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What you are witnessing with your son, is those toys are his security blanket. When he feels down, he brings them out and uses them to destress. This is common in families where the parents divorce. He no longer has both parents, and is still suffering from the divorce. When he gets out the toys that represent the time of live when he had two parents and felt secure, he is doing it as a means to turn back to the good times those toys represent. When you want to take the toys away from him like your have been trying to do, you are just giving him more stress that the divorce represents. You want to take away from him, the toys that represent the good times when he had a whole family. You are just hurting him more, when you try this. He may never completely get over your family breaking up. Leave him alone about his toys, etc. They represent the good times when he felt secure, that you stripped from when you moved on with your life and left him behind.
If you want to do something to make your son hate you, take away what still represents the good times to your son. Take away his last security blanket, breaking his spirit doing it, and you will wonder in future years why he hates you.
Your son was and is absolutely traumatized by the divorce. You have no idea about this because, as you said, he never talks about it. He NEEDS to talk about it! Get him into therapy. Find him a good therapist who he feels comfortable talking to and let him work through this emotional trauma. Stop worrying about his toys and start addressing the reason that he needs and wants to play with these toys. He's acting like an 8 year old because that was the last age he was when he felt secure.
Get him some emotional help NOW! And in the meantime, let him have his toys. He will give them up soon enough, when he feels secure again. That isn't going to happen unless and until you get him some help.
To the people that are telling the OP to "just love your kid" or "don't be a bully" - come on now. Does that really contribute anything to this thread?
Most people here said, "Just love your kid AS HE IS." Few called him a bully. Even fewer suggested he didn't love him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by axg
Anyways, I think your son is right on the cusp of maturity. Actively playing with stuffed animals won't last and I think you will be surprised of the effect that high school will have on him. He will most likely phase it out naturally to satisfy peer perception and find new interests
....
I don't think you should be concerned. Let it ride out, because it will.
You just repeated the most consistent advice offered here by other parents.
I have a 14 year old son who primarily lives with me, his mother has him during the summer and on most weekends, and some holidays.
Our divorce was amicable and happened when he was 8, we live in the same town and there's not much bad blood between us. He was not really traumatized by the divorce.
Anyway, he is very smart academically, but emotionally seems to be years behind the other kids. He still plays with his toys and will not let go of his stuffed animals he has had since he was a little child. He literally still sleeps with one specific one.
I have tried to separate him from the toys in the last couple of years, but he wont. He has boxes of old toys he only occasionally plays with, and TONS of legos.
I figured that he would eventually be growing out of this phase, he's in 8th grade, going into high school next year, but he's 14 going on 10 emotionally.
At what point should I be legitimately concerned about this? It's not normal. I recently started asking him what he wants for Christmas, and let him create an Amazon "wish list". It's full of toys and a couple more stuffed animals.
I stopped buying him toys a few years back. I won't do it. I buy him books, and video games, board games which he also loves, challenging stuff. His mom and other relatives still do. I have brought it up to his mom too and she sees nothing wrong with it. I see them as enabling it.
Looking back on myself at that age, I gave up toys when I was about 10 or 11, maybe sooner. He has no diagnosed mental deficiencies or handicaps, I just don't know what to do. He's always been socially awkward, but honestly I was too at that age, I know middle school can be rough. But he's way behind and I am worried. This christmas list thing really has me concerned... he turns 15 in March
Oh, also, girls. Is still of the mindset that girls have cuties, wants nothing to do with them. Recently went to a middle school dance just so he didn't have to ride the bus home (no, I had to pick him up). I asked him if he danced with any girls, or talked to them, he said, oooh, no. I asked what did you do the whole time, he sat on the bleachers and read a book.
I'm sorry this is bothering you, but do not take away his toys as you will stifle his creativity. You can encourage other hobbies, but let him decide when it's time to stop playing. Grown men play with toys, the toys are just more expensive, but none the less they are still toys.
I have an interesting prospective as I was alot like your son at that. Like him I was years emotionally years behind my peers, as in the 14 going on 10. I to was staying home playing with my toys and legos rather than out socializing with my peers, although I never had much interest in stuff animals and instead spent far more time drawing.
For myself was this a problem? Yes it was and I resented my parents for their reaction. But for your son I don't know if that is the case due to some unique circumstances in my situation.
First of all both my parents did not seem bothered by the fact that I had no friends in middle school. One of the reasons being that they or particularly my dad, viewed other teens as bad kids doing things like drinking and smoking. They were always harping on how I need to stay on the right side of the tracks as if I was a rebellious kid even when I wasn't hanging around with others my page. They seemed to place no importance on growing up and instead seem to almost be cheered by the fact that I wasn't growing up. I just felt totally unprepared for adulthood.
Another thing is that my parents didn't promote how important being confident, being motivated and having social skills is to getting ahead and life. Not to mention trying new things. In my case I didn't do any activities or sports outside of school from grade 3 until up to grade 11. My parents did not push or hardly even mention doing extracurricular activities and this gave me resentment.
Now for your son I don't know what he's thinking inside or if being emotionally immature is a problem for him as it was for me. First of all I would worry less about the toys and the stuff animals and more about your other concerns. While having social skills is very important I believe that it's more important that he's confidant and motivated. It sounds like he's a introvert which I kind of was and if that's the case well nothing's going to change him. That's who he is. This is where confidence and motivation can make a difference in compensating for his introvertness when the time calls for it.
Another thing which you never mentioned is if he does any extracurricular activities outside of school. Things like sports or a club. Just something he can pursue his interests in and meet others his age. These can be a big help in finding others like him. I do think that he is a geek and from what I read geeks usually do well in life. I don't know if you ever head the expression "the jocks who ruled school end up pumping gas, while the nerds end up ruling the world".
