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Yes, I still worry, because of the control he has had over me all of these years, I cant unprogram myself all the way. I can only imagine it is going to take quite a while.
Robyn - Yes, it is going to take awhile, possibly a long while before you are "de-programmed" - It took me at least 5 years to realize that not every male was the controlling, abusing, etc., type and not all had ulterior motives and not all would do a Jekyll/Hyde morph. It will happen slowly (at least it did with me), one little step at a time until one day I finally realized that I was finally "recovered" from all the mental/emotional abuse and everything my ex had programmed me to believe about myself.
Right now, you have your anger toward what TJ is doing and has done - that's good - hold onto it and USE IT, but use it smartly, the way you are doing. That anger is what is helping you to go through the notes you wrote, to find documentation of things for the mediator, etc. You are channeling that anger into a positive force - that's a very powerful mechanism and you are using it to your advantage.
For now, today and tomorrow, focus on what you are doing to reach your ultimate goal - whenever the thought of TJ getting custody pops into your head, push it aside and dig for more information. I know, that's easier said than done, but you can do it and you will do it, as long as you keep your ultimate goal in sight. Nobody in their right mind will allow TJ to take your kids from you. You need to believe that deep down and realize no matter what TJ says or how he THINKS he can keep the TJ you know from being seen in public, that TJ is going to come out - especially once he realizes how well prepared you are for the mediator, etc. He is not going to be happy and his "toxic" side WILL come out - especially if you continue to stand up for yourself and the kids during the meeting. TJ will have no idea what to do and will revert to his belittling/smug/obnoxious ways.
And Know in your deepest heart that you are the polar opposite of anything & everything TJ says about you!!
You are kind, loving, and a great mother to your children. You have a pure heart, with no deviousness. And you are extremely intelligent. That man is none of this, and understands nothing of a decent life.
Last edited by Macrina; 09-15-2007 at 12:54 PM..
Reason: *Ok, ok, back to my packing....:) *
When someone attacks you the way that he has done - that person usually takes the things that they don't like about themselves and project them onto you.
If you have the counselor's report you will be fine - I really mean that! Once again - they did all of this in front of the children - in their homes at bed time - the one place that they should feel safe.....
He does not have the right to come into your home - no matter that his children live there - the courts will NOT allow that......if he continues to call and harass you over the phone - press charges - call the police. I did - the police had to call my ex and explain that it is fine to call and talk to the children and to speak with me - but when I said to stop calling - anything after that is harassment......
I know you don't want to be this mean tough person - but I think you have to be. If not your problems will never end with him - you left him - don't let him ruin the House of Chimes too..........
Not to mention that the police will document and so will you and what is the judge gonna say about the fact that you had to call the police to get the man to leave you alone?
When someone attacks you the way that he has done - that person usually takes the things that they don't like about themselves and project them onto you.
If you have the counselor's report you will be fine - I really mean that! Once again - they did all of this in front of the children - in their homes at bed time - the one place that they should feel safe.....
He does not have the right to come into your home - no matter that his children live there - the courts will NOT allow that......if he continues to call and harass you over the phone - press charges - call the police. I did - the police had to call my ex and explain that it is fine to call and talk to the children and to speak with me - but when I said to stop calling - anything after that is harassment......
I know you don't want to be this mean tough person - but I think you have to be. If not your problems will never end with him - you left him - don't let him ruin the House of Chimes too..........
Not to mention that the police will document and so will you and what is the judge gonna say about the fact that you had to call the police to get the man to leave you alone?
This all happened at the house of shackles and chains...his house... they did not come into my house. Oh I have come so far since that night...so so far...
Here is a post from 14 or 15, somewhere in there. To think that I have only gotten that far is kind of... depressing, knowing how long the thread is, I have so far to go... This post references 'C' Kalogirl
~~~~~
So, I have gone for my walk, and I am home. On the way to the park, I listened to a little Dave Matthews. Like him. So the song just played and I got to thinking.
Insight.
