Ex-fiance has turned friends/family against me... (sociopath, man, cheater)
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1. You were seeing your girlfriend for a long time. You were firmly entrenched in each other's lives, sharing friends and integrated into each other's families. You lived together.
2. A year (?) ago you started to feel like she wasn't the one. You proposed hoping that would help fix the things that bothered you. I assume the engagement was announced to all and your fears/doubts about her were not widely known.
3. While the rest of the world saw a happy couple planning their wedding, you were growing increasingly disconnected and more and more sure she was not the one. You two were fighting. She dismissed your concerns, decided it didn't matter and that y'all were getting married anyway. It sounds like she didn't take you very seriously. No one else knew any of this was going on.
4. Finally, you told her it was over and you would not be marrying her. She once agin did not take you seriously.
5. Within a day or so, before you had a chance to announce your separation to friends or move out, she had a devastating car accident.
6. She was in a coma/surgeries for 2 weeks, you were at the hospital every day.
NOW HERE IS WHERE, FOR ME, THINGS START TO GET SHADY:
7. After 2 weeks, you start quietly moving your things out of the house you share and paying 2 months advance rent. While this is going on, she's having a leg amputated???!!! And you still haven't talked to her? And her family still has no clue you had broken up, so they are thinking her faithful fiancé will help her recover when she gets home.
8. 2 weeks after this, around the time your former fiancé is coming home an empty house she didn't see coming to face a new life without a limb, you are dating and falling in love with another woman.
9. ONE MONTH LATER, your ex is now somewhere mourning the loss of her future in more ways than one, while undergoing a painful recovery alone. You have moved and are not just dating, but LIVING WITH a new woman.
Dude. I understand that emotionally, you had disconnected from her months ago. I understand that she was refusing to hear you when you said you were unhappy. I understand that you were itching to move on with your life. It sounds like you've been out of love with her for a long time, so for you this was a long time coming.
But the thing is, this was true for NO ONE BUT YOU. She did not feel that. She wasn't even truly comprehending you were really gone. I would assume once she had the accident, she would think everything would be on hold for a minute. And that wouldn't be out of the way to think actually, in times like that, typically the person with the grevious injury comes first. Besides, people break up then make up all the time. People have heartfelt conversations and come to new understandings. In her mind, she never got a chance for any of that. You took off when she had no opportunity to even talk to you about it.
And the thing is, her family and your friends certainly had no clue. What else are they supposed to think? They did not not see any of this unhappy Marcus. This woman just underwent a devastating loss and a person who was set to be her HUSBAND just up and left right at the moment she would need everyone to rally around her.
I'm not saying you owed her the rest of your life. The timing did suck. But dude, you were gone before the woman even got out of the hospital! Could you at least have told her family that you were not planning to hang around because you actually had broken up? Could you have helped her out for a few weeks or a month, while they found her a nurse or something? Could you have confided in a friend the truth, asked for advice?
I understand that you may have had some resentment built up towards her, but you handled things in an incredibly callous, self-centered and unbelievably cruel way. SHE JUST LOST A LEG. But you couldn't even give it an extra month, you saw your opportunity to run and you did. In that moment, it was all about you. You could have hung around a little while longer and gave the relationship time to end with dignity. Instead, you compounded one devastating loss with another... neither of which anyone saw coming. Jeebus.
Marcus, you should read everything in this post three or four times. Out loud if necessary. This is the reason everyone thinks you acted like a dog.
holy crap. i didn't catch this part. yeah OP you're kind of a jerk no wonder everyone is cold shouldering you
moral of the story, don't stay in an unhappy relationship
No, that's not exactly what happened. I couldn't communicate with her. She was in and out of surgery for 2 weeks. Not only was there no opportunity to discuss our relationship, it would have done no good and only made the situation worse. Are you actually suggesting I should have discussed our relationship while she's lying in a hospital bed after being in a traumatic car accident? Nothing I could have said to her would have made it better.
No, that's not exactly what happened. I couldn't communicate with her. She was in and out of surgery for 2 weeks. Not only was there no opportunity to discuss our relationship, it would have done no good and only made the situation worse. Are you actually suggesting I should have discussed our relationship while she's lying in a hospital bed after being in a traumatic car accident? Nothing I could have said to her would have made it better.
no, i'm suggesting you should have broken up with her months ago. by waiting, you pretty much eff'ed yourself
and of course no one really cares about that because bad fortune eff'ed your ex much, much worse
there was little that you could do to make things right by the time of the accident, although waiting a while longer probably would have been the least of all evils here
Yes, this is all true. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts.
