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I respect her as being a human with feelings just as I am. No less.
There are no control issues. That is rather judgmental to say. I have talked to her about it and at this point she can either take it seriously and decide if it is within her or she can decide it isn't. Again, I'm not and have not been forcing anything.
Uhh, William, you're giving her an ultimatum:
"Start clearly showing your love for me or we're breaking up."
Actually...When I read the thread I just wanted to know why she needed $1200 and if he was paying for all of the airfare. It does seem that she (gf) may get defensive because he comes up with what she’s doing wrong all the time after a while, that would get old too.
At the beginning of a relationship the 2 people try to decide if they’re a good fit, then move on from there. It doesn’t sound like they are, and from the way OP has laid it out, he consistently lets her know she’s not behaving the way he wants her to. “You aren’t acting loving”. If I was her I wouldn’t feel so great either.
So now the get to know you time is over, and OP has found she isn’t the kind of person who’s communication style makes him happy. Does he just continue to express to her how unhappy she makes him?
At the beginning of our relationship we were a really good fit and talks like of this magnitude was not a thing until recently over the past month when she has shown strong signs of going cold turkey.
The money was loaned to her for other personal reasons other than airfare and I feel it is not appropriate to discuss that here and it really is not needed.
When there are issues in a relationship people work through them by talking. Usually when I tried to talk to her before about it, she would ensure me she is sorry and/or loves me with all her heart then rinse and repeat day after day or she just became more aggressive. A sure sign she didn't respect my feelings and has a lack thereof when indeed I would never have been mean or harsh about anything.
Now we have talked yesterday and I've kind of laid it out that this cannot continue. I just want us to be happy and I will be there for her. She told me she understood that she has been very mean to me and was sorry she would be more caring about our relationship. I still love her and I feel like she loves me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to meet her needs and hoping she proves she is willing to do whatever it takes to meet mine.
Hoping she upholds her end of the conversation and maybe the insecurities and lack of confidence that this has caused me won't end up in a state of sorrow and distress. I do believe in forgiveness and as long as she is willing to put in effort and show me that she is willing to work with me to meet my needs as I am willing to meet hers then there should be no issues to even talk about from neither of us.
Don't think you need to know more than that.
Last edited by WilliamPe; 08-26-2019 at 05:44 AM..
No, and if that’s all the information you want to provide: “she is mean, she’s getting meaner, I tell her she has problems and she is wrong. She agrees. I am very nice, I gave her money.”
I don’t know 🤷🏼 you don’t tell us anything that you like about her, so sure -that’ll be enough information for us to advise- Don’t let people be mean to you.
No, and if that’s all the information you want to provide: “she is mean, she’s getting meaner, I tell her she has problems and she is wrong. She agrees. I am very nice, I gave her money.”
I don’t know ���� you don’t tell us anything that you like about her, so sure -that’ll be enough information for us to advise- Don’t let people be mean to you.
I love a lot of things about her and what she has done. My intentions by making the thread was made to address the major issues and heartache this has been causing and to get positive insight on what to do although the harsh reality of some of these suggestions are not the most positive for any hope of a relationship. I didn't really make the thread in hopes of receiving negative criticism for an already bad situation. I appreciate the positive advice though.
That's perfectly fine though as I understand and mostly agree with the logic behind it. It is the negative criticism and the comments from people that seek to find issues with me that won't help with anything as in this situation things are already hard enough. Not really what I came here for and what I need.
I hope, since you've pretty much showed her that you'll put up with however she wants to treat you and just promises, promises, that she's not frantic about you cancelling your visit because she was planning to be able to hit you up for more money if she gets to you in person.
I hope, since you've pretty much showed her that you'll put up with however she wants to treat you and just promises, promises, that she's not frantic about you cancelling your visit because she was planning to be able to hit you up for more money if she gets to you in person.
I don’t think he’s cancelling his trip. I think money is important too... if I was in my 30s living at home I definitely would be able to pay my own way ...
I don’t think he’s cancelling his trip. I think money is important too... if I was in my 30s living at home I definitely would be able to pay my own way ...
I know, but he's threatened to.
His last post, however, makes it sound like he only came on here so people would encourage him to keep doing what he's been doing so...adios from me.
I hope, since you've pretty much showed her that you'll put up with however she wants to treat you and just promises, promises, that she's not frantic about you cancelling your visit because she was planning to be able to hit you up for more money if she gets to you in person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
I know, but he's threatened to.
His last post, however, makes it sound like he only came on here so people would encourage him to keep doing what he's been doing so...adios from me.
No, actually I would have never had the talk I did with her yesterday if is was not for the encouragement from the people here telling me to stand up for myself. I just could not find it in myself to end the relationship...
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
I don’t think he’s cancelling his trip. I think money is important too... if I was in my 30s living at home I definitely would be able to pay my own way ...
I'm not really willing to put up with it. That's why I talked to her. and yesss I know it is promises and promises over and over...
Guess I'm just a dummy with a heart. I hope she can come through. She was frantic, very frantic. I was absolutely set on cancelling my flight, but the fact she is so willing to be there for me as she says kind of makes that decision almost impossibly hard for me to make.
Edit: Yes, money is important, but not as important as other things to me.
I hope, since you've pretty much showed her that you'll put up with however she wants to treat you and just promises, promises, that she's not frantic about you cancelling your visit because she was planning to be able to hit you up for more money if she gets to you in person.
From the outside looking in, that's what it seems to be. Assuming that this "girl" (and a woman pushing forty is just that--a woman rather than a girl) works and is living rent-free with her parents, I cannot see why she should be hitting up her short-term boyfriend for such a large loan.
Barring a major life event such as a health concern or divorce, most people have their lives together by age thirty-eight. Living with her parents isn't the problem, but what appears to be an extended adolescence in terms of overall behavior (as shared by our O.P.) is and needs to be addressed by someone who's not wearing love's blinders as he is.
Our O.P. has gotten the advice that he needs, I think, even if he has no intentions of heeding it.
My questions for him are these: Do you have an "end date" for when this relationship will no longer be long-distance? Have you discussed what real-time, face-to-face conflict resolution will look like once you're together in the same geographical area? Do you know one another's money management styles and other things that can not be overcome by the force of love and sheer will?
It is the negative criticism and the comments from people that seek to find issues with me that won't help with anything as in this situation things are already hard enough. Not really what I came here for and what I need.
The negative criticism you're receiving is exactly what can salvage your relationship.
From what I've gathered, she's just reacting to your unacceptable behavior.
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