guise of "friendship" (which is how most emotional affairs start, btw)? And then when you decided to hook up with the "other woman" barely a month after the accident when she'd been hospitalized and in a coma... well, there's just no way you come out of this looking good.
Might be time to start over in the friends department and next time around, think carefully about your choices.
My girlfriend and I kept is strictly platonic until my breakup. But yes, I suppose you could say we did lay the groundwork for what could turn into a romantic relationship. I would say a good deal of relationships start out as friendships. But it wasn't until my ex got injured/injured herself that I realized my girlfriend was someone who would support me and love me through difficult times. She knew my situation looked bad to others, regardless of what was really going on. She was very loyal to me when it seemed like everyone else in the town had made me out to be the bad guy.
My ex could never accept that I could have a female friend. She used to go crazy on me when she found out I was hanging out with her or if I was talking to her. I work with my girlfriend, so we would see each other quite a bit. But like I said, we were only friends at that time. My ex was completely irrational though. She had it in her mind that I was cheating and nothing I said would change her mind.
You should read this over and over.
You were having an emotional affair long before you broke up with your fiancee.
That is why you were far gone enough to desert a woman who was in a coma and became an amputee.
I'm not a pious sort. Not gonna criticize you for wanting to move on.
But, have to tell you, you chose a horrible time to bail on your ex. Other people who know you see this and are unlikely to change their opinions of you. No matter what you do.
Work on your sister. She is family.
Let the rest go and move on with your life.
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Fact is you were cheating before the accident even happened. You then deserted her when she was at her worst and her dying was a legit possibility. Her family is obviously going to side with her. But all your friends(including those you've known for 1-2 decades) and even your own sister sided with her. This isn't 1-2 people.
There's three sides to every story. You managed to continue to put your foot in your mouth numerous times and the foot keeps going in deeper and deeper. Your actions were deplorable. The very least you could have done was not cheat. Then you could have made sure she was home and getting better. No heart, no emotion, not a single bit of sympathy or empathy. All signs of sociopathic behavior.
I am certainly thankful and do enjoy being out of that relationship. However, they aren't bad friends. They have simply bought into my ex's lies. They refuse to accept that she had anything to do with the breakup. They blame me 100%, which is just wrong.
Why do they care who was at fault? What business is it of theirs?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311
This is where I am just at a loss for words. Nothing I say can make me look like I'm not the bad guy here. And this is the problem I've had with my friends. I did end it with her. She got into a car accident. I wasn't able to communicate with her because she was in an induced coma for 2 weeks and in and out of surgery for another 2 weeks.
What my friends don't understand is that my ex and I had started to grow apart a year ago. At least, I had grown apart from her. I thought getting engaged and getting married might help improve things but it just made me realize more that she wasn't right for me. But she never wanted to talk about this. She simply wanted to pretend that everything was great and that we would get married and live happily ever after.
Well, that didn't happen. I fell out of love with her, I ended it, she got injured, I met someone else and now all of my friends have deserted me. Even my younger sister has turned her back on me. But no one wants to try to see things from my point of view. My ex is the victim and I am the bad guy. My ex claims that I never broke up with her before her accident. That's what she tells everyone, but it's a lie. I told her very clearly that it's over.
Looks like you both have something in common. And you keep adding little nuances to your story to make it seem like you didn't cheat when you did do exactly that.
But yes, I suppose you could say we did lay the groundwork for what could turn into a romantic relationship.
So you had an emotional affair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311
But it wasn't until my ex got injured/injured herself that I realized my girlfriend was someone who would support me and love me through difficult times.
Unlike yourself.
The fact that you think your ex willingly got into an accident that put her in a coma and resulted in an amputation just to try to manipulate you is just rich.
Stop. The more you talk, the worse you sound. If every line you wrote was a scoop, you'd be halfway to the Earth's core by now, so far have you dug yourself into the role of cretin.
Right. So I'm not allowed to have a female friend? I had no idea that our friendship would turn into something more. We honestly started off as nothing more than friends. We never even touched until after I had broken up with my ex. That's the truth, whether you believe me or not. What was I supposed to do? Sit around the house with my ex all day and do nothing while her physical therapists worked with her.
I have a life too. I like to bike and hike and run and travel. All those things would be nearly impossible to do with my ex with her injuries. Do people honestly expect me to put my entire life on hold for someone I fell out of love with a year ago? I did the honorable thing and ended it before we got married. I'm sorry that none of you can muster the understanding to sympathize just a little with what I went through. Like everyone else, you have taken sides based not on reality but on your emotions.
But I shouldn't have expected anyone to understand. You weren't there. You didn't see what went on behind closed doors. You haven't seen my ex for who she really is. She's a liar and I tried several times to get away from her. But I always knew she would go crazy if I left. Does anyone even know how that feels?
Right. So I'm not allowed to have a female friend? I had no idea that our friendship would turn into something more. We honestly started off as nothing more than friends. We never even touched until after I had broken up with my ex. That's the truth, whether you believe me or not. What was I supposed to do? Sit around the house with my ex all day and do nothing while her physical therapists worked with her.
I have a life too. I like to bike and hike and run and travel. All those things would be nearly impossible to do with my ex with her injuries. Do people honestly expect me to put my entire life on hold for someone I fell out of love with a year ago? I did the honorable thing and ended it before we got married. I'm sorry that none of you can muster the understanding to sympathize just a little with what I went through. Like everyone else, you have taken sides based not on reality but on your emotions.
But I shouldn't have expected anyone to understand. You weren't there. You didn't see what went on behind closed doors. You haven't seen my ex for who she really is. She's a liar and I tried several times to get away from her. But I always knew she would go crazy if I left. Does anyone even know how that feels?
I'm done here. Thanks for your time.
Yes. I was married to an emotionally abusive man. That marriage was over before we split. I started seeing someone else right after we separated. So, yeah. I get that part of your tale. That is not really the issue...
You do not get it. You were a jerk.
I don't blame you for moving on. I doubt anyone does. It was your timing that was so dreadful.
If you stay with your current GF and she ever has a health problem, she may never admit it but the first thing that she will think of is whether or not you're gonna bail on her.
All you really had to do was wait until your fiancee got out of surgical danger, make sure she was ok, then find out what she needed to get set up for her care.
Remind her that even though you two broke up prior to her accident, you still care how she's doing and want to help out.
This was handled with what sounds like (as you have described it here) the LEAST amount of tact humanly possible.
You say your relationship was over long before the accident. I do not doubt you.
I don't even think you taking up with another woman was a huge deal. You and your fiancee had split, even if you had not moved out yet.
The real problem is that you behaved in a manner that is fully devoid of compassion.
That is why all your friends and even your own sister think you're a jerk.
It's not because you two split. It's because you completely turned your back on your former fiancee right there while she was in agony over losing part of a LIMB.
How can you be unable to see that?
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