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Sorry I wasn't more specific. I didn't "hint" that I wanted a party. About 8 months prior to my birthday, I suggested we go out of the country for my 30th. We always wanted to go to Italy and he even told some people that we were going to Italy for my birthday. Then, seeing Italy wasn't going to happen, I said I'd be happy just going to Vegas or Key West. Then, we bought a house and I downgraded it further to just getting the hell out of dodge or even having a nice evening out with friends or even just by ourselves. We have a child and we had a babysitter (a family member staying with us for an extended period of time) available for free for as long as we wanted. It should've been pretty darn easy for him to plan something.... We do communicate but he hasn't communicated to me that this friend asked for his help.
What makes me more angry is about a month after my birthday, he invited these two woman out (and a few other friends) and we all went out for a night on the town. So, the friend wants a repeat of that night. I'm just wondering why he can plan two nights out with them and not one for me?
Oh, sorry, now I know more details...
You know why??? Because how easy is this to take the closest person to you for granted. How easy it is to fall into a line of thinking that you are his wife, he already has you and has no need to impress you but when it comes to other people, other women specifically, he still wants to look good in their eyes.
It's the closest people that we need to treat with most care and attention.
I, like most men, can be a little clueless at times when it comes to figuring out the female of our species. Having said that, i dont think you would have to beat me upside the head with a 2x4 for me to realize that my SO's 30th birthday is something special. At any other time of the year I see no problem with him helping a female friend plan a party. But right after barely doing anything for his own wifes 30th birthday???? Sheesh! If he does this he is either completely clueless or is one of the most insensitive men I have ever read about!
He's getting a bit of 'ego and feeling needed out of this' and looking like a nice guy to others. I am related to one of these. Does a lot for others but pretty much says screw it when it comes to his own family
.
I agree. My brother is the exact same way. This is a very good point.
Look, it's not like this guy went and volunteered to help this woman. She _asked_ him to help do a nice thing for a mutual friend.
He took no initiative in this, and so it should not be compared to his not taking initiative for his wife's birthday. Either way, he required prompting and prodding.
Now, the fact that she had told her husband she was hoping for some fuss over her 30th birthday is different. But...do we know if she asked him to make the fuss? Or if she is the kind who does all the party planning and he thought she'd plan the fuss?
I dunno...this guy sounds like a bit of an insensitive dolt either way.
I went through something similar to this when I turned 30. It seemed our close circle of friends all had a huge bash when they hit the big 30, but when it came my turn, we met for supper and what was supposed to be a big night on the town, they all got sick from supper and went home.
I blame the choice of restaurant, spicy Mexican food! LOL
But seriously, what I learned was that after your 21st b-day, people pretty much in my experience don't celebrate them much these days. My husband went though a year where he didn't get me a birthday card and that following Xmas, nada thing.
So, I decided to chat with him and tell him that these things were important to me. He said, "but we don't have any money, and anything I'd want to get you we can't afford."
Valid point, but I wanted him to know that it wasn't the size or the amount of a gift, just the mention of "hey I remembered" was all I really needed. After that he at least gets me a card, even if we're pitch stone poor.
You have to establish your expectations and communicate it. That's where I was falling short. I let myself become quite disappointed when he would have a blast at a friend's party that he helped set up, but my birthday was less exciting than a creepy clown act.
I lead by example and always made sure to make his birthday's very unique, thoughtful, and memorable. He just needed that nudge and that expectation laid out for him.
The worst he can do is say, "I can't meet your expectations", then you compromise. There's no harm in being honest here, he may not realize why your birthday's are still special to you, when maybe they are not a big deal to him?
As far as this party he's helping to plan, you can chose not to attend.
If you wanted to go out of the country, why didn't you? Maybe
birthdays don't mean to him what they mean to you.
Either that, or your husbands passive aggressive , if thats the case,
he'll continue to do things he knows will hurt you, because for
whatever reason hes not verbalizing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sassieskier
Sorry I wasn't more specific. I didn't "hint" that I wanted a party. About 8 months prior to my birthday, I suggested we go out of the country for my 30th. We always wanted to go to Italy and he even told some people that we were going to Italy for my birthday. Then, seeing Italy wasn't going to happen, I said I'd be happy just going to Vegas or Key West. Then, we bought a house and I downgraded it further to just getting the hell out of dodge or even having a nice evening out with friends or even just by ourselves. We have a child and we had a babysitter (a family member staying with us for an extended period of time) available for free for as long as we wanted. It should've been pretty darn easy for him to plan something.... We do communicate but he hasn't communicated to me that this friend asked for his help.
