Ex-fiance has turned friends/family against me... (lover, cheating, separation)
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Kitkat, you've made quite a few assumptions about me. And I can see it's colored your opinion of me. I want to make it clear that for the first 2 weeks my ex was in the hospital, I was there everyday. Even though I had broken up with her, I came to the hospital everyday to see her. I didn't need to do that. We were over.
Also, I didn't start seeing this new girl until almost a month after I had broken up with my ex. I'd say that's a pretty good wait. Of course my ex tells everyone that we weren't broken up while she was in the hospital and therefore I was cheating. But, as I've pointed out, this isn't true.
When my ex got out of the hospital, she thought I was going to take care of her. We were living together before her accident. While she was in the hospital I was slowly packing my things but hadn't moved out yet. So everyone thought that when she got released I would be there to help her adjust to her injuries. She had lost some movement in her right side and part of her lower right leg had to be amputated. And I was supposed to live with her and take care of her even after we were broken up? That's ridiculous. But of course, once again, I'm the bad guy for moving out and trying to move on with my life.
What was I supposed to do? Stay there, take care of her while also having a full time job to commute to every day? Our relationship was over. She couldn't accept this, but the fact is, it was over and I had moved on. And my friends won't even take my calls. My sister thinks I'm some lowlife. All because my ex had painted me as a shallow cheater who left her when things got tough. But that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I had a very lengthy response that somehow was deleted (stupid Windows 8 - I hate you).
Basically, YES, you should have taken care of your former fiancé after she got out of the hospital, even if it meant taking Family Medical Leave or unpaid time from your job. I'm not saying that you should marry her but you loved her enough to live with her and it is your responsibility to help her when she needed help the most. Maybe, just for the first two weeks or until other help could be arranged or maybe for longer would be what most former fiancés/lovers/good friends would do. But moving out while she was in a coma and recovering from surgery? I'm surprised that anyone, including your mother' is still talking to you.
Shame on you. Your sister is right, you are a lowlife.
Also, I didn't start seeing this new girl until almost a month after I had broken up with my ex. I'd say that's a pretty good wait. Of course my ex tells everyone that we weren't broken up while she was in the hospital and therefore I was cheating. But, as I've pointed out, this isn't true.
When my ex got out of the hospital, she thought I was going to take care of her. We were living together before her accident. While she was in the hospital I was slowly packing my things but hadn't moved out yet. So everyone thought that when she got released I would be there to help her adjust to her injuries. She had lost some movement in her right side and part of her lower right leg had to be amputated. And I was supposed to live with her and take care of her even after we were broken up? That's ridiculous. But of course, once again, I'm the bad guy for moving out and trying to move on with my life.
What was I supposed to do? Stay there, take care of her while also having a full time job to commute to every day? Our relationship was over. She couldn't accept this, but the fact is, it was over and I had moved on. And my friends won't even take my calls. My sister thinks I'm some lowlife. All because my ex had painted me as a shallow cheater who left her when things got tough. But that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I'm not assuming anything, just going off what you wrote. If you had been with this girl long enough that you lived with her and were engaged to her, then you really owed it to her to stick around for a bit until she was back on her feet. After all, you were still living with her at the time of the accident. IF you had broken up with her and then moved out that same day, you wouldn't be in this position. But clearly, you guys were still immeshed, and it would've been better to be supportive as a friend than pack up your things while she was in the hospital, then start dating someone new like you couldn't wait to unzip your pants. It would've been a small sacrifice to you to wait 2-3 months until she was back on her feet. You could've quietly reminded her things were over, but stuck around to help her get used to life after the injury. You could've quietly broken the bad news to family and friends while saying you were going to be living together for a little while longer to help her through this. Instead, you chose that getting a new girlfriend really fast was more important than helping the woman you were once engaged to who you were still living with at the point she was in a horrible accident get used to life as an amputee. Yes, your sister has pegged you dead on. If you want friends and family to think better of you, you have to actually be better.
Since this is still fairly recent and your former fiancé probably still needs extra help maybe you could still step up a little. Not to salvage your relationship with your family/friends but because it is the right thing to do.
Perhaps, go to her and admit, "I was a jerk. I was wrong. I am ashamed of my behavior."
