7 Dates in and No Sex -Time to End it or Be Patient? (how to, surprise)

[OmegaSparks]

Originally Posted by neutrino78x

I tried to post this before but it looks like it didn't show up? I just wanted to post that I still think the reason you guys are having this problem is that you are dating The Backwards Way, which is how most people apparently do it.

The proper way -- in my opinion -- is to meet people in A PLATONIC CONTEXT, and get to know them IN A PLATONIC CONTEXT, for months or years and THEN start talking about dating/sex.

But you guys, and most people, seem to want to start in a romantic context with a stranger. That's a problem because now you have to go from knowing nothing about the person to deciding if you like them enough to have sex with them in only a small number of meetings.

I have no idea why most people want to do it that way. I don't relate to it at all. If I don't know somebody already, why am I spending time with them for romantic purposes? That makes no sense to me.

Absolutely no
If i did this ill just end up sexually fustrated and pissed as ****.

[neutrino78x]

Originally Posted by 4eversearching

It showed up, and I said it seems weird to me as well. It's tough to do it this way, though, because if you're attracted to someone, you're automatically going to think about the romantic/sexual part first.

Well, to me sexual and romantic are two different things. I'm sexually attracted to probably 80% or 90% of the women I encounter. I have had romantic feelings for maybe six people in my entire life. None of them reciprocated, hence I am still a virgin.

It's usually when you don't find someone attractive, when it's strictly platonic. That's why many women want to get to know a guy first, before jumping into bed. We want to be sure we actually do get along as friends, have things in common, get along, etc., then go about the sexual stuff. Apparently we're nuns, though, if we want to actually get to know a guy's personality at all. Who knew?

Well, you see, that's close to what I want, but we're still not entirely on the same page.

I want a romantic relationship to develop from a platonic friendship.

I don't understand this whole thing where you have to get someone random person whom you don't know at all, and somehow form a relationship from that. Like it has to be in a silo separate from your other friends. These are my friends, and over here is this other person, who was never my friend, but ends up being my girlfriend. It seems unnatural to me.

I always remember that line from Lost, when Ana Lucia comes to the Island and asks Jack if he has slept with Kate yet. He says, "what??". And she says, "you're stuck on an island, you're hot, she's hot, it's what people do." But Kate and Jack got to know each other as friends first. They didn't go on romantic dates. They started out as strangers, then met, then got to know each other, became friends, romantic feelings developed, they eventually kissed and slept together.

But it seems the way you do it in "dating" is go from stranger to sex in X number of meetings...wouldn't it be better to get to know them OUTSIDE of the relationship...and then after you have known them for months, THEN you talk about feelings or kiss or whatever?

That's why you guys are having this problem, because you're dating people you didn't already know. If you knew them for months or years, then you would already know and trust them, and if you both felt that way it would be natural to sleep together. Instead you're meeting these strangers and you don't already have romantic feelings, yet you're putting yourselves in a romantic situation.

So yeah I mean I don't really agree with either side in this thread. I'm probably more on the side of "wait", but only because you're starting out as strangers. If you started out as friends and knew each other before you discussed any romantic aspect then I would be on the side of "do it on the first date".

The closest I have been to what I want is probably with J (when I type out whole names the moderators delete my post). We met the first time I took college courses, right after high school. I was 20 and she was 28. She was talking to one of the teachers about colonizing Mars. That happens to be one of my favorite subjects. So we started talking about that. And then other stuff. And we would talk for 20 minutes before and after class, twice a week for three months. By the end I had strong feelings for her. But, while we were getting to know each other, I made the decision to join the Navy, and I told her of my feelings just before I left for boot camp. Well, I just said I found myself thinking of her often. And she said, sarcastically, "you're making me feel really good now" since I was leaving. But I don't know if that was an indication that she was feeling the same or not. Given my heartbreaks with everyone else, I assume not.

She emailed me while I was in and wanted me to tell her when the submarine was going into San Diego so we could "get together for a drink and catch up." Well, I couldn't tell her when or if the boat was going into San Diego because it was classified (I knew but couldn't say). When we did get there, I called her, but she was working two jobs at the time and could not meet on short notice. She's on my facebook now, and we talk from time to time, but she lives in Florida now, taking care of her mother who has become quadriplegic after a stroke.

If I hadn't decided to go into the Navy I would have asked her out that day. And I think it would have been a natural decision to be together that night because we had already known each other for a while. That's how I think dating should be done. The way it is usually done is backwards, in my opinion.

oh well...lately I've been trying to see if I can shift myself into a new paradigm where maybe I can settle for sex with someone who is a friend but I don't have romantic feelings, since no one seems to reciprocate. I don't know if that's something I can do....it may not be in my nature...but without reciprocation of romantic feelings, maybe I need to build on lower levels of intimacy.

--Brian

[neutrino78x]

Originally Posted by OmegaSparks

Absolutely no
If i did this ill just end up sexually fustrated and pissed as ****.

it is mainly the lack of reciprocation that makes me feel sad. Every time someone learns of my feelings, either (1) they just want to be platonic friends or (2) they don't want to hear from me ever again.

