Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, but to me the question on this thread pretty much already assumes attraction already exists, because you're already sleeping with the person...otherwise you wouldn't be considering ending things because of bad sex/no sexual chemistry.
I agree with that. I was commenting on how who we find attractive might be influenced. However it happens, being attracted might not mean you click with the other person, or that person with you.
I have a better one...my ex LTR when giving me oral once, stopped and looked up and said "How long do I have to do this? My neck hurts". Ummm, you might as well stop now.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,029,445 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
That's true, but we often limit the people we might have chemistry with to those we find attractive, so if something influences who we find attractive, it indirectly influences who we might eventually really click with.
I don't agree with this. Chemistry often creates attraction... it really is much of attraction (which is not synonymous with finding someone good looking). Chemistry isn't something we decide on, and we don't, I'd even almost go as far as to say can't, limit it. We may not act upon it, but that is different.
Should have figured this all out before getting married. Now, I hear about people complaining after being married because, usually, one of them balloons up to the point the other isn't interested. That's fixable if they really care.
I don't agree with this. Chemistry often creates attraction... it really is much of attraction (which is not synonymous with finding someone good looking). Chemistry isn't something we decide on, and we don't, I'd even almost go as far as to say can't, limit it. We may not act upon it, but that is different.
I agree. I first commented here to someone who pretty emphatically stated that who she finds attractive isn't influenced by media. I think people sometimes see that as an all or nothing proposition, where we're either totally free agents or entirely molded by outside influences. I think some people won't admit any media influence, for fear that to do so is to admit to being less than fiercely independent and self directed. I believe that the images we see do influence who we find visually appealing though, and that plays a part in who we approach or who we welcome approaches from, in the flesh, on line, etc., where people are looking to connect with someone. Then we discover chemistry or we don't
In situations where we're not looking to get together with someone, chemistry can develop and guide us pretty powerfully. Lots of successful relationships start this way, with people referring to them as having started with a friendship.
I agree. I first commented here to someone who pretty emphatically stated that who she finds attractive isn't influenced by media. I think people sometimes see that as an all or nothing proposition, where we're either totally free agents or entirely molded by outside influences. I think some people won't admit any media influence, for fear that to do so is to admit to being less than fiercely independent and self directed. I believe that the images we see do influence who we find visually appealing though, and that plays a part in who we approach or who we welcome approaches from, in the flesh, on line, etc., where people are looking to connect with someone. Then we discover chemistry or we don't
In situations where we're not looking to get together with someone, chemistry can develop and guide us pretty powerfully. Lots of successful relationships start this way, with people referring to them as having started with a friendship.
I do state emphatically that who I'm attracted to is not directed or influenced by the media. Men that other women I know tell me are hot (actors) I find to be very blah. I don't watch much TV at all, and I don't read popular magazines. I rarely watch movies and then they are specific TYPES of movies. Frankly, I don't think I'm getting as many messages as some folks do.
You know what I am very much influenced by? My experiences. After having a mind blowing fling with a man who didn't remotely fit my preconceived notions of attractiveness, but I gave a chance because I had a sort of "YOLO moment" (yeah, I hate that acronym too, but it fits)... Now I have an interest in men who fit his description. But I know that the main quality I need is an inner one and could be found in a man who looks like almost anything.
As for approaching...I don't do the whole "cruise up to a hot person in a bar" thing. Nor do I do OLD anymore. I'll approach or welcome approaches by anyone who doesn't seem closed off or hostile, and have conversations. Might lead to friendship, might lead to flirting, might lead nowhere. I'm just being social. But if I wanted to find someone, I'd make it known in my social circles that I was available and I'd have someone new, or several someones new, very quickly.
