I'm being haunted by a man from my past - why would he do this? (advice, friends)

[C24L]

I would just block him on fb.

[thegreenflute334]

Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe

Puleez. Let's envision the conversation with a police officer.

No officer, really he's stalking me!

And yet you're cashing his checks.

Right! But, I really want him to go away!

But $5 a year equals love, officer!

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

I don't have a facebook account for exactly this reason. I don't want everyone from my past to be able to find me.

I just don't understand this new generation's acceptance of having their lives completely public. It's creepy. They don't understand why the constitution protects our right to privacy. Without it, you're easy prey.

OP, you can't really be this foolish. You can't be "haunted" by someone you let into your life, and whose checks you cash. You are a willing victim here.

[CGab]

Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe

I don't have a facebook account for exactly this reason. I don't want everyone from my past to be able to find me.

I just don't understand this new generation's acceptance of having their lives completely public. It's creepy. They don't understand why the constitution protects our right to privacy. Without it, you're easy prey.

OP, you can't really be this foolish. You can't be "haunted" by someone you let into your life, and whose checks you cash. You are a willing victim here.

I agree on not having FB!!

[metalmancpa]

Sorry OP, but in simple summary after reading through much of this thread, he invited you into his game and you accepted. Now you've really complicated your life, and you must play the game to end it.

I believe most people make those sort of decisions in their lives, stepping in the #@!& pile instead of walking around it. I know I have done so in several aspects of my life. Good luck in your game. All I can do from here is pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and watch the show.

And trust me I am not making light of your situation whatsoever. At 57 years old I've seen plenty of life myself. Just ticks me off when I make the mistake and have to fix it. Accountability is an important part of me, and helps me move on.

[longneckone]

I would destroy the check but not tell him.Let him worry it could hit his bank account. Unfriend him on FB. Why change your phone #? You do have caller ID Right? Don't answer his calls.

[Colorado Rambler]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

I think that the loneliness and background hope in your mind that he's changed is clouding your thought process. I know that humans can be inherently irrational at times.

I really hope you can put this guy out of your life as he doesn't deserve to have a place in it. Has he changed, IDK, probably not as he's not truly respecting your wishes because of the nature in his repeated attempts at trying to reconnect with you.

Yeah, I think you summed it up pretty well.

Originally Posted by HokieFan

Is that you, Glenn?

LOL! With all due respect to the forum member you were replying to, that's pretty funny.

Originally Posted by elnina

Knowing the story, I don't understand why you even bothered to start a thread deep in the night sharing with us this unfortunate experience.
One would think that as a mature woman you got wiser, and learned some new skills.
But not! While the whole situation bothers you, obviously, causing sleepless nights - sadly, it doesn't bothers you the way I would expected. Yes, you are still upset what happened years ago, but you are also excited and intrigued about his new inquiries.
Allowing him back to your life makes you a weak prey, and sends vibes that you didn't changed a bit - still the same lonely, desperate woman, that is willing to be used and abused again.
Yes, he probably needs you, but whatever that is, will be good for him, not for you.

Well, that's a little harsh, but I did ask for feedback. As a "mature woman" I feel that I am a little wiser and I've certainly learned new skills. I'm a night owl, BTW. That's one thing about myself that probably will never change.

Thanks to everyone who has replied to this thread, I really appreciate the feedback from you all! Writing this all down and then throwing it out there on the Internet has helped quite a bit. I also took a nice long walk this afternoon to thinks things over and clear my head a little. I've been keeping my cell shut off, so I won't be tempted to pick up if I hear that he's trying to call. But I still need to check my voicemail and stuff once a day, so I don't miss messages I really want/need to hear. I checked my voicemail earlier this evening and YES! There were no messages from Glenn. He hasn't called me for a few days now and the last time I spoke with him, he complained of the poor quality of the cell reception (I live in a remote, rural region and sometimes the cell phone service out here is impossible).

