Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,874 times
Reputation: 1525
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
Refusing a date is not ghosting someone or dumping them, since there was never anything to begin with.
Well, I'm talking about the type of rejection that involves someone a person has dated for a spell - whether that was a few weeks, a few months or longer.
But, rejecting someone that a person has literally just met (or they have NEVER met them but wrote DMs to them on OLD) should be done swiftly and as simple as possible.
Quote:
Also, a rejection doesn't mean there is something wrong with the person, so they may not need "constructive criticism".
I used to take rejection very personally like the type of "you're ugly, get the hell away from me" type of personally.
If I mustered up the confidence to approach a girl and she replied like that, I’d tell her off. Some people are too full of themselves and need to be humbled.
If I just met the dude and I express I'm not interested, he's not owed any other explanation besides that.
If we had been dating for a while, then I would feel more obligated to tell him what's up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
Actually, it's very tactful just to tell someone you're not interested, no chemistry and leave it at that. No further explanation needed. Lengthy explanations are for people who have actually been involved in a relationship.
Precisely.
I wasn't about to offer an explanation of non-interest to every dude who hit me up for my digits, sent a message, approached me, etc. And a "we're not compatible" is just fine if there's no reason to delve further. Even then, it's not uncommon to be hit with verbal diarrhea due to bitterness and upset.
How many men also give explanations to every woman they turn down or ignore? Just accept that you're not a good fit for x, y or z and move along.
Rando from OK Cupid who sends me some lame come-on and nothing in our profiles indicates we'd be compatible or even fun together, but hey he figures "she checked the casual sex button, so she'll bang any guy! I'm gonna git some!" I owe that man zero explanation as to why I won't talk to him or date him. My first negative response will be a polite "No thanks" but if he persists, he's either getting blocked and ignored, or completely messed with for my entertainment in ridiculous and possibly insulting ways.
Any man who sees the "casual sex" line item, and thinks "ooh ooh, I'mma get laid" is naive at best, and a moron at worst. Like I said earlier, it's not 1997 anymore. The true, non-Disney information is out there and publicly accessible. Which means a man is supposed to know, that when a woman wants "casual sex", she wants it with the top 20% of men, not with some average frustrated chump. There is no excuse for not knowing that. And if a man still doesn't know, he deserves being rejected, messed with, and whatever else gets thrown his way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
A lot of the time, I've actually developed enough of a friendship with them, and I can tell that a relationship actually wouldn't work out well between us for very long, and that in the end I will have nothing. No partner and no friend, just a few good memories, another name on the list of sex partners, and the stress of somebody's heart getting broken. So when I say, "I don't want to screw up our friendship because I value it," I freaking mean it. Guys never want to believe that, but it is true.
You know, believe it or not, there were times where I said this to a woman . At my age (34), I have no interest in sex, like at all. Not in a monastic "I'm too spiritual for it" kind of way. More like "the return it gives isn't worth the investment it requires" kind of way. Like traveling to New Zealand or learning Korean. But a good friendship is something that should be cherished, no matter what age you are.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 11-02-2017 at 08:26 PM..
Well, I'm talking about the type of rejection that involves someone a person has dated for a spell - whether that was a few weeks, a few months or longer.
That's different. That's a break-up. So yes, I'd explain to someone why I wanted to break up a relationship.
I wouldn't give a reason if someone asked me on a date and wanted to know why I said no.
Was back in the states recently and was out downtown. An overweight woman with a cute face came up to me and was aggressively trying to get me to come dance with her. I politely declined more than once and when it was finally clear that I wasn't interested, she threw a minor tantrum. Accused me of being gay, douchebag, the works alllll because I wasn't into her.
Poor rejection skills is not a male only issue. It's a human issue. Nobody likes being rejected and I doubt any of the women here complaining about men have actually experienced rejection on the scale that most men do. It just so happens men tend to put themselves out there more so there's more instances of poor behavior.
Any man who sees the "casual sex" line item, and thinks "ooh ooh, I'mma get laid" is naive at best, and a moron at worst. Like I said earlier, it's not 1997 anymore. The true, non-Disney information is out there and publicly accessible. Which means a man is supposed to know, that when a woman wants "casual sex", she wants it with the top 20% of men, not with some average frustrated chump. There is no excuse for not knowing that. And if a man still doesn't know, he deserves being rejected, messed with, and whatever else gets thrown his way.
You know, believe it or not, there were times where I said this to a woman . At my age (34), I have no interest in sex, like at all. Not in a monastic "I'm too spiritual for it" kind of way. More like "the return it gives isn't worth the investment it requires" kind of way. Like traveling to New Zealand or learning Korean. But a good friendship is something that should be cherished, no matter what age you are.