Something I want to comment on that I haven't mentioned before and this has to do with number 5 on the above list. In the past, when I have discussed breaking up with my ex, things did not go well at all. She has always been very unstable when it's come to me and our relationship. On two previous occasions when I mentioned breaking up she threatened to harm herself and got violent with me(throwing shoes, books etc.)
The night of her accident was the night I finally said it was over. She accused me of being involved with someone else and threatened to harm herself. Part of me thinks she purposely wrecked her car to prevent me from leaving her. In fact, I'm almost sure of it. This is not something I can discuss with her family and my friends simply don't believe it. My sister, who has grown quite close to my ex over the years simply refuses to believe that my ex would ever do something like that.
Okay, NOW this finally is starting to make sense. You should have lead with this LOL.
If what you are saying is true, basically you were in an abusive relationship. That would explain the resentment that would allow you to bolt when you did. You must have felt trapped, and that was your opportunity to run. I apologize for being so harsh.
Is there anyone who might listen if you tell them the whole story? Your ex needs help. If she really hurt herself on purpose, that is a very serious thing. The next time she might hurt herself worse, or hurt someone else. I'm not kidding. She may have taken a very big step here in terms of following through on threats. I doubt you will be believed at this point but perhaps you should try.
I still think you should have handled things differently, beginning with telling her family the truth about the status of your relationship and your suspicions concerning the accident, while she was still in the hospital. But right now, that woman needs help and I think you have to at least try to let someone know.
no, i'm suggesting you should have broken up with her months ago. by waiting, you pretty much eff'ed yourself
There was never going to be a good time to break up with her. Regardless of when or how I did it, there was certainly going to be major drama to follow. And I knew this better than anyone. That's why no one wants to try to see things my way. No one knew my ex like I did. She wasn't the victim like she wants everyone to believe.
Okay, NOW this finally is starting to make sense. You should have lead with this LOL.
If what you are saying is true, basically you were in an abusive relationship. That would explain the resentment that would allow you to bolt when you did. You must have felt trapped, and that was your opportunity to run. I apologize for being so harsh.
Is there anyone who might listen if you tell them the whole story? Your ex needs help. If she really hurt herself on purpose, that is a very serious thing. The next time she might hurt herself worse, or hurt someone else. I'm not kidding. She may have taken a very big step here in terms of following through on threats. I doubt you will be believed at this point but perhaps you should try.
I still think you should have handled things differently, beginning with telling her family the truth free the accident, while she was still in the hospital. But right now, that woman needs help and I think you have to at least try to let someone know.
Well, so far no one has wanted to listen to me. What has made the situation more complicated is that my current girlfriend knew my ex. I guess I haven't been totally forthcoming about that. I was never, at any time, romantic with my current girlfriend before I broke up with my ex though. I've known my current girlfriend through work for about 6 months. But my ex was certain that I was cheating on her and has told everyone that I was cheating on her. So that's where this situation becomes hard to manage.
You have made some terrible decisions. You have let down people who have been in your life a long time. You were too impatient to be a decent human being and wait until the timing was better to MOVE in with a new girl. That you knew 6 months before....
I suggest moving to a different town, I really don't see how you can repair this as you are so blinded by what "you" want.
The fact all your friends and family are siding with her really leads me to believe you are not innocent in all this. And she is not as crazy as you are making her out to be.
There was never going to be a good time to break up with her. Regardless of when or how I did it, there was certainly going to be major drama to follow. And I knew this better than anyone. That's why no one wants to try to see things my way. No one knew my ex like I did. She wasn't the victim like she wants everyone to believe.
you said (literally) that it had been over a long time. if you hadn't proposed to her and lived with her for a year or whatever then i'm sure people would be much more sympathetic to you
i'm not saying it would have been easy or pleasant then, just much better. and of course less time means less chance of something crazy happening
i'm also not saying you're some terrible irredeemably bad person but you need to try to get something positive out of this. the lesson to not let a bad relationship linger is one possible positive. also the lesson to not do things on the sly (moving your stuff out while she was in hospital without telling her or others) if you aren't prepared for the consequences
i can relate to your story a little bit. i had a crazy ex-fiance once. when i realized just how crazy she was i moved her stuff out of my apartment into her old place one day while she was at work. i was concerned something insane would happen if i let things linger or tried to discuss things further
this story is like a worst case parallel universe version of what might have happened. i'm sorry if your ex is even crazier than mine
as time goes on, your sister (and other family / very close friends) will get over this because of how deep your ties are and the fact they won't have much reason to associate with the ex. you're probably SOL on the acquaintances
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