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Old 07-04-2019, 04:23 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,042,575 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
This OP is about old women being recruited as caregivers.

Why don't you start your own thread on your personal opinions and random antidotes of various people with addictions.
So i guess this person will be moving in with you by next week...

 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:24 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,544 posts, read 3,650,165 times
Reputation: 12301
Frankly, OP, you have allowed yourself to become the person with the problem. Say no. Don't take the calls. If the supposedly dying person can call you they can easily call 911 for help.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:29 PM
 
482 posts, read 202,335 times
Reputation: 797
Sorry, OP, you did ask "what can I do?" and I took it to mean you were asking for suggestions as to "what should I do?".
My opinion is that the ONLY way to show your love for the subject is to get him or her to attempt to stop the addiction.
You expressed some doubt that the subject was actually dying and I concurred, from my own experience of addicts and their stories.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:37 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,812 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
So i guess this person will be moving in with you by next week...
I corrected, S/B "anecdotes."

Your reading comprehension is questionable - I said nothing about moving this person in.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:40 PM
 
Location: the Old Dominion
294 posts, read 148,682 times
Reputation: 1382
Default ...here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
We already had this thread on you being unable to say No to your junkie relative.

I'm guessing the whole "come home to die" drama is yet another way to get you to give in. They'll try anything.
I think we are dealing with a career enabler who is at the end of her career.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:43 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,812 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ed Ferris View Post
Sorry, OP, you did ask "what can I do?" and I took it to mean you were asking for suggestions as to "what should I do?".
My opinion is that the ONLY way to show your love for the subject is to get him or her to attempt to stop the addiction.
You expressed some doubt that the subject was actually dying and I concurred, from my own experience of addicts and their stories.
I know it's hard to get specific advice, especially when the facts are so sketchy.

The person got bad lab reports and called me to say they wanted to "come home to die."

First of all, my house is not their home - they have been in and out of rehabs and sober living environments.

My question was wondering what to do if the person got really sick and had nowhere to go and had the expectation that I would take care of them. I guess it was very vague - it's a problem because there are a lot of people with addictions, who must be in dire straits medically sometimes - and I am guessing "the family" is expected to care for them.

I mentioned that I have done my share of caregiving, am old, and am female, and that females are often expected to do this (and any other) kind of caregiving that is necessary.

So I was asking for advice on a personal level and also stating what the society expectations seem to be.

Since this is the Retirement Forum, I was guessing there might be others with these issues or concerns. We know addiction is a huge problem - and people have families, ergo, why the silence from others who are either having or have had this experience?

Or maybe THIS particular demographic of elders is the rare breed that does not have "such" problems in their families - and for that, they can thank their lucky stars.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 04:45 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,812 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
WAIT WAIT WAIT. Your other thread was about a YOUNG relative with drug issues? Geesh. Watch a few episodes of the show "Intervention. " You'll see how to deal with people with drug problems.
Yes, my other thread was about a YOUNG relatives and so is this one. I am the old person. Geez yourself.

And watching Intervention? That's your sage advice? Really?
 
Old 07-04-2019, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Worcester MA
1,810 posts, read 311,079 times
Reputation: 1844
Does that relative have parents living still or any siblings? Can any of those people take care of him? Why must the caregiving fall to you?

In the worst case scenario, you could always make up that you yourself have a health issue and just can't take care of him (if a simple no doesn't work).
 
Old 07-04-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,834 posts, read 14,341,548 times
Reputation: 30683
I understand what the OP is asking, I think. What will she do when relative decides he/she needs care, and either threatens or does decamp to her doorstep?

OP, I think you should communicate up front that you cannot be this person's caregiver. I don't think it is enough to say "no." You need to be clear that you will not do caregiving, or give shelter to this person. Once you have someone living with you, it can be legally hard to get them to leave. So, do not allow him/her to stay one night under your roof.

We already know this person does not accept "no" as an answer. I think devising a script that says you cannot offer shelter or caregiving to this person is what you need to say. You do not owe this person a reason, and this person will not be "no trouble" or "help around the house." You know this. So, refuse to allow it to happen.

If you do get calls, and you do fear this person will suddenly appear in your life, expecting food, shelter and caregiving, see an attorney for a consult, so you know your rights, and any pitfalls of helping this person out.
IMO, what you do not want is this person traveling to your house with expectations. What would you do if this person showed up at your door during a driving rain or snowstorm? You do not want that, so say firmly early on that this is not an option.

You can always block calls from this person, if you feel worried about constant badgering.

I feel for you in this situation.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
Reputation: 27576
My best friend was kind of like this. The parents weren't quite retired - early 60s, when he was in his mid-20s.

He had massive substance abuse and mental health issues, mostly alcohol and opioids. It was hard to tell which came first, but ultimately, he was in and out of mental health clinics and substance abuse rehab centers for the last year of his life (26-27, and not covered by insurance). That had to be expensive. He blew off a couple ends of toes with a shotgun, then shot himself in the eye with rat-shot. There had to be a ton of money spent on his hospitalization there, and his parents had him referred to a specialized eye surgery center at UVA-Charlottesville to try and save his vision. He fell down the stairs at his parents' home while high, breaking his femur. Multiple DUIs and totaled cars - one with a loaded shotgun in the back.

His sister had a horrendous alcohol problem for years (had four DUI cases in four different states in two years or so), but her husband never had any substance abuse issues, and she's gotten back on track.

He ultimately killed himself back in 2013. Financially, his struggles had to be difficult on the family in their final working years. They were fairly affluent, so that helped brunt some of that. I think his suicide sunk his grandmother's spirits, and she died shortly thereafter after being in reasonably good health.

Tomorrow will be a week before the six anniversary of his death.
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