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No clarification so it seems it was either defined by both/her or assumed by her part.
I'll tell you why there was no clarification. Because she had every intention of cheating. Re-read everything she has said. She even had a Freudian slip by admitting that she did this out of spite. That's why there were no specific guidelines set. If she would have set them, she would not have been able to cheat. Not that that would have probably stopped her anyway.
For most people I know, being on a break from the relationship isn't the same as a "break up" so there can be arguments over whether or not she was truly a single lady.
Exactly. Everyone doing it has their own definition and expectations of what a "break" entails. So we can all argue our definition until we turn blue - but as another user says the only definition that actually matters is the OPs and her (ex)boyfriend's. Not mine. Not Rationals. Not yours. No one elses. Just theirs.
And it is clear from the second post the OP made that fidelity was NOT an attribute she saw as being part of this "break" here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomlikeme
Clearly, this chick isn't ready if she thinks it is better to be dishonest about what happened during a "break" because she would rather not lose him than give him the choice of knowing all the facts and choosing to be with her regardless.
I agree that if she wants to hide the event for reasons of not losing him then this is a problem. I have not advocated that even once on this thread - despite some people responding to me as if I had.
IF she chooses not to tell him THEN it should be for good reasons - like her not usually discussing her sexual life with her current partners. Many people do not. If however she NORMALLY tells all - but in THIS case finds herself not doing so - THEN I think she has an issue. THEN Rationalmales idea that she is being manipulative - or even self manipulative - gains some credibility.
She should stay true to what she _normally does_ when asked about her sexual history. That is all. To do anything else I think would be wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy
Your first paragraph is exactly what most people think.
No - it is not - or at least we have no basis for saying it is. You are simply claiming the majority for your point by assumption and assertion. You can speak for yourself. You can not presume to spreak for the majority.
Anyone who says "lets take a break" and walks out without defining the terms of that break is simply a fool. Any assumption made is on your own head - and if it comes back to bite you then you have no one to blame but yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy
If it's not morally wrong, or wrong on any level, then why is she hesitating to tell him?
That is for her to tell us. Not for you to assume. Perhaps NOT telling partners about her sexual experiences is her norm. Therefore why would she / should she here either? Perhaps she is not hesitating to tell him so much as she is hestitating to NOT tell him. Only the OP can tell us - would that she return again.
My advice to her once again is simple: She should do what she _normally does_ when asked about her sexual past. Whatever that may be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy
Because she had every intention of cheating.
You have no basis or evidence for this whatsoever. You are just making things up to fit your already held prejudices on the situation. Why second guess threads around here when no one has a motivation to lie - she told us her motivations and intentions for the break. Work with them - not intentions or motivations you have simply made up to suit your self.
Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MollieSJ
OK I get it and I know that I messed up big time. He's been such a wonderful boyfriend that I don't want to lose him over something (incredibly) stupid that I did and that really meant nothing. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want us to break up!
It meant nothing to you. But I am sure it means alot to him.
At this point, it is not what you want. It is what he wants like what everybody said.
You messed it up big time.
Confess to him and use it as lesson to be learned when you start dating another guy in the future.
Not really considering her actions happened when it was on break. So if the break defined/assumed sleeping with others is acceptable which it seemed to considering she appears dismissive about him sleeping with others it's not evading responsibility as you claimed for her not to tell him or hiding/lying and such.
I agree with you that the definition of a break is relevant.
If a break to some people means that they're assumed to be free from being faithful then Ok I guess.
I think that it's pretty clear from this thread that "break from relationship = break from exclusivity (assuming they were exclusive)" is very much a minority view.
I think that it's pretty clear from this thread that "break from relationship = break from exclusivity (assuming they were exclusive)" is very much a minority view.
I do not think this thread shows any such thing. That is quite a conclusion to extrapolate from - what is it - about 10 active posters on the topic? I think you need a much larger sample set to conclude any such thing.
But even if it was a 90% majority view - anyone who does not clarify the terms of a "break" and simply assumes to know what it entails - is simply being foolish and has only themselves to blame for it coming back to bite them on the ass.
Yes that is a mature addition to the thread for sure. Well done.
