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Time to read about co-dependency, and then see what behaviors resonate with you. You're part of this continuing drama-rama, even though you have attempted to set some boundaries. The amount of space this woman is taking up in your mind might be at an unhealthy level. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't control another person. You accept who they are, as they are, or leave them be.
Good reminder. I need to RE read about co dependency - LOL. I need a refresher course on how to firmly set boundaries.
If that's the case, then she's having addiction issues.
Which is no walk in the park for her. I wouldn't throw her out of my life because she's struggling. We all struggle with something at some point.
Addicts have to have hard boundaries or they will walk all over you, even when they don't mean to. It's usually all or nothing. The OP has offered guidance and help, I'm sure, and her friend shuts down without even trying.
At what point do you say "enough"? It's clearly consuming the OP's mind right now.
I see what you're saying. But I don't think she forgot today's "appointment." I think she just texted me "Yoohoo, I'm in Dallas, having a great time - Love you!" as some sort of "soft drop." She doesn't owe me any sort of accounting for what she's doing on a daily basis, and we don't have that sort of friendship anyway. I think she knew she had "sort of" committed to taking me to dinner but had once again pushed that out of the way. Actually she HAD committed but in her mind it was a "maybe - if I'm not doing something else." Thankfully, I'm used to this behavior by now so I don't plan my days around her anymore, which is a big relief frankly.
I'm starting to feel like I'm the backup - like I'll do if something better doesn't come along. If that's the case, I really wish she'd stop calling me wanting to get together.
She's had addiction issues in the past, by the way. There's not a lot a person can do for someone in that situation other than tell them, "I believe you have addiction problems and when you're ready to deal with them, I'm here for you." I've told her that already - actually what I said was "I think you may have some prescription drug issues and when you're ready to deal with them honestly, I"m here for you," but BELIEVE ME, she didn't want to talk about that at all. No ma'am, not one bit.
She's not ready to deal with whatever the problem is, and I can't force her to do it. But I don't think that means that I have to tolerate ongoing flakiness. I mean, I may have to be around it to some extent, but I don't have to enable it or get myself all wadded up in it, I don't think.
It's tough.
I know you can't force her into anything. I'm not suggesting you do. I am mindful of the fact she was an addict, opiate painkillers. Someone that's truly gotten themselves clean from drug abuse does not continue to do drugs, if they're truly honest with themselves about it. And if they've been addicted once, it's a short path indeed back to that road.
There's been plenty of good advice as to how not to get involved in her flakiness. You have full control over that.
I guess my broader point is this, if you have a really good friend for many years that is just that, a really good friend, that you are not dependent on for food, shelter, financial support, your general wellbeing - then given that the flakiness is a relatively minor issue in comparison to that friend having a much bigger albatross - you have freedom to choose whether you will stand by that person, to help if you can, annoyance aside, giving them the time they need to figure it out, as you would hope they would do for you.
Because I don't see why someone who is struggling with something should be afforded one opportunity to get it right, as some posters suggest. It's unlikely the friend is even capable of this, if they could, they probably would.
The measure of a good friendship is how it weathers the bad parts.
And if anyone thinks I'm suggesting you be a doormat, well I'm not, not everything needs to land at the extreme ends of the spectrum.
I am definitely going to take a break from this person.
But once again - I DO NOT chase this woman. I literally do not instigate more than 1 in probably 10 phone calls to her, and that's generally returning one of her calls to me. I do not instigate plans with her. I do not track her, or keep up with what she's doing on a daily basis or anything like that.
She literally never gives me a chance to do so because she's always there first. Not that I would chase her anyway, but it's like she never gives me a chance to miss her because I look around and there she is. Except for when she SAYS she's going to be there - then I can pretty much count on her NOT being there.
I am not shocked that she stood me up either, which is why I haven't even gotten dressed to go out to dinner this evening. I'm still in my house cleaning clothes!
Thank you, by the way, for the birthday wishes. My husband is out of town, but he took me out for a fabulous dinner to our most romantic spot right before he left. And I've actually been pretty spoiled by the attention from friends and family - but we've got a pretty big family, and that comes in handy during birthdays. My parents even gave me a $100 bill (which was so newly minted that I actually thought it was a fake one) in a card - which was pretty exciting! So I'm not counting on her for my birthday jollies - and it's a darn good thing I'm not!
You're welcome. How sweet of your husband and your parents.
Years ago I had a boss who became a friend who had this friend named Fran(like The Nanny....LOL), anyway every once in awhile I would ask about Fran since I met her a few times. They would say "I'm Franned out for now".....LOL. They're both gone now but were good friends but needed a break every once in awhile.
I know she seeks you out, but I would hide for awhile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzcat22
Happy birthday, Kathryn. Perhaps your "friend" gave you the ultimate birthday gift---you've been conflicted as to how much to take from her---so maybe this is the nail that seals the coffin. (Hey, most of us don't get a nail for our birthday---so at least it's a unique gift---and one that can get you off the up and down stuff and more into a place of equanimity, which you can experience on your own or with other friends and family).
This just happened way too soon after your last talk. Not sure another talk would accomplish anything...except further drain your energy.
And after getting stood up for lunch last week.
Scary about the prescription drugs, but right now it sounds like she has more of a friendship/interest in them than you.
