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I think I like to think I believe in people and just thought she needed some help to get going.. maybe I'm a sucker.. probably, but I refuse to believe that people don't want to improve themselves and their situation. As to the Ho thing, I'm going to ignore that as it's pretty demeaning to women..
ok, but what if she had never met this guy? she shouldn't go back to work, learn how to support herself? There is zero judgement about being a SAHM. There is judgement about women who choose never to work, and just go from man to man expecting to be supported. I would guess this girl never worked even before kids. Being a SAHM in a stable marriage is far different than finding a guy and moving your two kids in and expecting to be supported.
You don't go back to somewhere you've never been.
She doesn't need to learn how to support herself as long as she can use her charms to hook a schlub who will cover her expenses.
What difference does it make if the SAHM is married or not? In each case, married or not married, the man is consenting to being Mr. Provider for the brood.
Good for her if this is the life she wants and she's able to realize it.
It wouldn't work for me personally, but I'm not going to get my panties in a twist over anyone else who manages an existence without taking up her place in the hamster wheels of corporate America.
I guess I just can't get as worked up about people who manage their lives without having to work some dead-end job just to pay to have someone else care for their small children. This model should not be considered the pinnacle of parenting.
What field is she in? Does she have a degree? Work experience? How much is daycare in your area for two children vs how much is her current earning potential?
How on earth did you blend families and move in together without having any of these discussions?
OP, you said you told her before she moved in that you expected her to work. And ever since she moved in, she's been making excuses as to why she can't work, you say. So you can tell her the gravy train is over; she hasn't held her part of the bargain, so you're getting a truck for the weekend to load her stuff into it and take her back to her dad's place. Tell her to start packing. If she's not ready by the weekend, shovel her stuff into the truck yourself, and dump it in her dad's driveway. Change the locks on your doors.
This is what it may boil down to, if she's uncooperative. Of course, after forcibly evicting her like that, she won't be keen to date you, so kiss that thought goodbye. This si "tough love" for YOU, who cares what it is for her? You need to get tough with your own neediness that got you into this situation in the first place.
After you're rid of her, you can start fresh; get some counseling relating to your divorce and your inability to be alone. Consider it an investment in yourself. It will pay off for the rest of your life, if you engage seriously in the counseling. You'll come out of it a free man, in charge of your own life. Currently, you're not in charge. She is. Think about that.
Keep in mind that most of the "advise" people give on this board tend to derive from a psychological desire to bash someone else. It doesn't appear we've derailed much from that. I can say easily over 50% easy of the advise on here is to simply leave the person your with. I guess problem solved. We'll all remain single.
As for another perspective, it can be difficult to meet attractive, single ladies as you get older. Maybe you don't want to throw her to the curb as many suggest here. It's probably good to talk to her, but I'd suggest talking to her like a concerned partner as opposed to a dad-like tone that get from your post.
If she truly is only with you for what she can get out of you, than this is not really even a relationship then. You'll only end up getting hurt in the end, and shed a lot more of your resources in the process. If that's the case let her disappear, as you indicate is a likely outcome.
If there is a chance for a long-term relationship, I certainly wouldn't be throwing it away.
Only you ultimately know the situation. OP what is both your ages if you don't mind me asking?
If being "attractive" trumps all other attributes like independence and initiative then I guess he's all set!
I would think he could break up with her in a manner that doesn't involve physically throwing her and her things out the door in front of her children, traumatizing them in the process. If this story is at all true, it's time for the adults to take some responsibility for a situation they both created for their children.
I would think he could break up with her in a manner that doesn't involve physically throwing her and her things out the door in front of her children, traumatizing them in the process.
Oh, oops, I forgot about the kids. Seems like the kids were an afterthought to him, too, when he was feeling lonely and decided to move her in.
But sure, he can tell her it's not working out, or whatever verbiage he wants to use, but the fact is, she didn't hold up her part of the bargain. If she digs in her heels and refuses to leave, she'll be leaving the OP with no alternative but to evict her. And the onus will be on her, for choosing not to cooperate. The OP shouldn't be guilted into putting up with a moocher for the rest of his life.
I get the feeling the OP was hoping that we could come up with a magic formula to share with him, for getting her motivated to work and contribute financially to the household, but we've seen too many of these situations on the forum. There is no magic bullet for motivating gf's who avoid looking for work. Guys like this need to take responsibility for their own weaknesses, pull together some strength ("grow a pair" in the CD-R vernacular), and take steps to correct their error and move on. OP--consider it a personal growth opportunity for yourself. You'll be sadder but wiser.
Best wishes, and Happy New Year! A brand-new year; what do you want it to look like? Same as the old year, or a fresh new year and a fresh new chance to get your life off to a better, more rational start? The choice is yours.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-29-2016 at 02:54 PM..
I am alittle confused by all this ire- plenty of SAHM in the world, that I see (and I was the breadwinner for many years). It is not unusual.
Those kids are pretty young for mom to get back to work- unless the OP wants to watch the kids on weekends-- unless she has a skill, the posters are right - she will barely be able to cover the cost of daycare for two kids (and depending on the area, even that) so you have to weigh it out whether its worth it.
A lot of judgment here on OP supporting a SAHM when its still the norm in plenty of families.
quote]
ok, but what if she had never met this guy? she shouldn't go back to work, learn how to support herself? There is zero judgement about being a SAHM. There is judgement about women who choose never to work, and just go from man to man expecting to be supported. I would guess this girl never worked even before kids. Being a SAHM in a stable marriage is far different than finding a guy and moving your two kids in and expecting to be supported.
she was living with her parent- as many do in this day and age, and in this economy (and with 2 little kids she didn't walk away from- 3 and 5 year olds are exhausting)-
If she doesn't feel working to pay for daycare and not seeing her kids, is worth it (depending on her job skills) then she can (I assume since thats where she started out) just move back in with her dad.
She doesn't absolutely NEED the OP.
And I am saying as someone (female) who absolutely supported the family and very very well, for years, as the sole breadwinner.
In the relationship I am in now, I would absolutely support my partner, if he needed it, but he doesn't. And I am taking a break.
Its a great relationship, I find him very desirable, and personable, and loving.
Thats what should decide things, not other peoples opinion of whether someone is doing their "fair share" or not.
Finding a compatible partner for the long term really isn't that easy in this day and age of Tinder and OLD...
thats something to be considered.
Our friends were in exactly the same situation, the man (also 10 years older) supported the woman through earning her nursing degree, the kids are now late teens (only one is at home) and guess what, he told her now that she has skills she needs to work --
and she does, its been 6 months and they bought a new house, and she makes most of the money--
People shouldn't be so quick to jump in and point fingers and give ultimatums-
I read every page of this and I thought he was separated from his wife before he met the red head. I'm pretty sure he also said his wife was cheating on him. Maybe he wasn't legally divorced but I wouldn't call him dating another woman cheating when he was in the process of getting divorced and didn't start seeing this woman until after him and his wife were living a part.
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