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Old 02-26-2013, 04:52 AM
 
Location: Olympia, WA
363 posts, read 405,210 times
Reputation: 699

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Judy...Glad you feel better...Thanks for your posts back and forth...My widower neighbor came by last night. (Right after I posted about him.)....He said he is trying to make major life decisions about moving or ? And he needed to run it all by me...He made it sound like the earth would come "crashing down" if he didn't talk to me...It was totally about him and his "pressing needs." He was very "dramatic."...He definitely tried to "hook me in" and make me responsible for his welfare...I told him that I was sorry he was going through so many "struggles" and indecisiveness...I told him that it's rough for me at times too. And I don't always know which end is up or down and feel "lost" at times myself..He didn't want to hear this or hear anything about me...He wanted my "immediate attention" and concern and seemed upset when I didn't drop everything and make him the absolute center of my universe...He seemed like a "pouty kid." ("Dead-set" on getting his "way!")...Anyway part of reinventing myself is developing more "street smarts."
Stick to your guns, CA, you are very smart. I can't stand a whiney, needy man who must involve everyone else in his "issues." I like your comment about "street smarts."

tngirl
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Old 02-26-2013, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
tngirl...Thanks for posting. One of the things that attracted me to my husband in the early years was his self-sufficiency...He was in-charge of his life and his decisions...He knew what he wanted on his own. I didn't have to "play mommy" to him in other words...From my conversations with my neighbor it sounds like he has remained a late-in-life "mama's boy" to his elderly mother..She calls quite often to check on him. And she hands him advice and "orders."...His mom will "rescue him" in the end...It sounds like his mom didn't like his wife very much. Guess she might have been jealous or ?...I don't need anyone else showing-up at my door-step right now "in need!".. I "need" to take care of myself and get my "act together" and focus on my own "wants" and "needs" for now...And this is a "big job" in itself! Don't you think?...Who in the world "am I?" And what do I want for myself?...I know I'd like to take a cruise someday! It sounds like fun!
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Table Rock Lake
971 posts, read 1,133,347 times
Reputation: 939
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
tngirl...Thanks for posting. One of the things that attracted me to my husband in the early years was his self-sufficiency...He was in-charge of his life and his decisions...He knew what he wanted on his own. I didn't have to "play mommy" to him in other words...From my conversations with my neighbor it sounds like he has remained a late-in-life "mama's boy" to his elderly mother..She calls quite often to check on him. And she hands him advice and "orders."...His mom will "rescue him" in the end...It sounds like his mom didn't like his wife very much. Guess she might have been jealous or ?...I don't need anyone else showing-up at my door-step right now "in need!".. I "need" to take care of myself and get my "act together" and focus on my own "wants" and "needs" for now...And this is a "big job" in itself! Don't you think?...Who in the world "am I?" And what do I want for myself?...I know I'd like to take a cruise someday! It sounds like fun!
From what I can gather from all our posts, we all had exceptional mates! If we were looking for another, which most of us are not, are we really going to find one easily? We compare new possibilities and they don't come close to being the quality we seek. Are they even out there? I don't know but I will keep an open mind and not dwell on the culls. "Kick back" ladies and enjoy the new us ....survivers! IMHO

Snow missed me again, life is good. LOL
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Old 02-26-2013, 11:31 PM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Judy...Glad you feel better...Thanks for your posts back and forth...My widower neighbor came by last night. (Right after I posted about him.)....He said he is trying to make major life decisions about moving or ? And he needed to run it all by me...He made it sound like the earth would come "crashing down" if he didn't talk to me...It was totally about him and his "pressing needs." He was very "dramatic."...He definitely tried to "hook me in" and make me responsible for his welfare...I told him that I was sorry he was going through so many "struggles" and indecisiveness...I told him that it's rough for me at times too. And I don't always know which end is up or down and feel "lost" at times myself..He didn't want to hear this or hear anything about me...He wanted my "immediate attention" and concern and seemed upset when I didn't drop everything and make him the absolute center of my universe...He seemed like a "pouty kid." ("Dead-set" on getting his "way!")...Anyway part of reinventing myself is developing more "street smarts."
Wow, CA. Good for you standing your ground. He almost sounds like a needy woman, not a guy. That's the last kind of person you need right now. I'd be really weary of him. I can imagine getting caught up in his "web" and not being able to get out gracefully. I'm glad you're keeping him at arm's length!

I also agree about the street smarts. I'm such a pushover because I always let Bob do the talking--salesmen, telemarketers, anyone who rang the doorbell selling something, socializing--and I would just hang back, grateful to be a wallflower since I'm not outgoing. Being forceful, or being able to say no is a new skill I'm still working on. When I bought my car last month, it was all I could do to keep to my plan to not let them bully me into buying more than I wanted or needed. I came so close to caving in so many times. Thos guys are really pushy!

