Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Actually, I have not specifically asked him to stay back. See what happens when something doesnt go in his way is that he makes the whole evening miserable for me. Like he would either pick up a fight over a small thing or in general sulk around. So, even when I need him, I dont ask for his help because at the end of the day, the goodness of him being home is a lot less than the resentment (for the lack of better word) he displays when he does stay home.
He always had control issues. In all honesty, when we were trying for a second baby, it was OK,. then things started going downhill. One by one. I dont want to take a life changing decision now in this year since I already have another life changing event happening soon (birth of my son coming august). I dont feel that I am up to coping with 2 major changes in one year.
So, I am going counseling to keep myself sane and focussed on the things that matter the most; my 3 girl and my yet-to be-born boy. I dont know if its the right thing to do. maybe I am just making excuses and buying time here but I dont feel the time is right for separation.
Oh, so he's passive-aggressive, is he? Sounds a lot like my ex-SO. If he wasn't happy in a situation, the whole world knew it by the puss on his face. It's manipulation all right, as is the silent treatment.
Now imagine how he's going to treat your children when they're old enough for him to manipulate. Think of what they're going to learn from him, too. My ex-SO learned it from his mother, who was the kind to snub people at weddings and not talk to them for months because of petty little crap like Facebook.
Being sweet, then punishing you with silent treatment is one manipulation tactic. He is sweet to keep you involved in the relationship, then "punishes" you emotionally when he doesn't get his way. It is why you are confused and conflicted about it all... that is the intent of what he is doing.
Anyway, your not triggering anything. It is not you. It is him.
I dont know. I honestly dont. I just feel so frustrated right now. I know I am partly to blame. I must have enabled his behaviour somehow by keeping quite so long.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
OP, this is very childish behavior. By your description through the course of this thread, it sounds like either your husband is very immature, or he was spoiled by his parents. Is this a culture where boys are raised to be little kings? That kind of cultural conditioning is almost impossible to overcome. It sounds like he feels entitled to have his way, and that he feels no obligation at all to even be polite to you.
Not really. His parents are separated (though not legally divorced). His mom raised him and from what he tells me, his dad treated his mom exactly the same way he is now treating me.
But yes, boys are kings. Even in this day and and age you see female infanticide where I come from (in rural areas).
They don't fail, big time, actually. If educated people wait until they're actually adults (late 20s or later) the divorce rate is rather low for first marriages.
what I meant to say was, even if it had been a love marriage, it could have failed because of the personality incompatibilities.
Now imagine how he's going to treat your children when they're old enough for him to manipulate.
Still want to stay with this juvenile prat?
No, i dont want to stay with him. I am just not really ready to leave right now. I do not want 2 life changing events in the same year. I dont believe I am ready for the emotional stress the divorce process would put on me and my unborn child now.
I dont know. I honestly dont. I just feel so frustrated right now. I know I am partly to blame. I must have enabled his behaviour somehow by keeping quite so long.
Not really. His parents are separated (though not legally divorced). His mom raised him and from what he tells me, his dad treated his mom exactly the same way he is now treating me.
But yes, boys are kings. Even in this day and and age you see female infanticide where I come from (in rural areas).
Aha! And there, we have it! You'd think he'd have gotten the message, since his parents are separated, that this type of behavior doesn't work in a marriage. But no. He's been programmed to think this is his right, and that it's normal. How sad.
I dont know. I honestly dont. I just feel so frustrated right now. I know I am partly to blame. I must have enabled his behaviour somehow by keeping quite so long.
Tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately, you have.
Of course he was being nice to get you pregnant again. He knew that once you were pregnant with a second child, it would be even harder for you to leave. And it worked, because you're second-guessing yourself.
Money says this guy has narcissistic traits. Everything you've said on this thread points to it. Have your baby, recover physically, and make it your New Year's Resolution to leave. That's what I would do. I've been down your road (albeit without marriage and kids), and it's only going to get worse. People like him don't change.
No, i dont want to stay with him. I am just not really ready to leave right now. I do not want 2 life changing events in the same year. I dont believe I am ready for the emotional stress the divorce process would put on me and my unborn child now.
OP, you're right to be concerned about having too much stress in your life right now. A pregnancy, giving birth, and dealing with a baby for the first year--no sleep for you, demands a lot from the body and the mental stability (the sleep deprivation from feeding and tending to a baby at night).
However, you can begin your planning. You can gradually make up your mind, gain some clarity over the situation with the support of your therapist, discuss it with your parents when you're ready to, and start making a plan. This may help you feel like you're working toward something positive, you're taking charge of your life, and you're not helpless and at the mercy of someone who doesn't care much about you. I think this, over time, will help brighten your outlook.
Aha! And there, we have it! You'd think he'd have gotten the message, since his parents are separated, that this type of behavior doesn't work in a marriage. But no. He's been programmed to think this is his right, and that it's normal. How sad.
You know Ruth, if i keep my hand on heart and speak, its going to be extremely hard for me to leave him, though, leave him I must. he has been supportive and let me tell you, thats a big thing in my community to stand up to the parents to support the wife. When his parents were insulting to me, he stood up to them and put his foot down and said 'no, you cant treat my wife that way'. Eventually he stopped talking with his parents and his only sister. He is cutting me off now by not talking. If I also leave him with kids, there is no one else in this world for him. That's why I keep thinking if its really something I did in the past that is causing all this tiff (karma stuff). I really did love this man with all my heart and soul.
We have kids. I have a set of twins in there so I know what it's like to have 2 babies at one time. I still think it's fine for a husband (and a wife) to have time with friends. My husband doesn't go out much anymore but I wouldn't have a problem if he did. He would have come home first and helped get the kids down for the night and THEN gone out, but I still think it's fine.
I hear ya. Like I mentioned, she's ok with me going out and I realize the importance of seeing our friends to blow off steam now and then. At the end of the day though (literally), I'd rather be home. We had our kids a little older though, so my perspective could be different than someone in their 20s.
As you likely figured out, we have twins too. I'd love to head out after they go down at night but by that time, I have no energy left!
Have your baby, recover physically, and make it your New Year's Resolution to leave. That's what I would do. I've been down your road (albeit without marriage and kids), and it's only going to get worse. People like him don't change.
If i am going that route, should he get a hint that I am planning on leaving him?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
