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MM, it is partially cultural difference here. In our culture, people do not give towels, they give cash as wedding gifts. Which I am with you & prefer any day of the week anyway (helped pay for our wedding & honeymoon back to Odessa & Istanbul.)
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Originally Posted by max's mama
I didn't expect anything in return either. That's why we had a small wedding, not nearly in any way or form "lavish" by any standards. It was within our means and if I got NO money in return, I wouldn't be hurting. But boy was it nice to realize that we spent "0" on a wedding at the end of the day. Truly a nice gift.
Of course, the fact that you are a nice and sentimental person made you appreciate all the thought behind it, but I can assure you. You are in minority.
I know I don't go to weddings expecting very much of the food.
IW, you had never been to a Russian wedding then.
If you go to an average American catering hall, you will get a choice of an appetizer, entree (which usually a meat/fish/poultry), maybe a salad and dessert.
If a wedding is in a Russian restaurant (like Rasputin in Brooklyn), you will get a huge coctail party first with lots of seafood, sushi table, carving table, you name it...and then family style dinner with at least 5-6 cold appetizers, 3-4 hot appetizers, 3-4 entrees (lamb chops, shish-ke-bobs, fish, chicken...) and numerous desserts that don't even include a wedding cake.
I always thought that the food in traditional American catering halls is awful.
MM, it is partially cultural difference here. In our culture, people do not give towels, they give cash as wedding gifts. Which I am with you & prefer any day of the week anyway (helped pay for our wedding & honeymoon back to Odessa & Istanbul.)
I completely understand that we are different pages here JJ. Perhaps I'm just being practical here. I always think of how the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, and nowdays, usually all on their own. Especially in NYC, not too many couples got much of the help from their parents at all. To be honest, I only know of one couple that had help from their bride's father. One couple. And I went to many weddings.
Do you really think that the vase you get them or whatever you consider special is that important to them?
I always just put myself in their shoes and think of what I would like to get if I was them. There is a reason why giving money is such a tradition in some cultures. Because it works. I pay for the wedding, people go and have a good time and give money.
And why not give them $100 because you love them?
I don't know if you read any of the threads where that newer poster, Chino (onihC), insisted that a date should be 50/50 in terms of time, effort, expense, etc. I posed a scenario where I was giving a dinner party for my friends. I don't ask people to bring things to my party, nor do I expect that they will bring me gifts that will offset the money I spent on entertaining them, nor do I give them tasks to do while they are in my home like set the table or help with the dishes. I entertain my friends to be hospitable. If they bring me gifts, I am pleased and thankful, which is easy to be because I don't expect those things. And if a good friend says, "Please let me bring something, I want to help out," then sure, I might suggest something. But I don't expect anything. If I cannot afford the standing rib roast, I make something else that I can afford, or I invite fewer people. Entertain within your means.
A wedding is just a big dinner party.
I understand that money is a nice gift. We got some for our wedding--I'll never forget that one of my uncles slipped us an envelope as we were leaving. We had some extra money for our honeymoon! That was very nice. But you should also understand that American tradition is different, and that saying, "People in this country need to get a clue" was a little offensive.
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Originally Posted by max's mama
Wow, is this how you think of the brides whose weddings you go to?
Nope. I don't go to weddings where the couple requests cash. None of my friends or family members has done so, but I've gotten some hilarious invitations from coworkers who think that tacking an invitation onto the bulletin board in the breakroom entitles them to gifts. I ignore those, and I decline the ones sent to me. They get to keep their money, and I get to not worry that whatever gift I can afford isn't going to be enough to subsidize their dream wedding. I read other forums, and I can't tell you how many outraged rants I've heard from brides whose guests had the audacity to accept an invitation without adequately "paying their way." Why don't they just send out invoices with their invitations?
The food at my wedding WAS excellent. All the guests commented on it. Not to mention there was an open bar. This means the guests had unlimited access to any drink they wanted be it alcholoic or non-alcoholicc and the last time I checked liquor is expensive. Some people only came after dinner and therefore they put 1/2 the amount of money as a gift which is to be expected and they still get the open bar option.
How about the engagement ring? Lots of women dream about that big shiny ring and I somehow think its similar to spening all your money on a wedding. What are your thoughts?
