How can you tell if you were used? - I NEED ADVICE....
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I just cant get my head around how I loved him, him me, and he would just walk away without talking it through properly, saying "I dont love you enough". I needed to talk to him, and he refused, leaves me gutted, it's the disconnect, lack of closure that has caused me the problem. The abandonment is just awful and not even talking it through fully.
Stop imagining that you had a real love relationship with this guy. Again, how old are you? And are you a student? Or do you have a full time job? Stop mooning over this loser and get out and meet some new people. Find a new hobby or activity to do. Volunteer for a charity or good cause. Take up a sport. Just keep yourself busy, and too busy to be thinking about this crush of yours that didn't work out. Stop wasting your life over this guy. Clearly he never loved you at all. And he doesn't care about your feelings or helping to give you "closure".
PLEASE develop a sense of self worth? You are deserving of a wonderful person but youll never find one unless you learn to value and respect yourself
I think that's my problem, I used to be so very confident and happy, and now I have got reduced to so little self worth and so low self esteem, in fact a few months back I was in a very dark place where I just didnt want to go on, my confidence, esteem, spirit was totally crushed.
Mainly when I began to realise maybe he lied and I was used, the refusal by him to talk, after such a long time, me forgiving him taking him back, after sleeping together, it all drove me nuts mentally, it was just all too much, plus the total abandonment like that, but the not talking it through being the worst and the birthday breakup. I keep wondering if my reduced self esteem contributed to it too.
You can't demand someone treats you ok, the only thing you can do is is leave them, but I loved him so much, I didnt want to do that, but to work through any difficulties, as that is what you generally try to do as a couple. But when he was doing that break up on my birthday I did say, but you then just cant stop someone doing something, even when I knew it was so wrong. Argh.......I am so stuck.
Perhaps there is some way that you can reach him? Have you tried going to his house/apartment?
I realise now I should have done that at that time. It's not ok for a guy having got that involved to just end it with saying, no I dont want to talk. But I thought at that time I should respect that boundary, but I didnt realise it would drive me this nuts. Anyway, it's over a year now, and I know I should have done that even when he refused to talk, but I cant go back in time and fix that, hence the horrid effect it's having on me now, knowing I didnt do that, and not being able to do anything about it.
But also, I wanted him to come back to me, you know (like they do in the movies!), but he never did. I asked several times to meet and talk, by email this was, but he refused communication. I needed to have gone around, I know that now, due to my feelings, but I've never been in this type of situation before, so didnt know what best to do.
I think that's my problem, I used to be so very confident and happy, and now I have got reduced to so little self worth and so low self esteem, in fact a few months back I was in a very dark place where I just didnt want to go on, my confidence, esteem, spirit was totally crushed.
Mainly when I began to realise maybe he lied and I was used, the refusal by him to talk, after such a long time, me forgiving him taking him back, after sleeping together, it all drove me nuts mentally, it was just all too much, plus the total abandonment like that, but the not talking it through being the worst and the birthday breakup. I keep wondering if my reduced self esteem contributed to it too.
You can't demand someone treats you ok, the only thing you can do is is leave them, but I loved him so much, I didnt want to do that, but to work through any difficulties, as that is what you generally try to do as a couple. But when he was doing that break up on my birthday I did say, but you then just cant stop someone doing something, even when I knew it was so wrong. Argh.......I am so stuck.
Listen lady I feel bad for you, but Im having a hard time feeling sorry for you. Keep things in perspective please. You have your health first and foremost. This didnt happen while you were married so there are no complications.. you didnt get knocked up.. You didnt have any children.. YOU WERENT MARRIED TO THIS man for 20 years thaOn have him cheat on you.. YOU Dont have a terminal illness, and one of your loved ones hasnt died. i agree with above poster. GO out and do things.. I SUGGEST going to volunteer at a childrens cancer hospital, then you can come back to reality and see how your making a mountain out of a molehill here
Perhaps there is some way that you can reach him? Have you tried going to his house/apartment?
What the hell kind of advice are you giving her? THE WAY THIS degenerate treated her and shes supposed to go hunt him down like the Taliban to talk about feelings in a conversation over tea and triscuits?
I wouldn't recommend you give in, if you don't love him completely. But perhaps, the only way for you to move on, after a year, and this much pain, will be to let him have what he wants. You can change things later, when you have a good grasp on him. But for now, it looks like you are going to have to turn the other cheek, or move on.
- I did love him completely
- I did this, but only by email, I should have gone in person at that time, I needed to for me. It's not fair for him to just go like that.
- I wasnt experienced or manipulative to realise I could just do like you suggest. I was too honest, plus it was a moments reaction thing.
I am so stuck, partly because I know I should have done things at that time, and didnt. I am so gutted now, and it's literally killing me. I love him, and I want to have done those things differently, but cant now, I never realised he's leave me over it, and he gave me no time to think about it too.
