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She shouldn't even have to pay him back, IMO. If he had made half of her sacrifice on behalf of their parents, he would be out that $2,400 many times over and she would be in a far stronger financial position.
Her brother needs to be helping, as well, and some financial support from him is in order. Family first!
I didn't know she had moved home under those circumstances, but as far as going overseas with the PC, my original comments stand. And she could've also provided some financial support instead of moving home if that would've been a great hardship.
You raised them, OP, gave them your time and energy. We always hope that we won't need our children's help, but that's what a strong family does.
As someone pointed out, this is likely guilt talking. As a 50-something who has watched lots of seniors struggle because they "helped" their children a little too much, I encourage you to put your retirement needs first. She has the rest of her life to build a nest egg and pursue her dreams. Your time is more limited.
Her brother needs to be helping, as well, and some financial support from him isin order. Family first!
Wow, I don't know how old your children are that you expect them to help support you and your spouse in your "old age" but our son, is doing post-doctoral research so is still technically a college student. He and his wife (also a post-doc) are supporting themselves and their two children on college student incomes/stipends.
It isn't like he is 40 years old, has a great income and a well established career so he can easily help Mom & Dad. He's an advanced level college student, a year or two from starting his first professional job. Sheesh!
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-21-2016 at 03:44 PM..
I wanted to clarify something. I still wonder if it was a mistake to ask our daughter to move home two years ago. She was forced to leave a city that she loved and where she had "put down roots". She left a large group of supportive friends, an active social life, leadership positions in two different community organizations and a full time job and a part time job (and never found comparable jobs here). In retrospect, it was extremely selfish of me and I regret it. I really had absolutely no idea how terrible our daughter's life would be back in her hometown. If I would have had any idea of how awful it was going to be for her I never would have asked her to move back (perhaps after DH's TBI, but certainly not before that).
While she never complained, and returned home "voluntarily", it was very, very sad to see her life as an "assistant caregiver". She was just a few years out of college without any type of social life at all (except occasionally doing things with complete strangers through meet-up groups or with family members) and working a crappy, crappy job and spending all of her free time with Mom & a disabled father.
She did not even have one friend who lived in our town. Nope, not even one person. Sometimes she would go six months between a night out because she needed to wait until an old friend visited our town or she would have to drive out of state to see people. I had no idea it would be that bad.
I do not believe that she even went on one date the entire two years that she was here, compared to a very active dating & social life in her previous city. That is pretty upsetting & discouraging for a person in their mid/late 20s.
She spent many, many hours every week either providing direct care/supervision to her father or doing errands or doing household tasks to take the burden off of me.
Now compare that to her brother. He spent six days helping over the last few years. Six days. Did he leave his job? Nope. Did he leave his friends and spouse? Nope. Did he leave his city? Nope. Did his father's illness crimp his "style" or his finances or his fun or his social life or his behavior or his education in any way whatsoever? Nope (except for one six day vacation home to help). He still honestly thinks that he provided a similar amount of help to us as his sister provided to us.
I am thankful that our daughter is still speaking to her brother. She could be so resentful that it could have caused irreparable damage to their relationship.
Parents, let this be a lesson to you before you ask your child to help with care giving.
Regarding the student loans. She is still checking on what to do.
BTW, she did not get a new computer and certainly would not spent $1,000 on one. There is one for sale at Best Buy for $350 or she might get a newer. used one from a relative or just take her old one along.
It seems that for the most part, daughters do the sacrificing and heavy lifting when caring for aging or ill parents. I think it would be a shame if something couldn't be worked out for her.
It seems that for the most part, daughters do the sacrificing and heavy lifting when caring for aging or ill parents. I think it would be a shame if something couldn't be worked out for her.
I agree, it does seem like DD has pulled a lot of the weight that her brother could have helped with. He could have taken a semester off school or something. But I guess maybe he wasn't asked to. We don't really know the dynamic.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there. A lot of what OP describes that her daughter did for her dad is what she will be facing doing in the Peace Corps assignment (caring for people, no social life, no network of friends, no dating opportunities etc.) so daughter is still making sacrifices, only this time the sacrifices are for strangers.
It's really a shame that caregiving a family member & helping with their household needs doesn't seem to count toward "life learning" in our society but volunteering in the PC does. As an employer I'd be just as impressed if someone took time off their career to help a family member.
It would be good if the son could commit to visiting once a quarter for a week to give his mom a break (and to help his dad.)
Wow, I don't know how old your children are that you expect them to help support you and your spouse in your "old age" but our son, is doing post-doctoral research so is still technically a college student. He and his wife (also a post-doc) are supporting themselves and their two children on college student incomes/stipends.
It isn't like he is 40 years old, has a great income and a well established career so he can easily help Mom & Dad. He's an advanced level college student, a year or two from starting his first professional job. Sheesh!
I don't think that $200 a month would be as big a hardship to their two income family as much as it would be to you or your daughter.
I agree, it does seem like DD has pulled a lot of the weight that her brother could have helped with. He could have taken a semester off school or something. But I guess maybe he wasn't asked to. We don't really know the dynamic.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there. A lot of what OP describes that her daughter did for her dad is what she will be facing doing in the Peace Corps assignment (caring for people, no social life, no network of friends, no dating opportunities etc.) so daughter is still making sacrifices, only this time the sacrifices are for strangers.
It's really a shame that caregiving a family member & helping with their household needs doesn't seem to count toward "life learning" in our society but volunteering in the PC does. As an employer I'd be just as impressed if someone took time off their career to help a family member.
It would be good if the son could commit to visiting once a quarter for a week to give his mom a break (and to help his dad.)
the perfect story book end which mostly never does happen in life-
Thanks for explaining G. Your daughter is a trooper, and she will be fine. She is very, very, very young and has almost all of her adult life ahead of her. This was as good a time as she could have ever helped you. It is much harder to help like this if you are already married with kids, in an advanced career etc..
Yes, your son should/could do more, but it is true that he has a family with two young children to support. It is very, very challenging to be a caregiver for aging parents when you are starting a young family, on the other side of the country, without a very high income or flexibility.
I can relate to this scenario, as I am the single daughter that moved from across the country to be a full-time caregiver. My brother was not long married with an infant daughter when my father was injured, and they lived very far way. At first, I was angry that he was not doing more. But honestly, his priority had to be first with his family. I've become better at accepting things. And I have learned to ask more directly when I truly need his help, and be very specific. So.... there is no way that my brother could take care of my father for more than a few hours. But he can bring the grandchild to visit (no better medicine than that), help with financial paperwork/taxes, do research online when I need something, and if I need money or specific support ("please buy this for Dad because he would never let me....."), then I ask.
So I hope germaine can think about how her son could best help. And directly ask for it. Because I guarantee..... he hasn't gotta clue.
And when you daughter leaves, and will be missing the US in a month, send her a heart-felt letter about how much her devotion to you and your husband's care meant to you. She will appreciate it.
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