People should study the advertisement campaign that Debeers started over 75-100 years ago. You should also look into the Sigmund Freud connection.
"They came up with a campaign targeting the emotional value of a diamond. Frances Gerety, a young copywriter for N.W. Ayer, coined the famous slogan "A Diamond is Forever."
I mean, if women somewhere in the ancient past collectively on there own wanted diamonds, I would not have an issue with it, but the fact remains that a group of men in the late early 1900's figured out a way to instill the belief into women that they need a piece of rock before they get married.
It is the greatest marketing gimmick in all of history that I know of. Anything before this time period, women did not desire diamonds, and often rings were passed down (reused).
JJ, if you read my post above, I didn't expect money either. In fact, I thought that my friends may bring money due to tradition, but the fact that Italians have a tradition of bringing money was brought up to me after the wedding. So I had no expectations either... but as I said, it sure was nice to know that I now have an extra 500 bucks to bring to the honeymoon with us.
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Nope. I don't go to weddings where the couple requests cash. None of my friends or family members has done so, but I've gotten some hilarious invitations from coworkers who think that tacking an invitation onto the bulletin board in the breakroom entitles them to gifts. I ignore those, and I decline the ones sent to me. They get to keep their money, and I get to not worry that whatever gift I can afford isn't going to be enough to subsidize their dream wedding. I read other forums, and I can't tell you how many outraged rants I've heard from brides whose guests had the audacity to accept an invitation without adequately "paying their way." Why don't they just send out invoices with their invitations?
I'm not sure how tacking an invitation to the bulletin board has anything to do with bringing money as a gift.
I agree though that brides complaining that they didn't get enough money as a gift is tacky.
All the guests loved the food at my wedding.
Its also considered cheap to serve chicken. There was an open beer which means they could have as many non-alcoholic or alcoholic drinks they want. Last time I checked liquor wasn't cheap. Also some guests came after dinner so they put 1/2 the amount of money in and still got to go to the bar. At midnight there was a buffet with more food and desserts. Trust me they got their money's worth.
Some guests in my culture leave the envelopes open so that if they don't like the food they take some money out. Not nice I know.
Some couples don't already live together and many (especially those who leave frugally) do not have adequate home furnishings for two, nor do they have tools, etc. Kudos to the person who mentioned Home Depot gifts.
It's really up to the couple to communicate their needs. I remember one couple (teacher & grad student) who had a small wedding and gave the guests a choice of three gift options:
1) cash
2) gift registry
3) charitable contribution
My original point was that although large weddings are nice, they can sometimes be impractical. The specific couple I referenced won't recoup the outlay because their family/friends don't have money either. Both live with extended family and share expenses, so it is truly a financial hardship on all.
I recognize that tradition rules here but they could still have a wonderful gathering without the extra cost of limousines; they have excellent cooks in the family, which could save on catering expenses; and instead of renting a catering hall (since many charge for their own food, music, etc.) they could rent a private space and pay only for the services they need.
I think people who have never lived on their own underestimate the cost of living and don't realize how much the money spent on a wedding could have been used for day-to-day expenses.
JJ, if you read my post above, I didn't expect money either. In fact, I thought that my friends may bring money due to tradition, but the fact that Italians have a tradition of bringing money was brought up to me after the wedding. So I had no expectations either... but as I said, it sure was nice to know that I now have an extra 500 bucks to bring to the honeymoon with us.
I'll be visiting my family in California next month, and I'll see my cousin, who just got married. They're young and have a baby on the way, and I know they can use cash more than anything. That's what I'll give them, and I have no problem with that. It's the entitled, "You should pay for the food I'm giving you" attitude that drives me up the wall, but I don't think you're a perpetrator.
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Originally Posted by max's mama
I'm not sure how tacking an invitation to the bulletin board has anything to do with bringing money as a gift.
I agree though that brides complaining that they didn't get enough money as a gift is tacky.
Those chicks were crazy, MM. One of them sent out a mass thank-you by e-mail and the other didn't send out thank-yous at all. Glad I didn't bother.
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Perhaps I'm just being practical here. I always think of how the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, and nowdays, usually all on their own. Especially in NYC, not too many couples got much of the help from their parents at all. To be honest, I only know of one couple that had help from their bride's father. One couple. And I went to many weddings.
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