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Otherwise, she needs to be paying off her loans and supporting the family, either financially or with direct help.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by forum_browser
This is a bit harsh.
Her brother is allowed to pursue higher education, and a career and have his own family, but the daughter needs to support her parents? That just doesn't seem right to me. I do agree that she needs to pay back her loans, as her parents are not in the position to do so without great hardship, even though they want to.
I wanted to clarify something. I still wonder if it was a mistake to ask our daughter to move home two years ago. She was forced to leave a city that she loved and where she had "put down roots". She left a large group of supportive friends, an active social life, leadership positions in two different community organizations and a full time job and a part time job (and never found comparable jobs here). In retrospect, it was extremely selfish of me and I regret it. I really had absolutely no idea how terrible our daughter's life would be back in her hometown. If I would have had any idea of how awful it was going to be for her I never would have asked her to move back (perhaps after DH's TBI, but certainly not before that).
While she never complained, and returned home "voluntarily", it was very, very sad to see her life as an "assistant caregiver". She was just a few years out of college without any type of social life at all (except occasionally doing things with complete strangers through meet-up groups or with family members) and working a crappy, crappy job and spending all of her free time with Mom & a disabled father.
She did not even have one friend who lived in our town. Nope, not even one person. Sometimes she would go six months between a night out because she needed to wait until an old friend visited our town or she would have to drive out of state to see people. I had no idea it would be that bad.
I do not believe that she even went on one date the entire two years that she was here, compared to a very active dating & social life in her previous city. That is pretty upsetting & discouraging for a person in their mid/late 20s.
She spent many, many hours every week either providing direct care/supervision to her father or doing errands or doing household tasks to take the burden off of me.
Now compare that to her brother. He spent six days helping over the last few years. Six days. Did he leave his job? Nope. Did he leave his friends and spouse? Nope. Did he leave his city? Nope. Did his father's illness crimp his "style" or his finances or his fun or his social life or his behavior or his education in any way whatsoever? Nope (except for one six day vacation home to help). He still honestly thinks that he provided a similar amount of help to us as his sister provided to us.
I am thankful that our daughter is still speaking to her brother. She could be so resentful that it could have caused irreparable damage to their relationship.
Parents, let this be a lesson to you before you ask your child to help with care giving.
Regarding the student loans. She is still checking on what to do.
BTW, she did not get a new computer and certainly would not spent $1,000 on one. There is one for sale at Best Buy for $350 or she might get a newer. used one from a relative or just take her old one along.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-21-2016 at 01:12 PM..
There's another thread you have running right now about hospital care and you mentioned that since you had to quit your job, you will probably have to borrow money to pay for food and bills. Is your daughter aware of this? It seems that you need to strike her "compassion chord" and make her see that this is too much of a financial burden for the family.
That is an old thread. I posted it just after I had to quit my jobs due to DH's TBI and I was pretty panicked and overwhelmed.
Many, many things have changed since then. We are now able to buy food and pay our bills. I just have to be frugal and spent wisely.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-21-2016 at 12:59 PM..
I do wonder if the OP's son could help out, as his sister moved home and (if I remember correctly) resigned from a professional job to assist their parents, enabling him and his wife to continue their graduate educations and have another child. If he can lend his sister the loan money in return for her sacrifice which was partly on his behalf, maybe she can go.
That is a possibility. Also, my siblings would be very willing to help if things get desperate and i ask them for help.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-21-2016 at 12:39 PM..
You shouldn't feel guilty. You needed family help, and your daughter provided it. She had a tough couple of years as a result, but her life wasn't ruined. Adversity and sacrifice build character.
I hope you don't make financial offers to your daughter that you can't afford out of guilt and end up depending on your siblings as a result. That would strain those relationships, and you would feel awful. If anyone steps up to help your daughter, here, it should be your son. She made it possible for him to continue his education and have a family of his own.
I wanted to clarify something. I still wonder if it was a mistake to ask our daughter to move home two years ago. She was forced to leave a city that she loved and where she had "put down roots". She left a large group of supportive friends, an active social life, leadership positions in two different community organizations and a full time job and a part time job (and never found comparable jobs here). In retrospect, it was extremely selfish of me and I regret it. I really had absolutely no idea how terrible our daughter's life would be back in her hometown. If I would have had any idea of how awful it was going to be I never would have asked her to move back (perhaps after DH's TBI, but certainly not before that).
While she never complained, it was very, very sad to see someone a few years out of college without any type of social life at all (except occasionally doing things with complete strangers through meet-up groups or with family members) and working a crappy, crappy job.
She did not even have one friend who lived in our town. Nope, not even one person. Sometimes she would go six months between a night out because she needed to wait until an old friend visited our town or she would have to drive out of state to see people.
I do not believe that she even went on one date the entire two years that she was here, compared to an active dating & social life in her previous city.
She spent many, many hours every week either providing direct care/supervision to her father or doing errands or doing household tasks to take the burden off of me.
Now compare that to her brother. He spent six days helping over the last few years. Six days. Did he leave his job? Nope. Did he leave his friends and spouse? Nope. Did he leave his city? Nope. Did his father's illness crimp his "style" or his finances or his fun or his social life or his behavior or his education in any way whatsoever? Nope (except for one six day vacation home to help).
I am thankful that our daughter is still speaking to her brother. She could be so resentful that it could have caused irreparable damage to their relationship.
Regarding the student loans. She is still checking on what to do.
BTW, she did not get a new computer and certainly would not spent $1,000 on one. There is one for sale at Best Buy for $350 or she might get a newer. used one from a relative or just take her old one along.
Thanks for clarifying for those who may not have been aware of the sacrifices your daughter has made to help out her parents. No one should be calling her irresponsible. She gave up so much at a time you were desperate for help. If she hadn't, she wouldn't of left a good paying job and would have no problem saving to pay her loans while she's in the Peace Corp.
She stepped up and sacrificed when you most needed it. If she were my daughter, I'd consider it a privilege to be able to do the same for her.
The thing is, germaine and her husband are in a tight financial situation and germaine's stress level is through the roof as it is. I am sure germaine would be thrilled to do this for her daughter - but she needs to think about her own health and welfare.
For some reason these loans, even though they were part of the loan package received directly though the University these loans are considered "Private Loans". My daughter spoke to supervisors at the student loan company several times in the past two weeks and they were emphatic that these loans could not be changed to income based, nor could they be deferred or put into forbearance nor would any part be paid off due to being in the Peace Corp (or through working at non-profit organizations). $200 per month, until they are paid off, no matter what your circumstances.
Now, I suppose that college graduates who are earning big bucks look at that figure and are scoffing and thinking, "Heck, $200 a month is absolutely nothing. I can easily double or triple up the payments and pay off the loan quicker." But, to other graduates, it simply was not possible to do that. And, some parents may be thinking, "Heck, what's an extra $200 month that I need to pay if my child is doing what she loves." But, an expected extra $200 a month expense can be pretty hard for other parents.
When she spoke with a Peace Corp representative last week they again said that all loans received directly from a University student loan package should be covered. It was only "private loans" that you took out privately (duh) through a bank would not be covered.
She will try contacting the University next week to see if she could get more answers.
According to the Peace Corps website, she needs to contact the lenders to check if the loans can be forgiven.
That is a possibility. Also, my siblings would be very willing to help if things get desperate and i ask them for help.
Could the brother be persuaded to loan your daughter the $2400 to cover her student loans for two years?
Your daughter will have no problems getting a good job when she returns to pay her brother back.
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