Ex-fiance has turned friends/family against me... (love, husband, advice)
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I'm sorry but this may be a situation that comes back to bite you years if not even decades later.
Unless, you live in a very large town and no one at your current job had ever met your fiancé, I'm surprised that your coworkers and bosses are still talking to you.
I'm sure that you would disagree but I'm pretty sure that the behavior that you exhibited (moving out while your lover/room mate/fiancé was in a coma) would easily effect your job evaluations. If you lived in a small town Your bosses would assume that they had misjudged you and if you could treat your former fiancé that way you are not to be trusted. everyone would remember what you did for years and it probably would ruin your "good" name.
I do live in a relatively small town(10k people.) Well, I did until I moved into the city about a month ago. The opinions in my town are mixed. Everyone knows what happened because her car accident happened in the town. Some people blame me for the accident because it happened right after I broke up with her. Some people understand that it wasn't my fault, none of it. Relationships go bad, it's just the way of the world. But people get caught up in the drama and can't see the forest for the trees. The circumstances surrounding our breakup are most unfortunate and people tend to want to place blame because it helps them cope and make sense out of it.
Well, the problem is, my ex had lied and painted my actions as heinous. It has been incredibly hard for me to not only transition out of a long term relationship but also lose so many friendships in the process of this breakup. As I said earlier, even my younger sister refuses to talk to me. I think my friends have gotten wrapped up in the emotions of the situation. They see me as abandoning her at the worst possible time. But, when a romantic relationship has run its course, it's run its course. It was over, it had been over for quite some time.
I'm glad my friends and sister have remained loyal to my ex. She needs them right now. But that doesn't mean they have to turn their backs on me at the same time. Some of these friends I've known since high school. I don't know. If I can't convey the situation to people on a message board, I'll never be able to get through to my friends.
people aren't idiots and they know a scorned fiance might not be the most impartial storyteller. plus, close friends or family will be on your side even if they feel you did something wrong. i remember one LTR dumped me rather heinously, and her mother even called me to apologize. but of course (and rightfully so) the mom still supported her daughter, because that's what people do
of course it's possible everyone has the wool over their eyes, but it just seems like something else must be going on besides you being the victim of a smear campaign. are you sure these people really are against you, and it's not in your head? are you sure your behavior really was as respectable as you think?
Sometimes you check out of a LTR months before you end it. It may seem your moving on quickly, but in reality, you moved on months ago.
This is true, but then you don't get to use that as an excuse to be less than genuine with the person you're in the relationship with. If he had ended it months before, he wouldn't be in this position. Even if he had moved out the same day he broke up with his GF, he wouldn't be in this position.
OP needs to grow up and stop blaming everyone else for his bad decisions. The fact that every one of his friends, even ones who knew him long before his ex, and his own sister all think he's being a jerk and won't speak to him is more telling than any opinions any of us could have here.
Well, the problem is, my ex had lied and painted my actions as heinous. It has been incredibly hard for me to not only transition out of a long term relationship but also lose so many friendships in the process of this breakup. As I said earlier, even my younger sister refuses to talk to me. I think my friends have gotten wrapped up in the emotions of the situation. They see me as abandoning her at the worst possible time. But, when a romantic relationship has run its course, it's run its course. It was over, it had been over for quite some time.
I'm glad my friends and sister have remained loyal to my ex. She needs them right now. But that doesn't mean they have to turn their backs on me at the same time. Some of these friends I've known since high school. I don't know. If I can't convey the situation to people on a message board, I'll never be able to get through to my friends.
Your ex didn't have to lie (if she even did.) The situation as you describe it yourself makes your actions look heinous. Your friends are seeing it for what it is. You are in denial and lying to yourself because it's easier to be defensive than to take an honest look in the mirror and admit you did the wrong thing. They are turning their backs on you because you have done such a terrible thing. I don't know another way to say that to you more plainly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcus311
Relationships go bad, it's just the way of the world. But people get caught up in the drama and can't see the forest for the trees. The circumstances surrounding our breakup are most unfortunate and people tend to want to place blame because it helps them cope and make sense out of it.
Relationships go bad, but people manage to do the right thing all the time. Just not you. Mothers and fathers learn to work together after a divorce to be good co-parents for their children. Ex-girlfriends don't bring the new guy around to rub it in the face of the old guy. Ex-boyfriends let the girl keep the pet they adopted together. People politely go on with their lives, but with the understanding that as much work that went into getting tangled up, it's going to take that much to get it untangled neatly. And if a horrible thing happens to the person in the midst of that, they at least as a friend don't bail when they're needed most. Because what is asking you to hold off dating someone new for a month or two while she's learning to live as an amputee? If you can't see what a tiny thing that is for you and what a life-changing horror it is for her, then you honestly may be too selfish to be in a relationship with anyone.
