Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hey, complete and total honesty here. I don't want to grow old alone. I can and will appreciate the love of a good man more than I ever will the temporary things in my life (career, travel, money, etc.).
But, as I've mentioned in other posts, women are scorned/looked down upon for admitting that they want this. I mean, how DARE we expect a lifetime commitment? Don't we realize how unutterably passe that is in the 21st century? We're supposed to "put out" like sex is some sort of after-dinner mint and be grateful that a man is interested enough in us to deem us worthy of a roll in the sack, and just "get over it" when the nice guys don't call back, because, hey, we're strong and independent, and we don't really need the L-word.
Yeah, I call b.s. too.
I think a lot of men want a life time commitment but don't want to sign a marriage license because it could leave them destitute AND alone in the future. Being alone is more palitable if I have 100k in the bank then if I'm living hand to mouth trying to date while paying out the rear for a divorce. Especially since I'm just average in appearance as well.
Guys here who have said, don't fool yourselves into thinking you don't need love...I don't think any of us mature women are thinking that at all.
I think the women who stated their experience, that the available dateable men have no desire to create committed real relationships, and in short are reliving the flings of their earlier years...I think they are correct - there are a few women who this works out great for. They are all for having a meaningless fling, and are pretty much having as much fun as the guys are with it...well, that doesn't work for everyone.
It can be a little depressing knowing that I, and other women like me, with kids, are already lumped into an undateable catagory.
Its better for me to -as they say - suck it up and just come to terms with the fact that I'm in that catagory. Sure I'd like to have love, and companionship, and heck, while I'm at it, a dad for my kids...but, I know that getting to that place is almost impossible for me. Its a lot better NOT to even entertain the idea, and just keep my singleness as a refuge, focusing on priorities, and making my life better.
Besides, as its been said, people tend to find whatever person is at their level. Unconsciously we draw to us whatever we feel we deserve, or something like that...obviously, the way I feel right now, I'm NOT going to do any dating. I would probably just attract exactly the kind of unhealthy person I want to avoid...but at least I've read a lot of psychology and self help books...my half price books store loves me.
So what you are saying is, you made a poor choice of a husband. no need to put younger women off of marriage due to your bad experience. i dont think the OP wants a husband for the sake of security since she didn't say that.
Well, yeah I made a poor choice. But the OP wasn't asking if I thought SHE should be worried about marriage, she asked if I ("single ladies are you worried...") was worried about not finding someone to eventually settle down with. I am not worried about it and I explained why. And for the record, I also said marriage isn't bad for everyone... it was just bad for me.
As far as security is concerned, that was another post I was responding to and I quoted it for clarity.
I can tell you from my experience that living in a relationship where she want;s my income but does not want to be with me, still in the same house is insane.
Living with some one and still be alone is maddening ,
so in reality ,
actually being alone is more sane.
From the many women I have met through the years ,their reasons for leaving their husbands are not justified.
Only a rare few actually had an abusive situation, but even those know they invited most of the problem.
Unwise about the issues to fight over.
Hind sight is 20/20.
It seems that women in general are not aging with wisdom any more , it seems that they are so busy taking notes form one another the "dumb" keeps getting reused over and over.
Did you ever see the movie "He's just not that into you". The fantasy never stops.
Some advise ,not that any one listens,
Be honest about your self .
Wear what you wear all the time, be the same person you are at work,and in public, and at home , If you can't be, there is a problem.
Putting on airs or pretending to be some one else you are not, only creates more problems. lies .
If you catch him in a lie, expose it, and set your standards you live by.
If you continually catch lies ,that's not a house hold you need to bring up children in . (unless you are Muslim, According to sources)
Feel free to ignore, most do.
You never really forget how that feeling of betrayal felt, and after a while you do just get used to taking care of yourself and doing your own thing. For people like me, who haven't experienced any of that, I find it hard to get a woman who has felt that pain to let her guard down and be comfortable with me. They are good about saying it, but they aren't good about showing it. It's easier to be walled up and secure in themselves than tear down the walls to take the chance that someone else will hurt them again.
It's like this: some people are innately hopeful. You can't keep 'em down, and if you do, it's not for long. I have been betrayed before. I've been married before. If I projected any residual insecurities or fears on every man I met, I may as well just check out of the relationship game and make the conscious decision to live alone, like a hermit. But I understand that my marriage failed for a very unique reason, and the chances of that happening again are almost nil.
But there are people like you describe who lose hope. They never recover after a break-up or divorce. They essentially refuse to trust again. I suspect a lot of these people get broken in childhood -- their parents went through a particularly horrific divorce, or even worse, their parents stayed together when they shouldn't have. This absence of hope is a personality trait, and it's so deeply engrained, I'm not sure that it's even fixable.
Hey, I was never a part of that type of "feminism". I believe in equal pay for equal work. I believe that women should consider nontraditional career opportunities, if that's what floats their boat. But to my mind, a certain generation carried feminism way too far and drew a direct association between "no-strings-attached sex" and so-called "women's liberation" where none exists. The thing that p*sses me off is that all women have to live with this now. A lot of us didn't ask for this. We never wanted it. We got totally screwed.