That said, I might put up with a lack of sexual chemistry if I have some investment in the relationship. Depending on whether I let some time go by and we were bonded, if I didn't want to hurt them, etc. I might do what I could to get by and maintain them or work on improving things. But if neither of us feel attached or invested and it's not good...psh, it's over. And on the opposite end of things, I think that it's a stinking selfish thing to break up a family with kids because you're not getting good sex with the spouse. That's what open marriages are for, if people were more sensible about such things. But even if one is getting none at all, kids are worth some degree of personal sacrifice. Just my opinion.
I think this is the whole discussion, whether or not it can be worked on. Some say it can others say it cannot because physical chemistry cannot be generated if it isn't there... or can it? If it's due to a medical problem then perhaps that can be rectified but if it's because of mismatched attitudes about sex then I don't see how that can be fixed as that is core to someone's personality.
If a woman cannot orgasm through penetrative sex and can orgasm through oral sex then why would bad penetrative sex or the lack of it entirely be considered "bad sex" or "no sex"? Say the man has some ED issue but can generate multiple orgasms for the woman through oral sex is it then still considered "bad sex"?? You see, this all gets pretty complicated. And of course Bill Clinton would not even admit this is sex... LMAO!
In my opinion being able to generate orgasms and actually "make love" requires much more skill than just doing a few pumps and calling it a day when the partner hasn't even had a chance to get warmed up....
I agree it's relative. For me personally bad sex encompasses sex that isn't satisfying both peoples needs either due to technique, lack of orgasm, length, frequency, mismatch libido, or lack of chemistry. A man that is good at oral but not penetrative would not completely satisfy my needs so by my own definition that would not qualify as good sex. That would just mean he's good at oral. For other women being good at oral may be enough. For me it just wouldn't.
In addition unlike other citydaters I don't believe that bad sex can be fixed or that most sexual problems that are the result of poor chemistry can be improved. I don't believe that everyone can be trained to the same degree, and that some people even with communication and "work" will not improve to the degree that is needed for the other person to be satisfied. In fact I believe that working to improve what was already subpar or poor from the getgo is too much work and usually isn't worth it. If it doesn't work in the bedroom either accept it for what it is-hoping it will get better is fine as long as you can accept if it cannot-or move on.
Personally I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to waste my time. I don't feel like teaching or training or working to improve something that wasn't so great the first few times. Honestly some people may be really good in bed to others but fail to satisfy ME, and I would not view them as bad" persay but just not in sync with what I need. There is too much D out there, so i would move on since good sex is a priority for me in a relationship.
The only time I would ever be willing to work at improving sex is if it was good for most of our relationship and then got bad, but if the sex has never been good then nah. I know on here the mindset is that it's easy to have good sex and that you can teach or communicate but based on conversations with my friends and personal experience I don't believe that it's entirely true. And as shallow as it is I would leave a marriage, or a relationship if the sex was not satisfying.
Last edited by Faith2187; 01-15-2016 at 12:05 PM..
I see this is a three year old post that revived, but I felt inclined to post. Yes, I would and did leave a relationship because the sex was basically non-existent, vanilla when it did happen and not that great. I did not tell her I was leaving because the sex was bad, I told her I was leaving because we were too different and could not agree on many things, most importantly sex.
Until that relationship, I always heard guys talking about "begging" for sex or trying to get sex at home and I never understood, but I figured it out when I ended up in the same situation. I stayed too long as it was for all the wrong reasons (looks, financial stability etc) but the bottom line for me was I needed satisfying sex, and more often than once every two weeks or so. There are too man women who love sex to be stuck in an unsatisfying, sexless relationship.
I confided in several friends why I left and I had to laugh because they commented that she was beautiful and had a hot body and the sex had to be good. I have never figured out why people think just because someone is hot and has a hot body that the sex has to be good. Never got that.
Sure, there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but it is a very important component and I enjoy it.
I may break it off with someone who is unwilling to try or not care to "get better"
"Bad sex" could be caused by a variety of reasons and my answer to the question may change drastically from circumstance to circumstance...so it's a difficult single question to give a yes or no answer towards.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
