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First thing I learned once my kids became adults..was be able to say NO..and No and maintain that consistent theme. Doesn't mean yu don't Love them..Just means you cannot bail them out for BAD decisions they make...IF you do spend money on them to help them out..make sure it's a LOAN..and get a signed contract..because otherwise..they will never understand..There's responsibility and payback..even IF you die..they will be responsible for that debt to your Estate..especially if their siblings have asked for nothing..why should their inheritance be affected?? ..LOL Sorry don't mean to be morbid..but Adult children need to realize..NO FREE Rides!!
I agree with you 100% but sadly if the kids come from a split family and the ex does not believe that then guess who is the bad guy
Does the family that moved away make a difference? My dad promised my mom that he'd take her home to VA. once a year, if she'd move us out to CA. My poor dad made that long trip over 40 times in his lifetime.
(mom didn't drive) This number also counted rushing back for funerals. Hard to believe he drove us straight through without sleep one time.
My grandma never, ever came out to visit. She's the one that said whoever moves away has to do the visiting. I believe its whoever has the time and money. My kid w/grands moved from CA. to MO. so I did the only thing I could and followed them. That's not for everyone, and it just worked out it was the best thing for me.
OP, I also like the meet in the middle suggestion and hope it works for you. I also have 2 dogs. If I boarded them or left them with strangers, one would hang himself. He couldn't handle being away from me, he's my shadow and loves me more than food.
Its a shame families move away from each other. In a perfect world we'd all be close and in the same town.
Dear god no! Distance is a good thing for quite a few families.
This is me…but life isn't fair, lol. My husband and I pay to travel and visit his parents and NY family every year. His parents have come a couple of times over the years but none of his 5 siblings. We also pay for my stepdaughter and her kids to visit when we are in Florida for the winter. While in TN(about 7 months a year) we have her and the grands over for breakfast every sunday. This has been going on for years. Not once has she invited us for a meal. It makes it hard to want to keep being the one to "make" things work.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
This may sound obvious, but have you or your husband ever said "Hey, how about next Sunday we go to your house for breakfast?" Or "Let's switch off houses every week?"
Within my extended family we had a similar situation where the adult child/spouse & grandchildren regularly went to grandma & grandpa's house for meals because they thought that is what the older couple wanted, even though they (the daughter & SIL)really wanted to host more meals at their house.
The grandparents never mentioned anything to them,but in fact felt taken advantage of because the adult child never invited them to their house. This went on for several years with each couple assuming that they were doing what the other couple wanted them to do.
Luckily the older couple complained to the same person that the adult daughter complained to, who advised them to actually talk to each other. After an somewhat hesitant discussion, the problem was solved, and when they got together for meals it was divided more evenly between their houses. Everyone was happy.
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Originally Posted by younglisa7
Yes we did try that but there is the excuse that it is her husband's quiet time…and she is just too busy…working 20 hours a week It did work though when my husband asked them to help clear the table and help me with the dishes. He got tired of them treating it like a restaurant for years and they finally starting helping me last month. Yeah…who knew you needed to ask people to do the decent thing.
You are right though…to some people some things just don't occur and sometimes it can work out.
Depending on the age of your grandchildren, it may be better to start traditions that do not involve putting all (or most) of the work on YOU. Unless your husband is cleaning the house & doing the cooking every Sunday for his daughter and her kids I can see how the resentment would build up. Heck, step-daughter should have been helping with the clean-up & with the dishes from the very first time. I wonder why your husband never said anything earlier. Did he just do all of the clean-up & dishes himself?
Maybe a movie night or game night with the grandkids & just popcorn or snacks, or planning some picnics in the park where step-daughter provides half the food. Or just watch the grandkids at their sporting events or similar things.
You can't go to step-daughter's house because it is her hubby's "quiet time"? Sheesh! Maybe she/they should invite you for dinner on Friday night or Sunday night or for Saturday breakfast. Or does her husband have "quiet time" then, too?
Your hubby should have told her years ago that it is only fair that she invite you to her house, too.
It's also not just the expense of boarding, these dogs are older and if they have never been boarded or not boarded in awhile it's stressful to them, after all they are stuck in a cage for most of the day.