This is true, but then you don't get to use that as an excuse to be less than genuine with the person you're in the relationship with. If he had ended it months before, he wouldn't be in this position. Even if he had moved out the same day he broke up with his GF, he wouldn't be in this position.
OP needs to grow up and stop blaming everyone else for his bad decisions. The fact that every one of his friends, even ones who knew him long before his ex, and his own sister all think he's being a jerk and won't speak to him is more telling than any opinions any of us could have here.
There are some factors that have influenced my friendships. I no longer live in the town where they do. So I don't see them very often, at all really. That, coupled with the fact that they won't answer my calls, text messages or facebook messages has made it very difficult to hash this out. I would travel back there if my friends would see me, but they won't. So why bother?
Another factor is that my ex has been spreading lies about me. This may seem insignificant, but in a small town, lies can be very damaging. Also, the fact that I'm living with my new girlfriend has further made people think that I cheated because I moved in so quickly. But I moved in because it makes financial sense for both of us. Plus we love each other.
I'm thinking of sending out a mass email to really explain everything to my friends and sister. Hopefully they read it and don't just delete it. Hopefully this can get some real communication going so that people can finally see that I'm not the bad guy and my ex has been lying about me.
There are some factors that have influenced my friendships. I no longer live in the town where they do. So I don't see them very often, at all really. That, coupled with the fact that they won't answer my calls, text messages or facebook messages has made it very difficult to hash this out. I would travel back there if my friends would see me, but they won't. So why bother?
Another factor is that my ex has been spreading lies about me. This may seem insignificant, but in a small town, lies can be very damaging. Also, the fact that I'm living with my new girlfriend has further made people think that I cheated because I moved in so quickly. But I moved in because it makes financial sense for both of us. Plus we love each other.
I'm thinking of sending out a mass email to really explain everything to my friends and sister. Hopefully they read it and don't just delete it. Hopefully this can get some real communication going so that people can finally see that I'm not the bad guy and my ex has been lying about me.
You are digging the hole deeper and deeper. Two months ago you broke up with your fiancee, which she hadn't acknowledged or accepted. You were still living in the same home with her, while she lay comatose in a hospital and having a partial leg amputation, yet you're able to go out, find someone else and claim you're "in love" and already living together?
You are digging the hole deeper and deeper. Two months ago you broke up with your fiancee, which she hadn't acknowledged or accepted. You were still living in the same home with her, while she lay comatose in a hospital and having a partial leg amputation, yet you're able to go out, find someone else and claim you're "in love" and already living together?
It's not like I just ran right out and found somebody else and shacked up with them. Not at all. I haven't revealed all the details but I didn't start dating my current gf until after I broke up with my ex. I did however know my current gf before I broke up with my ex. I've known her for almost 6 months, in fact. I'm telling you this because you're under the impression that I just ran right out and found somebody else. And that's just not the case.
It's not like I just ran right out and found somebody else and shacked up with them. Not at all. I haven't revealed all the details but I didn't start dating my current gf until after I broke up with my ex. I did however know my current gf before I broke up with my ex. I've known her for almost 6 months, in fact. I'm telling you this because you're under the impression that I just ran right out and found somebody else. And that's just not the case.
How did you know her?
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1. You were seeing your girlfriend for a long time. You were firmly entrenched in each other's lives, sharing friends and integrated into each other's families. You lived together.
2. A year (?) ago you started to feel like she wasn't the one. You proposed hoping that would help fix the things that bothered you. I assume the engagement was announced to all and your fears/doubts about her were not widely known.
3. While the rest of the world saw a happy couple planning their wedding, you were growing increasingly disconnected and more and more sure she was not the one. You two were fighting. She dismissed your concerns, decided it didn't matter and that y'all were getting married anyway. It sounds like she didn't take you very seriously. No one else knew any of this was going on.
4. Finally, you told her it was over and you would not be marrying her. She once agin did not take you seriously.
5. Within a day or so, before you had a chance to announce your separation to friends or move out, she had a devastating car accident.
