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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Not saying that AT ALL. I am asking to understand where this perspective of yours comes from. Your age and experience (or lack of it) has EVERYTHING to do with your perspective.
My 19 year marriage broke up b'c he was a selfish, uncaring, unlovable father. He'd give me attention, but not our kids. So I can't say I have this exact experience. But we did fight b'c he'd do everything for other people but nothing for his kids so I know how it feels to an extent.
I asked my man about this scenario earlier and he said he agrees with me b'c he'd never do this to me, which I already knew b'c he's a very thoughtful man. But he does a lot for others constantly and I'm very proud of him for it and tell him so. He's forever mowing people's lawns and trimming trees for them. I told him he's a for-sharing type of person, he's just so generous and kind you can't keep him to yourself--to an extent. Treating me like this man treated this poster wouldn't work for me. Although, I have to agree with another poster, it's hard to believe he'd just up and start this behavior at her 30th. There must've been signs and incidents along the way prior to show who he is.
Sorry I wasn't more specific. I didn't "hint" that I wanted a party. About 8 months prior to my birthday, I suggested we go out of the country for my 30th. We always wanted to go to Italy and he even told some people that we were going to Italy for my birthday. Then, seeing Italy wasn't going to happen, I said I'd be happy just going to Vegas or Key West. Then, we bought a house and I downgraded it further to just getting the hell out of dodge or even having a nice evening out with friends or even just by ourselves. We have a child and we had a babysitter (a family member staying with us for an extended period of time) available for free for as long as we wanted. It should've been pretty darn easy for him to plan something.... We do communicate but he hasn't communicated to me that this friend asked for his help.
What makes me more angry is about a month after my birthday, he invited these two woman out (and a few other friends) and we all went out for a night on the town. So, the friend wants a repeat of that night. I'm just wondering why he can plan two nights out with them and not one for me?
Sorry I wasn't more specific. I didn't "hint" that I wanted a party. About 8 months prior to my birthday, I suggested we go out of the country for my 30th. We always wanted to go to Italy and he even told some people that we were going to Italy for my birthday. Then, seeing Italy wasn't going to happen, I said I'd be happy just going to Vegas or Key West. Then, we bought a house and I downgraded it further to just getting the hell out of dodge or even having a nice evening out with friends or even just by ourselves. We have a child and we had a babysitter (a family member staying with us for an extended period of time) available for free for as long as we wanted. It should've been pretty darn easy for him to plan something.... We do communicate but he hasn't communicated to me that this friend asked for his help.
What makes me more angry is about a month after my birthday, he invited these two woman out (and a few other friends) and we all went out for a night on the town. So, the friend wants a repeat of that night. I'm just wondering why he can plan two nights out with them and not one for me?
Sorry peeps...I'm agreeing with sassieskier. My feelings would have been hurt too. She made it clear that she wanted to do something special on her 30th. She gave him choices that would make her happy.
Any husband worth his salt would have picked one of them and even gone an extra mile to make it special.
You did dampen it a bit when you said even just by ourselves.
So at this point, tell him how this made you feel. Otherwise it's gonna eat you alive.
He might honestly think he did what you wanted. Give him a chance to make things right.
Sorry peeps...I'm agreeing with sassieskier. My feelings would have been hurt too. She made it clear that she wanted to do something special on her 30th. She gave him choices that would make her happy.
Any husband worth his salt would have picked one of them and even gone an extra mile to make it special.
You did dampen it a bit when you said even just by ourselves.
So at this point, tell him how this made you feel. Otherwise it's gonna eat you alive.
He might honestly think he did what you wanted. Give him a chance to make things right.
I have told him that I was upset about how my birthday went down. I told him it's something I've been looking forward to for so long, to do something special on my "big" birthday (I've made my own cake for my last few birthdays and we did zilch), and he let me down. In the heat of it, I told him we'll see how he feels when he turns 30 and I throw a cake in front of him and make him make his own dinner.
I love him, but this is a sore spot with me. I'm glad some of you said hubby should've done something. A close friend of ours turned 30 recently and his wife threw a surprise party for him. I was jealous and emotional the whole ride home.
Anyway, we have a big trip planned, and even if it's months after my actual birthday, I'll give him a chance to redeem himself.
Totally agree with everyone who pointed out that hinting is not an effective means of communication.
The husband bought her the gift she wanted because she specifically picked it out. She should have specifically picked out a place/guests and maybe that would have happened,too.
I think the number and length of time she gave hint should be sufficiant for the man to get a clue that she want something a little special for a landmark special occasion.
Its really not special if one has to specifically take care of every detail of their special (30th) birthday. I think more than anything being made to feel special by someone going the extra mile to show you they care and that you are special to them is the whole point. If an SO loves you and pays any attention they should be able to pick up on that many "hints". Being male is not excuse.
Men absolutely hate to be forced or manipulated into anything. They want to be the hero.
You may have made a big deal out of your birthday and not appreciated the fact that in his mind he bought you a house, so he fought back by making it lousy. Is this right? Absolute NO, but that is the way they are. If you push too hard, they push back.
His helping with someone elses birthday may be his way of letting you know he is not going to be manipulated by you. On the other hand, he may be cheating on you or thinking of cheating on you with this other woman who is planning the party.