It occurred to me that this is exactly what he always likes to do - he will move heaven and earth to win me over and then once he thinks he has me hooked, he loses interest and will vanish at the slightest hint of any further difficulty. I started replaying the tapes in my mind of how awful that Halloween night was when he walked out on me instead of my "good old days" tapes. I remembered yet again what a hard six months it was after he left me empty-handed - no job, no money - just a big empty hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I suddenly remembered the refrain from an old obscure Bill Miller song that I like very much - "Ordinary Man." It's about a couple of old folks who remained together all their lives even though neither one was perfect. The refrain of that song goes:

Any fool would have turned and run;
Any fool would have given up;
Any fool would have walked away;
But an ordinary man - he chose to stay.

Yeah, a man who really loved me would have talked to me about what was going on with him, made an effort to get my support and work things through, but Glenn was a fool who turned and runned, leaving everything that mattered behind him. I thought about how I'd have to leave this place I love more than anything in the world and move back to a big city that I hate because access to medical care here isn't that great, and Glenn needs access to better medical care these days. I pictured myself, abandoned in that city yet one more time only this time even worse because I've been away so long that I no longer have the friends there who helped me make it through it last time around. Man did that ever bring a chill to my soul.

And I thought about Glenn's daughter - that poor little girl. He never even bothered to say goodbye to her. She had been so excited about Halloween, saying "This is going to be the best Halloween ever!" She was at a Halloween party with her friends the night her Dad walked off into the night. I had no legal claim on her of course, never mind the money to take care of her, so I had to take her back to her real Mom - who was a very angry, abusive woman. Glenn's daughter sat in my car with me and we both cried, parked out front of her Mom's and stepDad's house. That was as hard as losing Glenn. After that this poor girl used to show up at my house and show me all the bruises on her legs where her Mom had beat her up. No wonder she used to run away from home! I did what I could to offer her support and encouragement and she managed to graduate from high school, became a veterinarian's assistant, and later on got married. We drifted apart after I moved away from the city a few years after Glenn left. There were just so many painful memories... I think she is doing OK now. She friended me on Facebook and gives every appearance of living a happy life. I hope she really is and I'm sending up a prayer for her this evening.

You know, it may not be so hard for me to change my cell phone number after all.

[Colorado Rambler]

Wow! I never thought I'd get so many replies to my long post last night! Thank you everyone who read through all that and gave me your feedback.

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

What?!? OP, this is alarming. He's a con artist. You know that from experience. Why would you let that back into your life? Clearly, you're feeling needy. For heaven's sake, go get some professional counseling, before he takes advantage of you again. Get a grip on yourself--and be firm about it!--and make yourself look up counselors on the internet, review the websites of ones that deal with relationships or mid-life or later-life loneliness, and call to make an appointment.

Just do it, OP. You can't be trusted with your own emotional and financial safety at this point. Get tough with yourself, and talk to a professional about this.

I'm feeling much more like I can just refuse to go any further with this insanity tonight. Writing everything down and then throwing it out there on the Internet has helped quite a bit. I also took a nice long walk this afternoon to thinks things over and clear my head a little. I've been keeping my cell shut off, so I won't be tempted to pick up if I hear that he's trying to call. But I still need to check my voicemail and stuff once a day, so I don't miss messages I really want/need to hear. I checked my voicemail earlier this evening and YES! There were no messages from Glenn. He hasn't called me for a few days now and the last time I spoke with him, he complained of the poor quality of the cell reception (I live in a remote, rural region and sometimes the cell phone service out here is impossible).

It occurred to me that this is exactly what he always likes to do - he will move heaven and earth to win me over and then once he thinks he has me hooked, he loses interest and will vanish at the slightest hint of any further difficulty. I started replaying the tapes in my mind of how awful that Halloween night was when he walked out on me instead of my "good old days" tapes. I remembered yet again what a hard six months it was after he left me empty-handed - no job, no money - just a big empty hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I suddenly remembered the refrain from an old obscure Bill Miller song that I like very much - "Ordinary Man." It's about a couple of old folks who remained together all their lives even though neither one was perfect. The refrain of that song goes:

Any fool would have turned and run;
Any fool would have given up;
Any fool would have walked away;
But an ordinary man - he chose to stay.