One pattern I have noticed over the years is that (2) is more likely to happen when I don't tell the person directly, like I trust the wrong person with my feelings, and they tell her but make it sound like I am someone I'm not. Like how J2 told T only five seconds out of a five minute conversation, and it was five seconds that made me sound like I was just lusting after T when in fact I felt romantic feelings for her. I had been friends with T for two years so it was rough when that ended our friendship. Of course J2 was a lesbian and also had feelings for T, but for some reason J2 thought J2 should destroy my friendship with T even though I was clear that I had no intention of trying to be with T at that time.

And then this latest thing with M getting married and me stupidly telling her mom I felt sad. That seemed to end my friendship with people who are very important to me. I don't know why they reacted that way; it seems like a massive overreaction, from my perspective. Maybe time will heal that wound between us...maybe it won't.

But yeah, my way seems to make the other person uncomfortable, but the concept of dating a stranger who was never my friend makes me uncomfortable. So everybody's uncomfortable in my case.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by neutrino78x

But yeah, my way seems to make the other person uncomfortable, but the concept of dating a stranger who was never my friend makes me uncomfortable. So everybody's uncomfortable in my case.

Including us reading about it again and again.

[ATG5]

Originally Posted by 4eversearching

Well, yeah, being a gentleman does make a guy more deserving of sleeping with a woman, rather than some pig who's just in it to "tap dat azz", or whatever that classeh dude said that I quoted. And you're the one who's talking about "counting dates". If a guy is actually "counting dates", and not wanting to get to know the woman as a real person, rather than just a warm hole, then that guy is a loser, who does not deserve sex.
I've said a million times here (if you'd actually read the thread..) that, yeah, tons of women screw guys the night they meet them. The reason there are piggish guys out there is because tons of women allow them to be that way. The thing I take issue with is the loser guys, who say women are "prudes", "hate sex", or, my favorite, "have experienced trauma", just because she wants to get to know a guy a little first, before jumping in the sack with him. To each their own, but if a guy puts down a woman and judges her because she wants to wait more than 2 minutes to lift her skirt, then that guy is an idiot who needs to grow up.

I have read through this thread, but I don't feel like 4eversearching through all of your posts to see if you made such an acknowledgement, considering this thread turned into a train wreck about 10 pages back.

I'm not sure why you're getting so riled up about men who call a woman a prude for waiting for sex, there are plenty of women who would have not-so-nice things to say about a man who waits. Either way, if that person shows their true feelings like that about one's decision to wait to have sex, then it's obvious that person isn't deserving of their time.

And to your first point, about how being a gentleman can make a guy more deserving of getting sex, I'd like to direct your attention to the below post:

Originally Posted by MoonBeam33

Ah, but that's just it. No one deserves sex. Sex is something that two people mutually decide together to share. And it is the male lack of understanding of this fact that leads little boys to turn dating and sex into power struggles and mind games. They think they deserve it because they have a wee-wee and they want to use it.

Or....men think they deserve it, because women tell him he's more deserving if he's a gentleman and more patient. Then some women turn around and act surprised when they find out the guy they had been seeing was faking his gentleman-ness in order to "tap dat azz".

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by OmegaSparks

Who says its not possible to have a LTR with someone you slept with on the first date?

People of City Data, please tell me why I can't keep a girlfriend for too long?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

People of City Data, please tell me why I can't keep a girlfriend for too long?

I don't think that means anything. Most of my LTRs have been with people I slept with before our first date, first date, or second, and at least half the weddings I've been to were of people that slept together first date or earlier.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by timberline742

I don't think that means anything. Most of my LTRs have been with people I slept with before our first date, first date, or second, and at least half the weddings I've been to were of people that slept together first date or earlier.

I slept with my husband soon too. We were boffing at 15. But Omega has trouble making his relationships last. He's talking about moving with his current girlfriend ... whom he started dating a month ago. In his other threads, he talks about how much he loves feeling in love, with the marshmallows and special puffy bunny cuddles and all the goo. They don't stay, however.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

I slept with my husband soon too. We were boffing at 15. But Omega has trouble making his relationships last. He's talking about moving with his current girlfriend ... whom he started dating a month ago. In his other threads, he talks about how much he loves feeling in love, with the marshmallows and special puffy bunny cuddles and all the goo. They don't stay, however.

Ok, yeah, that's different.

I have trouble making relationships last too, but it has nothing to do with sleeping with someone too soon.

[ChessieMom]

Relationships are not a one-size-fits-all. Neither are people. I know plenty of people, happily married to people that they knew for years, before developing an attraction to and relationship with. It happens all the time. I've experienced it myself, so I don't know why anyone would think it strange or unusual...it's not.

It's also not unusual to meet someone and right away dive into a relationship.

Totally depends on the people involved, and the situation and timing. Sometimes it's the right way...sometimes not. That's what common sense and brains are for.