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I'm sure this topic has been done to death but really, what's in a man's head with this?
I have a male friend, we've been chummy for three years. He's been a good patient friend to me. I like him and think he's a decent, stable, consistent guy.
Since the holidays or so things have escalated a bit in intensity on his end (I assume he's lonely, he has big life changes coming up). I myself have been very sick and dealing with that. He's been a good guy to me through it, takes cues from me about what I'm up for and so on. No pressure kind of thing (I don't have a lot of energy right now). We've joked about him being on standby for fun if needed while at the same time we had a thoughtful discussion how we didn't want our friendship to end if it became sexual. It was something I feared. He told me more than once he was more worried I would end things, not him. (I know I would not).
The inevitable happened, we had sex one night, for hours actually. It was fantastic. He was kind and sweet and so respectful. He treated me like he was into it. It was effortless really with no awkwardness, it was great!
Other than a text right after he left saying what a great time he had and I was awesome and all that I've heard nothing. I've sent a few follow up texts and a chatty email, the sort of contact we always have. No response. It's been three weeks. In general it isn't weird we'd go three weeks without a real convo, but him to not even respond at all is very weird (before sex anyway).
To be clear - we do not have romantic feelings for one another and simply enjoyed being friends and chatting with one another. He has no reason to fear my feelings have changed.
What gives guys? We aren't young anymore either, if that matters. Sure people hook up but we've been friends for three years, what guy is going to pretend for that long for one night??
Guess what? You've just had insight into the guy's character.
Sweet, funny, etc., are all what someone says. Nice attributes to have, no doubt. But what really matters is what someone does. That is the litmus test of character. And this guy revealed his to you in a big way.
Chances are that the guy rolled out of bed the next morning and thought to himself, "Oh, hell, what a mistake this was." I mean, many of us have done something like that. But while people with character will have the maturity and thoughtfulness to say, "You know, that night was great. But I'm not sure that this is where I want our relationship to go."
Yeah, it's not easy to say. Yeah, it hurts the feelings of the recipient. But it's far, far worse to simply disappear. It is the revelation that you've been used. You were essentially the impulse purchase, the candy bar in the checkout aisle that gets consumed and the wrapper simply tossed away. And as for that shopworn argument that "He just didn't know what to say," the real truth is that he had his fun and just didn't want to face the music afterwards.
Ghosting on someone is cowardice, pure and simple. Maybe the guy has reappeared since you wrote your OP, but a month is a long time to simply cut and run. Just don't count on him going forward.
Once again, by the way, on this forum here's a post that simply screams, "Don't bump uglies with someone until there's a real emotional connection." Not something where you just get along, but something deeper and richer based on mutual trust and respect.
I'm not a bluenose or a puritan here. I'm not someone who thinks sex is for marriage or any of that nonsense. But just banging someone because you feel the itch almost never comes out well because someone is going to get emotionally involved as the result of an intimate act. There are literally thousands of posts on CD that testify to this simple fact.
You gave him what he wanted and he bailed afterwards. No shock.
Naah, that's not it.
People aren't rational. It would be great if we could have sex with our friends. We usually pick friends who are good-looking, compatible, and nice. But we evolved in a way that makes sex a high-stakes encounter where (usually one, sometimes both) people have greatly altered feelings afterwards, usually in wanting the relationship to continue, but sometimes in wanting it to go away or to be the way it was before.
Naah, that's not it.
...<snip>
He's feeling awkward. Give him a call.
100 times, this! ^^^
While nobody needs to verbalize what exactly happened in bed, it's fairly easy to fill in with imagination. And that's where the awkwardness comes from. Platonic friends generally exchange hugs upon meeting and parting, and maybe dance with each if they so desire. Having sex involves not just PIV, but this, that, and the other , all in the nude. In a nutshell, it a BIG jump to go from platonic hugs to sex.