Addicts have to have hard boundaries or they will walk all over you, even when they don't mean to. It's usually all or nothing. The OP has offered guidance and help, I'm sure, and her friend shuts down without even trying.
At what point do you say "enough"? It's clearly consuming the OP's mind right now.
I know this is the rehab/interventionalist speak du jour.
As much as the addict is responsible for themselves, so is the OP. If it's consuming the OP's mind, she's the only one that can control that.
But I don't know, when do you say enough? There's plenty the OP can practically do to not get embroiled in the everyday drama. It's really up to her in that regard. But believe it or not, addicts are still people and given that the OP is not suffering any kind of actual distress like being taken advantage of financially, or being stolen from, then I guess it depends on how much she values the friend as a person.
Well, most everyone has been really helpful on this thread, and I've gotten a wide range of opinions and advice. Thank you, everyone. I'll update the thread when something happens. I don't expect to have much to do with her over the coming few weeks due to some things going on in my life, and that may be a blessing and give me some time and space to decide on a course of action without having her right in my face.
I like the phrase someone used "I'm Franned out." Yeah, I get that for sure.
What I don't get is that you apparently have been putting up with this behavior for almost a year right? What's the adage? You tell people exactly how you want to be treated. So, in essence you have told her time and time again that this behavior was completely acceptable. After one or two conversations? you have now told her that it isn't, so even though it took you almost a year to change YOUR behavior, you're expecting her to do a complete 180 in a period of a week or two?
What I don't get is that you apparently have been putting up with this behavior for almost a year right? What's the adage? You tell people exactly how you want to be treated. So, in essence you have told her time and time again that this behavior was completely acceptable. After one or two conversations? you have now told her that it isn't, so even though it took you almost a year to change YOUR behavior, you're expecting her to do a complete 180 in a period of a week or two?
This crept up on me. She didn't suddenly start standing me up all the time a year ago. It was a gradual thing, and so at first the excuses seemed plausible. It's only been in the last two or three months that it's become absolutely pathological. And in that time period I have told her several times, in increasingly urgent tones, that I am getting very fed up with it - and concerned about her health (mostly mental, if you want to know the truth).
And like I said, she's always been a bit flaky and flighty. At first I chalked it up to that, along with a particularly stressful time in her life (stepdaughter and two grandkids living with them temporarily - sheeze, that would stress anyone out).
So no - I haven't told her that this incessant behavior is completely acceptable, but I have probably accepted more than I should have, for the sake of a very long friendship, for awhile now.
Yes, I do expect her to take what I say seriously, though. She's not an idiot. And I don't make "proclamations" or statements such as "This behavior is worrying and frustrating and hurting me," very often - actually I don't recall ever telling her this before. I did think it would get her attention - and in fact it did for about a week.
Interesting update. She has now sent me numerous photos and texts of herself enjoying her time in Dallas, with a group of people I don't know - one of which woke me up last night at 1 am. As soon as I heard the text notification I knew it was her. She has said in nearly all of these texts things along the lines of, "I love you! Can't wait to talk to you! We'll talk this week!" ?????? What the heck?
I haven't responded to any of them. This is a new and strange behavior of hers. We don't generally send very many texts to each other and now I'm receiving multiple texts and photos and "I love yous!" and the like, well into the night when she is normally in bed by 10 pm? Now she's waking me up with inane texts of her holding up a wine glass and grinning like a Cheshire cat and saying "I love you!" at 1 am?
This crept up on me. She didn't suddenly start standing me up all the time a year ago. It was a gradual thing, and so at first the excuses seemed plausible. It's only been in the last two or three months that it's become absolutely pathological. And in that time period I have told her several times, in increasingly urgent tones, that I am getting very fed up with it - and concerned about her health (mostly mental, if you want to know the truth).
And like I said, she's always been a bit flaky and flighty. At first I chalked it up to that, along with a particularly stressful time in her life (stepdaughter and two grandkids living with them temporarily - sheeze, that would stress anyone out).
So no - I haven't told her that this incessant behavior is completely acceptable, but I have probably accepted more than I should have, for the sake of a very long friendship, for awhile now.
Yes, I do expect her to take what I say seriously, though. She's not an idiot. And I don't make "proclamations" or statements such as "This behavior is worrying and frustrating and hurting me," very often - actually I don't recall ever telling her this before. I did think it would get her attention - and in fact it did for about a week.
Interesting update. She has now sent me numerous photos and texts of herself enjoying her time in Dallas, with a group of people I don't know - one of which woke me up last night at 1 am. As soon as I heard the text notification I knew it was her. She has said in nearly all of these texts things along the lines of, "I love you! Can't wait to talk to you! We'll talk this week!" ?????? What the heck?
I haven't responded to any of them. This is a new and strange behavior of hers. We don't generally send very many texts to each other and now I'm receiving multiple texts and photos and "I love yous!" and the like, well into the night when she is normally in bed by 10 pm? Now she's waking me up with inane texts of her holding up a wine glass and grinning like a Cheshire cat and saying "I love you!" at 1 am?
I am honestly wondering if she's lost her mind.
She's high. She's high when she makes plans, she's high when she doesn't remember them, she's high when she texts you at 1am with the classic "I love you man!" high person vernacular.
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