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Old 02-19-2013, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,359,871 times
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Bluff...I like your "kick-back" philosophy about life today. Thanks for all you shared...I don't want to make "mountains" out of "molehills" (as my Mom would say) and turn every little thing into a "crisis" or "do or die" situation. (Even though I have experienced a lot of deaths in my family and trauma over the past few years.)...I'm better now. My sense of humor is coming back. (YEA!)...When I catch myself walking around like a "stiff board" (ready to "crack") I turn it into a "Saturday Night Live" skit and inject some humor and play into the situation so I won't go off the "deep end!"
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:59 PM
 
Location: Windham County, VT
10,619 posts, read 4,920,822 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
tngirl...Glad you have your 2 friends...Sometimes I feel like I'm in some weird vortex where no one really understands me. (Not completely anyway.)...I sure miss the familiarity and culture I shared with my husband and son...They "got me" and understood me really well. (And vica-versa.)...These days I end-up explaining myself at times.. I had to do this with my friend's husband the other day. Guess he expects me to be just like his wife or ?...He's a "Joe Friday" kind of guy who just wants the "facts" with few words...My husband and son went into a little more "depth" and I got used to interacting with them...Do you ever run into culture-clashes or weird situations where you feel like you have to explain yourself?
Yes, believe I understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.122: "You forget that when you're dating someone for five years you can say anything, but when you're dating someone for five minutes, you can't. I think that's what I miss most about being in a long-term relationship. There really are no boundaries. You know you can say almost anything after a certain point."
This is from book about a break-up (rather than death, so please don't think I'm making light of things), but loss & grief still are what they are-and the sentiment/role feels similar.
Quotes from "My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me" by Hilary Winston, 2011:
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.119: "The first Valentine's Day after a break-up is torture."
"You cling to the knowledge that someone did in fact love you as proof it can happen again. And the faster it happens again the better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by book excerpt
pg.120: "I needed to get out there. But even that phrase makes me want to die. "Get out there again ?' What the hell is 'out there' ? And why can't it come in here ?"
None of these are intended to tell anyone else what they are feeling or thinking, just one person's way of looking at it & describing her experience. I wrote down the lines that most resonated for me.
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:13 PM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,942,373 times
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I have an 82-year-old brother who lost his wife over 3 years ago and I don't see him getting "better". It was one of those old-fashioned relationships where she took care of everything and did everything for him, even portion his plates. So she died unexpectedly, leaving him totally unprepared to take care of himself. He didn't even know where all their accounts were!

I've not lost a mate. But I lost an adult child, so I understand grief. And I've made suggestions to him but he's obstinate. He still goes to her gravesite every single day. I asked him once if going there comforts him and makes him feel better and he said no. I also suggested anti-depressants to help him along. I hoped he'd re-invent himself, but he's like a lot of the old-timers who didn't develop interests. All his enjoyment was with his wife. Luckily, he does have a lot of friends and he's incredibly healthy (healthier than most people I know).

I live 950 miles away, so I can't do much. Our other brother, who lives about 18 miles from him, has a much different life and they're very different. I was hoping to build a house there on his farm for when he starts to get frail, but he doesn't like the idea. So, okay, he's made his choice. The good thing to this, is that I am learning from his example.
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Old 02-23-2013, 06:31 PM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,992,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
My mom was well known in the cartoonist circles (she was humor editor of a national magazine), so I could say "I'm so-and-so's daughter". Then, I married my college sweetheart and we moved to a tiny town in Colorado where he became one of three lawyers in that town in 1983. We lived there until he died in 2009. By then, the town had tripled in population, and several more attorney's moved up there, but he was the "founding father" and every business owner and resident knew him. I was "so-and-so's wife". I loved it. After he died, I couldn't afford to stay in the house we'd had, so I sold it and moved to what was supposed to be our retirement condo where I didn't know a soul. I had to start out on my own as a nobody amidst a bunch of snowbirds in my condo complex who leave town in April. Then, I'm truly alone as the few full time residents aren't very social, and the snowbirds rent out their places in the summer, so there are a lot of temporary residents. It's really hard. I do some volunteering, and do some legal research work from home, so I'm home and alone 99% of the time.

I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, or dating, or remarrying. I'd love to have a couple of close girlfriends, but the women here my age are married, so we're good for lunch or coffee, but not for evening activities. I'd like to have a brother/good friend relationship with a guy so I could go out to dinner or a movie, show or museum, but there's no one like that here and I'm too introverted to go to those places on my own. For now, a book or a TV show are my entertainment. I have a feeling that's how it's always going to be...

I know how you feel Marcy. In my grief group we call it the new "norm" for normal. I met another widow recently. She knows my son through business and he told her about me and she gave him a book to give me. We had lunch last week, and plan to go to a museum soon. I hope we hit it off. We have much in common, altho she mentioned seeing a movie that she didn't like, and I loved it. I guess we can find some middle ground. I would like someone to go on a cruise with someday. It may be bittersweet....my hubby loved the cruise ships. I would probably be saying "Bob would love this" all the time.
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Old 02-24-2013, 12:08 AM
 
Location: 38N 105W
4,721 posts, read 7,020,897 times
Reputation: 7292
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jude1948 View Post
I know how you feel Marcy. In my grief group we call it the new "norm" for normal. I met another widow recently. She knows my son through business and he told her about me and she gave him a book to give me. We had lunch last week, and plan to go to a museum soon. I hope we hit it off. We have much in common, altho she mentioned seeing a movie that she didn't like, and I loved it. I guess we can find some middle ground. I would like someone to go on a cruise with someday. It may be bittersweet....my hubby loved the cruise ships. I would probably be saying "Bob would love this" all the time.
I long for road trips. Our daughters moved out of state when they married (one married military), so we'd go on road trips to see them and our grandkids two or three times a year. I LOVED those times where we'd talk for hours, take side trips and explore new places, try new foods (boiled peanuts in the South are a favorite!), and stay at little out-of-the-way places. Now I'm lucky if I drive downtown...