It's like this: some people are innately hopeful. You can't keep 'em down, and if you do, it's not for long. I have been betrayed before. I've been married before. If I projected any residual insecurities or fears on every man I met, I may as well just check out of the relationship game and make the conscious decision to live alone, like a hermit. But I understand that my marriage failed for a very unique reason, and the chances of that happening again are almost nil.
But there are people like you describe who lose hope. They never recover after a break-up or divorce. They essentially refuse to trust again. I suspect a lot of these people get broken in childhood -- their parents went through a particularly horrific divorce, or even worse, their parents stayed together when they shouldn't have. This absence of hope is a personality trait, and it's so deeply engrained, I'm not sure that it's even fixable.
Your description describes me, almost to a T. Not the hopeful part, but the "never recover" part.
I'm all for equality for everyone, don't get me wrong. But to think there wouldn't be consequences is tremendously short-sighted.
No, I do agree. Who I really feel sorry for are women — well, men, too (sometimes, but rarely) — who move in with a S.O. out of financial necessity without being offered marriage first. I have several female friends who have done this, and they end up in some bizarre and unhealthy "adult dependent" arrangement from which there is no escape, or if there is escape, it means going back to near-poverty level. I'm just lucky that I have a career, money saved, etc.
Any woman that says she doesn't need love is completely disillusioned. Everybody deserves love. Humans were not meant to grow old alone. We were meant to be in relationship.
Every woman wants and deserves to be loved. Ladies...please be honest with yourselves. Careers, $$$, travel....NONE of that will ever be able to replace the feeling of being loved BY THE RIGHT MAN.
Don't confuse "love" with "physical intimacy" - because they really are different. I am surrounded by love in ever angle of my life and in all directions. I have a fantastic family and support system that care about me and do what they can to take care of me. Love is definitely not the problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
....For these people, I can absolutely understand why it's hard to want to get married again or even get back into a serious relationship. You never really forget how that feeling of betrayal felt, and after a while you do just get used to taking care of yourself and doing your own thing. For people like me, who haven't experienced any of that, I find it hard to get a woman who has felt that pain to let her guard down and be comfortable with me. They are good about saying it, but they aren't good about showing it. It's easier to be walled up and secure in themselves than tear down the walls to take the chance that some....
The amount and depth true, unforgivable betrayal runs cannot even be described by words. My "nice guy" ex spouse betrayed me in every sense, and he betrayed our child. What he did is off the charts because of how determined he was to destroy me and the magnitude of his offenses. I could recover from what I have gone through and trust another person to share my life again. But that contract that comes with marriage and children? No, I got burned beyond what any man or woman should ever endure. I have seen how ugly and evil humans can be to each other. I would much rather have the ability to leave with my dignity than endure it all over again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
... But there are people like you describe who lose hope. They never recover after a break-up or divorce. They essentially refuse to trust again. I suspect a lot of these people get broken in childhood -- their parents went through a particularly horrific divorce, or even worse, their parents stayed together when they shouldn't have. This absence of hope is a personality trait, and it's so deeply engrained, I'm not sure that it's even fixable.
I haven't lost hope, I have just been 'aged' by experience. Jaded in the sense of knowing what I have gone through and what I don't want to go through again. My parents had a particularly nasty divorce, but then my father (he had custody of us) remarried a terrific woman and we functioned well as a blended family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by foclampt
...It can be a little depressing knowing that I, and other women like me, with kids, are already lumped into an undateable catagory.
Its better for me to -as they say - suck it up and just come to terms with the fact that I'm in that catagory. Sure I'd like to have love, and companionship, and heck, while I'm at it, a dad for my kids...but, I know that getting to that place is almost impossible for me. Its a lot better NOT to even entertain the idea, and just keep my singleness as a refuge, focusing on priorities, and making my life better.
Besides, as its been said, people tend to find whatever person is at their level. Unconsciously we draw to us whatever we feel we deserve, or something like that...obviously, the way I feel right now, I'm NOT going to do any dating. I would probably just attract exactly the kind of unhealthy person I want to avoid...but at least I've read a lot of psychology and self help books...my half price books store loves me.
I agree with a lot of this perception when it comes to single moms. There is an instant percentage of men that lump a single mom into a catagory - easy, gold digger, looking for a meal ticket, looking for a baby daddy, etc, etc. The type of men I would ideally like to pursue have mostly written me off based on the single mom status. It's just better to remain single than set myself for failure or disappointment that I have already seen from the very small amount of dating I have done.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am surrounded by love in ever angle of my life and in all directions. I have a fantastic family and support system that care about me and do what they can to take care of me. Love is definitely not the problem.
No, I got burned beyond what any man or woman should ever endure. I have seen how ugly and evil humans can be to each other. I would much rather have the ability to leave with my dignity than endure it all over again. 