6. She was in a coma/surgeries for 2 weeks, you were at the hospital every day.
NOW HERE IS WHERE, FOR ME, THINGS START TO GET SHADY:
7. After 2 weeks, you start quietly moving your things out of the house you share and paying 2 months advance rent. While this is going on, she's having a leg amputated???!!! And you still haven't talked to her? And her family still has no clue you had broken up, so they are thinking her faithful fiancé will help her recover when she gets home.
8. 2 weeks after this, around the time your former fiancé is coming home an empty house she didn't see coming to face a new life without a limb, you are dating and falling in love with another woman.
9. ONE MONTH LATER, your ex is now somewhere mourning the loss of her future in more ways than one, while undergoing a painful recovery alone. You have moved and are not just dating, but LIVING WITH a new woman.
Dude. I understand that emotionally, you had disconnected from her months ago. I understand that she was refusing to hear you when you said you were unhappy. I understand that you were itching to move on with your life. It sounds like you've been out of love with her for a long time, so for you this was a long time coming.
But the thing is, this was true for NO ONE BUT YOU. She did not feel that. She wasn't even truly comprehending you were really gone. I would assume once she had the accident, she would think everything would be on hold for a minute. And that wouldn't be out of the way to think actually, in times like that, typically the person with the grevious injury comes first. Besides, people break up then make up all the time. People have heartfelt conversations and come to new understandings. In her mind, she never got a chance for any of that. You took off when she had no opportunity to even talk to you about it.
And the thing is, her family and your friends certainly had no clue. What else are they supposed to think? They did not not see any of this unhappy Marcus. This woman just underwent a devastating loss and a person who was set to be her HUSBAND just up and left right at the moment she would need everyone to rally around her.
I'm not saying you owed her the rest of your life. The timing did suck. But dude, you were gone before the woman even got out of the hospital! Could you at least have told her family that you were not planning to hang around because you actually had broken up? Could you have helped her out for a few weeks or a month, while they found her a nurse or something? Could you have confided in a friend the truth, asked for advice?
I understand that you may have had some resentment built up towards her, but you handled things in an incredibly callous, self-centered and unbelievably cruel way. SHE JUST LOST A LEG. But you couldn't even give it an extra month, you saw your opportunity to run and you did. In that moment, it was all about you. You could have hung around a little while longer and gave the relationship time to end with dignity. Instead, you compounded one devastating loss with another... neither of which anyone saw coming. Jeebus.
1. You were seeing your girlfriend for a long time. You were firmly entrenched in each other's lives, sharing friends and integrated into each other's families. You lived together.
2. A year (?) ago you started to feel like she wasn't the one. You proposed hoping that would help fix the things that bothered you. I assume the engagement was announced to all and your fears/doubts about her were not widely known.
3. While the rest of the world saw a happy couple planning their wedding, you were growing increasingly disconnected and more and more sure she was not the one. You two were fighting. She dismissed your concerns, decided it didn't matter and that y'all were getting married anyway. It sounds like she didn't take you very seriously. No one else knew any of this was going on.
4. Finally, you told her it was over and you would not be marrying her. She once agin did not take you seriously.
5. Within a day or so, before you had a chance to announce your separation to friends or move out, she had a devastating car accident.
6. She was in a coma/surgeries for 2 weeks, you were at the hospital every day.
NOW HERE IS WHERE, FOR ME, THINGS START TO GET SHADY:
7. After 2 weeks, you start quietly moving your things out of the house you share and paying 2 months advance rent. While this is going on, she's having a leg amputated???!!! And you still haven't talked to her? And her family still has no clue you had broken up, so they are thinking her faithful fiancé will help her recover when she gets home.
8. 2 weeks after this, around the time your former fiancé is coming home an empty house she didn't see coming to face a new life without a limb, you are dating and falling in love with another woman.
9. ONE MONTH LATER, your ex is now somewhere mourning the loss of her future in more ways than one, while undergoing a painful recovery alone. You have moved and are not just dating, but LIVING WITH a new woman.
Yes, this is all true. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts.
Something I want to comment on that I haven't mentioned before and this has to do with number 5 on the above list. In the past, when I have discussed breaking up with my ex, things did not go well at all. She has always been very unstable when it's come to me and our relationship. On two previous occasions when I mentioned breaking up she threatened to harm herself and got violent with me(throwing shoes, books etc.)
The night of her accident was the night I finally said it was over. She accused me of being involved with someone else and threatened to harm herself. Part of me thinks she purposely wrecked her car to prevent me from leaving her. In fact, I'm almost sure of it. This is not something I can discuss with her family and my friends simply don't believe it. My sister, who has grown quite close to my ex over the years simply refuses to believe that my ex would ever do something like that.
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