You need to find out and see if your relationship is going in the direction that will make you happy in the future.
There are a lot of men in this world that try to control their wives by making them feel insecure and unwanted. Woman want attention and if we don't get it, it destroys your self esteem and gives them power over you. Don't let this happen, because you will leave him and if you feel that way, it will not be good for your future.
I had my 30th birthday recently and my husband didn't do anything for it. For months leading up to it, I had been telling him that I want to do something special, since I only turn 30 once. We moved away from our family and friends a few years ago and every birthday since has just been the two of us and I miss the big fuss. I gave him hints, like asking our friends to meet us for dinner, or a quick trip somewhere, a night out on the town, something more than what he has done for me on my birthday. (FTR, I have done things for him for his birthday and he hasn't had his 30th yet.)
So my birthday came, we had cake at home and he gave me a gift (that I had picked out and saved a photo on the computer and he went and bought it that day). And that was it. Once the candles were blown out, it was over.
Now, I just found out that a friend of his (a woman that I've met once before) wants him to help her plan a 30th birthday party for a friend of theirs (another woman I met once before) in our city. He said he'd definitely help and be glad to.
I don't get it. He can plan a party for her but can't do anything for me? How am I supposed to suppress my anger when I'm invited to this party, knowing that my husband did this for someone else and not for me?
There is more happiness in giving than there is in nagg...receiving.
When there was our special anniversary day I left flowers on the table with a gift and a card. When the SO woke up she didn't even notice. She then showered and whatever a woman does in the morning. Later that afternoon she saw the things on the table. She asked if they were there all along. I said, "Yes."
Apparently she felt bad cause she didn't get me anything so she ran to SEARS and bought me a $50.00 gift card. Then gave it to me that evening.
Yeah. Lotsa thought into that gift.
I would say just let it go.
I would say, "I'm going out tonight. It's my birthday ya know. You coming?"
I had my 30th birthday recently and my husband didn't do anything for it. For months leading up to it, I had been telling him that I want to do something special, since I only turn 30 once. We moved away from our family and friends a few years ago and every birthday since has just been the two of us and I miss the big fuss. I gave him hints, like asking our friends to meet us for dinner, or a quick trip somewhere, a night out on the town, something more than what he has done for me on my birthday. (FTR, I have done things for him for his birthday and he hasn't had his 30th yet.)
So my birthday came, we had cake at home and he gave me a gift (that I had picked out and saved a photo on the computer and he went and bought it that day). And that was it. Once the candles were blown out, it was over.
Now, I just found out that a friend of his (a woman that I've met once before) wants him to help her plan a 30th birthday party for a friend of theirs (another woman I met once before) in our city. He said he'd definitely help and be glad to.
I don't get it. He can plan a party for her but can't do anything for me? How am I supposed to suppress my anger when I'm invited to this party, knowing that my husband did this for someone else and not for me?
You have every right to be hurt and mad. I am like you where I love birthdays, feel you should make a big deal out of it and they are important and yes, 30 is a big milestone birthday! He should have done something really special for you.
My b/f is the same way, he could care less about birthdays and when it comes to mine, it's not a lot different. he does the obligatory gift and asks me what I want to do but doesn't go out of his way to make it special but this Feb, I'm turning 40 and I do expect a big deal to be made. Luckily, I have two great kids (former marriage) and they love birthdays to and always make mine special.
As for your hubby that would royally peeve me to no end to know that he's helping some woman plan her 30th birthday (or whoever) but the point being YOU are the wife, and YOU deserved to have a happy day and all part of being a spouse or SO is even if it's not a big deal to you, you make the sacrifice, put on a happy face and pull it together for your spouse.
I'm sorry you had a so-so bday but you need to tell your hubby how you feel, you need to mention this other woman and how it hurts your feelings and makes you mad that he made a poor attempt at making a day special for you but is all over the same thing with her.
He needs to know and you need to get it off your chest. Now go get him tiger!
I am looking at it from a different angle. I find it strange that the husband was asked to help plan another woman's birthday party. It's strange because party-planning isn't really a typical "guy thing", especially when it comes to planning girl's parties. Of course, I don't know the exact circumstances and the nature of this "help". I mean, maybe he was asked to help get a large reservation at a really tough-to-get-into club or restaurant because he's friends with the manager -- in which case, it's totally innocent. But something like that aside, sifting through invitation designs, creating balloon and flower arrangements and coordinating chairs with tablecloths isn't really something most men I know (actually any men I know) would be into. And so if I needed help planning a party for a girlfriend, I can't imagine why I would ask a guy to do that, unless I had another agenda. I don't know if it's just one-sided flirtation or a full-blown affair, but it sounds like an excuse for the two of them to meet and carry on communication in plain sight.
Yes, I find it very strange too. My husband has done party-planning for years, so if he was asked, that would be understandable, but I'm confused why would a female friend ask for the help to plan the party, what type of help?... I don't want to speculate that there is something going on, but sounds a little fishy to me...
On another note, 30 is a big deal, there is no need for hints, it would be very nice if her husband put some thought into planning something special for the OP.
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