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But I live in the most dense part of the the search radius, also the further someone is from you the less time you can spend with them, lets say I expanded my search radius to 50 miles, it does not seem that far, but that's an hour drive on average(thanks to the jacked up traffic here), and that is at odd hours, (I made it that distance in 29 minutes once) during peek times it can take 2 - 4 hours to travel that distance(like when the hypothetical GF is getting off work to come see me or I am driving to meet her after she gets off work). That 2-8 hours a day of just drive time that chit would get expensive over time.
Or you end up just seeing each other on the weekends and that starts to feel like a mere FWB situation.
Well, you aren't finding someone close by. What's better?
A - Finding someone who lives farther away, getting in a relationship, and wanting to spend more time together or
B- Sticking close to home, doing what you've done without success for years, and not finding someone at all?
If you think finding no one at all is better, then don't look father afield. If you think it would be better to be in a relationship even if it's not 100% exactly like you want it to be (including time-wise), then take the advice given in this thread and look farther than your 20 mile radius.
For what it's worth, I used to have a close by radius too when online dating. I had no luck so I tried farther out and found someone. Do we not get to spend as much time together as we'd like? Of course. We both have busy careers on top of living a good hour and half drive apart. But that just makes us make the most of the time we have. And we still talk on most days (nearly every day).
It's great to have standards, but you need to evaluate them every now and then and make adjustments to match your reality. Being stuck in one's ways usually leads to stagnation. Even in dating.
Dude. You posted pics of ultra thin (one at least sickly so) kids.
We are about the same age. I'm 47. Grew up in the hardcore scene (mostly DC and NYHC) and some goth/industrial scene (Laibach, Front 242, to Christian Death, Dead Can Dance... Propaganda Magazine, etc).
Guess what? I was a kid. We were KIDS. Even those of us still into the music and going to shows DO NOT look and dress like this. Why the heck would we? We are adults, with careers, homes. We grew up if we had our act together, that doesn't mean we got boring, it's just not about projecting and image to others.
You are so consumed with the trappings of youth and having an unhealthy obsessively co dependent relationship... it's really concerning, at best.
Yep. I used to dress in all black back in the day down to the black leather jacket, etc. I suppose I was proto-goth in appearance (although my music taste was more varied and with more of a focus on progressive rock like Pink Floyd and Moody Blues). Do I dress and act out that way any more? No. That's what kids do: wear their image literally on their sleeves and shout it to the world. But I am still the same person at heart, with the same tastes, etc. I am just more grown up about it all.
Yep. I used to dress in all black back in the day down to the black leather jacket, etc. I suppose I was proto-goth in appearance (although my music taste was more varied and with more of a focus on progressive rock like Pink Floyd and Moody Blues). Do I dress and act out that way any more? No. That's what kids do: wear their image literally on their sleeves and shout it to the world. But I am still the same person at heart, with the same tastes, etc. I am just more grown up about it all.
Like I said it was not a fully formed subculture yet, so they hadn't formed a musical requirement yet lol, though most of them were into groups like "The Cure" or "the Smiths" I knew some that listened to Simon & Garfunkel.
One of the things I learned as a bouncer at stripclubs and from going to biker friendly bars was that many of those grungy bikers were professionals, as in doctors, lawyers, accountants etc etc... you could usually spot them as they had no tatts on their face, neck or hands, now I'm not talking about RUB's(rich urban bikers) who woke up bored one day at 40 and decided to become a biker, I'm talking about guys/gals who have been living that life since their teens but had the smarts or opportunity to get degrees and professional jobs. many of them at 5PM can't get their monkey suit off fast enough... In those cases which is the REAL them? the 9-5 monkey suit version? or the gear they have been waiting all day to get back into and the life they CHOOSE to live on their days off. "Wearing your image on your sleeve" as you put it is simply a way for like minded people to easily spot you. and if you are ALT(tastes that run counter to the mainstream) at heart but you dress and act as part of the mainstream you are still wearing an image on your sleeve "it's just not your image".
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,940,305 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
One of the things I learned as a bouncer at stripclubs and from going to biker friendly bars was that many of those grungy bikers were professionals, as in doctors, lawyers, accountants etc etc... you could usually spot them as they had no tatts on their face, neck or hands, now I'm not talking about RUB's(rich urban bikers) who woke up bored one day at 40 and decided to become a biker, I'm talking about guys/gals who have been living that life since their teens but had the smarts or opportunity to get degrees and professional jobs. many of them at 5PM can't get their monkey suit off fast enough... In those cases which is the REAL them? the 9-5 monkey suit version? or the gear they have been waiting all day to get back into and the life they CHOOSE to live on their days off. "Wearing your image on your sleeve" as you put it is simply a way for like minded people to easily spot you. and if you are ALT(tastes that run counter to the mainstream) at heart but you dress and act as part of the mainstream you are still wearing an image on your sleeve "it's just not your image".
.
ALL OF IT.
It is who they are. When I'm wearing a Brooks Bros suite at a board meeting, or carharts and hiking boots with a fleece on a summit, or steel toe boots and a flight jacket at a show. It's THE REAL ME. All of it.
People as we mature are in lots of ways much more complex, much more multifaceted. And if we get to a good place we stop caring about people being able to identify us visually as part of their tribe. We learn that those trappings really don't tell us about a person and we care much less about them in others.
Like I said it was not a fully formed subculture yet, so they hadn't formed a musical requirement yet lol, though most of them were into groups like "The Cure" or "the Smiths" I knew some that listened to Simon & Garfunkel.
