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Here are some outward differences though and I think they're very pertinent:
His job is outdoors, in all sorts of harsh weather. It's very stressful. It's very dangerous. The equipment is very expensive and the daily operations can cost into the millions (he's an oil and gas consultant). He works 12 hour shifts for two weeks straight - this has been his schedule for many years, and his schedule has always involved very long and very stressful hours. He has to be on point, or very bad things happen. And he also has to be very proactive and also very REACTIVE - he has to be able to make split second decisions, and he has to be very perceptive of about a hundred different moving parts and people, all day, every day, for two weeks straight.
Then he comes home. And home is calm. Home is peaceful. Home is clean. No one is yelling and cussing. Nothing is in danger of blowing up. Home is his refuge. It's where he regroups, rests, plays, gets creative, does things like sleep in late, walk the dogs, veg out in front of the TV with football or bingeing on some series, we go to movies, we work in the yard at our own pace, stopping and starting whenever we want, we go out on the lake, etc. This goes on for two weeks. No pressure. And I think in some ways his brain comes to a screeching halt. I mean, we're having plenty of interesting conversation, but he's not being forced to live in a state of heightened alert.
So I think that explains a lot. In fact, I think that's why he gravitated to this sort of work to begin with - because it sort of forces him to get his game on, and I think internally he needs that sort of structure. But I think it also really stresses him so when he gets home, he lets go of it.
Does that make sense?
It does, Kathryn. It sounds like you two have reached an accommodation that suits you both and that's a good thing.
Yes, the stress does affect me. It does. I admit it. I have to fight against resentment, and sometimes I don't win that fight. And I don't like that feeling.
BUT - I am not dealing with someone abusive, or someone who cheats on me, or someone who gambles, or does drugs, or drinks too much, or who is abusive to kids or animals, or someone who is rude, or moody, or argumentative, or who yells, or who has a potty mouth, or who is into porn, or who is stingy, or (fill in the blank). Honestly, there are a LOT worse character traits and don't think I don't know it.
We have both been married before. I was married to a man who gambled and who cheated on me (among other things). He was married to a very controlling woman who was apparently very frustrated with him and who belittled him constantly, in private and in public.
We both have big personalities, and can both be very adamant about our particular beliefs, desires, etc. We are both extroverts who also tend to "live large," meaning we laugh with our mouths open, we can both be raucous, and we are both pretty high energy and can be restless. I can see how those traits might sit poorly with others, especially day in and day out, but we both understand each other and therefore we get along well.
Ironically, both our moms were quiet, poised women, who called each of us her "bull in a china closet" as we were growing up - the exact same phrase. I didn't marry my opposite, I married someone very similar to me.
Except that I am much more organized than he is, and he is much more patient than I am. I admire that in him, and he admires organizational skills in me.
So I think we are a good match, but that doesn't mean we don't bug the hell out of each other sometimes. I guess that's normal. He is, however, my very best friend. I absolutely adore him, and I think he feels the same way about me.
Guess what I just did. I just dug out THE TRAY again. I put it on his dresser. I also put a big ceramic bowl thing on the counter - one that his cell phone, keys, wallet and sunglasses will fit in. My plan is to put all his stuff in that bowl if it's scattered around in the living areas, and to put all of it in the tray if it's scattered around the bedroom. In other words, he will only have to look in two places if things go as planned. Maybe it will work, maybe not. We'll see.
By the way, someone mentioned finding things in the laundry. Here's my rule of thumb, and it works well for me. I check his pockets because I don't want to wash anything that may ruin my own clothes. Any money I find, I keep. And I OFTEN find money, sometimes several twenties even, wadded up in his pockets. SCORE!
We have "the tray. " I've actually tried various receptacles of various sizes to help him corral his crap. What I've notice is that his crap expands to overflow the receptacle.
Here are some outward differences though and I think they're very pertinent:
His job is outdoors, in all sorts of harsh weather. It's very stressful. It's very dangerous. The equipment is very expensive and the daily operations can cost into the millions (he's an oil and gas consultant). He works 12 hour shifts for two weeks straight - this has been his schedule for many years, and his schedule has always involved very long and very stressful hours. He has to be on point, or very bad things happen. And he also has to be very proactive and also very REACTIVE - he has to be able to make split second decisions, and he has to be very perceptive of about a hundred different moving parts and people, all day, every day, for two weeks straight.