I also happen to be on the same page as phonelady and would not be comfortable letting strangers into my home, I don't care if they are bonded.
When I lived up the road from my son, he and DIL would take care of my cat and I would take care of their dog. I'm 1200 miles away now and would much prefer to fly but I'm not paying $125 one way for the cat, I am not confining her in a little cat carrier for who knows how many hours, so I drive. She has a nice small dog crate she travels in just fine.
Phonelady hope the 3 hour trip for you and son can work out.
And the cost of a hotel, which posters keep forgetting. The OP has extra room, the son does not.
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Originally Posted by randomparent
Huh? Plenty of reliable and responsible teenagers provide dog-walking and pet-sitting services. My own children do this for our neighbors, and they do a great job! Honestly, the way you talk about teenagers makes me wonder if you actually know any. The very idea that a kid, MY KID, solely by virtue of being under the age of twenty, would let a pet die, is disturbing to say the least. You'd be very lucky to have one of my children take care of your pets. They absolutely adore all of the animals on our street and always go above and beyond the basics when pet-sitting.
I'm a huge fan of teens, but I won't hire one to watch my 14 yr old dog either. She needs help getting up these days, and a lot of patience to get food and meds into her.
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Originally Posted by younglisa7
This is me…but life isn't fair, lol. My husband and I pay to travel and visit his parents and NY family every year. His parents have come a couple of times over the years but none of his 5 siblings. We also pay for my stepdaughter and her kids to visit when we are in Florida for the winter. While in TN(about 7 months a year) we have her and the grands over for breakfast every sunday. This has been going on for years. Not once has she invited us for a meal. It makes it hard to want to keep being the one to "make" things work.
You might be doing better than we are, we've never been offered so much as a cool glass of water.
I just got through telling my son that I could not afford to take a trip to see the grandkids this year because the dogs cost too much to board now . He then proceeded to tell me he guesses the dogs are more important than the grandkids are , I told him no it was just a financial situation and I live on a fixed income as well they know that .I also told them they were capable of coming here as well . I have offered them the extra room I have for them to sleep in . Oh no that would be too hard to drag the kids and stuff up here . I swear I just cannot win with them . I don't know how grown children can get an attitude so quick with their parents . I guess I have offended them because I wont jump through hoops financially to go down for a visit .I truly think that they don't know what it is to live on a fixed income and how hard that is . well now I want to hear from other grandparents in similar sittuations and what did you do ? or what do you do ? I admit it has been two years since I have gone down but there is just nothing I can do in the realm of finances this year .
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why do adult kids try to guilt you into something ?
REVENGE!! HAHAHAHA No, I'm kidding. As to the bolded part. Your son said this to you? He's a bold soul. My Momma would have slapped me through the phone lol.
Honestly, there are ways to find someone to watch two dogs. I understand that they are "like family" but they are not actual family. Your son misses you and needs you and wants to see you. Life is short. Spend as much time as possible with family. So many people wish that they had one last vacation together....
6 hours one way works out to about $120 total for gas roundtrip.
Front your son the money if he doesn't have it and tell him to come visit. You have the spare room. The hotel and dog boarding are the large expenses in the equation. Otgerwsue you are looking at gas money and extra groceries.
Oh I became a negligent grandparent years ago when :
1. I refused to be several of my kids personal ATM machine when they make more money than I do !!
2 I refused to buy a perfectly good cornflower blue and cream upholstered chair for a THREE year olds "reading room" for well over $200 and have it RE -Upholstered in the very same but LAURA ASHLEY cornflower blue and cream striped fabric .. This was one of my daughter in laws , she will not speak to me anymore.
This happened in 2011 and I guess I will never be forgiven by my DIL for not having the $200 to buy the chair in the first place - I still have a 15 year old left to raise . They make triple what I do.
I do not bug that particular son about it AT ALL because I don't want him to have to make a choice . He told her not to ask me about the chair, that I was already struggling . My son and grand daughter send me vids when my daughter in law is asleep or gone .. we keep it breezy and happy .
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It did work though when my husband asked them to help clear the table and help me with the dishes. He got tired of them treating it like a restaurant for years and they finally starting helping me last month. Yeah…who knew you needed to ask people to do the decent thing.
