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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by green_mariner
I know what my values are and I won't sacrifice them for anything. In a way, in order to be in a good relationship, where that is respected, I have to look out for what my needs are. If I know what my values are, why be with a woman who would dump me for over bad sex, or refusing to have sex until marriage?
I love how you think you can just go out and choose a woman who won't dump you over bad sex because of YOUR values. It does not work like that.
Someday, if you ever have a relationship, you'll realize you don't get to choose what the other person thinks, feels, or does, no matter how hard you want what you want.
But overall, it sounds like you're "my values", "I won't" and "my needs" blah blah... where relationships have compromise and more compromise. Maybe its best if you continue to sit out.
But your a virgin right? You've never had sex before. Maybe that gives you an advantage. Either you get married and have a good sex life or you get married and the sex isn't good but you don't know better so you adjust. Or in time you start to want something better and feel disatisifed. But without having sex I guess it's a time will tell matter. One thing that makes a difference is that your faith and beliefs will most likely cause you to stick around even if it was bad so I guess it's moot to even talk about it since you aren't leaving over Sex even if it was bad.
There is an advantage that I've been thinking of. Many men are out there often desperate for sex. I'm not desperate. I'm not going to do anything to get sex. There are people who have been sucked into doing stupid things just to get sex.
There are even people of my faith who won't hold of sex until marriage. I know many people who were otherwise church going people, who have children out of wedlock. So even in the churches, it is getting harder to find women who share my values regarding sex and marriage.
I love how you think you can just go out and choose a woman who won't dump you over bad sex because of YOUR values. It does not work like that.
Someday, if you ever have a relationship, you'll realize you don't get to choose what the other person thinks, feels, or does, no matter how hard you want what you want.
But overall, it sounds like you're "my values", "I won't" and "my needs" blah blah... where relationships have compromise and more compromise. Maybe its best if you continue to sit out.
Maybe it's best that I sit out. If there are many people who don't share my values, why get in a relationship with said persons? I look at relationships like this. And maybe this is why I've been single for my whole life. If you are going down the road with someone, you want that partner to have the same goals as you, to go down the same path together.
Who we find attractive and who we have chemistry with are not related, though. You could think a woman is the most gorgeous woman on the planet, then kiss her and something just seems "off" in the despite your attraction to her and you don't know why...you just don't connect smoothly...that's chemistry.
That's true, but we often limit the people we might have chemistry with to those we find attractive, so if something influences who we find attractive, it indirectly influences who we might eventually really click with.
We are talking about chemistry, it's a physical affect based on the mingling of actual hormones and chemicals each person is putting out. You are talking about attraction, or choosing traits we want in a partner, it is not the same. One is purely unconscious, the other is making a conscious choice.
I only wish we could choose who we feel chemistry with, because I have had relationships end with awesome, handsome, great on paper guys because we just didn't have chemistry for whatever reason. It can't be created, it's there or not.
Yes. Chemistry is that word...a concept that sums up a whole bunch of signals that human beings tend to follow without being consciously aware of them. It's the layer of compatibility that has nothing to do with items you can check off on a list like "Looks: 10, check. Income: Six figures, check. Kids: Not yet; wants some, check." (or you know, whatever.)
Chemistry is when someone's touch, the sound of their voice, or the taste of their lips makes the back of your brain tingly and you get all woogy and warm in your abdominal bits. And when you do go to bed with them, your rhythms match up well, you come away feeling super sexy and on top of the world, and feel like you had a great experience. One of my present lovers, my sadist, does well...sadistic things to me, that I like. He doesn't make a lot of money. He isn't what any media source would advise me is "attractive." But his scent is intoxicating to me, and the look of his eyes, the sound of his voice, I cannot stop thinking about him. The stuff he does, I simply would not have wanted or enjoyed from someone with whom I didn't have that hard-to-explain "chemistry." I know that people who see us together might wonder what I see in him. I don't care, though, if they can't see what I see....I see it. It makes about as much sense as trying to convince an athiest of the validity of your personal religious experience. You can't.
I really do tend to think, though, that a woman won't go forward with a good looking man if she encounters a chemical brick wall of "no chemistry." However, there ARE women who are (for whatever reasons) driven by financial security or monetary gain. They might actually also have chemistry with a rich man, or they might go in absolutely determined to make it work regardless. We can tolerate sex with a "no chemistry" match if we have reasons that are meaningful enough to us. Heck, arranged marriages, hello? But there will very likely be women who lie to others about it because they don't want to admit to anyone that they married someone they don't feel fire for, just for his money.
Oh, and the talk of chemistry is very relevant to the good sex/bad sex conversation. Because what constitutes that will depend on the individual. I hear a lot of men trying to figure out how to make themselves more marketable to women, more attractive to women, more of what women want, even if they're not trying to just sex up all the wimminz, but they want to find the one, they're working on improving their odds.
Some things will be well within that man's control, but some just won't. So to be the lover a woman wants to keep around, being attentive to what SHE specifically likes, and being skilled, and not being selfish, and being endowed to her preference (some of us aren't size queens!) and so on and whatever...it's still not going to ensure him a good outcome. Because chemistry just can't be controlled like that. And women, I think, have far stronger reactions to things like scent, and histocompatibility (which tends to be communicated via taste/saliva/kissing.) I'd almost like to ask for a show of hands here, how many ladies have been into a guy, think he's attractive, things are going well, and then the first kiss....and even though his breath isn't bad nor is he a clumsy kisser, you are instantly and completely shut down, and no fire. I think that leads to plenty of "let's just be friends" situations out there. Thing is, we know he did nothing wrong to deserve romantic rejection. We just don't feel it. Science says that this is our bodies' ways of letting us know that our genetics aren't suitable for breeding. *shrug*
Sex is important but definitely something that can be worked on as a couple.
I think this is the whole discussion, whether or not it can be worked on. Some say it can others say it cannot because physical chemistry cannot be generated if it isn't there... or can it? If it's due to a medical problem then perhaps that can be rectified but if it's because of mismatched attitudes about sex then I don't see how that can be fixed as that is core to someone's personality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliotgb
Many women simply cannot orgasm through direct pentrative vaginal sex, but there are damned few that can't get off with a good tongue.
If a woman cannot orgasm through penetrative sex and can orgasm through oral sex then why would bad penetrative sex or the lack of it entirely be considered "bad sex" or "no sex"? Say the man has some ED issue but can generate multiple orgasms for the woman through oral sex is it then still considered "bad sex"?? You see, this all gets pretty complicated. And of course Bill Clinton would not even admit this is sex... LMAO!
In my opinion being able to generate orgasms and actually "make love" requires much more skill than just doing a few pumps and calling it a day when the partner hasn't even had a chance to get warmed up....
lifes too short for bad sex
no way, especially in the beginning
now after decade or 2 of marriage, say my wife couldn't have sex any more, I would NOT leave her...if she REFUSED than I would insist on open marriage...
but how can you date someone NEW if the nookie is dookie??
That's true, but we often limit the people we might have chemistry with to those we find attractive, so if something influences who we find attractive, it indirectly influences who we might eventually really click with.
Yes, but to me the question on this thread pretty much already assumes attraction already exists, because you're already sleeping with the person...otherwise you wouldn't be considering ending things because of bad sex/no sexual chemistry.
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