Wife's father has died. Now there is family pressure to pay for fancy funeral and support her mother (business, money)
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Lost in the discussion so far is the demand by my wife's mother that we cover the cost of the missing Social Security check now that her husband is gone. I was told that he (the deceased) got a check of about $1500 a month and his wife got half of his check because she was mostly a housewife and mother and did not work much outside the home. (So getting half of his SS check was the best choice.) So they got about $2250 in SS combined. Now she will start getting his SS amount (about $1500) but as a household they will now be short about $750 because there will be only one check, not two.
It is unfortunate, but for so many elderly and aging women, they spent their lives as housewives and hence their Social Security benefit is less than if they worked full time and hired someone to take care of the various household responsibilities.
Your MIL's predicament is one repeated far too often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious Investor
... They stopped paying for the term life insurance a few years ago.
There is already a reverse mortgage on the house.
The most of other sisters are all working for under $10 an hour, so live paycheck to paycheck, so can't help. Another does not work at all.
So, they say it is our responsibility to pay for both the funeral related costs and send her a check for $750 a month from today forward.
Are your wife's family recent immigrants? Do they view this from the perspective of "that's how it we do it in the old country?"
At the end of the day, you may personally have to be the grownup in the room and say "NO."
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab
I had not seen my father in 17 year when he passed. I was contacted by my aunts and uncles to take care of everything and I did to an extent. I cleaned and packed up his home, took care of final arrangements, etc. I didn't pay for anything! I took money from his accounts to pay for cremation and to reimburse me for my time, gas and hotel. He lived 5 hours from me. I was not close to him at all and not in his life so I did it the cheapest way possible and I didn't care what others thought! If they wanted it done differently, then they could have paid for it.
I suggest you tell your wife that $20k is ridiculous! There needs to be a family meeting and your wife needs to tell her sisters what their share would cost. If they can't afford it, then your wife will pay the bare minimum. It's not fair that she pay 100% of the cost anyway! Just my honest opinion on the matter.
What did your aunts and uncles do when they discovered you didn't pay for anything? That's awesome. Why should you have paid ?
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
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It would be retarded to pay for anything. I would empty your guys' bank account and take control of the money until the dust settled and tell your wife none of your guys' money is being spent on it. Bottom line. Take control of the situation. Don't let yourself go broke by way of being nice.
Not your problem they didn't plan. Don't pay for their mistakes.
Just say no. You won't be paying for a big funeral.
If all the other siblings and Mom are truly too poor to pay much, I would certainly offer to pay 1/5 of the cost of a modest funeral. I feel that children do owe their parents, even though their childhoods may have been less than ideal.
Unless someone has already said so, a surviving wife gets either her own, or her husbands SS benefit, whichever is more. So your MIL will still get her husbands.
I'm just curious. What does a $20.000 funeral look like? I know there is an extra charge for a family car, but that much? For the LOML's we all drove our own cars. My kids wouldn't let me drive, so I rode with my son. One of my daughters rode with us. My other daughter and her husband drove theirs. It worked out great.
In my neck of the woods, friends donate food for after everything. We were lucky enough to have a bar/restaurant where my granddaughter works donate it for us to use. He even closed the bar. So there is no need to pay for everyone to have to eat. We did go out to a sports bar after the viewing, but it was only family and each paid their own.
I can understand the mom's reactions. I'm sure she's being pushed by the other daughters, and she is very vulnerable right now. I still go with the idea of checking into senior housing. Most of them go on a sliding scale for rent, and she will have plenty of people to make friends with that are probably in the same boat. Call your area Aid to the Aging, or whatever, for help.
Very fancy casket, limos and a huge dinner for one hundred of his closest friends and family at a local restaurant.
I'm just curious. What does a $20.000 funeral look like? I know there is an extra charge for a family car, but that much? For the LOML's we all drove our own cars. My kids wouldn't let me drive, so I rode with my son. One of my daughters rode with us. My other daughter and her husband drove theirs. It worked out great.
In my neck of the woods, friends donate food for after everything. We were lucky enough to have a bar/restaurant where my granddaughter works donate it for us to use. He even closed the bar. So there is no need to pay for everyone to have to eat. We did go out to a sports bar after the viewing, but it was only family and each paid their own.
I can understand the mom's reactions. I'm sure she's being pushed by the other daughters, and she is very vulnerable right now. I still go with the idea of checking into senior housing. Most of them go on a sliding scale for rent, and she will have plenty of people to make friends with that are probably in the same boat. Call your area Aid to the Aging, or whatever, for help.
When my MIL passed in 2010 her funeral and dinner for about 50 people was about $20K. She had pre-paid everything and I would have never guessed it could have been that expensive, but hub saw the bills. It was at a Catholic Church in Chicago, didn't seem over-the-top, the restaurant was not fancy at all, just a "mom & pop diner" type of place. That's when I decided once and for all (I had previously waffled) that cremation was the way to go. Either that, or I'll donate my body to a medical school.
This is such a difficult situation, one I have been in though thankfully my mother had her funeral arranged and paid for. $20K on a funeral for someone clearly living beyond their means is ridiculous. It sounds like they have cashed just about everything in to maintain the lifestyle to which they had become accustomed.
I think its time for the family to learn to live within their means this can start without the huge funeral or 100 person wake, if this is the case if you have the money they you might be gracious enough to pay the balance. As for funding mothers lifestyle, it needs to change, once it is changed then maybe you can offer a small monthly amount to keep her comfortable?
My mother in law and father in law both passed away within four months of each other last year. Their funerals, which were very nice but not pretentious, each came to about $10k. This large amount included very nice caskets and did not include the headstones, which ran about $3000 each.
My dad's funeral, even though he was cremated, came to about $11k. He had always made it very clear that he wanted a great funeral (he always said he'd rather go to a funeral than a wedding any day because funerals were so much more interesting). He would have LOVED his own funeral!
The difference between our situations and the OPs is that all of the above had saved up plenty of money, meaning that their own funerals were paid for out of their own savings. We did have to "front" the funds for my FIL's funeral but knew we would be reimbursed from the estate (which we were).
When we had to "front" that money, that gave us some say in the scope of the "festivities." We basically said we were good for $2500 and that was it. (It would be split four ways - sheeze, $10k ought to pay for a very good funeral, and it did.)
Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
To be frank, her family sound like a bunch of money grubbers. I like how just because you guys have money you are expected to pay for all of THEIR fancy desires. Screw that. Reminds me of my peers; all in their 30's and 40's making $15 an hour financially subsidized by their parents on rent, tuition, cars, weddings, EVERYTHING just because they are losers who never made it.
Meanwhile I have a high paying career and a lot of real estate, so I paid for my own tuition, car, etc. So because I'm successful I get to pay my own way and my family has their hands out for money all the time. Meanwhile the failures in life expect everyone else to pay their way.
I say just do what you can or what you feel is right. If your talking about had a reverse mortgage and dropped a term policy your talking of over letting go of upwards of maybe six figures.
As for the mother has anyone considered taking her in? If there is a RM on the home it looks like at the passing of the mother either you and your wife will lose the home or the bank is going to sell it. Just something else to consider.
20K? One other question. Would they do it for you? Do what you can...
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