"You are a wonderful human being and I still care for you as a friend. What can I do to help you right now?" and have some suggestions, buying her groceries & preparing a healthy dinner certain nights a week (and also handling all of the clean-up), taking her to doctor's appointments or therapy, picking up her prescriptions, doing something with your specific skill set (car repairs, lawn mowing, computer work, etc). And, not just once or twice, a good loving friend would do this for weeks or several months.
Did you moving out force her to pay the rent all by herself? You definitely owe her at least four or five months rent (if you have a joint lease, probably your share of the rent until the lease runs out).
BTW, don't "rub her nose in your ****" by mentioning or bringing along your new girlfriend. That would be grossly inappropriate.
Perhaps, talk to your priest, minister, or other religious advisor to get a better perspective on this situation.
You acted VERY BADLY, perhaps you can get over the shame by manning up and doing the right thing, even though it is late.
Please post back with what you are doing to help your former fiancé, the former love of your life.
Instead, you chose that getting a new girlfriend really fast was more important than helping the woman you were once engaged to who you were still living with at the point she was in a horrible accident get used to life as an amputee. Yes, your sister has pegged you dead on. If you want friends and family to think better of you, you have to actually be better.
I think what people are not understanding is that I had been growing apart from my ex for a year. I had very little feelings left for her. She was the one holding the relationship together. She would constantly guilt me into staying. I can't live my life based on someone else's delusions.
You know, when you meet someone and you click, you don't really choose that. It just happens. When I met my current girlfriend we just immediately hit it off, we are very compatible. It's not like I raced out there and grabbed the first woman I could find. Don't you understand that?
Why do I have to suffer financially and put my life on hold to take care of a woman who I am no longer attached to? I'm not related to her, I don't owe her anything. Why do I have to take care of her after we broke up? That makes no sense to me.
Besides, I wouldn't even know what to do. I work at a desk for a living, I don't know the first thing about taking care of someone with those type of severe injuries. Nor do I have any desire to take care of someone I neither love nor have any obligation to. People are supposed to move on after a break up. Why is it different for me just because my ex was injured?
You were still living with her at the time of the accident- it doesn't "really" matter that you broke up before the accident. There are certain gestures of kindness and respect you owe a relationship even if it is over.
You broke this code. You had asked her to marry you at one point and were still engaged a few weeks before the accident. Even if you were broke up you should have helped her adjust during this time instead of going out looking for a new relationship.
I think what people are not understanding is that I had been growing apart from my ex for a year. I had very little feelings left for her. She was the one holding the relationship together. She would constantly guilt me into staying. I can't live my life based on someone else's delusions.
You know, when you meet someone and you click, you don't really choose that. It just happens. When I met my current girlfriend we just immediately hit it off, we are very compatible. It's not like I raced out there and grabbed the first woman I could find. Don't you understand that?
Why do I have to suffer financially and put my life on hold to take care of a woman who I am no longer attached to? I'm not related to her, I don't owe her anything. Why do I have to take care of her after we broke up? That makes no sense to me.
Besides, I wouldn't even know what to do. I work at a desk for a living, I don't know the first thing about taking care of someone with those type of severe injuries. Nor do I have any desire to take care of someone I neither love nor have any obligation to. People are supposed to move on after a break up. Why is it different for me just because my ex was injured?
You just don't get it. I think you deserve all the backlash you are getting.
I think what people are not understanding is that I had been growing apart from my ex for a year. I had very little feelings left for her. She was the one holding the relationship together. She would constantly guilt me into staying. I can't live my life based on someone else's delusions.
You know, when you meet someone and you click, you don't really choose that. It just happens. When I met my current girlfriend we just immediately hit it off, we are very compatible. It's not like I raced out there and grabbed the first woman I could find. Don't you understand that?
Why do I have to suffer financially and put my life on hold to take care of a woman who I am no longer attached to? I'm not related to her, I don't owe her anything. Why do I have to take care of her after we broke up? That makes no sense to me.
Besides, I wouldn't even know what to do. I work at a desk for a living, I don't know the first thing about taking care of someone with those type of severe injuries. Nor do I have any desire to take care of someone I neither love nor have any obligation to. People are supposed to move on after a break up. Why is it different for me just because my ex was injured?
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Since this is still fairly recent and your former fiancé probably still needs extra help maybe you could still step up a little. Not to salvage your relationship with your family/friends but because it is the right thing to do.
