My daughter hates me after an affair and divorce her father (raising, dad)
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Personally I don't get how this thread became all about infidelity. The OP wanted help with reaching her daughter, and how not to lose her beloved grandson. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see where she asked to be judged on what she freely admitted and regrets.
Young people tend to see the world in black and white, and miss all the shades of grey. As your daughter gets older, and experiences disappointments of her own, she will probably come to understand what kind of position you were in.
You saw this marriage through the girls growing up, with precious little help from your husband, who decided to become a victim. When your daughters became adults, and had lives of their own, you had done your job towards your children. You provided them with a stable home and launched them into the world. You carried the marriage on your shoulders for years for their sake.
It's easy for others to point a finger and say, "Oh, you horrible adulteress! How could you do that!" From my point of view, it wasn't much of a marriage. He got to stay home and lay around like a lazy bum without even trying to do anything to help provide for his family, and then he got his feelings butthurt when you found someone who treated you like a woman instead of a paycheck. You didn't kill this marriage -- he did. You just gave it a funeral. But it's hard for a child to be non-judgmental when it comes to her parents.
I'm sorry your daughter has taken this position, but eventually, she will learn, because unless that leopard has grown new spots, she's going to realize sooner or later that she is in the same position you were in -- doing all the work, all the responsibility, and very little emotional, financial or physical support. The only thing you can do is keep the door open.
Affairs hurt everyone involved including the children no matter how old they are. I agree, you made that choice based on your needs and unfortunately others suffered as a result and now you are faced with the aftermath and consequences. In this case there are no winners. Grow up and deal with it and learn from your mistakes like an adult. All choices have repricussions, an affair for no matter what reason is no different. You seriously expected anything less? Denial is a river in Egypt... I am a spouse who was cheated on I have forgiven, but I do not allow the cheater to hurt me further or to be a part of my life. Other relationships are the individuals responsibilty not mine and they are left to reconcile or not...their choices, their cross to bear not mine, I did nothing wrong. Stop living in never, never land. Not everything ends in life with "happily ever after" although I do wish you and yours the best.
Having spent 33 years of my life counseling children like your daughter because of actions like yours, I'm afraid that I don't have a great deal of sympathy for you. You made your bed, and now for better or worse, you have to sleep in it. There were other options that would have been more supportive of your daughter.
You are permitted to look after yourself all you want. But when you do something, there is always the potential for adverse consequences. An affair has a high potential for adverse consequences. At the end of the day, the woman cheated on her daughters father, simple and plain. The daughter is going to react to that, simple and plain. OP is just mad at her daughter's reaction.
The husband reaped what he sowed. His consequences for sitting around and blaming other people for his situation and doing nothing about it was having a wife who found someone else, a divorce, and no more house.
The daughter will soon reap what she is sowing also.
She should have extended that character by doing the right order and filing for divorce first THEN startling her new relationship. That would have been a better look as far as the daughter is concerned.
Her marriage was already over. She was just his servant. Getting the divorce was just a technicality. Before or after she found someone else... doesn't matter.
My first wife died after a very long marriage. I remarried. My 3 children do not acknowledge my "new" wife. My second wife has been nothing but kind to them. My loyalty is 100% to her. I took vows accordingly.
1. Their problem. Not mine.
2. I will not chase after my children.
3. Good luck when the will is read guys. I do not reward ill manners.
I say to anyone, DO NOT waste your precious time, energy and emotional health on children who somehow do not respect you nor care about you as their parent.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slyfox2
Having spent 33 years of my life counseling children like your daughter because of actions like yours, I'm afraid that I don't have a great deal of sympathy for you. You made your bed, and now for better or worse, you have to sleep in it. There were other options that would have been more supportive of your daughter.
How is it that two of the three Adult kids are ok with the situation? There is only the one that is not.
OP, we can't tell you magic words that make everything ok again. The past is exactly that. We cannot change how we would have done things had we the knowledge we have now.
Your daughter may or may not forgive you. Only time will tell. You do have the option of Grandparents rights, if you want to make sure you see your grandchild.
I cannot and will not judge people. That's not my place. I have not walked in your shoes.
I wish you the best and hope you reunite with your grandchild.
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