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Agreed if she didn't take care of herself than it wouldn't be worth it. Also it's not getting taken advantage of if you know what you are paying for and setting the limits for that. He's in the driver's seat.
It could be worse. He could be with a mouthy, unattractive, overweight lady that puts her career above everything else who's kids are "her world" making it clear how little she needs him.
As with everything, there is balance. And please don't call me Mikie lol
Thanks Mike, I think the reality is that yes I value physical attractiveness. And the sex ain't bad for either of us.. I wasn't really looking for a judgement.. more just how do you motivate someone without pushing them too far away.. I do like this girl.. I could see a future but I need her to step up..she has worked before, but life has her a bit down.. and I think I know what to do..
Yes we had the convo, I am holding off until the end of January and if she hasn't made progress I will take it from there. It was a very serious convo and hopefully she understands this is not acceptable long term. I am taking her to get her license tomorrow and we will take it from there..
The reality is that the relationship means more to me than money (I have plenty of that, I can afford to feed them for another month without impacting myself or mine) and I think I will fight and let her know very clearly what my expectations are.
Thanks Mike, I think the reality is that yes I value physical attractiveness. And the sex ain't bad for either of us.. I wasn't really looking for a judgement.. more just how do you motivate someone without pushing them too far away.. I do like this girl.. I could see a future but I need her to step up..she has worked before, but life has her a bit down.. and I think I know what to do..
Yes we had the convo, I am holding off until the end of January and if she hasn't made progress I will take it from there. It was a very serious convo and hopefully she understands this is not acceptable long term. I am taking her to get her license tomorrow and we will take it from there..
The reality is that the relationship means more to me than money (I have plenty of that, I can afford to feed them for another month without impacting myself or mine) and I think I will fight and let her know very clearly what my expectations are.
Most days she isn't even up by the time I am leaving for work (I don't leave early, around 8:30 AM), and while she does laundry and cooks dinner, I feel like she doesn't do an amazing job of cleaning the house.
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This is sort of odd, as most toddlers/little kids are up much earlier than that. What are they doing while she's sleeping? Or is this the part where you "don't really know" how well she takes care of them?
Depends on the kid. I have a 15-month old who sleeps 10-12 hours at a stretch and has since he was about 5 months old, so he wakes up between 8-9 a.m. If I wanted to, sleeping until he's up would make perfect sense, as one of the common adages of parenting babies and young children is to try to catch your sleep when they sleep. I generally get up quite a bit earlier so I can accomplish some tasks without toddling going on underfoot. But, really, not all small children are up at the crack of dawn.
I am fairly recently divorced.. I feel like I may have jumped into a relationship way too soon.. but thats not something I can change right now.
Anyway, I have 2 kids that I have on the weekends, and my girlfriend has 2 kids that she has most of the time (Texas standard visitation, she is the custodial parent). She lives with me and her kids do as well most of the time. I support us all on a single income. The problem is that neither her nor her father do anything to support these kids, no child support is paid (he is now like 4-5k in arrears) and she has not worked for the entire year I have been together (2 years total). I have offered her a car to drive if she will go get her license (Its a manual so she'd have to learn to drive it) and/or pay for the first few weeks of child care so she could get started at a job. She has yet to even seek a job.. Most days she isn't even up by the time I am leaving for work (I don't leave early, around 8:30 AM), and while she does laundry and cooks dinner, I feel like she doesn't do an amazing job of cleaning the house.
On top of this, she constantly complains about how I don't treat her kids the same.. For example on weekends when my children are here but hers aren't we tend to do things that cost more.. My reasoning is that she can't afford to pay for her kids so I tend to find free/cheap alternatives that I don't mind paying for. She complains that I don't interact with her kids much.. the reality is I only see them for a few hours after work and I am wiped out after sitting in front of a computer for 8-9 hours a day.. versus I see my kids on the weekend when I am refreshed..
Do I sound unreasonable? Anytime I bring up her not working, she gets angry and withdraws.. I can't really understand why..
Just looking for any input or advice..
I've only read the first page of responses....
I suggest starting over at step one: Cute Redhead (Blonde-brunnette etc), or not.....never intermingle moving in, thinking you're in "LOVE", finances, kids...whatever...........with ANY temporarily so called 'hot' gal you're just physically attracted to.
The one you're describing now is going to suck you dry in the non-fun way.
Next one, make sure she can balance her own checking account and has a long term history of somewhere to be 5 days a week.
Depends on the kid. I have a 15-month old who sleeps 10-12 hours at a stretch and has since he was about 5 months old, so he wakes up between 8-9 a.m. If I wanted to, sleeping until he's up would make perfect sense, as one of the common adages of parenting babies and young children is to try to catch your sleep when they sleep. I generally get up quite a bit earlier so I can accomplish some tasks without toddling going on underfoot. But, really, not all small children are up at the crack of dawn.
Hating you now! Mine usually gets up between 7:00-7:30 and he's 5. It was around 6-6:30 when he was a toddler.
The fact that she lives with you so soon after your divorce is a red flag right there. I philosophically oppose cohabitation. It annoys people meet and move in immediately. Unbelievable!!
Me, too, especially with kids involved. This stuff is a big deal and people treat it like it's nothing.
I really don't understand why someone would want to be dependent on someone else so completely.
The thing I learned the hard way in life is just because I would never ever consider doing something doesn't mean someone else wouldn't. Hardest lesson for me to learn.
....but I refuse to believe that people don't want to improve themselves and their situation.
As someone who witnessed homeless people camp out across the street from my apartment building for over a year, I assure you there definitely ARE people who do not want to improve themselves and their situation. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it in my face every day for a year. But whoomp....there it was. In my face. Every. Day. Once again, just because YOU would never consider doing--or, in this case, not doing--something, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't.
How is he punishing her kids, when he's feeding them and putting a roof over their heads, when they arent even his kids? He's doing 10 times more for them than their own mother or father is doing.
OP, move her back to her fathers house. You can't win this one.
The instability of moving from place to place is a form of punishment. Now they will be uprooted again.
You don't go back to somewhere you've never been.
She doesn't need to learn how to support herself as long as she can use her charms to hook a schlub who will cover her expenses.
What difference does it make if the SAHM is married or not? In each case, married or not married, the man is consenting to being Mr. Provider for the brood.
Good for her if this is the life she wants and she's able to realize it.
It wouldn't work for me personally, but I'm not going to get my panties in a twist over anyone else who manages an existence without taking up her place in the hamster wheels of corporate America. I guess I just can't get as worked up about people who manage their lives without having to work some dead-end job just to pay to have someone else care for their small children. This model should not be considered the pinnacle of parenting.
If all they can get are dead end jobs, I really wish they wouldn't have kids in the first place.
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