I was an outlier in even putting "casual sex" on my profile, my ex husband was on OKC also at the same time (and my god is that ever weird, he wanted me to build his profile for him) and he said I was one of exactly 12 women in our city who had checked that box. I know I'm not a typical anything, but for serious though, the top 20% of what exactly? Is that supposed to be Chad from the country club in his ascot with his washboard abs? See, that's the guy I not only said no to, but when he got stupid about it, I asked him if he had any tattoos on his privates, and whether he'd be willing to pierce his nipnoops and go on a magical quest for me, or if he knew any good haikus about <specific kinky sex act.> I don't like Chad. Even the name is ick. I don't know that I like Timothy either. How about the top 20% of chubby, middle aged nerds, preferably who know how to play bass and paint tiny metal figures for D&D?
And what I meant by "casual sex" and what they did...which I did try to clarify in my profile, but lots of dudes don't like to read apparently...wasn't the same. I meant that I didn't necessarily feel ready to do a committed or exclusive relationship. I was down for a FB or FWB thing with somebody I liked well enough. I needed time to get my feet back under me on my own, before getting with someone who wanted "happily ever after" and in fact I wasn't sure if I would ever want to cohabitate or marry again. I wanted a friend...that I was allowed to feel loving things for...and have sex with...not a man who felt incomplete without a "better half" in his life. I was truly and honestly trying to make very sure I didn't end up in another messed up, codependent nightmare. And I also am very straightforward, and don't play coy hard to get games. If I date a guy a time or two, I know darn well if I want to get naked with him, and I'm prepared to say so. No need to draw it out or for anyone to jump through hoops, I don't need to run a credit report or a background check, I just want to have a good time.
They on the other hand thought that I was down for like one night stands and had zero preferences or criteria, like I was desperate for sex or something and would take it from anyone at all. Everyone has preferences. Men and women. Everyone. They just aren't always the same from one of us to the next.
So it's funny, the guys who got mad that I told them no? They were those that figured they were "top 20%ers." They could not believe I'd shoot down a man with perfect abs and a tribal tattoo and a buzz cut. Bleh. No. I was far more likely to hook up with a frustrated chump, believe it or not, if he could carry a decent conversation over a burger for an hour or so.
Also, about the "don't want to ruin the friendship" thing, I've had a guy or two tell me that in life. Sometimes people make good friends, but wouldn't make good partners, and maybe one can sense that but the other is blind to it. I did them a favor, whether they appreciated it or no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedWings18
Was back in the states recently and was out downtown. An overweight woman with a cute face came up to me and was aggressively trying to get me to come dance with her. I politely declined more than once and when it was finally clear that I wasn't interested, she threw a minor tantrum. Accused me of being gay, douchebag, the works alllll because I wasn't into her.
Poor rejection skills is not a male only issue. It's a human issue. Nobody likes being rejected and I doubt any of the women here complaining about men have actually experienced rejection on the scale that most men do. It just so happens men tend to put themselves out there more so there's more instances of poor behavior.
Yeah, this is correct actually. When I was a teenager and very sexually active, I really could not deal with rejection. Like I lived in disbelief it was even a possible thing. I was hot stuff and I knew it and I could not fathom that any straight male would seriously say no, or had any right to. There was a guy in his 20's who worked at the mall, and I was like 16 or so, and I would not leave him alone. He refused because of the whole "jail bait" thing and I spent an absurd amount of time trying to explain to him why that didn't matter, that my parents didn't care, I had my own basement, and license to do as I pleased, and there would be no consequences, and why why why won't you come home with me... I feel pretty bad for being such a nuisance to the poor guy, now, in hindsight. But maturity has taught me a lot more about respecting when someone says no.
I believe also it's an essential tenet of education
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602
I've been thinking that there has to be a class on handling rejection. Not just for boys, but for girls as well.
If children learn to handle rejection, it'll help them to handle failure later in life.
I suffered too not to have be taught how to handle rejection/failure, and as many other people
I developed a strategy of avoiding failure by not taking risks :I couldn't fail for I didn't try in the first place! which is not good, because it paralyzes the development of one's personality and later success in life.
I wasn't about to offer an explanation of non-interest to every dude who hit me up for my digits, sent a message, approached me, etc. And a "we're not compatible" is just fine if there's no reason to delve further. Even then, it's not uncommon to be hit with verbal diarrhea due to bitterness and upset.
How many men also give explanations to every woman they turn down or ignore? Just accept that you're not a good fit for x, y or z and move along.
How many men have women approach them legitimately to be able to reject them or ignore them?
How many men have women approach them legitimately to be able to reject them or ignore them?
She's gonna hit you with the anecdotal" she approached guys all the time blah blah blah" but in reality most guys don't get approached often and average guys almost never get approached IRL. And to top that most guys who are approached don't often reject.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. At my age (34), I have no interest in sex, like at all. Not in a monastic "I'm too spiritual for it" kind of way. More like "the return it gives isn't worth the investment it requires" kind of way. Like traveling to New Zealand or learning Korean. But a good friendship is something that should be cherished, no matter what age you are.
I believe also it's an essential tenet of education
