My daughter hates me after an affair and divorce her father (legally, babies)
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I'm not a fan of infidelity but one size does not fit all and there are times when it's justifiable. Honestly I think you did the best that you could with a very difficult situation. I do however think that you could have handled the situation with your husband in a more constructive way. You enabled him to give up and to totally depend on you. What's done is done now and you can't go back.
I worked with a very fine young man whose wife cheated on him. They were going through a divorce, yet he would never cheat on her. He waited until the divorce was final before he had a physical relationship with another woman. I so admired his strong moral fiber.
I think I would have followed in his footsteps and gotten a divorce before having an extra marital affair. I just don't have the conscience for sneaking around like that. I do understand that you wanted to take care of your family and your damaged husband. Yes he was physically damaged and I'm sure you felt a moral obligation to take care of him.
You also can't help who you love and are physically attracted to. You deserve to be loved and have that physical release. I think honesty is the best policy and you should have talked to your husband about how your feelings have changed and that you need something more. I would have told him that he has 6 months to find a job and then I would be filing for divorce. Once the papers were filed I would feel free to do whatever I wanted.
You became emotionally divorced when you entered into the affair, and that's not fair to the person who was kept in the dark. It's very hurtful and your estranged daughter can't see the whole picture right now. She just sees a devastated father. You can't force someone to love you, be your friend, or want you in their life, even your own flesh and blood. You have chosen a happier path to walk down, and really, who could blame you? Congrats on your new life. Is it perfect? No and it never will be? No, just like everybody else. Do your best to focus on the happy part.
There are always three sides to the story. We got one. Generally, relationships that end like this usually ended long before the actual divorce due to lack of communication and the build up of anger.
One thing you must remember is that if you find yourself in this situation:
1. Kids that grew up in it saw everything going on and it will impact them
2. Just because you can list a bunch of "bad" things doesn't justify anything you do yourself that is bad
3. If you end a relationship with infidelity, there is very little justification or excuse for that and regardless of the situation there are going to be people that will nail you to the wall because of it. Rightfully so. At least have the balls to end it before you go and shag some other person.
It's like being in a bad work environment. You could quit and move on. You could also burn every bridge in the office and walk out looking like an a$$ hole. Well when you start cheating on people you end up looking exactly like that.
I think for your daughter, she sees x years of you and your ex together. She lived through it, just like you did. What she grew up in was "normal" for her. Then that normal was destroyed. She doesn't see it as the straw that breaks the camels back. She sees it as you destroying it by cheating.
That is going to cause anger in even the best of people.
"After the girls all moved out and had lives for themselves I started becoming very lonely as my girls were all gone now".
In the very first post the OP said that the children were adults and gone from the home before she had an affair.
After all it was 17 or 18 years after he was injured which appeared to be after all three children were born (she never said their ages at the time, only that he was 40 years old when he was injured).
Quote:
Originally Posted by aridon
There are always three sides to the story. We got one. Generally, relationships that end like this usually ended long before the actual divorce due to lack of communication and the build up of anger.
One thing you must remember is that if you find yourself in this situation:
1. Kids that grew up in it saw everything going on and it will impact them
2. Just because you can list a bunch of "bad" things doesn't justify anything you do yourself that is bad
3. If you end a relationship with infidelity, there is very little justification or excuse for that and regardless of the situation there are going to be people that will nail you to the wall because of it. Rightfully so. At least have the balls to end it before you go and shag some other person.
It's like being in a bad work environment. You could quit and move on. You could also burn every bridge in the office and walk out looking like an a$$ hole. Well when you start cheating on people you end up looking exactly like that.
I think for your daughter, she sees x years of you and your ex together. She lived through it, just like you did. What she grew up in was "normal" for her. Then that normal was destroyed. She doesn't see it as the straw that breaks the camels back. She sees it as you destroying it by cheating.
That is going to cause anger in even the best of people.