He was the only guy I have slept with, though have dated several guys before that. Late 20's-early 30's, full time work. Come from a pretty strict background you see, so late starter! Anyway, I do feel he loved me, not that it was just said by him, but feel I should and could have said yes to his request it was just my inexperienced reacting, but that moment has now passed, and bascially I didnt know how to handle it after that, and realise I should have made him talk it through.
Yes, he does seem to be mostly hung up on the physical side of a relationship only. I guess that's what stopped me, i.e. he didnt love me the person and just want to walk away like that, so yes, then self worth kicked in and pride. But I underestimated how much my feelings were already hooked in with him.
But I deeply loved him, so I should have done what he wanted. What can you do when someone refuses to talk, it's so immature, and I knew it, but you are then in a catch 22 when you love them. I didnt want to walk away from him, my love for him never waivered in the 3.5 yrs, I just was too inexperienced to know how to "manage" someone reacting like that, for what was best for both of us really.
Oh it's a mess now, that's all I know. Plus I know a decent adult would agree to meet and talk it through, but what happened was selfish controlling behaviour. But I already deeply love this man. Argh.
My head knows lots of the answers, but my feelings and heart are stuck. And I know I am making a mountain out of a molehill at times, but when you think it was the guy you could have married, had kids with and many years ahead and then it's all gone it's awful.
Oh, and I already do voluntary work at my local hospital, which I've done since before meeting him. So yes I know what you mean about perspective. I'm on a rollcoaster with that sadly.
Whats worse is I am here spending all this time still over this, and he I believe is off with some other girl (who looks like just me too). My problem is I dont feel we tried properly, and him walked away abandoning me without talking it through enough for me. Miu, I think you are so right, he is that type of guy who will so quickly just ditch you and without emotional attachment just move on rapidly to the next one, not bothered about the trail of emotions he has left behind.
He has an ex-wife, and I know he said she was really distraught, but at the time I believed him when he said she had gone that way due to doing drugs. But now I'm not so sure, and wonder if it's due to this type of behaviour. Cause and effect, but I perhaps very naively believed him, though I was aware I'd never met her so didnt really know the full story.
And yes, i feel i am heading into "pathetic" region now, gosh I was never like this pre-him. I was so confident, very happy, strong, good self esteem, prettier - minus the bags under my eyes from crying over him! And yes, I cannot keep going on like this in this viscious circle. #Sigh#
Last edited by sunflower888; 05-23-2010 at 12:32 AM..
What the hell kind of advice are you giving her? THE WAY THIS degenerate treated her and shes supposed to go hunt him down like the Taliban to talk about feelings in a conversation over tea and triscuits?
Lol. If it was me, I wouldn't have gone to his house to talk about it over Triscuits and tea. More like, I would have gone to slash all four tires and burned down his house, j/k. What i'm trying to say is that I would have caused some mayhem.
But in her case, I know I shouldn't advise her to do that. I don't want her acting like a psycho, lol.
But I mean, I agree with you anyway, the guy isn't going to give her a positive answer. Perhaps there is something else she can do. If I went, I would end up having the cops get involved, but that's just me.
- I did this, but only by email, I should have gone in person at that time, I needed to for me. It's not fair for him to just go like that.
- I wasnt experienced or manipulative to realise I could just do like you suggest. I was too honest, plus it was a moments reaction thing.
I am so stuck, partly because I know I should have done things at that time, and didnt. I am so gutted now, and it's literally killing me. I love him, and I want to have done those things differently, but cant now, I never realised he's leave me over it, and he gave me no time to think about it too.
He's a jerk. He doesn't deserve another chance. He was using you, and its best to have that clear at all moments. You do love him, and that isn't a bad thing in itself. But you must develop some type of plan to get the things you want. You do not actually want this jerk, since you already know he is loathsome. But you probably still want something from him. Find out what that is, and develop a plan to get it. But remember, you are going to be the winner, not him. Be selfish.
You are in mourning over a complete fantasy. It wasn't a real love relationship. You weren't with him all that long. And there wasn't anything you could have done differently to "keep him".
And stop kicking yourself for thinking that you did something wrong. You were honest and just being yourself. And being yourself is always the right thing to do. And what it boils down to is that the two of you weren't right for each other.
He's a jerk and you're very lucky that you didn't waste anymore of your precious time with him.
And since he was the first man you had sex with, it's natural that you became so attached to him. But he's not the man you should be with for the rest of your life.
Make new friends and avoid any of the places that you used to hang out with on your dates with your ex. Snap out of it. If you feel empty and lonely, get a dog or a cat for company. Do not contact this guy as you are giving off vibes of being clingy and obsessed with him, and being that way will only make him want to avoid you. Men hate clingy doormat women.
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What i'm trying to say is that I would have caused some mayhem.