I thought of these past three years, as I have gotten closer to a friend of mine at work, C. She is a single mom of 2. Often times I would say, C, how do you do it? Mostly these were the times when i would be thinking, How am I gonna do it?
So many of those times were the day after we would have big blow ups and I would say just leave, just leave. He never would. He would always just stay. All I can do now is laugh, to be in pain or cry is not going to help me, not now, not after what I have been through, and the strength I have been given to overpower my situation and endure.
She calls me Rob for short sometimes. She says, Rob, dont do it, its so hard. I think back on those days, I thought of all those times this morning during my walk, and boy, were there many. So many times I sat down and wrote my monthly take home pay comparing it to all of the bills.
So many times. Maybe C was another person the Lord sent to me. Maybe, all those times, she was right. I could not do it. It was not my time. My strength was not with me, and He was not done carrying my burden, as well as me. I think back to those times, those many times, as I walked this morning, and I could not have done it.
There is no way. You know, maybe I would have scratched by, somehow. But I would have needed help. I could not have done it on my own. I would not know what to do. Do I know what to do now? No, I have never been here before. But I know people who have. And I have courage now, I have strength. I have my smile back.
I walked over 4 miles this morning, not even really realizing it. But thinking will do that to you .
No one at work has really been able to grasp what I have gone through all of these years. Yes, recently I have told them he belittles us, I can't take it anymore, I have come to work in tears, sad. In despair. But on Monday, I gave my testamony of it all. It brought some to tears. Yes. They did not realize the full effect of what was happening in my life, in my home.
This was just like giving a religious testamony. It was wonderful. It was painful, but it freed me. I could do it a million times over. That first time was hard. I will never sit here and say it wasn't, for as I began my story, a tear rolled down my face, and one of my friends said, tears are ok, they make us strong. And I said...'Today I am Strong.' That was on Monday, the day I took off.
Then on Tuesday, my half day from work, I went to the police station. I dont know if I mentioned this yet. I left a card for the officer who took me that night. He was so very nice to me. He was kind and courteous to me, thoughtful. It was in the middle of the night, and he couldn't leave until everything was over.
His shift was over. He told me I did not deserve what was being done to me. I wanted Officer Erie to know that his pleasantness and caring towards me, even though I was in so much pain over what was happening to me, did not go unnoticed, so, thats what I did.
I also went to the Mental Health facility that I was taken to. I thanked the woman that was awakened from her sleep to come and interview my MIL and myself. I told her that she was very kind to me, and that I appreciated it. I asked for my report. We dont give those to anyone, I am sorry. But you can speak to my supervisor.
So, I did. We spoke for well over an hour, my report in her hand. She spoke to me about domestic violence and abuse, and control. I took a lot from our talk, and she said, I dont see why you should not have a copy of this report. I also had to give a copy of my insurance cards, they will be billed for all of this.
So, about my report.
First of all, it said that I did not meet criteria for hospitalization....(thats good, right?)
My Mil brought most all, but not all of my meds with her to this...crisis intervention. They are listed, the incorrect Dr is listed as my PCP.
MILs interview:
She (me) is brought to MHC on ECO (emergency custody order) by Suffolk PD. She is reported to be dangerous to self due to head banging door frame and dangerous to others-attempting to take children away from home in unsafe car while acting erratic. Bizarre behaviors started three days prior to include exercising, long walks, paranoid thoughts, decreased sleep, and aggression. MIL reports she is usually passive, inactive, sleeps excessively, and never exercises. Suffolk Pd called to home x2 this evening due to domestic dispute over children and custody. MIL requested ECO to prevent her from taking children to Maryland in an unsafe vehicle and because of her recent 'bizarre' behaviors and seizure dosorder.
My interview:
She presented in cooperative mood, tired yet appropriate affect and responsive to interview. She reports she has no intentions of harming herself or her children and the reported bizarre behaviors are a change due to the absence of pain from migraines and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Denies active psychosis and reports compliance w/ anti depressants. She reports, " Its been a bad day and I want to go home and get some sleep." She appears to have clear insight into her depression and symptoms.