Perhaps, go to her and admit, "I was a jerk. I was wrong. I am ashamed of my behavior."
"You are a wonderful human being and I still care for you as a friend. What can I do to help you right now?" and have some suggestions, buying her groceries & preparing a healthy dinner certain nights a week (and also handling all of the clean-up), taking her to doctor's appointments or therapy, picking up her prescriptions, doing something with your specific skill set (car repairs, lawn mowing, computer work, etc). And, not just once or twice, a good loving friend would do this for weeks or several months.
Did you moving out force her to pay the rent all by herself? You definitely owe her at least four or five months rent (if you have a joint lease, probably your share of the rent until the lease runs out).
BTW, don't "rub her nose in your ****" by mentioning or bringing along your new girlfriend. That would be grossly inappropriate.
Perhaps, talk to your priest, minister, or other religious advisor to get a better perspective on this situation.
You acted VERY BADLY, perhaps you can get over the shame by manning up and doing the right thing, even though it is late.
Please post back with what you are doing to help your former fiancé, the former love of your life.
I have listed a number of things that you can do, grocery shop, make meals, run errands ---- you don't have to act like a registered nurse.
What about the rent? Who is paying it? At the very, very, very least you are responsible for your share until she gets a roommate or the lease runs out (just like if you walked out on a male room mate).
You are missing the point. You were NOT broken up with her at the time of her accident. You were living together, and yes that means that you do have responsibility towards her.
Heck, IMHO, even if you had already moved out just before her serious accident, she was the "love of your life", your former fiancé and you would still want to helpful & caring & giving to her. She wasn't a "one night stand" who had a car accident six hours after you met her, she was your lover and friend and fiancé and room mate for months (if not years). She is not someone who you had coffee with one time, or you chatted with during a long bus ride, she isn't even someone who you picked up in a bar and slept with once. She is your former fiancé. You DO "owe" it to her.
Since this is still fairly recent and your former fiancé probably still needs extra help maybe you could still step up a little. Not to salvage your relationship with your family/friends but because it is the right thing to do.
Perhaps, go to her and admit, "I was a jerk. I was wrong. I am ashamed of my behavior."
"You are a wonderful human being and I still care for you as a friend. What can I do to help you right now?" and have some suggestions, buying her groceries & preparing a healthy dinner certain nights a week (and also handling all of the clean-up), taking her to doctor's appointments or therapy, picking up her prescriptions, doing something with your specific skill set (car repairs, lawn mowing, computer work, etc). And, not just once or twice, a good loving friend would do this for weeks or several months.
Did you moving out force her to pay the rent all by herself? You definitely owe her at least four or five months rent (if you have a joint lease, probably your share of the rent until the lease runs out).
BTW, don't "rub her nose in your ****" by mentioning or bringing along your new girlfriend. That would be grossly inappropriate.
Perhaps, talk to your priest, minister, or other religious advisor to get a better perspective on this situation.
You acted VERY BADLY, perhaps you can get over the shame by manning up and doing the right thing, even though it is late.
Please post back with what you are doing to help your former fiancé, the former love of your life.
Well, first, I doubt she would want to see me at this point. With all the hateful things she's been telling my friends and sister, I doubt she would want me around. Second, you want me to admit I was a jerk? For doing what? Breaking up with someone and then moving on with my life? Yes, it was under very difficult circumstances, the timing was bad. But I need to move on. Is it really healthy to continue going back to a person you broke up with?
I paid for an entire months rent when I moved out and an extra month just to help her out. I'm not going to continue paying several months for a house I don't even live in. That makes no sense. Especially when the lease is up in 4 months. She would be much better off living at her mom's house anyway instead of by herself.
At this point there are way too many bad feelings between my ex and I. Getting back together in any capacity would not work. I happen to side with my current girlfriend on this one. People have to move on as difficult as that can be. But the circumstances under which everything took place have really made me out to look bad.
But, like my ex, I am a victim of circumstances as well. Nobody wants to see that, though. I think a lot of my friends just need some cooling off. It's been quite the drama with everything that's been going on with my ex. My sister still will not talk to me, neither will my long time friends who knew me before my ex. My parents understand what happened and don't blame me at all. They understand that it was just bad timing for everyone.
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