One of the things I learned as a bouncer at stripclubs and from going to biker friendly bars was that many of those grungy bikers were professionals, as in doctors, lawyers, accountants etc etc... you could usually spot them as they had no tatts on their face, neck or hands, now I'm not talking about RUB's(rich urban bikers) who woke up bored one day at 40 and decided to become a biker, I'm talking about guys/gals who have been living that life since their teens but had the smarts or opportunity to get degrees and professional jobs. many of them at 5PM can't get their monkey suit off fast enough... In those cases which is the REAL them? the 9-5 monkey suit version? or the gear they have been waiting all day to get back into and the life they CHOOSE to live on their days off. "Wearing your image on your sleeve" as you put it is simply a way for like minded people to easily spot you. and if you are ALT(tastes that run counter to the mainstream) at heart but you dress and act as part of the mainstream you are still wearing an image on your sleeve "it's just not your image".
Mod cut: copyrighted image.
No, back then I dressed that way because it was "cool" and to fit in with my group of friends. I wore some godawful clothes that I wouldn't personally choose to wear if it wasn't for group think. As grew up, I don't care anymore what people think of me and what I wear. I don't care if people "like me" can spot me or not. I wear jeans and a tee shirt most of the time because it's comfortable. That doesn't change who I am inside and I don't need to project who I am inside by dressing to conform to some style that I am supposed to have because of my personal preferences in music, arts, whatever.
Of course, this is way off track. My point in all that is you can't judge a book by it's cover (or person by their clothes). My real point was more about why not fish outside your usual pond. Is it better to be alone or is it better to meet someone and just not be able to spend as much time as you'd like with that person? Sure, both aren't ideal, but you can't always get what you want and those really are your two choices.
Like I said it was not a fully formed subculture yet, so they hadn't formed a musical requirement yet lol, though most of them were into groups like "The Cure" or "the Smiths" I knew some that listened to Simon & Garfunkel.
One of the things I learned as a bouncer at stripclubs and from going to biker friendly bars was that many of those grungy bikers were professionals, as in doctors, lawyers, accountants etc etc... you could usually spot them as they had no tatts on their face, neck or hands, now I'm not talking about RUB's(rich urban bikers) who woke up bored one day at 40 and decided to become a biker, I'm talking about guys/gals who have been living that life since their teens but had the smarts or opportunity to get degrees and professional jobs. many of them at 5PM can't get their monkey suit off fast enough... In those cases which is the REAL them? the 9-5 monkey suit version? or the gear they have been waiting all day to get back into and the life they CHOOSE to live on their days off. "Wearing your image on your sleeve" as you put it is simply a way for like minded people to easily spot you. and if you are ALT(tastes that run counter to the mainstream) at heart but you dress and act as part of the mainstream you are still wearing an image on your sleeve "it's just not your image".
Mod cut: copyrighted image.
People CHOOSE their careers too. That is the REAL them. This is where you get lost. I knew people who have tattoos and and piercings and are actually really great at their jobs. Do you think that a doctor who went through at least 11 and up to 15 years of schooling and training after HS picked that career because it is not the REAL them? People don’t commit to that level of training unless it is something they really want to do. I had primary card doctor who was super enthusiastic about his alma mater and would wear ridiculous outfits in the office. Guess what? He won lots of awards in the city for Best Doctor and his patients absolutely loved him. Having that level of character gave his patients something to relate to...
Most of us realize once we are above age 23 or 25 that this mentality you have makes no sense. We don’t need to fully wear our image on our sleeve all the time to express who we are, because who we are is inside us, not what we wear or what we put on our bodies.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,940,305 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
People CHOOSE their careers too. That is the REAL them. This is where you get lost. I knew people who have tattoos and and piercings and are actually really great at their jobs. Do you think that a doctor who went through at least 11 and up to 15 years of schooling and training after HS picked that career because it is not the REAL them? People don’t commit to that level of training unless it is something they really want to do. I had primary card doctor who was super enthusiastic about his alma mater and would wear ridiculous outfits in the office. Guess what? He won lots of awards in the city for Best Doctor and his patients absolutely loved him. Having that level of character gave his patients something to relate to...
Most of us realize once we are above age 23 or 25 that this mentality you have makes no sense. We don’t need to fully wear our image on our sleeve all the time to express who we are, because who we are is inside us, not what we wear or what we put on our bodies.
Really. It sounds like he thinks these people are "sell outs".
That's the type of mindset so many of us had in my teens. It's not mature.
Like I said it was not a fully formed subculture yet, so they hadn't formed a musical requirement yet lol, though most of them were into groups like "The Cure" or "the Smiths" I knew some that listened to Simon & Garfunkel.
One of the things I learned as a bouncer at stripclubs and from going to biker friendly bars was that many of those grungy bikers were professionals, as in doctors, lawyers, accountants etc etc... you could usually spot them as they had no tatts on their face, neck or hands, now I'm not talking about RUB's(rich urban bikers) who woke up bored one day at 40 and decided to become a biker, I'm talking about guys/gals who have been living that life since their teens but had the smarts or opportunity to get degrees and professional jobs. many of them at 5PM can't get their monkey suit off fast enough... In those cases which is the REAL them? the 9-5 monkey suit version? or the gear they have been waiting all day to get back into and the life they CHOOSE to live on their days off. "Wearing your image on your sleeve" as you put it is simply a way for like minded people to easily spot you. and if you are ALT(tastes that run counter to the mainstream) at heart but you dress and act as part of the mainstream you are still wearing an image on your sleeve "it's just not your image".
Mod cut: copyrighted image.
You are so, so, so caught up in image. Like high schoolers are.
Maybe it's time to talk to someone. You stopped progressing (emotionally) at a certain point. There are probably reasons. I don't know whether anyone here can really help you. I really do hope you work all this out.
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