Then he comes home. And home is calm. Home is peaceful. Home is clean. No one is yelling and cussing. Nothing is in danger of blowing up. Home is his refuge. It's where he regroups, rests, plays, gets creative, does things like sleep in late, walk the dogs, veg out in front of the TV with football or bingeing on some series, we go to movies, we work in the yard at our own pace, stopping and starting whenever we want, we go out on the lake, etc. This goes on for two weeks. No pressure. And I think in some ways his brain comes to a screeching halt. I mean, we're having plenty of interesting conversation, but he's not being forced to live in a state of heightened alert.
So I think that explains a lot. In fact, I think that's why he gravitated to this sort of work to begin with - because it sort of forces him to get his game on, and I think internally he needs that sort of structure. But I think it also really stresses him so when he gets home, he lets go of it.
Does that make sense?
Wow! Those are some pretty harsh working conditions. I can't even imagine! As a nurse, I often worked 12 hours shifts and they are grueling. I don't think I ever did more than 4 in a row and that just about killed me.
We have "the tray. " I've actually tried various receptacles of various sizes to help him corral his crap. What I've notice is that his crap expands to overflow the receptacle.
That's the same problem I deal with exactly. My husband will fill any container until it overflows. His drawers are so full that he can barely close them, which is one reason he doesn't always even try. I don't understand why he feels the need to keep about 300 pairs of socks! A few years ago, I decided to cull some of the socks, but he would be upset if I threw them or gave them away, so I would never do that. Instead, I put the "extras" in a bag in another room. Somehow, his sock drawer is back to overflowing, even though I don't think he's shopped for socks in quite a while. Maybe other people's lost dryer socks are hiding in his drawer! LOL
You wouldn't believe the number of people who leave drawers, cabinets and closets open.
I make it a policy never to touch the way people leave their homes but the urge is strong to run around closing all the cabinet doors.
Now I'm just used to it and ignore it. Unless I'm doing overnights of course.
You get used to accepting that people live their own lives however they live them and you can't generalize because some of my best, nicest and highest paying clients routinely have no toilet paper or burned out light bulbs ha ha. Or old broccoli in the trash can - which was a young guy I worked for all the time who I loved and even used to fall asleep on his awesome sofa with his dogs at 11 PM. AFTER dumping the trashcan down the trash shoot LOL
I had one family that almost EVERY single kitchen cabinet was open every time. They traveled alot. Once they went away routinely on a vacation, and when I walked in at night they had left the REFRIGERATOR and FREEZER doors open!
Yikes.
I ran up to my apartment grabbed my thermometer and put it in the room temp fridge and took a video of it and the television to prove the time of day.
I put a HUGE sign on it in case they returned early so nobody would eat bad food.
But I did NOT text or call until the day they were on their way home because I didn't want to ruin any vacation or cause a fight between the couple.
I had one family that almost EVERY single kitchen cabinet was open every time. They traveled alot. Once they went away routinely on a vacation, and when I walked in at night they had left the REFRIGERATOR and FREEZER doors open!
Yikes.
I ran up to my apartment grabbed my thermometer and put it in the room temp fridge and took a video of it and the television to prove the time of day.
I put a HUGE sign on it in case they returned early so nobody would eat bad food.
But I did NOT text or call until the day they were on their way home because I didn't want to ruin any vacation or cause a fight between the couple.
Perfect way to handle that situation. No need to disrupt their vacation, yet you managed to make sure they didn't eat spoiled food on their return.
Wow! Those are some pretty harsh working conditions. I can't even imagine! As a nurse, I often worked 12 hours shifts and they are grueling. I don't think I ever did more than 4 in a row and that just about killed me.
Yep.
He's an adrynaline junkie of sorts. Always has been.
He literally works at least 12 hours a day, outside in any sort of weather, in flame retardant clothes, a hard hat, boots, gloves, you name it, and often those days extend to 14 hours or longer. He works 14 days straight, not including a travel day on each end. Then he is completely off for 13 days. Then he starts all over again.
We have a love hate relationship with his work schedule!
That's the same problem I deal with exactly. My husband will fill any container until it overflows. His drawers are so full that he can barely close them, which is one reason he doesn't always even try. I don't understand why he feels the need to keep about 300 pairs of socks! A few years ago, I decided to cull some of the socks, but he would be upset if I threw them or gave them away, so I would never do that. Instead, I put the "extras" in a bag in another room. Somehow, his sock drawer is back to overflowing, even though I don't think he's shopped for socks in quite a while. Maybe other people's lost dryer socks are hiding in his drawer! LOL
Thankfully this is not part of our problem. My husband tends to be neat and clean but just very disorganized - and he's always, always working on organizing something - the garage, his nightstand, his closet, his suitcase, his toolbox, his truck...you name it. He always keeps them neat, but disorganized if that makes sense.
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*goes over and shuts them*
