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So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.
Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna
Let he know the fees for doing such and explaining you don't mind if she does, but she's got to show how bad she wants it by working for the fees...
You could stick with that unreasonable bit of stubbornness. Would you be happy and content to read "Eleanore" on her headstone for the rest of your life?
...
I like Eleanor because of Eleanor of Aquitaine, but it's not really a very nice name for a young woman in 2016. It's an old-lady name, like Myrtle or Bertha. She probably gets made fun of at school all the time.
I like Eleanor as well. Most young women I know with that name are opting for nicknames like Len/Lennny, or Nora. I even know one that goes by "Nonie".
Well, OP, since you yourself are not so hot on insisting therapy, what's your plan of action? You have a severe communication problem if you can't even get her to explain why the other name, though you clearly not liking the name isn't helping.
You can force her to go to the therapist as a parent. It doesn't matter if she pitches a fit or calls you an effing *****. This girl has serious mental issues to be threatening SUICIDE as manipulation.
And it's not about her not liking her name. There is something else underlying this.
But if you're not going to take her to a psychiatrist, then the next time she pulls the knife, you need to call the police and report a suicide threat. They will take her to a facility for 72 hour observation.
Yes, it will be hard, embarrassing and all the rest. This is what needs to be done though as a caring parent.
Do you have a difficult time with your daughter's maturing in other areas? Does the idea of her no longer being your little girl make you resentful or sad? Do you try to hang onto her by keeping a close eye and sometimes control over her activities, friends, and choices? Do you compare her with her older sister or others in your family?
I'm actually quite lenient as a parent. I understand she's growing up and I'm certainly not melancholic towards the fact she's becoming more independent. I understand that. I really don't keep a close eye on her activities either. My only issue with her has been with her boyfriend; I keep on trying to stress that she should wait until she's 18 and older to get intimate with him, or frankly any guy, because at this age you really don't know what you're doing and it could result to so many problems. I got pregnant with my eldest daughter when I was 17 and I've told her I don't want her making the same mistake. But of course, lo and behold, she keeps on acting out and ignoring me.
My eldest daughter was way, way more stable in her teenage years. She got fantastic grades, she was studious, she listened to me, and all that payed off when she got into Cornell and later into Wharton. I'm extremely proud of what she's accomplished judging by the fact I raised her as a teenage mom, and yes sometimes I do tell Ellie she needs to be more like her but that's because 1) She never studies and is getting below average grades and 2) Because she keeps on defying me and doing whatever she wants. Maybe their difference in personalities has to do with the fact they have different fathers, I don't know. But all in all yes sometimes I do want Ellie to look at her as an inspiration.
You could stick with that unreasonable bit of stubbornness. Would you be happy and content to read "Eleanore" on her headstone for the rest of your life?
For God's sake, woman, the idea that a NAME is so much more important to you than anything else is mystifying to most of us who are reading this.
Other people have done this for different reasons. I know a woman whose name was Merowyn. Her mother is Wiccan and gave her a Celtic name. She hated it. She changed it to a very ordinary name as an adult.
I have a friend whose name was Mark who became a Benedictine monk and changed his name to Justin.
I like Eleanor because of Eleanor of Aquitaine, but it's not really a very nice name for a young woman in 2016. It's an old-lady name, like Myrtle or Bertha. She probably gets made fun of at school all the time.
Well yes but nobody there calls her Eleanore everyone calls her Ellie. That was the whole point of giving her the nickname. I called her that because of her grandmother. That name holds sentimental value.
I like Eleanor because of Eleanor of Aquitaine, but it's not really a very nice name for a young woman in 2016. It's an old-lady name, like Myrtle or Bertha. She probably gets made fun of at school all the time.
I doubt it. The popularity of Eleanor has been rising steadily since the 1980s. It's now the 60th most popular name for baby girls. Teens sense these trends more readily than us older people--Eleanor may sound "old lady" to you, but not to them, I assure you. I personally think Hazel and Sadie sound pretty ancient, but they're as popular as Eleanor.
Whatever is going on here, I don't think it's being teased for having an old lady name.
She really hasn't shown any signs of wanting to run away, no. I don't think she'd be able to either, her whole life she's gotten everything handed to her on a silver platter and to be frank, I think I'm starting to agree with the people saying I need to be stricter and take her to a therapist whether she likes it or not. I think it's the only way. However, I don't know how productive it's going to be. I'll certainly try though.
My husband and I divorced when she was 8, it was a long time ago, she's turning 16 this month. I'm pretty sure that isn't why. He hasn't been in the picture in a very long time. I mean I hope it has nothing to do with changing her name because re-naming my child Spencer Valeria is something I'm never going to get used to. You're telling me it'd be easy for you to call your child something completely different than what you've been used to?
Just because she was 8 when you divorced doesn't mean that it hasn't affected her immensely. This is a cumulative effect, her behavior. I do think that you need to be strict in this situation and get her talking with someone. It's for her benefit though she may not see it that way now. I would definitely take my kid to a therapist if suicide threats were on the table. It may be manipulation, but it may not be. I wouldn't take the chance. Good luck to you and your daughter.
I doubt it. The popularity of Eleanor has been rising steadily since the 1980s. It's now the 60th most popular name for baby girls. Teens sense these trends more readily than us older people--Eleanor may sound "old lady" to you, but not to them, I assure you. I personally think Hazel and Sadie sound pretty ancient, but they're as popular as Eleanor.
Whatever is going on here, I don't think it's being teased for having an old lady name.
Again, nobody calls her Eleanore. Everybody calls her Ellie. Some people don't even know her actual name is Eleanore. But as far as I know she's never received any sort of bullying for her name, honestly. She's not really the type who gets bullied. At least I think.
Well yes but nobody there calls her Eleanore everyone calls her Ellie. That was the whole point of giving her the nickname. I called her that because of her grandmother. That name holds sentimental value.
For YOU, but not for her, apparently. My daughter had an old-fashioned, unusual name also, named for my MIL who died when I was pregnant. She didn't like it, and she didn't like her last name, which I dumped when I divorced her father because it really is a stupid sounding last name that opens to mocking, lol, but I told her that when she turned 18, she could change her name to anything she wanted, but not before.
By the time she was 18, she realized it was cool to be the only girl in the entire school system with the name she had, and on her facebook she dumps the last name and goes by her first and middle names. And then lo and behold, along comes a famous singer who has the same name, and now when she goes to Starbucks and gives her name, all the baristas reply, "Hello!"
This is really not a hill to die on. Let your daughter call herself whatever she wants. And stop comparing her to her sister and telling her she should be more like her. It doesn't help, and it will only drive a wedge between your two daughters. Someday you will be gone, and if they don't have a relationship because you pitted one against the other, it will be a great loss to them.
The glaringly obvious base problem here is that you don't accept your daughter for who she is but would rather have her turn into some fantasy of who you think she should be. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
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