So not content to make things up about the OP - you now presume to make things up about me. For your information - not that it is your business - I have not once in my life broken the fidelity of a single relationship I have been in. So lie about me all you want - you are just throwing out insult now to back up a baseless opinion on the thread.
Actually I take a very heavy handed opinion to the topic of cheating. There are few things that anger me more. Cheating on people is one thing I can not abide in any relationship.
But if a person is single then they are not cheating and hence I see nothing wrong here. If you do great - but I am not seeing any coherent explanation as to what.
No it would not because I - unlike you - would not make the egrigious error of assuming the terms of a break. If in the unlikely event me and my girlfriends ever did go on a "break" I would be very sure to clarify _exactly what that means_ in our context. I would assume nothing and I would lay out the terms - motivations - and intentions very clearly from the outset.
Anyone who does _not_ do this in my opinion has only themselves to blame for any hurt that comes from the experience.
I do the blah, blah, blah only because you are a walking contradiction. You obviously just don't get it. She didn't define any rules, because SHE had every intention of cheating on him. How do you not see this? And if you do see this, you are ok with it? When you know that's why she didn't clearly define what that break meant. That is why nothing was defined. So you blame him for honestly thinking better of her? Hmm, I see now how this should be his fault. Very sneaky. I guess he pushed her right into the one night stand twice too ha? Care to rationalize the going back for more too? I would love to hear your enlightened thinking on this.
Do you seriously believe this? SMH!! The lengths of rationale that people are willing to go. Yeah, you are right, she didn't intend to do this, even though she all but admitted it. Her intentions were not really to sleep with some random guy. Yet, she went to a bar with her friends. Got sh t faced, and they left. Meanwhile, she grabbed the first worthy one night stand to sleep with and did so twice. The first one I guess you can try to rationalize it away (although nobody with a head on their shoulders is buying that), but how about the second time. Do you think there was any intention in sleeping with the guy more than once?
I'm not doing any rationale other than there is no conclusive evidence/support for your claim. You're the one doing rationale deciding that because she did this it means that. Stating she slept with the guy out of spite is not all but admitting she took a break to sleep with others.
Her taking the opportunity out of spite doesn't necessarily mean that was her intention for the break. Likely her intention in sleeping with him was out of spite from a perceived wrong that doesn't mean her intention for the break was to sleep with others.
I'll tell you why there was no clarification. Because she had every intention of cheating. Re-read everything she has said. She even had a Freudian slip by admitting that she did this out of spite. That's why there were no specific guidelines set. If she would have set them, she would not have been able to cheat. Not that that would have probably stopped her anyway.
Again you don't know her intentions, it's not cheating as she was single at the time, and you don't know that there were no specific guidelines set.
Her taking an opportunity out of spite doesn't mean she took a break with the intention of sleeping around. The OP didn't come back to clarify if she did or didn't set guidelines so it's a toss up it seems like it was either defined or assumed on her part.
I'm not doing any rationale other than there is no conclusive evidence/support for your claim. You're the one doing rationale deciding that because she did this it means that. Stating she slept with the guy out of spite is not all but admitting she took a break to sleep with others.
Her taking the opportunity out of spite doesn't necessarily mean that was her intention for the break. Likely her intention in sleeping with him was out of spite from a perceived wrong that doesn't mean her intention for the break was to sleep with others.
Sure, and the world is still flat! This thread is getting lame. Same round and round responses. I guess in the end you either agree with her or you don't. I don't. I think that her actions are skanky and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. You can agree with me or not. The op hasn't even had much input in a while. This thread is just regurgitating the same view points over and over. You either see them or you don't.
I agree with you that the definition of a break is relevant.
If a break to some people means that they're assumed to be free from being faithful then Ok I guess.
I think that it's pretty clear from this thread that "break from relationship = break from exclusivity (assuming they were exclusive)" is very much a minority view.
It's clear that 'break from relationship = break from exclusivity' is very much a minority view in this thread whether it speaks for the general population is a toss up.
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So if the break defined/assumed sleeping with others is acceptable which it seemed to considering she appears dismissive about him sleeping with others it's not evading responsibility as you claimed for her not to tell him or hiding/lying and such.
