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It's kind of like someone who never tried a drug. They never know what they are missing until they try it.
Drugs might be really good, but they are also bad. They fry your brain and the harder drugs like heroine and cocaine make you addicted quick and there goes all your money.
Several analogies come to mind, but let me tell you about a very personal story.
My first marriage was a sham. Twenty years ago, after our kids were both grown, I finally filed for divorce from my wife of 26 years and figured I'd live the rest of my life single and stress-free. But I started emailing a woman who lived far, far away in a kingdom by the sea -- New Jersey.
We were both writers, and we met on a writers' board when I was looking for some help with a script. We shared personal information -- lots of it. Because of the distance I "knew" I'd never meet her, so I held back nothing.
She was a wise and sympathetic person and helped me understand a great deal about myself, my relationships, and my life in general. When my marriage was finally over I wanted to get away for a few days (my attorney actually suggested it), and because the airlines were offering cheap deals at the time, I asked her if she'd show me around NYC if I visited. "Yes!"
To cut to the chase, we fell in love... almost instantly. Silly. We both knew it. All the signs pointed to the impossibility of a long-lasting relationship, but we let caution fly with the wind and forged ahead. A few months later I drove the 2000 plus miles to see her. Her car was broken down, so I offered her mine. And a month after that she packed it full of her clothing and books and returned it to me. She never left.
A year later we were married -- not because either of us really cared if we were married or not, but because we KNEW we'd spend the rest of our lives together either way, so why not.
After two-and-a-half more years of joy, caring, sharing, laughter and intense love, she died. Suddenly and without warning a blood vessel burst in her magnificent brain and she was gone in an instant.
It was, after all, a short-lived relationship, and what followed was not very pretty. I suffered immensely. I couldn't function -- could barely breathe.
Was it all worth it? Absolutely! It was the most important and wonderful years of my life. It was as if my eyes had been sewn shut at birth and were finally opened to see the world for the first time. What a great world it was!
My point is this: Don't be afraid of the "roses and cuddles" disappearing. It's better to have held a rose once than to have never seen one. To quote my late wife, "Every rose must have its thorn." Your goal should be "to avoid the thorns, and yet, to love the rose."
Good luck. Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness.
I thought this post was worth bumping...very moving.
Obviously, the analogy did not have the desired impact on the OP but...a beautiful one nevertheless, It moved me.
~In life's journey, one chooses to go the way that he or she is familiar with and not any man can say, "my way is better."
To the OP: Jason, whatever path you decide to take...care to know that it's the right one for "you."
Drugs might be really good, but they are also bad. They fry your brain and the harder drugs like heroine and cocaine make you addicted quick and there goes all your money.
my point is until you try crack/heroine/tobacco, you will never know how good it feels and how much you love using it. LOL Same concept here.
Drugs might be really good, but they are also bad. They fry your brain and the harder drugs like heroine and cocaine make you addicted quick and there goes all your money.
Don't forget about the gateway drug marijuana, maybe the most used illegal narcotic(though I'e no proof.
I actually just joined this forum today to give you encouragement.
As a fellow virgin at 37 years old (my birthday just passed), I intuitively can read between the lines your feelings of anxiety. It's not just about sexual inexperience. The real issue at stake (for me at least) is the lack of emotional intimacy.
Have you ever had a close friend of the opposite sex? The reason why I ask is because I haven't. I always wanted to have a good guy friend, but I was too nervous and anxious around them, especially around guys who I found attractive. I always felt more comfortable admiring cute guys from a distance. I was afraid of getting rejected.
I can also relate to that feeling of not wanting to burden others with my presence. I enumerate my bad qualities but conveniently minimize my good ones. I tend to think "That guy's great for my friend" instead of for me because I don't think I'm good enough. And when you don't know what you're missing, it doesn't hurt so much. When you harden your heart not to feel or yearn for what others have, it becomes a habit and doesn't hurt after a while. You just focus on the areas where you are successful and stay busy so you don't feel that ache.
It's easy for me to rationalize for myself, but I don't know.. when I read you echoing what I think and feel, it makes me feel sad. I don't know you, but from the little that I can glean from your posts, you seem like a cool guy, a witty, kind, honorable man capable of great depth. But it saddens me that you hurt yourself, you don't love yourself enough to allow yourself the happiness that others enjoy.
What is it about you that you don't deserve to be embraced and kissed by a loving, caring woman when you come home from work? How come you can't go to the supermarket with your partner in crime and pick out produce and giggle over inside-jokes? When you're washing the dishes, wouldn't you want her to sneak up behind you and hug you and rest her head on your shoulder? A woman that loves you even when you mess up at work sometimes? A woman who will make you chicken soup and spoil you when you're sick
It's not the sex that you're missing out on, it's the companionship and the love that lasts through trials. What is so irrevocably broken about you that you feel the need to punish yourself by not allowing a little piece of happiness into your life? Why do you think you're doing women a favor by taking yourself off the market?
Last edited by ElizabethHope17; 10-17-2011 at 05:50 PM..
I had been seeing this woman for a while, she's really great, very good looking, funny, intelligent. It was our 5th date and I invited her to my house. We had a few drinks, saw some old pics, etc. She then started to touch me and kiss me in a way I knew would eventually lead to sex. When I was sure she intended to spend the night there I panicked for obvious reasons.
I told her to stop because I needed to tell her something. Then I said I had been enjoying the dates but that we weren't really fit for each other and perhaps we should stop going out together. I then showed her the door. I could see she was really surprised and disappointed and kept saying 'What did I do wrong? Do you expect me to believe it just like this?'. I told her I'm no good for her and that there are plenty of single men around who can make her happy.
I really ruined it. But I panicked seriously, I saw very embarrassing moments coming had I let things flow.
Should I try to reconnect with her? Sorry for bringing my personal drama here, but I can't speak about this with no one, for obvious reasons as well.
Don't know if OP is around, but I am patting you on the back.. 5th date and she already is tryign to engage you for sex??? A woman like this won't stick around long. Looks like she was trying to claim your virginity for bragging rights or just has not much respect for you. If she is truly a woman you love, you would make love to each other and feel comfortable with each other. She invaded you and, of course, all the feminists and man-haters will hit you over the head. Just imagine if it was a man doing this to a woman? I bet everyone would be condemning the man to oblivion.
Sounds, like you need to be a bit stronger though and assert yourself. Never let a woman have power over you as it is usually bad women who try to push sex on a man. Yeah, it may sound sexist, but culturally good girls let the man engage and take it from there. You should find a woman you enjoy being with and who won't care if you turn her down for sex.
Stop beating yourself up and don't mind the haters here who like to denigrate you.
Must be a deep seeded issue with sexual function.... or extreme insecurity about his manhood...
Most men revel in the opportunity to reveal our manhood on a 5th date, lol.
Jason,
Suggest you exercise, make yourself more presentable, develop some base of confidence. Also get your testosterone levels checked out.
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But I panicked seriously, I saw very embarrassing moments coming had I let things flow.
