Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
OP, if you stop and think about it, you'll realize, that the option to NOT break up due to a different ein wanting kids or not, doesn't exist. It's only a question of WHEN the breakup would happen. You (hypothetical "you") can break up pro-actively, before the issue comes to a head, or you can avoid stating your preference, knowing it differs from your bf's, and wait for the inevitable to occur years down the road. The chances that the other partner will change their mind is very slim. So, it's kind of a nonsensical question, from that perspective.
Hi Ruth! I was asking what other people would or wouldn't do....because with me, I am not desperately wanting a baby...or not wanting a baby. I'm in the middle...& I wouldn't even want to think about one for 3 to 5 more yrs. The relationship matters to me too, ofc.
I broke up with one man who didn't want children. I knew that there would be an emptiness for me if I didn't have children and grandchildren. I wanted a family oriented husband and found him shortly after the break up.
I am not desperately wanting a baby...or not wanting a baby. I'm in the middle...& I wouldn't even want to think about one for 3 to 5 more yrs.
The way I've read about this kind of idea is that you have to think of it from the perspective of your future self ... what you'll be giving up. That each of us has a life and a "sister life" that we'll never know. And it may help you to realize that no matter what you choose, there is going to be a loss.
If you choose this relationship, you will give up your chance to be a mother.
If you choose to be a mother, you are giving up the relationship with this particular man.
Knowing that there is loss either way can help you pivot from thinking you have to make "the right" choice, to just making a decision.
But kicking this particular can down the road can have serious emotional and physical consequences.
Hi Ruth! I was asking what other people would or wouldn't do....because with me, I am not desperately wanting a baby...or not wanting a baby. I'm in the middle...& I wouldn't even want to think about one for 3 to 5 more yrs. The relationship matters to me too, ofc.
Well, if you don't know whether you want to have a kid, that's a different matter. That's not the situation you first presented.
I would say up front, that I don't want kids, because I don't. What would be the point of not stating that up front? It would be dishonest, leading the other person on, only for them to find out in 5 or 10 years, that they would have to break up and start at Square One again, looking for a better match, if they did want kids.
But if you honestly don't know, well...that's a topic for another thread, lol. If you don't know, there's nothing to make any announcement about at this time, other than maybe saying you're not sure, or are undecided, if the topic arises.
For you...but that is the question I am putting out there. Some may decide they love their Bf or Gf more than the thought of a child one day.....& others would be adamant about having a child & risk finding someone else to partner or marry.
It is good for you that you have no regrets, tho it can be a big risk....
I know of few, if any people who dearly wanted to become parents yet remained out of love with partners who willfully denied them the chance at starting a family and didn't feel at least a tiny shred of of bitter regret about doing so--especially when they were around others with who did have children.
Health issues or infertility are in a different category entirely from being adamantly against parenthood as is being a bit ambivalent about the topic as you are. There's some wiggle room in not being certain about whether or not one wishes to be a mother or father that just isn't there when someone firmly states from the get-go that he or she does not wish to parent a child. I never forced the issue with any partner of mine who did not want to be a father as that would have disrespected his autonomy.
That being said, I rolled those particular dice and lost, but not because my former husband didn't want to have children (we both very much wanted to have a family), but due to circumstances that made it a poor choice to bring children into our marriage.
Not having a family still stings, but I wasn't going to run out and marry someone who I didn't love in order to have a child at the "eleventh hour"--no matter how much I wanted to be a mother as that would have been unfair to that man (and by extension, that child as it's good for he or she to witness a healthy, loving, and affectionate relationship between his or her parents).
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Well, if you don't know whether you want to have a kid, that's a different matter. That's not the situation you first presented.
I would say up front, that I don't want kids, because I don't. What would be the point of not stating that up front? It would be dishonest, leading the other person on, only for them to find out in 5 or 10 years, that they would have to break up and start at Square One again, looking for a better match, if they did want kids.
But if you honestly don't know, well...that's a topic for another thread, lol. If you don't know, there's nothing to make any announcement about at this time, other than maybe saying you're not sure, or are undecided, if the topic arises.
It's not an announcement....that's why the thread. I don't know how I feel about it....but we had the discussion because he wants my happiness too, if we aren't thinking alike. My thread was asking others...what they would do. Then...just a few posts after my 1st one, I explained that it was hard for me because I wasn't sure about wanting a baby or not. It really isn't something I thought I woud have to decide for sure.....at 31. But because he is older than me & knows how he feels for *sure* ..it does put the weight on me for what to do.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
The way I've read about this kind of idea is that you have to think of it from the perspective of your future self ... what you'll be giving up. That each of us has a life and a "sister life" that we'll never know. And it may help you to realize that no matter what you choose, there is going to be a loss.
If you choose this relationship, you will give up your chance to be a mother.
If you choose to be a mother, you are giving up the relationship with this particular man.
Knowing that there is loss either way can help you pivot from thinking you have to make "the right" choice, to just making a decision.
But kicking this particular can down the road can have serious emotional and physical consequences.
This is really a good post...thank you Birdie. A loss either way....& so true! It is why I feel a little "frozen" about it. I am putting pressure on myself about a "right" choice but if I wasn't in a relationship with him in the 1st place, I wouldn't even be *thinking* about kids without a fabulous relationship! So...maybe that's my answer........
But because he is older than me & knows how he feels for *sure* ..it does put the weight on me for what to do.
You knew him for months and communicated how you miss your stepson that you helped raise. He didn’t let you move all the way across the country to be with him, and then tell you something as important as he definitely won’t be fathering any children with you, did he? What a predicament.
This is really a good post...thank you Birdie. A loss either way....& so true! It is why I feel a little "frozen" about it. I am putting pressure on myself about a "right" choice but if I wasn't in a relationship with him in the 1st place, I wouldn't even be *thinking* about kids without a fabulous relationship! So...maybe that's my answer........
I'm very glad it helped.
However ...
The fact that you are only just now having this discussion:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh
....but we had the discussion because he wants my happiness too, if we aren't thinking alike. ... It really isn't something I thought I woud have to decide for sure.....at 31. But because he is older than me & knows how he feels for *sure* ..it does put the weight on me for what to do.
... is pretty crappy.
I mean, I know y'all have only been in the same city for about 6 months, but you've been talking to him longer than that, and at your ages this should have come up already.
Is this the first time that you've heard him say definitively that he doesn't want kids? Because for him to not have told you until now would be pretty ******.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
You knew him for months and communicated how you miss your stepson that you helped raise. He didn’t let you move all the way across the country to be with him, and then tell you something as important as he definitely won’t be fathering any children with you, did he? What a predicament.
No...he didn't...& missing my stepson doesn't really have much to do with making the decision or not if I was going to have a baby of my own.
We have both talked about it.....it's not that he doesn't want to be a Dad. He has started to feel he would be too old...because I would want to wait 3 to 5 yrs. & as he gets older, he starts to realize it might not be in his picture. I have said then...as I do now...I don't know about having a baby & he knew that. We were both honest BUT...
When I first moved...we didn't know if we would last a month....so talking about kids seriously then would be impossible. We had to see if the relationship was going to work...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
