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I understand why you got involved with someone else, but that doesn't excuse it. You know you had a duty to split with your husband before having an affair, knowing how you felt about him. That is what caused the most hurt.
^
My life has had its ups and downs being married. I have always said I would never have an affair because it would disappoint my sons. I would never do anything to lose their respect. My happiness does not trump their respect.
Society has gotten soft and now we're noticing the disasters that are stemming from it: poor decisions, drug use, welfare abuse, young girls having babies with losers and thugs, increased crime, violence, kids not caring about school, broken homes, the lack of work-ethic, etc., etc.
Granted these problems had always been around....but in older times people actually had to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Now that society and government transfer payments backstop and subsidize bad choices is it any wonder why people are making them more and more?
You wonder why there's so many broken homes? It's because the government makes it both legally and financially easy for women to divorce their husbands, with or without affairs; and with society voicing little condemnation we're only going to see more broken homes or people simply opting not to have families at all (as is the case with much of the millennial generation).
Society needs to get tougher on B.S. We need some backbone. Heck, even our military has gotten too soft: too many waivers, too many free passes, too much "tolerance" for nonsense. I want to live in a society where we have tough moms and dads who rein their kids in and teach them to do well in life, I also want families to stick together even through the tough times, I want people who know how to show up to work on time and actually work while there there. That's what we need to get back to.
Harsh? It's doubtful too many Americans know what "harsh" actually is, but we will no doubt get their via our own stupidity once the gravy train starts running dry.
I have no idea what you're blathering on about, or how it pertains to the OP. Perhaps you meant to post in the POC forum.
The OP did not initiate a broken home, merely ended a broken marriage.
From what you wrote, it sounds like you were both mother and father for the family. Although your ex was there physically, seems he checked out as being head of the household for the family by hiding behind his wife and sending her out into the work force without giving her any back up, and on top of that treating her like a slave. You were the breadwinner for the family and paid for that house, it wasn't given to you as a consolation prize.
Your ex sounds like an abuser without a backbone to stand like a man and is most likely a manipulator. I am sorry about your daughter however you sound like a saint and are entitled to enjoy your life. I think at this point all you can do is live your life as you choose to whether your daughter wants to be a part of it or not. It's a shame that she is using the baby as a pawn and therefore missing out on spending time with grandma.
Her bad choices are not your fault, she is making a choice to behave a certain way and then doesn't like the consequences. Just continue being you and maybe one day, your daughter will see him for who he truly is and want to change her own life.
OP, if your daughter wants to choose sides, there's nothing you can do but be there for her. Taking your precious grandson away from you is criminal, shame on her. It'd be nice if the other two girls would have a talk to her. I'd tell her that maybe you hurt her as an ADULT, but you didn't when she was a child like she is doing to her own son now. I hate when people use their own child as a pawn to hurt others, esp. grand parents. They don't realize they're taking a loving grandparent from their child, who is the real victim here.
Kids need as many loving people is their life as they can get. That's what makes them well rounded, secure adults. And if your ex would stop thinking about himself instead of his grandson, he'd push her to let you see him. This tells me all I need to know about your ex & daughter. Revenge is their game. Sorry this happened OP and I hope she grows up soon.
Society has gotten soft and now we're noticing the disasters that are stemming from it: poor decisions, drug use, welfare abuse, young girls having babies with losers and thugs, increased crime, violence, kids not caring about school, broken homes, the lack of work-ethic, etc., etc.
Granted these problems had always been around....but in older times people actually had to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Now that society and government transfer payments backstop and subsidize bad choices is it any wonder why people are making them more and more?
You wonder why there's so many broken homes? It's because the government makes it both legally and financially easy for women to divorce their husbands, with or without affairs; and with society voicing little condemnation we're only going to see more broken homes or people simply opting not to have families at all (as is the case with much of the millennial generation).
Society needs to get tougher on B.S. We need some backbone. Heck, even our military has gotten too soft: too many waivers, too many free passes, too much "tolerance" for nonsense. I want to live in a society where we have tough moms and dads who rein their kids in and teach them to do well in life, I also want families to stick together even through the tough times, I want people who know how to show up to work on time and actually work while there there. That's what we need to get back to.
Harsh? It's doubtful too many Americans know what "harsh" actually is, but we will no doubt get their via our own stupidity once the gravy train starts running dry.
In the "good old days", husbands had mistresses and everyone looked the other way.
By your "tough" reasoning, the husband was at fault for breaking up the family by divorcing his wife. He should have stuck by her to keep the family together.
There's not a single excuse you can give that will make this better. If you were that unhappy, you should have told your husband and divorced him. Period.
Then you took the house from him, even though you have a job and could pay for another one, so now your ex has to live with his daughter because he can't afford it on his own. So now her life has been impacted by your affair.
And yet the only thing you can think of to do is bad-mouth your daughter?
Now wonder she wants nothing to do with you.
There is no reason she should have to get another house. The reason she has a job and could pay for another one is because she's worked her ass off for 18 years paying for the first one. That does not mean he gets a free pass to keep something he couldn't be bothered to even clean, or mow the grass, or shovel the snow for - until it pleased him to do so. The only time he bothered was when he thought it would help him keep it, because prior to that he was happily riding the gravy train. And he responds with, "I'm a man, I can do anything"? lol.. he's so far from being a "man" it's not even funny. That's sub-human territory. The judge apparently thought the same, because even after he showed he was capable, OP was still awarded the house.
