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Lastly, I agree with everyone who said that if the OP were a man, he'd be lambasted a lot more. Some people here are def. hypocrites.
I agree to a certain extent. But in this case, I think people are sympathetic to the situation which led up to the cheating. I don't think most people approve of the cheating.
Seriously, cheating is the worst thing you can do to anyone. If you don't have trust and faith in a relationship...what do you have?
I agree to a certain extent. But in this case, I think people are sympathetic to the situation which led up to the cheating. I don't think most people approve of the cheating.
Seriously, cheating is the worst thing you can do to anyone. If you don't have trust and faith in a relationship...what do you have?
I too am sympathetic to the situation but nothing excuses cheating, I agree. The OP has already said she should have left first, so that is good, but then she goes on to bash the ex more, in essence defending the action. She had every right to leave him much earlier. I do understand making that decision must be very hard and I don't blame her for that. But I can't condone cheating either.
I agree with you about the daughter. I think it is wrong for her to not to even try to understand her mom's situation, but then use her as a sitter. People make mistakes and when it's your parent I think you should at least try to hear them out. After all this daughter isn't a child, she was grown and out of the house. Everyone messed up here.
As for the gender reversal, to clarify (to everyone), I don't mean to say people defending her are "against men" or anything (fyi, I am a woman). But I feel like in similar threads where men cheat on their wives, they are criticized a lot more. Of course there are other situations where the double standard negatively affects women too. Unfortunately I don't have hard evidence to give proving all this so take it as kind of an opinion of mine. I'm personally always on the watch for unfairness toward genders. I don't think anyone can truly be unbiased since we relate more to our gender, but we can try.
Last edited by savoytruffle; 09-30-2016 at 01:42 PM..
As for the gender reversal, to clarify (to everyone), I don't mean to say people defending her are "against men" or anything (fyi, I am a woman). But I feel like in similar threads where men cheat on their wives, they are criticized a lot more.
Not agreeing or disagreeing with what I am about to say, but I think a lot of people assume when men cheat it is for superficial reasons; like sex or ego. So they tend to get bashed more for it.
Personally I think all parties are wrong in this situation --
1. The mother, for cheating. People are actually defending being unfaithful in a relationship? Really? I would honestly understand the OP more if she didn't keep going on about how horrible her ex was in the thread. So yeah maybe he was a lowlife and a bad husband. Seems like there's truth to that. But I guarantee she's saying this to her daughters as well, especially if she's telling us strangers. Unless the dad was a total POS, I doubt the daughters care to hear her speak of their dad this way. Maybe he was a better dad than a husband, and the middle daughter is sick of hearing vitriol spoken about him.
2. The middle daughter, for not even trying to understand her mom's side and for using her mom as a babysitter when it was convenient for her. She has every right to be upset about the cheating and to defend her dad, but she is inconsistent about this. It seems like she used her mom when it worked out and then turned on her when she didn't need her anymore. That makes the whole "hate" reason seem quite disingenuous.
3. The father, for not trying to get a job for 18 years. And I bet he is doing his own fair share of talking bad about his ex-wife as well.
I think these people are totally dysfunctional. From the OP's tone of her posts to the middle daughter's issues and dad's actions...everyone is screwed up and at fault here. I think, if the OP REALLY wants it, there should be a meeting between these three, perhaps with a mediator, to hash out all these issues.
Lastly, I agree with everyone who said that if the OP were a man, he'd be lambasted a lot more. Some people here are def. hypocrites.
Yes, co-dependency at it's finest and the OP is just as much a culprit as everyone else in the family.
The OP would be well advised to seek out Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings or get some therapy for her co-dependency issues.
Yes, co-dependency at it's finest and the OP is just as much a culprit as everyone else in the family.
The OP would be well advised to seek out Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings or get some therapy for her co-dependency issues.
What I was always told was that both parties are responsible for the condition of the marriage, but each party is solely responsible for their reaction to those conditions.
The marriage was miserable but it took two of them to make it that way. He avoided action after his setback (maybe some depression was at work?) and she drifted past being supportive to just plain enabling his desire to stagnate and not face his problems. In the process, they taught at least one daughter (the one mad at her right now) to go out and replicate the same dynamic in her relationships. The OP said she's hard working and has ended up propping up a series of lazy loser boyfriends. The daughter also blames everyone else for her problems. I wonder where she got those traits from?
She and her ex-husband made the bad situation together, but only one reacted by stepping outside the marriage. The OP. It's not her ex-husband's fault she didn't put an end to what was making her miserable earlier. It's not his fault that she went behind his back instead of being honest. She didn't want to actually leave him because she was stuck on "saving" him, perpetuating the notion that he "needed" her to "take care" of him. She chose to do that for years even though he was not being a nice guy towards her. She resented him for the consequences of choices she was ultimately making - staying with a miserable unsupportive lazy partner. So she felt justified in going behind his back to "find happiness" while still playing savior. And it all blew up.
That said I totally get how easy it is to see yourself as victim in these circumstances and if her account is true, he certainly deserved to be left. We've all been guilty of not seeing the forest for the trees at some point in life, so I feel for everyone involved really.
Not insensitive or cruel, but a truthful response.
She DID choose to have an affair (while married and with kids in the house), and we DO suffer the consequences of our actions.
"After the girls all moved out and had lives for themselves I started becoming very lonely as my girls were all gone now".
In the very first post the OP said that the children were adults and gone from the home before she had an affair.
After all it was 17 or 18 years after he was injured which appeared to be after all three children were born (she never said their ages at the time, only that he was 40 years old when he was injured).
I could have sworn the age to post on this site was 18-my mistake
That's a valid question. You should think about the longterm when marrying.
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