The lady told me I had a meddling MIL. I told her I had been exercising for well over a month, and had told her all of what I had told you all... about the walking, losing weight, etc. She said I appear to be w woman taking a positive step foward in my life.
Now, of course, these interviews were much longer than the reports show them. I was gone from my house for almost 4 hours, they could not hold me any longer, unless the outcome was me being committed.
Also, My mental status exam, which consited of 14 things, I was all within normal limits.
So, my insight this morning, thinking back to all of the conversations w my friend C, she was right, I couldn't do it. But that has all changed. I showed her my reflections post from yesterday...she got goosebumps, I do as well, when I read it. I am a miracle in the making. But you know what? I think, that in this whole thread, as of yet, it is by far, one of the very best posts yet, and I will continue to read it. Maybe i will print it out..who knows.
As for this ECO. I guess it had to happen. It got me to where I am now. It showed that I am indeed sound. J and I have an agreement that the kids are never to be alone with MIL. If they are found to be, a restraining order will be placed against her, at that time. He agrees. All that has to be done is that someone must be with her while she is with my kids, and it will be fine, but when she steps out of those boundaries...
She is their only grandparent, but there are many people in their lives who are grandparent figures. hmmm... I guess, for now, that is it.
My lovely Lindsay is getting ready for school, which means when she is done, I will be getting ready for work. She, at 11, takes much longer than myself...LOL It is already starting, and I only have one bathroom, pray for me.
You all are the most wonderful people a person could have...
This all happened at the house of shackles and chains...his house... they did not come into my house. Oh I have come so far since that night...so so far...
I know - I picked up on the date at the beginning of it - I just meant that if he can get to you - even over the phone in your new place - some of the sanctuary will go away......
AAHH - I know I am a type A personality - but I want to come down there and do this for you!!!
I know - I picked up on the date at the beginning of it - I just meant that if he can get to you - even over the phone in your new place - some of the sanctuary will go away......
AAHH - I know I am a type A personality - but I want to come down there and do this for you!!!
Ya know, he is just a jerk. I am going through that thread...it is so long, I am on page 36 now. I have so much further to go, I am sitting here with my eyes trying to close on me.
Can you imagine if everyone were here...against him? Wouldn't touch what he had that terrible night.
this is a quote from one of my posts from Where is the love. My friend is kalogirl.
(((KALOGIRL))) I am A SBW!!!
With that little smile, I know that one day, I will smile alot...and not because I am sitting
at work thinking and looking down, and my friend walks past me, knowing what I am thinking, takes hold of my chin and says... dont you cry...because you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN!!!!!! We are both white, and she knows it cracks me up, and I tell her, you're right, I am! And I smile. Even if only for a few minutes, I smile.
I have to take a break from the computer. So much still here to do at the house, and I am falling asleep reading through all of these posts.
It is amazing though, seeing the changes that have come about. From beginning to present.
Yep, he still gets to me, and he knows how to do it, but I left that toxic place, the kids and I are gone from it. they are with him now... I don't like it, but it must be.
I miss that we dont get to do fun stuff on the weekends...
I have to take a break from the computer. So much still here to do at the house, and I am falling asleep reading through all of these posts.
It is amazing though, seeing the changes that have come about. From beginning to present.
Yep, he still gets to me, and he knows how to do it, but I left that toxic place, the kids and I are gone from it. they are with him now... I don't like it, but it must be.
I miss that we dont get to do fun stuff on the weekends...
Trust me, Robyn, this week end stuff is only for now...No judge or mediator is going to think it's fair or good that you not have them at least 2X a month. In fact, really fair for the children would be that they see him only occasionally, and under monitored, mediated conditions. He's one sick puppy,he's mean, he's cruel, and he is unstable. Hmmm, I could go on, but you know all this because you've had to live in it.
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Still going through Where is the Love
