A new day has dawned. I am free! (boys, Spanish, retroactive)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Do you guys remember when the Berlin Wall was torn down & the east & west Germans were allowed to go over into each other's territory for the first time in decades? History showed how the people were upset bec they did not know how to handle the freedom. There was a lot of chaos and turmoil in the beginning, until they established rules and gave it some time, taking it one day at a time. Same thing when a family separates. A&L must be struggling to respond well in both your homes, and it's obvious that you need to have confidence you can handle this situation, bec you are.
The posts before me are great and Robyn, you need to take ib out of the conversation by sitting the kids down, telling them "I expect some good respectfful behavior here, bec that is how we treat each other." DEMAND better tx for yourself, not just bec they don't behave that way at daddy's house, but bec you fought hard for their freedom to live well. You have allowed them to rant and rave - not a bad idea, but then they need to be respectful. I agree with the others that a counseling appt should be made for the two kids together or separately, and with you if the counselor wishes. A needs to know it need not be for long, but it's important for them to have someone to vent to. Lindsey will cooperate with anyone (my guess), but talk to A & tell him it is for his own good.
No answering the phone during dinner time...unplug it if you have to.
There is no question that ib has been prompting the kids on how you've been mistreating him.
So much on your plate, you don't realize how well you are handling everything.
Rest and have faith things will turn out for the best in time.
The kids will feel more peaceful and content when you feel it.
"..So much on your plate, you don't realize how well you are handling everything."
So, so true (((Robyn !))) Keep on Keepin' On! Ummm, this phrase might be before your time But you can do it. These adjustments are so important right now because they set the tone for how things will be ordered in your peaceful and healthy new home.
Last edited by Macrina; 10-04-2007 at 01:09 PM..
Reason: added...
Absolutely, kids feed off of their environment and the vibes around them.
They know that they can be themselves around you- and having to go to their father's for two full days each week and having to control themselves and be the "perfect little angels" must be stressful for them. They probably have pent up energy and they are comfortable in the fact that you are going to love them anyway and not act violent toward them.
Yet another valid reason for you to have them for a full day each weekend.
Here's my 2 cents.....even though I already told you. IMHO the kids are trying to find the limits and boundaries that you're setting. They know they can't hardly open their mouths at TJ's house, therefore they feel more comfortable and willing to try and push those boundaries when they are home. Ok, read that part again, when they are HOME. TJ's "weekend daddy duties" do not include real life things. It's no responsibilities, just fun time, as long as they do what the part time daddy says. You have no idea what kind of rubbish TJ is filling their heads with. The best way to combat that is, don't fall to his level. You don't have to. If there are any kind of reinforcements that need to be made, all you need to say is Daddy and I both love you very much. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. It will take awhile for them to adjust, but they will soon come to realize the safety and comfort of the House of Chimes. Don't bad mouth IH to them, that's the worst thing you can do. If they ask, be as honest as you possibly can without going into detail. "Mommy and Daddy just weren't making each other happy anymore". If there are other questions, suggest they speak with the counselor about them. I so much agree with them going to see someone. We both know that everyone needs someone to talk to at times, even if it's just to vent. Let them vent, let them know it is ok to be confused about the new house, the new mom and even the new rules. BUT, they have to respect those rules, each other, their new home and you. Maybe start letting them be more responsible for their new home by reinstating the chore detail? Let them take pride in their new home. A can be responsible for keeping the bathroom cleaned, L is responsible to bringing the laundry down, they both can keep their rooms cleaned and the living room tidy.
I also agree with keeping them home on every other weekend. If you don't do anything but rent some movies, stay in your jammies all day, play some games and just relax with them. Ok, i've rambled enough.
You've been down a long road girl, this is just another turn. If all else fails, remember....you're a strong ***** woman :-D
Remember last week when J. spoke to A. on the telephone and told him he had no money to buy food? I wonder if that had something to do with J. not feeding the children on Sunday night. J might have been trying to illustrate his point to the children, "look kids no food, daddy can't afford it." Robin, you might want to the assure the children, when dad has no food in his house, they can always call you if they are hungry. If J. can't tend to the children's basic needs, they can't stay at his house.
Not only is it not fair to Robyn that IB gets all the weekend time, it's not fair to the children. They aren't getting a balanced clear bonding time with either parent. A parent is just that....a parent. They aren't a buddy or a best friend. It's a balance and needs to be part of the nurturing from each adult.
Robyn, you are doing well. It's going to be difficult, and then it will back off from time to time. I've always said, "Sometimes things don't get better, but they get 'different'. Different can be easier than what was going on before".
One more of my PITA suggestions. If and when you change cell phones, don't use it to call IB. Keep that number private for just you and the kids. IB can run up your bill and find ways to invade your privacy. If he has the land line number to reach the kids, that's all he needs.
And, yes. I triple-double-whompus getting a disinterested third party involved for counseling...asap. It may take some of the burden from A who is undoubtedly feeling torn and confused right now. He needs help, and it can't come from either parent at the current time.
Great advice from all today! I read through so fast, I don't know if I missed it or not :-0 But won't counseling for A and L also help document things for a legal battle if need be??? And I can only assume it would help Robyn's case! Show what a good mother she is and how poorly J treats the children and Robyn.
Continued hugs and prayers!
~HDL~
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Everything MsV said...
(((Robyn !))) Keep on Keepin' On! Ummm, this phrase might be before your time 
But you can do it. These adjustments are so important right now because they set the tone for how things will be ordered in your peaceful and healthy new home.