It is hard to believe how many people feel that the life of an adult women in her 20s is destroyed because her mother had an affair AFTER all of her children, including that adult child, had left home and had lives of their own.
It sort of reminds me of that old joke where the 90 year old couple were filling for divorce. The judge was surprised and asked "Why are you getting a divorce at your age?" and they both respond "We wanted to wait to get a divorce until all of our children had died so they would not come from a broken home".
It is hard to believe how many people feel that the life of an adult women in her 20s is destroyed because her mother had an affair AFTER all of her children, including that adult child, had left home and had lives of their own.
It sure is. It's also puzzling how so many posters fail to recognize that the OP was willing to stay with, and wait on, her husband forever. He initiated the divorce. Now the gig is up, and she realizes he was not quite as disabled as he pretended to be. She owes him nothing.
In fairness to the OP, I don't think she posted looking for anything more than how to reconcile with her daughter. So, to return to that, I don't think anything will help until her daughter tires of waiting on her father.
You also can't help who you love and are physically attracted to. You deserve to be loved and have that physical release. I think honesty is the best policy and you should have talked to your husband about how your feelings have changed and that you need something more. I would have told him that he has 6 months to find a job and then I would be filing for divorce. Once the papers were filed I would feel free to do whatever I wanted.
It sure is. It's also puzzling how so many posters fail to recognize that the OP was willing to stay with, and wait on, her husband forever. He initiated the divorce. Now the gig is up, and she realizes he was not quite as disabled as he pretended to be. She owes him nothing.
In fairness to the OP, I don't think she posted looking for anything more than how to reconcile with her daughter. So, to return to that, I don't think anything will help until her daughter tires of waiting on her father.
Eh. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in her shoes (stick it out in order to raise my kids with their dad, the man I married for love, and slipped into enabling him in the process without realizing) but the point is once you realize your situation sucks and is unlikely to change, and you stay anyway, it's still your choice YOU made. Just because all your options sucked at the time doesn't mean you're not responsible for owning your decision. She still resents the hell out him by the tone of her original post and still largely sees herself as the victim whose actions were justified. But she *chose* to stay with him for years doing everything herself. It's not all on him.
Eh. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in her shoes (stick it out in order to raise my kids with their dad, the man I married for love, and slipped into enabling him in the process without realizing) but the point is once you realize your situation sucks and is unlikely to change, and you stay anyway, it's still your choice YOU made. Just because all your options sucked at the time doesn't mean you're not responsible for owning your decision. She still resents the hell out him by the tone of her original post and still largely sees herself as the victim whose actions were justified. But she *chose* to stay with him for years doing everything herself. It's not all on him.
Except it is. He didn't make his true abilities known until he had to prove he could maintain a home.
Why shouldn't she resent him? He played on her feelings of obligation for 16 yrs.
I couldn't care less if my mother cheated on my father. I don't understand why I would be mad at her?? Help me understand this. How does a mother, cheating on a father, wrong a child? Yes, it breaks up the child's parent's marriage, but it is not an affront or an insult to the child. Divorcing the dad first doesn't change the end result.
It is none of my business who my mother sleeps with. None at all. She could be banging the entire state, and it would not be my place to get mad.
I am truly at a loss as to how a child can treat a mother this way.
Also, I am divorced and remarried. I didn't know I wanted to be divorced until I met my current husband. It was like lightning the moment I met him. I fell in love in the first conversation we had at work. I told my husband within days that I met another man and might want to get divorced. I didn't physically cheat, but the fact that I was able to have feelings for another man is what TOLD me my marriage was over. If I could feel that way about someone I just met, then my marriage wasn't honest, it was over. Prior to meeting my 2nd husband, I didn't know my first marriage was failing, or that I was not in love with my husband. It's possible that something like this happened to the OP. The new man was the catalyst for realizing her marriage was over....meaning she couldn't divorce her husband first. Sometimes, we don't realize how unhappy we are.
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