Even though I've been alone for over three years, I'm still learning. It took me almost two years just to accept Bob was gone, then another year to get to know me, without him, and now I'm working on moving forward. It's been slow and painful; two steps forward, one step backward...
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Old 02-27-2013, 06:42 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
My Aunt married a "needy man" later in life...She said she married him because he just wouldn't "go away" but I know she had feelings for him too...She was definitely the "boss" in the relationship. He was a "late-in-life mama's boy" too. And felt lost after his mom passed-away...Anyway I had a chance to see a relationship like this in "operation" earlier in life...It's not something I would want for myself. I don't want to "play mama" or hold all the "reins."...Eventually my neighbor will probably meet a woman who won't mind playing out this role...It would be nice if he took some time out to come into his "own" a little more before he goes "shopping" for a new wife and "substitute mom."
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Old 02-27-2013, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Marcy...I can relate. I still feel "married.".. I just don't want to let "go" of what I had with my husband quite yet...In my case I really didn't have a normal "grieving time" after my husband passed-away because my son developed cancerous brain tumors...Now I'm grieving the loss of my younger son and my husband and my older son who died a few years earlier...It may take me quite a long time to "adjust" and go through all the stages. It's hard to imagine crossing over the bridge to the other side where I don't feel married anymore. (And fully accept that both my sons are "gone" now too.)...Thanks for sharing what it's been like for you...Good for you for having a plan and "sticking to your guns" when you went out to buy a new car!
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Old 02-27-2013, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Bluff...Great that you didn't have to deal with heavy snow or blizzards...I honestly don't expect to get married again. It's not on my list of "goals." But I guess it's probably best to never say "never." (And keep somewhat of an open mind as you mentioned.)...My husband's Mom was on her own for 30-plus years after her husband passed-away and never dated..She pursued her interests and created a nice life for herself...When she retired she took a lot of trips (and cruises) with her best friend and had fun...The thought of dating or searching for someone "new" never popped into my Dad's head after my Mom passed-away...I can't imagine my Mom wanting to date if my Dad had died first..My Grandma never dated after my Grandpa passed away...I guess I feel like I had the "great love of my life" with my husband. And I enjoy holding on to our "bond" and love and decades of memories together. (At least for now anyway.) How do you (and others) feel about it?...I'm not normally a "mushy/gushy" kind of person. But the love (and "like") that I felt for my husband seems to "live-on" and transcend death.
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Old 02-27-2013, 10:36 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluff_Dweller View Post
From what I can gather from all our posts, we all had exceptional mates! If we were looking for another, which most of us are not, are we really going to find one easily? We compare new possibilities and they don't come close to being the quality we seek. Are they even out there? I don't know but I will keep an open mind and not dwell on the culls. "Kick back" ladies and enjoy the new us ....survivers! IMHO

Snow missed me again, life is good. LOL
"They" say a lot of spouses tend to "glorify" their late spouse. Maybe we are, maybe not. I'm sure we all had "normal" marriages, up with some downs, but it seems we all have had GOOD spouses. I sure know if Earl had been an a-hole like the other two, I wouldn't be here bemoaning his death. I'd be out on the "hunt" looking for another man because my soul would not be satisfied from love.

I understand the no dating part. Dating means that you are ready and open to sharing your life with someone new. I think the urge to find a male companion for dinner and the like will pass once we find girlfriends or get comfortable in our own skins. Earl completed me but now I am a whole again and want to stay that way. There's nothing another man can offer me except financial security that Earl did not already give me.
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Old 02-28-2013, 12:56 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
"They" say a lot of spouses tend to "glorify" their late spouse. Maybe we are, maybe not. I'm sure we all had "normal" marriages, up with some downs, but it seems we all have had GOOD spouses. I sure know if Earl had been an a-hole like the other two, I wouldn't be here bemoaning his death. I'd be out on the "hunt" looking for another man because my soul would not be satisfied from love.

I understand the no dating part. Dating means that you are ready and open to sharing your life with someone new. I think the urge to find a male companion for dinner and the like will pass once we find girlfriends or get comfortable in our own skins. Earl completed me but now I am a whole again and want to stay that way. There's nothing another man can offer me except financial security that Earl did not already give me.
Here, here, Tami!!! I may not be legally married anymore, or in the eyes of the church, but I am still married in my heart and soul. Making the leap of faith to open my heart and let someone in just isn't something I can see doing anytime, ever. Like you, there is nothing another man can offer me, unless he's 99 years old, in poor health, with no heirs, and wants to marry me and leave me all the bulti-gazillions of dollars in his estate. I might consider that...

I met Bob when I was 20 years old, and was with him through 4 kids, 7 grandkids, law school, starting a sole law practice from scratch and being really poor for the first few years, laughter, tears, joy and pain; sickness and health, ups and downs, and then finally, when we were so near to retiring and enjoying the senior years of our lives, poof, it's all gone, literally in a heartbeat. My whole life as an adult was with him until I was 57 years old and he was 59, so it's not easy to just shut the door on that chapter and move to the next. Baby steps and then wanting to run back to bed, get under the covers and not come out. More baby steps, more hiding until the steps get bigger, and the hiding becomes less necessary. I may be doing okay, but I'll never do as well as I did when I had the love of my life to share everything with. I still miss him deeply and profoundly. I always will.
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Old 02-28-2013, 02:53 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Me too, Marcy. LMAO at your next "beau". If he has an older brother, let me know.
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