Players have an easy time getting over the morning awkwardness, or they don't even feel it in the first place. But the OP's guy friend isn't a player, apparently. OP, call him (not text), and tell him you don't want any awkwardness between you two, and that you want to be friends again. With or without sex.
People aren't rational. It would be great if we could have sex with our friends. We usually pick friends who are good-looking, compatible, and nice. But we evolved in a way that makes sex a high-stakes encounter where (usually one, sometimes both) people have greatly altered feelings afterwards, usually in wanting the relationship to continue, but sometimes in wanting it to go away or to be the way it was before.
He's feeling awkward. Give him a call.
I think this is the lamest statement of the thread.
Grownups, real sentient adults who actually care for something besides their peckers, would not simply walk away from an intimate encounter with someone who is supposedly a friend and never call back. Grownups call. Grownups admit mistakes. Grownups apologize, if need be.
So now, after he used her and ghosted, she's supposed to chase after him? She's already done that and gotten a big, fat goose egg out of the guy.
OP, if you're reading this, don't do it. Preserve your dignity and be more careful about whom you sleep with next time.
I think this is the lamest statement of the thread.
Grownups, real sentient adults who actually care for something besides their peckers, would not simply walk away from an intimate encounter with someone who is supposedly a friend and never call back. Grownups call. Grownups admit mistakes. Grownups apologize, if need be.
So now, after he used her and ghosted, she's supposed to chase after him? She's already done that and gotten a big, fat goose egg out of the guy.
OP, if you're reading this, don't do it. Preserve your dignity and be more careful about whom you sleep with next time.
I concur.
She already through out this thread has said that she's reached out to him. If she does anymore she's gonna look like a stalker at this point.
This story just doesn't really ring true for me. I mean it could be, but if you know someone for three years and to just vanish seems like something a high school teenager would do. You have a day or two of feeling awkward but then you at least call and say something. IDK, maybe I'm off here.
So now, after he used her and ghosted, she's supposed to chase after him? She's already done that and gotten a big, fat goose egg out of the guy. OP, if you're reading this, don't do it. Preserve your dignity
Agree 1000%!
He's not a delicate flower. Actions vs words. His actions spell LAME.
She already through out this thread has said that she's reached out to him. If she does anymore she's gonna look like a stalker at this point.
This story just doesn't really ring true for me. I mean it could be, but if you know someone for three years and to just vanish seems like something a high school teenager would do. You have a day or two of feeling awkward but then you at least call and say something. IDK, maybe I'm off here.
Well, that changes things. I missed the part where she already tried to contact him.
I can understand the guy's actions---without condoning them---if he's really socially awkward. By that, I mean not good with women. To the point where one night of sex is a shock of a lifetime for him . Which leads me to a question: OP, were you, by any chance, your friend's first? If so, that would explain a lot. His actions are still rotten, though.
I can only think of two possibilities at this point:
1. He's in love with you and doesn't know how to process it. He's avoiding you because he either thinks you don't love him back or he's not ready for something like that at this time.
2. He never meant for it to happen and regrets it and doesn't want it to happen again so he's avoiding you.
It doesn't really matter what's really going on. The best thing to do is surrender to the fact that you might have lost a friend and move on.
I've seen men who fall in the #1 category as GKelly opines above and this is not how they act when they're interested in a woman.
Even the most precious scared girly-man who had a night of sex (and according to the opinion above is "in love") would want a repeat of the sex as soon as possible. Disappearing altogether over the next several weeks is not the behavior of someone "in love." His behavior is straight out of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You."
Unfortunately and for whatever reason, the guy is gone, he's not a friend, he's not acting like he wants anything to do with the OP, and fantasizing that maybe he's "in love" and merely askeered and confused of what it all means is, IMO, only setting the OP up for more disappointment.
Actions vs words.
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, all in the nude. In a nutshell, it a BIG jump to go from platonic hugs to sex.
. Which leads me to a question: OP, were you, by any chance, your friend's first? If so, that would explain a lot. His actions are still rotten, though.