What makes me more angry is about a month after my birthday, he invited these two woman out (and a few other friends) and we all went out for a night on the town. So, the friend wants a repeat of that night. I'm just wondering why he can plan two nights out with them and not one for me?
I have told him that I was upset about how my birthday went down. I told him it's something I've been looking forward to for so long, to do something special on my "big" birthday (I've made my own cake for my last few birthdays and we did zilch), and he let me down. In the heat of it, I told him we'll see how he feels when he turns 30 and I throw a cake in front of him and make him make his own dinner.
I love him, but this is a sore spot with me. I'm glad some of you said hubby should've done something. A close friend of ours turned 30 recently and his wife threw a surprise party for him. I was jealous and emotional the whole ride home.
Anyway, we have a big trip planned, and even if it's months after my actual birthday, I'll give him a chance to redeem himself.
In spite of several people here thinking you weren't clear, you were. Nothing happened. But he's spending "fun nights" with the friends. I'd be angry, so I'd tell him so.
All of us are humans and we make mistakes, so as you said "let him redeem". Good luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
Many guys do have the ability to read minds before being married for a while. Then they mysteriously lose their psychic gift.
Here's a thought. Why don't you just ASK him about it? It's likely he doesn't even see the connection, or even realize what you were trying to tell him.
It would be nice if all men were so thoughtful as to plan a nice getaway or party for the woman they love, but from what I have seen and experienced, they are few and far between.
Just a few things here. Just why is 30 a special birthday??? Why not 36? Why not 27? As I see it, 21 is special because you can drink, gamble etc etc. but you don't get anything special on any other one except at 62 when you can get social security. Every birthday should be the same, not just because it ends in a zero. That said...if you just bought a house I'm guessing money is a little tight. Maybe he was being fiscally prudent. Although It's quite possible if you ask him why he didn't throw a party on your birthday he'll say he didn't know you wanted one.
Venting here on the boards is fine, although I doubt you got as positive a response as you'd have liked. The bottom line is you need to communicate to him that you wanted a party and he let you down. That's the crux of the problem, we can't help you with that. Then let it go.
One side comment. You made the statement that you are going to give him a chance to make it up to you. I speak from experience when I say: Don't keep a scorecard in your marriage. You'll only end up rehashing things until you break up.
Just a few things here. Just why is 30 a special birthday??? Why not 36? Why not 27? As I see it, 21 is special because you can drink, gamble etc etc. but you don't get anything special on any other one except at 62 when you can get social security. Every birthday should be the same, not just because it ends in a zero. That said...if you just bought a house I'm guessing money is a little tight. Maybe he was being fiscally prudent. Although It's quite possible if you ask him why he didn't throw a party on your birthday he'll say he didn't know you wanted one.
Venting here on the boards is fine, although I doubt you got as positive a response as you'd have liked. The bottom line is you need to communicate to him that you wanted a party and he let you down. That's the crux of the problem, we can't help you with that. Then let it go.
One side comment. You made the statement that you are going to give him a chance to make it up to you. I speak from experience when I say: Don't keep a scorecard in your marriage. You'll only end up rehashing things until you break up.
Agreed - game playing and score keeping have NO place in a marriage.
If I were you I would be equally upset. Any and all birthdays are important, and if 30 is important to you and you vocalized wanting to do something special, it was his responsibility to arrange that for you. In fact, even if you did not vocalize it, it would still be his responsibility. HELLO! Its not like we typically arrange our own parties, that is what family, and if you are married, spouses are for. Every bday around here is treated HUGE! I am actually starting the process of a surprise trip to Greece w/family and friends for hubbys next bday which is 40.
Is he typically unthoughtful and inconsiderate like this? Is this new behavior from him in your relationship or has he always been this way? I would look into it deeper personally.
And for the people discounting your feelings and discounting your birthday, whatever, if it is important to you that is all that matters. Different people have different traditions and cultures and it is absolutely small minded to discount others who think differently than you.
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Why don't you just ASK him about it? It's likely he doesn't even see the connection, or even realize what you were trying to tell him.