Then we have (not going to quote) those who want to blame things like this on "third wave feminism" because everything is always the woman's fault, yes? Doubting her story or saying it doesn't matter that her spouse treated her terribly. And if he did, she should have either sucked it up or "stopped being an enabler." When does honoring your marriage vows become enabling? When does being compassionate and empathetic become enabling?
Pitt Chick* even described how she was in a similar circumstance, however it was very different because she did not take advantage of her spouse. Yes, there are ups and downs and depression and everything that goes along with tragedy and illness - but she did not make him do everything for 18 years when she could have helped. Huge difference. I've known couples who have gone through the same and they stuck with their partner through hell and back - supported them, cleaned them, took care of them. It's not enabling - it's caring. There is usually love in a marriage and it's natural to want to take care of your spouse when they are hurt. And it's also hard to see beyond the fact they are hurt when you're trying to make sure the mortgage gets paid and there is food on the table.
I do agree with cheating never being an answer. At the very least, it drops one down to the other person's level, and it's best to avoid that if possible (by the way - just hanging out with someone, no matter how loved you feel in their presence, isn't "cheating" - physical contact outside of a hug, yes). But if one partner takes advantage of the other like that? Doesn't matter if it's the woman or the man doing it. That is completely different from Pitt Chick's marriage of mutual effort - OP's marriage was already over. If OP's story is true, her ex had no reasonable expectation of fidelity or any other benefit from that "marriage". He took full advantage of her, and he reaped what he sowed. You cannot s&$! on someone for 18 years and expect them to continue to treat you with dignity or respect.
In any case, what it boils down to is this: what other people think of us is really none of our business. It's worthless to dwell on because it's something we cannot change - and we are not responsible for what anyone else has in their heads. That includes the OP's daughter, her ex, even the people here (especially Mr. Third-Wave-Feminism).
What we learn from our own mistakes, how we own up to and fix things we have broken, are important to how we grow as human beings - but it is not up to anyone else on this planet to tell OP how to do so. OP has her own morality and so has owned what she feels is her mistake, and the only thing to do with it now is learn from it, or whatever she chooses to do with it - for her, not for anyone else. If the daughter grows up enough to be able to see both sides, then she may learn to have some empathy for Mom (especially if Dad slips back into requiring everything be done for him - that could be a nice rude eye-opener). If she doesn't, then she doesn't. I'd say good riddance, except for the grandson losing out on a loving grandparent. [If that continues, and she continues to be a hateful human being who makes bad choices, that could put her son in different kinds of danger. It might be worth looking into getting custody, especially since he will have needs that the daughter looks to be too selfish to fulfill.]
Everyone here has made bad choices. How we carry on, and learn and grow, from those is what matters. Hell, the ex may pull his head out and realize what he's done to his wife and to his marriage. That would take some mighty serious reflection that many are not capable of, but it's certainly possible.
*Didn't mean to single you out Pitt Chick - just wanted to point out the difference between the marriages (you being the injured one, still willing to help where you could and you both going through so much, but coming through it together) and the OP's (he never lifted a finger then still tried to take the house away even though he had not helped with its care for 18 years even when he could & should have - not a mutual effort).
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmarie123
I couldn't care less if my mother cheated on my father. I don't understand why I would be mad at her?? Help me understand this. How does a mother, cheating on a father, wrong a child? Yes, it breaks up the child's parent's marriage, but it is not an affront or an insult to the child. Divorcing the dad first doesn't change the end result.
It is none of my business who my mother sleeps with. None at all. She could be banging the entire state, and it would not be my place to get mad.
I am truly at a loss as to how a child can treat a mother this way.
Vile.
If my mother cheated on my father, for the record my father was a jack, that would show me something about her character. It would show me that she is capable of shoving aside the best interests of those close to her to get what she wants, no matter the damage. What's to say she wouldn't do this at other more critical times? There would be mistrust there and, from experience, you tend to don't want to be too close to people you have to question if you can trust.
If my mother cheated on my father, for the record my father was a jack, that would show me something about her character. It would show me that she is capable of shoving aside the best interests of those close to her to get what she wants, no matter the damage. What's to say she wouldn't do this at other more critical times? There would be mistrust there and, from experience, you tend to don't want to be too close to people you have to question if you can trust.
And who's best interest would that be? The kids were grown and gone. At what point is one permitted to look after themselves? Particularly when no one else us stepping up to look after your best interest.
It sure isn't screwing another guy while you are married.
No, of course not. But neither is it sitting on your ass for 18 years while your spouse works 2+ jobs to keep the family afloat because you're pouting about having to change careers. How does that fit in with marriage vows? It doesn't. I'd argue his actions (or lack thereof) were equally detrimental.
Both are wrong and both are water under the bridge at this point. At some point, everyone deserves to find some happiness.
The post I was responding to called her selfish for not considering how her actions impacted those close to her. I still don't know who was "close to her" that her actions detrimentally affected? Certainly not her husband.
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, that would show me something about her character. It would show me that she is capable of shoving aside the best interests of those close to her to get what she wants, no matter the damage. What's to say she wouldn't do this at other more critical times? There would be mistrust there and, from experience, you tend to don't want to be too close to people you have to question if you can trust.