A neighbor (Snowbird) had an open house last night and I went with my son. Everyone was a couple and I felt so out of place. My other half was my son, and even though I love him dearly, he's no substitute for a same-age, non-romantic companion. People were chatting, drinking, dancing and having a blast. I mingled, had a glass of wine, but wasn't asked to dance, and wasn't really included as I wasn't half of a couple. It was really awkward. I went home about 10:00 p.m. and I doubt anyone noticed.
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Old 02-24-2013, 08:28 AM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,992,358 times
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Marcy, I am invited to a dinner party in a couple of weeks. These are (couple) friends and my mah-jongg friends whom I have known for years. I will be the single, but as usual the men tend to go off to the side and we girls stick together. I will still feel somewhat strange, this being the first time in this situation. They have even offered me to stay the night since there will be drinking and they do not want me driving home alone at a late hour. This is my new norm with them at least. Today I am again going to lunch with my widow friend. Keeping busy is helpful to me. Last night I wanted a good cry and I went to youtube and listened to some Ronnie Milsap....had my cry and went to bed.
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 423,799 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jude1948 View Post
I know how you feel Marcy. In my grief group we call it the new "norm" for normal. I met another widow recently. She knows my son through business and he told her about me and she gave him a book to give me. We had lunch last week, and plan to go to a museum soon. I hope we hit it off. We have much in common, altho she mentioned seeing a movie that she didn't like, and I loved it. I guess we can find some middle ground. I would like someone to go on a cruise with someday. It may be bittersweet....my hubby loved the cruise ships. I would probably be saying "Bob would love this" all the time.
Jude, I am always saying things Jim said or refering to him in so many ways. I always say "we" then catch myself and say "I." No harm done....force of habit, it's hard to break after 32 years together. In fact, I think I'll keep on saying it!

BTW, going on a cruise is on my bucket list, so let me know when you are ready to go!

tngirl
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 423,799 times
Reputation: 704
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
I long for road trips. Our daughters moved out of state when they married (one married military), so we'd go on road trips to see them and our grandkids two or three times a year. I LOVED those times where we'd talk for hours, take side trips and explore new places, try new foods (boiled peanuts in the South are a favorite!), and stay at little out-of-the-way places. Now I'm lucky if I drive downtown...

A neighbor (Snowbird) had an open house last night and I went with my son. Everyone was a couple and I felt so out of place. My other half was my son, and even though I love him dearly, he's no substitute for a same-age, non-romantic companion. People were chatting, drinking, dancing and having a blast. I mingled, had a glass of wine, but wasn't asked to dance, and wasn't really included as I wasn't half of a couple. It was really awkward. I went home about 10:00 p.m. and I doubt anyone noticed.
Oh Marcy, sorry it was a difficult open house. I can understand about it being awkward, it would have been for me too. But at least you had your son with you.

I love road trips too. I miss those. Of course, being together during our trucking years was sort of a road trip, but not the same. I did see a lot of sights.....I called it our "paid vacation." I am hoping some day I can find someone that would enjoy wandering the backroads and finding quaint little places to eat.

I could eat my weight in boiled peanuts....and boiled shrimp too!

tngirl
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Old 02-25-2013, 01:07 AM
 
Location: 38N 105W
4,721 posts, read 7,020,897 times
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Kellie and Nathan were stationed in Panama City, FL; Phoenix; San Antonio; Altus, OK (3x); Sumter, SC; Tacoma and Pensacola, from 1994-2008 when they spent four years at the NATO base in Papa, Hungary, so we did a lot of cross-country trips. So much fun! We went on so many side trips (Graceland was really fun) and had so many good times. Shauna was on her own so she wasn't with us, but Christopher and Andrew went on all the trips. We also went to Hawaii several times, back to CT for my 10 & 20 year high school reunions, to Michigan to visit our families. I would love to do that kind of road travelling again.
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Old 02-25-2013, 09:33 AM
 
1,050 posts, read 2,992,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
Jude, I am always saying things Jim said or refering to him in so many ways. I always say "we" then catch myself and say "I." No harm done....force of habit, it's hard to break after 32 years together. In fact, I think I'll keep on saying it!

BTW, going on a cruise is on my bucket list, so let me know when you are ready to go!

tngirl
Thanks tn girl. I am having bad day today, mainly because my son has been showing anxiety and depression. When he gets down it affects me the same. It has always been that way. We had a beautiful Sunday...warm and sunny. Today is cloudy with more rain. I guess the old song...Rainy Days and Monday's holds true. I know this too shall pass.

We should gather a few of us and plan that cruise...maybe next year??
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