Yeah, a man who really loved me would have talked to me about what was going on with him, made an effort to get my support and work things through, but Glenn was a fool who turned and runned, leaving everything that mattered behind him. I thought about how if I was actually stupid enough to get back together with him, I'd have to leave this place I love more than anything in the world and move back to a big city that I hate because access to medical care here isn't that great, and Glenn needs access to better medical care these days. I pictured myself, abandoned in that city yet one more time only this time even worse because I've been away so long that I no longer have the friends there who helped me make it through it last time around. Man did that ever bring a chill to my soul.

You know, it may not be so hard for me to change my cell phone number after all.

Originally Posted by blueherons

Hell yeah!!!

Let him keep sending you $100 checks. When they stop, or when the first one bounces, THEN block him and kick him to the curb.

BTW, a tiger cannot change his stripes. It's an old cliche because it is true. Heed the warning.

DO NOT USE THE MONEY TO FLY HIM TO YOU. He'll start next with the love letters. Don't read them, just cash the checks.

Originally Posted by Lovehound

If you keep the check(s) you are fostering a feeling on his part that you owe him something in return.

Originally Posted by WouldLoveTo

So personally I'd take whatever money you can get but don't let him back in your life otherwise. And if you can't take the money without letting him in your life - DON'T TAKE THE MONEY!!

My .02 and good luck

In regard to the comments you guys and others here have made about anymore potential checks: One of the things I decided to do when I was walking and thinking this afternoon is that if he sends me any more letters/checks? I'm going to hold up the envelope to the light to see if there's a check in it or not. No check and I send the letter back unopened - "RETURN TO SENDER!" If I see a check inside, I'm gonna open up the envelope, take the check out, and then tape it back up - "RETURN TO SENDER!" I think he might just get a clue!

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

I'm being haunted by a man from my past - why would he do this?

I would bet this month's salary that "Glenn" is making the rounds of his former romantic conquests, hoping to latch onto one he can keep for a while until he chooses to leave again. If you were a fly on the wall watching him reach out to people on FB, what would you see?

I beg you to put aside your romantic notions for a long moment and consider what another, possibly even more humiliating rejection will do to your self-esteem.

Spot on! He actually did this a few years after he left me. Came back to town and went house to house, looking up his old girlfriends, including me. I didn't mention this little incident in my OP because it was already long enough, but there you go. At the time, I was in a better place emotionally and I knew another of his old flames and I called her up and asked if he tried to show up at her place, as well. She said "yes" and that she'd shown him to the door and we both had a good laugh!

That's the other thing it occurred to me he might be doing when I finally had my moment of clarity today - calling up old girlfriends and seeing who is available. I'm awfully far away and it's a pain to get out here, so I bet I'm on his "second list"!

Originally Posted by metalmancpa

Sorry OP, but in simple summary after reading through much of this thread, he invited you into his game and you accepted. Now you've really complicated your life, and you must play the game to end it.

I believe most people make those sort of decisions in their lives, stepping in the #@!& pile instead of walking around it. I know I have done so in several aspects of my life. Good luck in your game. All I can do from here is pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and watch the show.

And trust me I am not making light of your situation whatsoever. At 57 years old I've seen plenty of life myself. Just ticks me off when I make the mistake and have to fix it. Accountability is an important part of me, and helps me move on.

You are absolutely right and I'm thinking maybe just maybe, you'll have to get out that popcorn for someone else when it comes to all this. Between everyone's comments and me having switched the memory tapes that I'd been playing that let Glenn start to draw me back in, I may actually not have to do this to myself again. What a concept!

[Angie682]

Change your number! A leopard never changes his spots...

[SFBayBoomer]

Originally Posted by Lovehound

Throw away the checks.

I agree. I wouldn't sign the back of that nasty paper. If he sends cash and you want to spend it, OK, but otherwise, don't touch the "funny money".