Plus maybe your son finds adulthood very intimidating. A year or so ago I read an article in the Atlantic on teens not finding being an adult appealing due to how hard it is to get ahead, how high student loans are and how hard getting a good job is. Some teens prefer to stay as a kid and I was kind of the same way.
One more suggestion I have is to try to open up the lines of communication with your son. Make him feel comfortable to open up you, even if it's something he doesn't think you'll like what you hear. I wonder if your son is picking up on subtle signals from you that was the opposite of what I picked up from my parents. In that he thinks that you're not letting him be himself, maybe he thinks you should back off. This also can lead to resentment. That's why good communication is important.
Just let him be himself man, he'll find his own way. You should be glad he doesn't like girls yet, there were kids in my school getting pregnant around that age.
I have a 14 year old son who primarily lives with me, his mother has him during the summer and on most weekends, and some holidays.
Our divorce was amicable and happened when he was 8, we live in the same town and there's not much bad blood between us. He was not really traumatized by the divorce.
Anyway, he is very smart academically, but emotionally seems to be years behind the other kids. He still plays with his toys and will not let go of his stuffed animals he has had since he was a little child. He literally still sleeps with one specific one.
I have tried to separate him from the toys in the last couple of years, but he wont. He has boxes of old toys he only occasionally plays with, and TONS of legos.
I figured that he would eventually be growing out of this phase, he's in 8th grade, going into high school next year, but he's 14 going on 10 emotionally.
At what point should I be legitimately concerned about this? It's not normal. I recently started asking him what he wants for Christmas, and let him create an Amazon "wish list". It's full of toys and a couple more stuffed animals.
I stopped buying him toys a few years back. I won't do it. I buy him books, and video games, board games which he also loves, challenging stuff. His mom and other relatives still do. I have brought it up to his mom too and she sees nothing wrong with it. I see them as enabling it.
Looking back on myself at that age, I gave up toys when I was about 10 or 11, maybe sooner. He has no diagnosed mental deficiencies or handicaps, I just don't know what to do. He's always been socially awkward, but honestly I was too at that age, I know middle school can be rough. But he's way behind and I am worried. This christmas list thing really has me concerned... he turns 15 in March
Oh, also, girls. Is still of the mindset that girls have cuties, wants nothing to do with them. Recently went to a middle school dance just so he didn't have to ride the bus home (no, I had to pick him up). I asked him if he danced with any girls, or talked to them, he said, oooh, no. I asked what did you do the whole time, he sat on the bleachers and read a book.
For real?
My 21 year old daughter and I just spent 3 hours last night assembling the lego research vessel set (Dr. Sylvia Earl :;squeee:. I am 43, well employed, married, kids. and I have a graduate degree. I am also a geek who has always been into legos and other building toys, so are my adult kids. With the lego sets, we usually donate them to the local childrens hospital when we are done (not with this one...I mentioned the Dr. Sylvia Earl lego right?).
Anyway, geeks are awesome now. Congrats, you have one on your hands! Let him follow his passions, maybe he will be an engineer, and if you feel it is necessary encourage him to ALSO pursue some other hobbies, I grew up surfing in addition to being a geek.
But the worst thing you could do is try to convince him to give up what he loves.
My 21 year old daughter and I just spent 3 hours last night assembling the lego research vessel set (Dr. Sylvia Earl :;squeee:. I am 43, well employed, married, kids. and I have a graduate degree. I am also a geek who has always been into legos and other building toys, so are my adult kids. With the lego sets, we usually donate them to the local childrens hospital when we are done (not with this one...I mentioned the Dr. Sylvia Earl lego right?).
Anyway, geeks are awesome now. Congrats, you have one on your hands! Let him follow his passions, maybe he will be an engineer, and if you feel it is necessary encourage him to ALSO pursue some other hobbies, I grew up surfing in addition to being a geek.
But the worst thing you could do is try to convince him to give up what he loves.
And again I'll say you're comparing apples to oranges. You building the lego set with your daughter is very different from a teenage boy making stuffed animals talk to each other, alone.
I stand by my opinion that the boy is uncomfortable with something in is life, be it divorce or social anxiety etc, and is using they toys as a defense mechanism and escape from life and growing up.
I have a 13yo son (14 in March, also going into high school next year) who is very into his stuffed animals (they are his friends) and legos, is very awkward socially and does not want to do things with peers, very smart academically, not athletic at all, and very into science and technology, not into girls at all. He's also on the autism spectrum and he's perfectly wonderful. I'm not saying your son has autism spectrum disorder, but the similarities struck me immediately. Sometimes kids who are high functioning and academically gifted/smart do not get a diagnosis until much later.
I also have a 15yo son in 10th grade who is more into video games (not really into toys any more although he will occasionally build legos with brother), is NOT into girls at all, somewhat socially awkward, very smart, and NOT on the spectrum.
If your son is really into toys, refusing them and trying to shame him into giving those up (I'm not clear on if you're actually shaming him, but it sounds like you're definitely giving him the impression this is not ok at his age, and you're talking to other adults about him and his play preferences) is not going to solve anything and stands to negatively impact his self-esteem. In spite of our best efforts, we can't control who our children are. We can encourage and guide, but they are ultimately their own people.
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. I am 43, well employed, married, kids. and I have a graduate degree. I am also a geek who has always been into legos and other building toys, so are my adult kids. With the lego sets, we usually donate them to the local childrens hospital when we are done (not with this one...I mentioned the Dr. Sylvia Earl lego right?).
